Every Season - Nicole Nordeman

This is a great song. One that I have loved from the first moment I heard it several years ago.
Enjoy!

every evening sky, an invitation to trace the pattern stars
and early in july, celebration for freedom that is ours
and i notice You in childrens games
in those who watch them from the shade
every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
You are summer

and even when the trees have just surendered to the harvest time
forfeiting their leaves in late september and sending us inside
still i notice You when change begins
and i am braced for colder winds
i will offer thanks for what has been and whats to come
You are autumn

and everything in time and under heaven finally falls asleep
wrapped in blankets white, all creation shivers underneath
and still i notice You when branches crack and in my breath on frosted glass
even now in death, You open doors for life to enter
You are winter

and everything thats new has bravely surfaced
teaching us to breathe
what was frozen through is newly purposed
turning all things green
so it is with You and how you make me new, with every seasons change
and so it will be, as You are recreating me
Summer, Autumn, Winter, Spring

Whoever Said

love doesn't hurt...

LIED.

It does. And maybe that isn't a bad thing.

Hear me out on this one.

Love is an exquisite thing. It is the greatest experience there is. But it is not perfect and does not come without it's own set of challenges.

And that is because you are talking about a relationship between two completely separate people.

Then to make matters worse, you start trynna become one and you have a never-ending process where there are bound to be some growing pains.

Don't misunderstand me. I am not cynical about love. I just think we ought to teach this thing the right way.

If love were easy or did not involve some level of pain, then 1 Corinthians 13 would not be a necessary part of Scripture.

I think I'm going to go thru that passage of scripture here until we've covered them all.

I think we'll start this week.

Ro

KESHA!!!!!

THANK YOU for being my person.

I love you and I'm really grateful God gave you to me at this point in my life. You're a wondeful gift, precious friend of mine. =)

Isaiah 43:1-21

NIV

1 But now, this is what the LORD says—

he who created you, O Jacob,

he who formed you, O Israel:

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

2 When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers,

they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire,

you will not be burned;

the flames will not set you ablaze.

3 For I am the LORD, your God,

the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

I give Egypt for your ransom,

Cush [a] and Seba in your stead.

4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight,

and because I love you,

I will give men in exchange for you,

and people in exchange for your life.

5 Do not be afraid, for I am with you;

I will bring your children from the east

and gather you from the west.

6 I will say to the north, 'Give them up!'

and to the south, 'Do not hold them back.'

Bring my sons from afar

and my daughters from the ends of the earth-

7 everyone who is called by my name,

whom I created for my glory,

whom I formed and made."

8 Lead out those who have eyes but are blind,

who have ears but are deaf.

9 All the nations gather together

and the peoples assemble.

Which of them foretold this

and proclaimed to us the former things?

Let them bring in their witnesses to prove they were right,

so that others may hear and say, "It is true."

10 "You are my witnesses," declares the LORD,

"and my servant whom I have chosen,

so that you may know and believe me

and understand that I am he.

Before me no god was formed,

nor will there be one after me.

11 I, even I, am the LORD,

and apart from me there is no savior.

12 I have revealed and saved and proclaimed—

I, and not some foreign god among you.

You are my witnesses," declares the LORD, "that I am God.

13 Yes, and from ancient days I am he.

No one can deliver out of my hand.

When I act, who can reverse it?"

14 This is what the LORD says—

your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel:

"For your sake I will send to Babylon

and bring down as fugitives all the Babylonians, [b]

in the ships in which they took pride.

15 I am the LORD, your Holy One,

Israel's Creator, your King."

16 This is what the LORD says—

he who made a way through the sea,

a path through the mighty waters,

17 who drew out the chariots and horses,

the army and reinforcements together,

and they lay there, never to rise again,

extinguished, snuffed out like a wick:

18 "Forget the former things;

do not dwell on the past.

19 See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the desert

and streams in the wasteland.

20 The wild animals honor me,

the jackals and the owls,

because I provide water in the desert

and streams in the wasteland,

to give drink to my people, my chosen,

21 the people I formed for myself

that they may proclaim my praise.

Daring to Love

My man is just amazing.

I've watched him over the last 18 months grow in ways that I so wanted but didn't expect.

Then it felt like we took two giant steps backwards at the first of the year. And I was at my breaking point. Not speaking. Not respecting. Not cherishing. Not gracious. Not forgiving. Not much of anything God called me to be.

Just mean and mad.

And then God challenged me to learn to love His way.

I was NOT a happy camper. Not even a little bit. Because our problems? They were not due to my bad attitude. Not at all. They were due to HIS bad decisions. My attitude didn't help, but it surely didn't start it and I really felt like I had every reason to be HOT and to show it for once in our lives.

God said otherwise. He was gentle, but firm in His requirements. Absolutely unwavering. Everyting I watched was love - loving even when you are the one being hurt. Loving simnply because He says so.

Then I watched Fireproof, finally. And was ready to just gag.

And then the Lord says, do the Love Dare.

I was not thrilled, but I was willing to obey because we were falling apart and I needed a way to regain my footing. I needed to see God do somethin' in us - in me.

Day 1. Not bad. Day 2. ok. Day 3. NOT EVEN.

I was unhappy. Seriously unhappy. And the emotional dam I seem to always have went ahead and broke. And then I broke.

Day 4. ok. Day 5. Then it got tough. But this time instead of getting mad, I got to the business of praying and being obedient. And listening.

And then it dawned on me. I was not the only one hurting. Maybe the hurt he was feeling had been tied to circumstances of his own making, but the fact is that whether or not he EARNED his hurt feelings because of his behavior, my responsiblity to love him did not change.

Doesn't matter that I was good and tired. Doesn't matter that the things that he felt were negatives on my part were, in large part, a result of some things that seriously needed attention on his part.

None of that mattered.

Because love always endures. Always hopes. Never fails.

Love is not a option or a feeling I was given. It is an instruction we are ALL given. And even beyond an instruction, it is a gift. One we receive when we accept Christ - and as such, one we are called to give to eachother because He gave it to us.

How absolutely humbling.

And as I looked into my king's face that day - day 5 of the Love Dare - it was so absolutely painful to me that I had failed to give him what has been so freely given to me...

But from that day, things started to change. The Love Dare was no longer just because God said I had to; it became a willing endeavor, because I never want to be the cause of his pain in that way again. I never want him to not feel like his heart is safe with me.

I have been amazed. That small concession to actively engage has reaped gigantic rewards. Trust is real between us. Real trust. Not just trusting him to be faithful or trusting him to tell me the truth, but trusting eachother with the hard stuff. The stuff that's deep down inside that you just don't think u really want to share. But somehow you figure out you do. And we've finally gotten here.

Really beautiful.

We really have come a long way from Day 1 - he and I both. Tolday is Day 37 and I wouldn't have traded these last few weeks for anything.

The Love Dare is a good thing.

A good thing indeed.

Look at God

You know what? I haven't done a thankful post in a long time. But today, I feel a bit compelled to join in.

Last year was rough. And I really do mean ROUGH. This year is starting out significantly better. Which is my first thankful.

God has been showing me some things since the first of the year that just blow me away. Something I've been praying for for seven years is starting to materialize. I realized that the first part - which is a miracle in itself - has happened. Everything else will flow in due time. I'm thankful. You just have no idea.

My word for the year is 'release'. In my work life, that process is well underway. God is opening a new door, but working it out so that my loyalty cannot be dismissed. He is showing me that He does all things well and that He is indeed a promise-keeper. I'm beyond thankful on this one.

Preparation. So much has gone in and so much has been endured. And God has been good to give me a heads-up for a lot of it. He's doing that again; giving me word NOW for what's to come, so that it can be hidden in my heart and drawn on at the appointed time. My God is so beautiful. And I'm thankful

This list could go on and on and on, but I'll stop here. I've missed ya'll! I'll do this more often!

head to Lynn's blog to join in.

Love you.
ro

Shame & All That

I was talking to my person yesterday and I mentioned the shame part of this thing and she said something so very insightful... Outside your family and your closest people, who really has to know? People know so little about the two of you in general that most people will never know the reality of this unless you tell them. And even with your family, how much do you really have to share. All they will know is that it's there. They wont know when you found out how you found out or any of that, unless you tell them.

She made a great point. And it stayed with me all evening and night and on into this morning.

Add to that the fact that I have a circle of women that God gave me pretty shortly after I started this blog as friends and a support system. As a matter of fact, I met one of my best friends through this group.

(See a set-up comin in this? Yeah. I didnt either at first... )

I was brave enough to ask them to pray in general yesterday. But I wasn't brave enough to share the whole story.

Even as I typed, I heard the Father say 'I have given them to you for support. Allow them to support you.' And like the wonderful women they are, they rose up with wisdom and encouragement that just blessed my soul.

This morning I heard again 'let them support you.' So. I took the risk. I shared all of it. Gave them details and specifics. These women, i know they are prayer warriors. I know they seek God. I know that they know God in the unorthodoxy of life. And God said let them in. So I did...

As I was typing, putting it all out there for everybody to know, God showed me something... The only way this will be a shame that we have to bear is if we treat it as such. Is this situation a result of sin? Yes. But is the end result truly something of which to be ashamed? Not at all.

It dawned on me as I was typing and feeling fear and uncertainty and all those things about sharing such an intimate personal part of my heart, that the only power this situation will carry is that that is ascribed to it by me.

Shame is only as powerful as you allow it to be.

This situation is no different than anyother one we've faced. Not really. I've taken the same position in this relationship all along: you dont have to like it. You dont have to agree. You dont even have to understand. But at the end of the day, you need to accept it and respect it. Cuz if I can get over it, and I'm the one in it and ultimately paying whatever cost for it, then surely you can.

This is the same. People make mistakes. Bad choices. There are countless personal indiscretions all across the board in all our lives and none is any worse or any better in God's sight. And they all cost somebody something somewhere. But that doesnt take away from the fact that we are each worthy of love and of experiencing God's absolute best for our lives.

I'm no better than H. Who, exactly, am I that should think myself to good to work this out? Who, exactly, am I that I should believe I have a right to be too tired, too done, too... whatever... to extend the same grace and offer the same love and take the same joy in healing that has been extended, offered, and taken in me?

I'm outta line. This is not a shame. But my attitude. My conduct. If it doesn't line up, it most definitely will be.

What satan means for evil God means for good.

No weapon formed against us shall prosper.

Love never fails.

This battle is not against flesh and blood. And as much as I have resented H seeing me as the enemy, I need to stop seeing his people that way. They are not the enemy. The spirits at work in & through them, THEY are the enemies. And they won't be defeated by my own pride, hurt, and bad attitude. The greatest weapon we have is Love. It's in Ecclesiastes somewhere.

Satan knows me. He knows my arrogance. He knows my history. He knows my fear of rejection. He knows my pride. He isn't playing for just one life. He wants the whole shebang.

Romans 5:19-21 'For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so alas through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous. The law was added so that the trespass might increase. But where sin increased, GRACE INCREASED ALL THE MORE, so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign THROUGH righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

The direction to me is nothing complicated: Know who You are. Stay firm. Be righteous. Love your husband.

I have asked God to credit my faith as righteousness. Obedience is a by-product of that.... and based on this passage obedience leads to righteousness, which allows grace to increase and to reign so that God's eternal work can be made manifest.

God is doing an eternal work. Of all the players here, the most important choice any one of us can make is righteousness. So... in as much as I can choose. In as much as my choice matters, I choose righteousness. And I pray that through that choice on my part, the many would be made righteous in this and that eternal life would come to them that have yet to recieve the gift of God's love.

I am no better than my husband. God's grace was enough for me and it's foolish of me to not believe that it's enough for H.

Yeah. I'm getting over myself.

When The Rubber Meets The Road... You'll Know You're Ready

"She needs to be loved beyond her failure, by someone who understands how profoundly changed they are because God loved them that same way."

This is real life.Where rubber meets the road.

God has also said to me repeatedly, and at varios times 'let your light so shine before men...'

Didn't really get it. But now maybe it's becoming clear.

I need to live what I've learned, live who I've become. And I need to do it out loud and in color.

It's no good to learn God's truth - to have a personal revelatory and experiential understanding of Truth - and then to hide it under a bushel until it's 'safe' to put it on display.

The time when truth most matters is when it's pitch black around you. That's when it's most clearly evidenced. That's when you know how bright and strong and real it really is. Not in the light when all  u gotta do is breathe and everything seems all sunshine-y and beautiful.

There's something about darkness that forces you to search for that switch. Frantically. Unrelentingly. Until you find it. Because if you dont find it, it'll take you FOREVER to find your way outta that room!

Simple enough, right?

Except that this light is internal and in order for it to shine,  you have to choose to let that switch (that is faith) come on and take center stage.

The more you use it, the brighter it gets. Just like a muscle. When u exercise it, it gets stronger and stronger.

"Rosheeda, let your light so shine..."

Don't talk about it, be about it. Anybody can talk a good game. But real faith puts the rubber to the road.

It allows itself to mature and to breathe the breath that gives it fresh life and deep roots.

This is character-strengthening and heart-tranforming. This whole process. That's what it's been about.This whole journey. All this work and all this pain.

I'm watching it collide in this space in time. God told me it would be this way, that in one colossal set of events I'd know I was ready for what He's asking. I see it now. I see it in the last few days of hashing all this out and just letting Him speak to my heart. That post last night. I'm realizing the truth of what He's done - what He's doing. The privilege that He's giving me by allowing me to play such an intimate intricate role in someone else realizing God's love for them and His desire to give them abundance.

I get it. 

I'm ready. 

I'm not thrilled about how it's gone down or how it's come to light, but really. As much as this kinda responsibility has always unsettled me, I know now that God made me for this. He knew what He wanted of me and for me before the foundations of time. He knew how i'd feel and what it'd take. He knew the stress it would bring and the war it would raise inside me. And He knew that at the end of the day, I'd do it because He asked. He knew I'd do it with my all and in spite of my fears and doubts. He knew how it would look and how it would end. He knows. 

If I or we weren't ready for all of this, He wouldn't have appointed it to come pass at this time in my life or H's. This is not about him or me. It's about what God wants to do and the part He's asking me to play.  

I am ready. H is ready. That we are making our way thru this road of MUD and still somehow holding tight to eachother and pushing for dear life to see this thru, it proves that.

He's called us for such a time as this.  He's called ME for such a time as this.

God ordained this season in my life and our relationship and He is not clueless. He's in control. Was at the start and is at this very moment.

He knew. He knows.

It's really time for me to believe Him and let my faith live so that we can make our way outta this darkness and into the light of a beautiful brand new day and way of life.

I dunno who, but I'm sure that there's at least one other someone on the face of the earth who has followed God this way and paid a high price up-front but the end result was beyond their wildest dreams. They didn't get there by bemoaning the sacrifice. They got there by accepting it and believing God enough to obey, trusting Him enough to press into Him, and knowing Him well enough to know when to rely solely on His voice and nothing/noone else's.

They let everything they had learned in the shelter of His wings surface when it was time to let the rubber meet the road.

They were willing to be a beacon of light even though the may or may not have felt 'ready' to walk in the call to shine.

So then. I guess it's time that I act like I know who God is. Little by little... Maybe I'm finally making some headway in all this....

Lord Prepare Me

There is so much stuff tumbling around in my heart right now. The Lord is taking me through a season of preparation. I've got one last fear to face - the biggest of all, by far. But it's ok.

And that's why I'm thankful. Because it really is ok. There truly is peace and there is the knowledge that I can do this. He's brought me through so much that I never thought I would be able to endure. He's loved me so hard and so strong and so long... He's moved in me and through me in ways I could never have imagined. And this trial will be no different. He's got this. He loves me and He's bigger than this.

And that fact alone really does make it all ok.

And just for fun, let's do a list:

• Clay
• Jennifer
• Chrystlyn
• Ranya
• Milicent
• My Church People
• 1P3

All these people are my people. They are the ones who have my back and who support me no matter what is the madness arond me. I love them and they love me and it is a blessing for us all that we have eachother.

I'm thankful for all that.

Go see Iris. There's more of this stuff over there.

Growth & Progress

Just Be.

That seems so easy, but it so isn't. Not for me.

I've never learned how to do that. But now, through this circumstance, it seems God is about to teach me.

Last week was something to be reckoned with. This week has been significantly better between us.

God's shown me some things about me that need to adjust. He's revealed some things in me that I thought weren't an issue or that I didn't see, in relationship to our relationship.

Appreciation. I gotta do a much better job of that. Verbal and otherwise. I'm not good at it. And in part it's because I think that the things I see changing are things that shoulda already been his reality to start. (Yeah I know I'm wrong. I just said i gotta get better at this part. *smiles*) But the fact is, the changes are God answering my prayers and I need to be grateful, instead of acting like I'm entitled.

And lemme give credit where it's due. He's said this to me before. Just not in a way that made me willing to give it. It came across in a way that rubbed me wrong; and I responded in like fashion. Not good.

But now that I know, I'mma do my best to walk in gratefulness to God and appreciation for H.

And the other thing: let him in. Just BE. It's not always work. It's not always the next task or assignment or battle. Sometimes it just IS and you can just BE. He wants so much to know me beyond my wall. And as long as we've been together, he's never gotten beyond that wall. Not because he hasn't tried, but because I haven't offered to let him. Gotta give the man credit. He knows what battles are pointless. And that woulda been one of 'em.

Yeah. God told me lots of things about this particular battle in my own heart. And it really has little to do with H and more to do with my own make-up. But now it's time to get over that and open up. Really open up and let him see me. All of me. All of the messiness that makes me special and unique. He can handle it. I'M the one who freaks out about those sorts of things. But, he's a tough cookie. He can deal w/my 'me-ness'.

God said at the start of this particular road that it was a blessing in disguise. And it has been. We're emerging from the battleground and it's changed us somehow. Down deep. There is a new awareness of what matters - of what's worth working for.

Yay for growth and change. Thank God that the way we began this battle is not the way we're ending it.

Grace upon grace upon grace.

gotta love that...

ro

Maybe...

... you should just fall. And trust God to catch you.

A friend told me this a few days ago and I havent been able to shake it. I know it was God speaking thru her. Because really. Only He would send such a message. For real. Cuz noone in my real life who knows me would ever suggest such a thing on their own. Because in truth, we all know better than that. Ain't nobody trynna fall, so ain't no need to be caught.

I'm just sayin...

But then God decides to talk to me in my sleep last night... and my dreams... well.. they all point to the fact that I need to fall and trust Him to catch me.

So. I guess i'll get to work on that.

Might even make a go of it this weekend.

ah well...

be back later....

Thank You Ladies

Good morning Ladies!

I need to tell you thank you. All of you that are praying with me and for us, thank you. I appreciate your heart for a stranger and I appreciate your desire to see God reign in my life. You guys have shown me real community in this and it means more than you know.

More than you can know, I appreciate you. Know that I'm also praying for you.

ro

Thank you Lord for who You are.

God, I come before You first asking forgiveness for anything that I have done that has not been pleasing or acceptable in Your sight. I ask that You would forgive me and that You would show me how to do what is pleasing and honorable in Your sight.

I love you Lord. Thank You for Your peace in all this. Thank You for clarity and for the heart to accept wisdom, even as it humbles me to walk in obedience.I appreciate You Father. I appreciate the love You've put on display for me and toward me.

I come this morning God asking that every woman who had come before You on our behalf would be given a special blessing. God I ask special favor, special grace, special annointing in their own marriages, relationships, homes, families, & lives. Lord please pour out Your power upon them and Your annointing. Give them abundant life.

Thank You Lord for sisters in You who are willing to stand with a woman they may or may not know and who are willing to come before You on our behalf,seeking Your best in our life when their time could be spent doing other things.

I dont have much that I can give, but I can give thanks and I can pray a blessing on their lives. So Lord, I pray a blessing on their lives.

In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Thankful Thursday - God & Stuff

So.Today I'm thankful. Just because God is who He says He is.

Ro

I Want Us To Be The Two Who Make It

Bible Study.

One In A Million.

Out of two million Israelites that were freed from Egypt, only 2 made it to the promised land. One in a million.

I want to be one of the two. And no matter how badly it hurts, I want H to be the other one.

Promised Land living. Abundant life. That's God's promise and I want it more than I want to not ache inside. I want it for H more than I want to be done w/all this.

Week 5 was all about breaking barriers. Movin beyond the place where you get stuck. Kadesh Barnea being a place of wandering because the people got complacent and the promised land started not to look worth it to them. Cost too much. Too much work. Hurt too bad. Whatever the reason, they found themselves stuck. Not sure about moving on and really not positive that following God that far was a great idea.

Day 5 of week 5. We talk about grieving. How it's ok to mourn the loss. That grief is a part of any loss. How sacrificing bring about grief because well... it hurts. And the point ws made that we have to choose to put grief aside and move forward. To linger in a place where you keep indulging pain is to find yourself sabotaging your own ability to move forward and enjoy Canaan.

One thing I underlined from the week is this: God's gifts require lifestyle modifications to handle,enjoy, and fully appreciate them.

That statement brought two things to mind: (1) This is a gift. No matter how painful it is in the moment. There is definitely goodness underneath the trash choices that we face. (2) My attitude needs to adjust in order to take the right view of things.

God doesn't make mistakes. He doesn't fail. What He does is never wrong and what He allows is never to destroy us.

It is not God who is wrong in this. It is me.

And before I can see with God's eyes, I need to allow myself to take stock of things with a heart that accepts that even in the most painful set of circumstances I can personally recall to date, God loves me and is working for my good - for our good.

It is not God who doesn't understand this thing. It's me. And I'll never understand if I don't let myself trust my God.

One thing I have known is that God is sovereign. Totally in control. My question has never been 'if'. It's been 'how long'. I am not prepared to say that I'm willing to do this thing indefinitely. But I AM willing to believe God that this will not end in destruction for me on any level.

I've spent the last few months camped out at the Mountain of God. He has moved me finally to Kadesh Barnea. The edge of Canaan. The very brink of the Promised Land. And the struggle is that I can clearly count the cost....

The instruction a few years ago to go back to our relationship, understanding that I was making a commitment to God to honor us no matter what came, that was easier to make. I mean I knew there was mess. But I also didn't know enough to REALLY know what that kinda commitment meant.  But now. I know full well that walking into Canaan w/him comes at a price. A big one. A painful one. And one that has some tremendous fall-out....

So... I'm counting the cost. And I've learned a few things here. (1) I'm strong enough to face whatever comes. God has trained me for this. He has prepared me to stand up and take my life and walk in the fullness of the deep work He's done in me. I can give myself a break. I haven't done this perfectly but I've done it. I'm doing it. No matter what. I'm doing it. (2) My feelings matter. It's ok to feel. It's ok to let my emotions surface. And facing them will not kill me, nor will it keep me from doing what's right - not unless I CHOOSE to allow it to do that. Feelings have their place and they need to be handled like the tool for growth that they are meant to be. (3) There may be some humiliation in following God. There may be some persecution and some crucifixion. But there is no shame. There is no reason to feel the feelings that come with having made a bad choice that you know will end up in calamity or end up proving something negative to be true about who you really are. I have followed God. And there is persecution to come. Crucifixion. My family is gonna be RIDICULOUS. And his will be as obnoxious as always. But there is absolutely no shame that I need to feel because I choose to honor God and love H.

And probably the most valuable thing I've learned is this: Love is never a wrong choice. It wins. I'm watching it win. It comes at a cost - I believe that's true for every couple. But it doesn't fail. Not when it's God's thing. And me and H. We're God's thing. The only option is that we win. However imperfect we are at this, what God has put in us has to learn to live. It's learning. Slowly but surely. It's painful and it's difficult and I just wanna hide from all this challenge. But love is learning to live and to thrive. I see it in him. I sense it even in the middle of foolishness in us both. Nobody's willing to walk away. Nobody's willing to give up. Love is winning.

God spoke to me on Monday: "Take his hand and walk into Canaan."

It's time.

Abba has given me the grace of validating my feelings. He has acknowledged that my sacrifice is a real and as costly as I perceive it to be. He has said to me very candidly that the fear I have of the fallout of it all is more than right - but that I can trust Him to deal with the judges and persecutors, that He is bigger than them. He has said to me that He understands my pain. That He sees it and that He isn't letting me ache this way in vain. That I'm not wasting my time or throwing my life away by allowing Him to have His way in us.

I needed that. I'm conditioned to DO in spite of what I feel. But this has been a place where I needed to know that what I feel matters to God. I needed that validation of my heart. I cannot describe how much I needed that.

In the last few days, God has given me comfort in offering to my weak spirit that acknowledgement that what this has done to me matters to Him. I just needed to know that it matters.

So. It's time. Time to take my man's hand and walk into the Promised Land.

Grieving is important. But it also needs to end. And just like all else, we choose to stop grieving. We choose to put away the feelings and the indulgences of grief and to begin to learn to live again, with a new normal and a new mindset. We choose to embrace the new reality before us and to find the things of beauty in a place that is foreign. Eventually the emotion will catch up with the choice to live. But we have to choose to give up grief if we want to breathe again....

I want to breathe again. And I want to do it with H. I'm hurt. I'm angry. I'm broken. And I'm sad about it. And that's ok.

But I need to breathe again. I need to allow my heart to take a deep breath and to see what my God sees. I need a fresh vision and a new perspective. I need to learn to live the new normal and I need to embrace the parts of this new reality that are full of beauty and hidden treasure.

It's time to put my grief away and my apprehension. Time to stop mourning the death of my own wants and expecations and to embrace the fullness of the Glory of God in the sacrifice.

I've obeyed. Now I need to believe. My heart needs to be allowed to believe, if it will ever be able to recover and to live.

I want life for us. I want the Promised Land. The cost is high. But to not follow God will cost more. Of that I'm sure.

I'm not sayin' I wont struggle. I'm not sayin' there's not healing yet to be done. I'm just saying I'm puttin' my mourning clothes away.

I'm gonna take him by the hand, and however difficult this may be, I'm gonna lay aside my grief and go get my milk & honey.

Joshua and Caleb made it because they believed God enough to obey and keep going.

I want to make it. I want him to make it.

I want us each to be that One In A Million....

Ten Things!

1. My kids in the youth choir - they are delightful!
2. Kaki - my mom's dog
3. My brother; I love him so dearly
4. Beautiful Fall Weather (80 degrees in October in Texas is a cold front)
5. Good Music
6. Cell Phones
7. Alone time at work
8. Cute Jewelery!!!
9. Pedicures
10. Flip-Flops!!!

I thought this would be a good time to do a fun list. Go visit Jill. It'll be lots of fun, I promise!

What He Told Me About Wanting to Be Perfect

My most recent post on Heart Songs.

Yesterday would be a great indicator that I have NOT managed to reach perfection just yet.

Nor will I anytime soon.

I Know How to Get Through It...

I just don't know how to deal with it...

I have discovered, thru recent events, that I'm great at enduring a situation. I'm great at gritting my teeth and just getting through it.

HOWEVER.

I suck at DEALING with it.

I ignore my feelings. They don't matter. All that matters is that I grit my teeth and get through it.

And once that's done, it's time to move on. Put those feelings away and just move on.

I am screwed up.

So much so, that I have allowed that way of responding to things that impact me deeply to color the way I handle the people in my life.

I seem tough. Not so much.
I seem hard. Not so much.
I seem aloof. Not so much.

What I am is afraid.

Of being judged. Of being criticized. Of not being good enough.

I thought I had gotten past this.

Apparently not.

Or maybey I have, with everybody but the one person that counts the most.

Because I am screwed up.

And if I don't get un-screwed up, everybody around me is gonna be screwe up too.

...
...
...

Since we ALL know that is NOT ok with me, I guess I just need to woman up and get in touch with my emotional self.

I need to learn to embrace that chick that wants to feel things and understand all that good stuff.

I WANT to embrace her. I'm getting to know her, and really I kinda like that gal.

Me and her are gonna be buds.

Oh boy. *rolling my eyes in exasperation. with my hands on my hips*

This whole repressed thing is SO not working for me. Not at all.

*sigh* back to work on my inner-self we go.

bye, ya'll.

The Recap

It's been almost two months since I posted, and even longer since I've posted anything of consequence.

2009... the year is almost over. I'm not sure how I'd categorize this year end, except to say that almost two years to the day, we had opportunity for a re-do.

And while the situation didn't end in nearly such a volatile way, I'm struggling to be okay with the way things are right now.

Apologies given on my behalf that are not at all justified and hardly warranted. Conversations relayed and the most vital parts excluded. Chastised for being unwilling to bear the responsibility of someone else's pride and what-not. Fault-finding where there really IS no fault, except that what bothers you is not really true cause to BE bothered...

I just don't know how to be ok with that.

Sadness permeates my spirit. I long to see God open up the windows of heaven and reveal to the rest of the masses publicly what He has long revealed to me privately.

I long for the rest and the peace of promises fulfilled and vindication made obvious.

We don't live in a perfect world, among perfect people. Nor are we perfect ourselves. And most often situations are not optimal on at least one side of the fence. But that knowledge doesn't lessen this pain... Not at all...

But then a friend reminds me: we are privileged to share in the sufferings of Christ. Because it teaches us to truly appreciate the Blessor and the blessing in the way that most honors His heart toward us.

In some ways, this is a comfort. In many ways, I'm still trying to navigate this...

Wish things were mended. Wish they weren't awkward. Wish it just didn't hurt so bad.

Ecclesiastes 5 says that the end of a thing is better than its beginning and that sadness is better than laughter because it does a refining work in our spirits. And oddly enough, this is comfort for me. Deep comfort. Because it acknowledges that sadness is part of this journey. That it is ok to feel it, to acknowledge it, and to accept it as simply par for the course.

I feel absolved of the need to put on a good face, when the only face I have inside is a somber one... I feel free to not be 'ok'... It is utter relief that I don't have to fight this tidal wave of tears. That I can indulge them, because they have a purpose and a place in the transformation God is working in my heart.

Somehow this is a tremendous comfort to me...

2009... began with tears
and is ending the same

And that's really alright. Because it all has it's place in the process of deeper intimacy with Christ.

It's really alright...

See ya'll in the new year. Have a great Christmas and a wonderful New Year.

ro

More on Noah...

(if you haven't read the previous post, check it out. That way this one will make sense.)

And to build on this theme of Noah and the Ark... There was a time even when they were safe in the boat, after they had all gotten away, where they felt trapped. Stuck. No way out.

And Noah had to be riningin' his hands sayin, 'God I've done all this stuff. Built this boat, gathered people and animals and what-not. And sealed us in all safe and sound. But this provision. It doesn't last forever. Please tell me You didn't just bring us here to leave us literally floating on all this water to perish?! WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU?!'

Poor Noah. He had to be afraid, tired, ready for what he had always known as 'normal'. He had to just want some simplicity and mundaneness back in his life. For real.

And then God gives him some more direction: send out the dove (i think it was a dove).

How special.

Think about that. God starts givin' Noah signs that the water is receding and dry land is near. God, who is the creator of all, who does not OWE us anything, chooses to give a glimpse so that Noah's faith doesn't waiver in the home stretch.

And in the end Noah gets a rainbow as a promise that the Lord will never destroy the earth again with water.

That moment had to ROCK for Noah. He had to be on a cloud knowing that the God of the universe had chosen him for such a task and such a promise.

Lord,
All kidding aside, thank you for the dove and the olive branches. Thank you for the glimpse and the glimmer. Thank you for the reminder of crazy faith and hope and how it all looks. Thank you Lord for Your Holiness. And thank you for the promise at the end of the rainbow. I love you and I appreciate the glimpses. I appreciate the olive branches. All i see is water right now, but Lord I know that the water is receding; the signs are all around me. No more resignation. No more consolation prize. The promise is beautiful and I look forward to the refreshing drink of it's fulfillment.

I love you and I apologize.
Amen.

Inside My Head

I don't typically do the expected Thanksgiving post.

But I'm doing this post today because seriously I have a ton for which to be grateful this year.

I do any other time as well, but this year is significant.

And maybe it's not that I want to give thanks for any one thing in particular, but that I'm grateful for the changes I've seen in me and in those around me...

I've come to learn that growth never comes without a cost. Life never arrives without some sort of death. And truly I've seen that around me. Old things are being made new and things that have lain dormant are being revived.

Prayers I've been praying for almost 6 years now, in some way, shape or form, are being answered and I'm seeing the very precious fruits of my labor. Situations that I wasn't quite sure would work out in my favor have begun to come together. So many uncertainties have been my companion, but not anymore.

This past year has been a victorious one. I wasn't always so sure of myself or the wisdom of following this path, but this year has shown this a wise thing.

And so I'm grateful for my life - the life He has given me.

Happy Thanksgiving all!

Excellence

Lately the Lord has been impressing on me that we are to do all things in excellence.

OUCH.

How many of us really do this? How many of us really follow the instruction to do all things as unto the Lord.

Because the question really becomes, if the Lord Himself were in that office next to you and He said 'I need this by 3pm' and it was already 1:30 and the normal time to get it done was 2.5 hours, would we have the nerve to complain, or would we fear Him enough that we simply made it happen to the best of our abilities?

Or even closer to home, if He were in our homes and He said to us that we needed to cut out all distractions and focus on our families and our the state of our homes, would we be so bold as to say that we need some 'me time' or an outlet, or would we fear Him enough to say 'Yes Lord' and then do just what He has said to the best of our abilities?

Notice the repetitive phrase. Not perfect. Just your best.

Yeah I know. I'm as guilty as anybody else. There are plenty of times where good enough wins out over exceptional - and it isn't because I'm not capable. It is because I am lazy.

The last several weeks, the Holy Spirit has put in my heart the phrase 'with a spirit of excellence' and I find myself repeating it over and over again. I have been convicted that it is not enough to just do something, but that we must do it fully and in the way that pleases Him.

So that job that you don't like where they all get on your nerves, but you know the Lord has you there and that you are there until He says differently? Put the attitude up and do your best to reflect God in all ways in work ethic and demeanor.

That man that has gotten on your last good nerve - and the kids and dog too, and who is the last person on earth you want to serve? Get over it and serve him ANYWAY, in the way that glorifies the Master.

In scripture, slaves are told to work for their Masters as unto the Lord -which in my mind means that they possess self-control, wisdom, and a joyful countenance. They would also have to be long-suffering, steadfast, and beyond skilled at controlling their emotions in any given circumstance...

For the Believer, his master IS the Lord and this life is our assignment from Him. Within that framework, anything to which He calls us, He expects it to be done fully - excellently. His word says that He does not like lukewarm - that He spews it out. Says to be either hot or cold. Serve Him or not. But none of that halfway stuff.

No mediocrity.

Think about it. If something is supposed to be cold and it is lukewarm, it is mediocre. If it is to be hot and it is only warm, it is mediocre. There is no in-between.

Kinda-sorta just doesn't cut it.

Excellence. That seems to be the name of the game.

On Loss

It would seem that I'm an expert on this subject, what with me have experienced God's love so deeply on this level and all...

Yeah. Not really.

But I have come to a couple of conclusions on the subject.

The first is this: you never get used to it. You never get used to losing or letting go of the things in your life that you have amassed. You never get used to the feeling of desolation that comes when you don't have your *own*... you just never get there. At least not in my estimation. And you never ever get used to losing people. Not friends, not family - no matter if you simply lose the relationship or if they leave for eternity. You never really adjust to all that comes with that loss.

The second conclusion is this one. There is almost no more effective way to get to know God, to really know where He stands on your list of priorites, or to understand and accept His Sovereignty. Loss is one of the things in this life that hurts the most. By its very nature, it is the sort of pain that forces you to look to be comforted outside yourself. It is the sort of pain that draws you to or pushes you away from God.

Loss is always a crossroads and a pivotal point in our lives. It's just all a matter of our perspective. And no matter what road we take, we always know that ultimately in the losing, we are not in control. We can fight, we can resist, we can argue, we can hold on. But when it is all said and done, it is always always always God's choice.

And no matter how we feel about the choice He's made, no one can deny that a God so powerful is one worthy to be worshiped. He proves through loss that He is God all by Himself and that there is no other god like Him.

I've been working my way thru some things and processing some other things and what I have finally wrapped my heart around is this: God is love. And He is perfection. If He chooses to take from me what I hold so close, then it means that He knows something I don't. He knows better than I do. And though I can be sure it will hurt to the depths of my soul, I can also be sure that He is the God I want to continue to serve. I can trust His Sovereignty and His Omniscience. I can know that He is God and He will be my Comforter, My friend, My Safety, and the Lover of my soul.

I know that I can rest in Him no matter what comes next. I want with all my heart to run TO Him instead of away from Him. I am willing to know God this way.

He has orchestrated my life with the utmost precision and perfection. He has been constantly allowing that knowledge to rest on me, I think in preparation for this next stretching. And that is what I choose to do. I choose to rest in that knowledge and serve Him in spite of my humanity.

Because He is my God.

Ro

Dude... Seriously...

I am fat. Let me etablish this from the beginning.

This weekend we had a family reunion. I found a spot and stayed in it most of the evening. I was tired and wasn't really feeling it to begin with; I went out of obligation. I don't play cards. I barely play dominoes. In general I'm totally outta my element at those sorts of functions. I'm much more at ease if I'm working than if I'm just a guest. Working keeps me busy and out of the limelight - just the way I like it.

Oh, and let me add that part of my tired was that we had just spent several hours in the sun and the pool that same morning. I had had a late night Friday night and then was up at before day a.m. Saturday because my dad decided that I should want to go on a walk with them and the dog. I didn't go, but I did get up. So. By 5pm, I was tired and really just wanted to rest. And since being with people is NOT my idea of rest... u get the idea.

All this comes because of a conversation me and my dad had this morning. Seriously, he made me cry. "I'm worried about you. You avoid people because you are self-conscious of your weight. You are such an extrovert. You love people. I dont want your life to pass you by." And I'm sitting thinking, all this because I stayed to myself at a get together.

A couple things: Mind you, I was already overly sensitive because he looked at me with pity and worry and disappointment at 6:45 am Saturday morning because I didnt' want to go walking. 1) I am not a nature girl. Me and the outside are not buds. Haven't been ever in my life and I doubt we're falling in love anytime soon. 2) I just flat didn't want to get up before day to bond with the family. Seriously.

So. Fast forward to this morning and my frustration is two-fold. Lets conquer the easy one first: the fat-girl thing. I have always been fat by everybody else's standards. It has always been much more of an issue for other people than it has for me. In high-school I looked at myself and was pretty pleased with what I saw reflected back. In adulthood, I have been pretty ok with myself. I have begun to truly want to lose weight for health reasons, but as to my confidence -for the most part that has remained (and still is) in tact.

My dad (you had to know) has been the one withe BIGGEST issue of all. Add insult to injury, I actually HAVE begun taking small steps toward my goal. The real issue is this: I DO NOT like to exercise. Never have, seriously doubt I ever will. I like certain activities because well, I see them as enjoyable. Walking and biking and all that are not necessarily fun to me. So, given the choice I will most likely not elect to get up before day to walk several miles or ride several miles for ANY reason. Exercise will have to be a learned discipline for me and will most likely be a couple miles on a treadmill or a 45minute ride on a stationary bike.

And that's ok.

The other part is this: I do not want to work-out with my dad. He's critical and it messes me up. I don't like eating in front of him as it is and for me, when I set out to accomplish something personal to me, it has to remain that way. PERSONAL. I am like a deer-in-headlights otherwise. This is a me and God thing. And I frankly just don't want to share that with anybody besides my man. This is one of those intimate things for me that I want to be an 'us' thing. There is a comfort there that I have that I can trust him not to judge, but to encourage and to support - and to do it with me. And that is as I believe it should be.

Moving on.

My lack of comfort in groups.

I AM self-conscious. Because usually I'm being doted on or fawned over. I don't like to be the center of attention, positively or negatively. I prefer anonymity. Always have. I am NOT an extrovert. I am NOT a people person. I don't even take compliments well. (I have no idea how to respond without sounding dorky or conceited.) I have just learned that sometimes I can't be by myself so I have to learn to deal with people in a way that doesn't leave them feeling judged or criticized. Being with people is work for me. My natural tendency is to analyze and to watch. It makes everybody else uneasy because it translates as very quiet and not very warm. And, frankly, I feel very judged in groups of people. My family, to be exact. Everybody expects something from me. Everybody wants something. Everybody thinks they know who I am. And none of 'em really truly get it. My own immediate family has been so critical and judgemental the last few years that I all but shut-down with them. I sincerely don't like it. Call it what you like. I just dont like it. They don't like my man. They dont' like my job.They don't like my friends. They don't like my spiritual life. I'm jealous. I'm mean. I'm judgemental. I'm critical of everybody else and it's WRONG. But they can all do ME that way and it's all good. NOT REALLY. I'm SO over putting myself out there to be scrutinized. I'm really good to be left alone.

I told my dad honestly the way I feel about the whole 'judged' thing. And his answer was that when I truly get comfortable with my 'lot' and truly know where I fit I wont' be hurt by people's perception. Dude seriously, I know that for YOU feelings don't matter. But for me, in spite of your best effort to teach me otherwise, they absolutely do matter. I know my lot. I've accepted it and I know where I fit. I JUST DON'T LIKE IT. And it leaves me feeling hurt and abandoned more often than not. And for right now that's just the honest truth. In time, when I'm feeling more like the Lord has proven that I haven't lost my whole mind, I'll probably feel better about it all, but right now, in this season: it hurts. And that hurt comes from my family. And so I dont' do well with too much too often.


In all this talking, Dr. Suess couldn't manage to listen. He decided he knows me better than I know me. And he continued to worry. And then he was hurt that I was not in a great mood. Dude. I am a GIRL. We are nit-wits by nature. My emotions were all outta wack and I just wasn't right. But it will pass. Because that's just how it is. And really, that's ok too. Because the Lord did not make me to see or respond to things like a man would. He made me female and womanly and all that goes with it. It's ok for me to accept it and to sometimes simply let that part of me have it's way. Nobody will die if I lose it once every six months for approximately 24 hours. Sheesh.

I did not hide out because I'm fat. I hid out because I'm tired of all the dramatics and the tensions that I feel with my family. LAWD HAVE MERCY. Can a girl not just want a break?

DA-RA-MA, people. DRAMA & KA-FLAMA.

*sigh* Oh well. Can't win 'em all, can ya?

Family

You know, family so often is the source of frustration, tension, hurt, and conflict. But they're still family.

As I'm working thru some things, what I realized yesterday during a conversation with a friend is that my family is seriously ride-or-die. The last few years have been difficult and stressful, but as flawed and as messed up as we all are, they love me. Beyond a shadow of a doubt. And I love them the same.

There's not a thing in this world that they wouldn't do for me or give for me if I needed. As many trials as have come our way, there have been that many more great moments to recall and hold tightly. My will and theirs may not always match. My passions and theirs may be different from each other. And my perspective on life, faith, love and lots of things may be based on a different set of experiences pesonally than theirs. But none of that - absolutely none of that - changes the fact that what they want for me is what I want for myself: God's very best for my life.

They love Him. They love me. And at some point, those two will fall in line together, and His best for me will look the same for us all.

As one season ends and another begins, I am recognizing what a gift family is. We go thru seasons together. And sometimes separately. We learn together. But sometimes at different paces. No matter, family is ALWAYS family. Love is love. And right now, that means the world to me.

The season is changing. The landscape of my family is changing. We have gained some people; we will lose some. There will be births and deaths, marriages and divorces, and always that blacksheep. But even with all that, we are all that we have. And I cherish them.

Lord, thank you for the family You've given me... Thank you that they love me with a passion that really is nothing short of amazing. As transition knocks on our door, please ready us. Hold us close, make us brave, teach us how. Not our will, but Yours. Not our way, but Yours. Forgive us. Cleanse us and move us into the large place that You have reserved just for us. Reveal destinies, break curses, destroy strongholds. Open eyes and ears, hearts, minds, and spirits to experience You in a new fresh way. Keep Your promises to our fathers and their fathers before them. As for me and my house, we will serve You alone, Oh God. We will serve You alone.

In Christ' holy name, amen.

Iris is the host of this meme. Pop in and visit. There's lots more of this good stuff.

I Want So Bad to Be SO Pleasing

I want so BADLY to be pleasing to the Lord. I want SO much to do what He wants. And then humanity strikes and I find that *gasp* sometimes I'm just a spoiled little brat who pouts and throws fits and has tantrums because she doesn't understand or it doesn't look like it's gonna ever be right.

I get scared and uneasy and I panic. Because I'm human. And sometimes that stuff just wins out over being all faithful and confident. And sometimes I even threaten to just quit and not do ANY more because I'M SICK OF THIS RIDE.

Yeah.

And then the Lord speaks to me. And instead of speaking to me harshly, He simply gives me direction. Simply walks me through the fit and lets me get it all out. And then, once I'm done and once I surrender, He comforts. And He confirms. And He restores me. And He says something like 'you have pleased Me, not because you got it right, but because your heart stayed firm in me. You did not give up. You did not walk away. You did not quit. You chose me ANYWAY. Your heart is Mine and I am pleased.'

For that, I am thankful. That in my humanity and my failure, God still finds me redeemable, loveable, and pleasing.

I am thankful.