What am I thankful for today?
A fresh perspective. This is a huge time of transition for me. And the Lord is stretching me and allowing me to seek Him out in a new way. One that overwhelms, if I really consider what He's requiring of me, but one that leaves me SO excited to see what He will do w/this level of obedience.
I love knowing that He is confident in my ability to be stretched this way. It's just like a parent cheering you on. Knowing you can do it, even when YOU don't know you can do it. It melts my heart knowing that my Daddy trusts me with the things of importance to Him this way.
It's like I'm yawning, stretching, WAKING UP and running into that land He told me he would give to me. I'm refreshed. Like I'm coming back to life.
I love Him. And I'm thankful He loves me back.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Last night I found out.
So we're having this conversation. He brings up this current situation. So I say honestly what I feel. And then he wants to start trynna put his paw all down. LIKE I BROUGHT THIS FOOLISHNESS INTO OUR LIVES.
So not a good move on his part. Not at all.
*be warned. this is a rant. i know what's right. I know what God says. But i need to get these words outta my head before they lead me to act like myself instead of trying to act like Christ.*
We've dealt with this same thing, to varying degrees for a long time. And now, because he gets his feelings bruised he makes an impulsive decision with serious far-reaching consequences. Instead of honoring my rights, I'm trynna honor God's will for us in this. And instead of him appreciating the support - and acknowledging that what he's really due is a whippin' - he comes at me like he's ENTITLED to my understanding.
OH BUT FOR JESUS. And I'm so serious about that statement. OH BUT FOR JESUS.
I know he's hurt. I know he's frustrated. I know he's tired. BLAH BLAH BLAH.
NEWSFLASH: WE'VE BEEN DOIN THIS TOGETHER. Which would mean that, last I checked, you are not hurt tired or frustrated alone. Not even a little bit.
Yet and still you are the only part of this dynamic duo that should freely speak his piece?! Nah, bro. Wrong answer. You might wanna try again. Because this road - the road where I am silent and I am expected to accept foolishness as righteousness?! That is NOT the road I'm travelin'. And by now,he should really know this. I grew up that way and it took me a long time to put that mess aside and find myself and a voice that was balanced and confident. I flatly refuse to repeat that cycle. On any level.
And I'm not sayin that silence isn't golden sometimes. Because it surely is. But when you make a choice that affects my life - my future, it is NOT the time for me to shut up so you can feel like a man. GET OVER IT. Cuz surely, you should not expect that you are free to indulge your bruised ego, at the cost of my well-being.
I know this seems like a bash. But it isn't. My anger does nothing to lessen my love. If i didn't love him, i wouldn't care at all what he did. But I do, and more than it not being good for me, it is most definitely not good for him.
I'm just sayin'. If I gotta take a big-girl pill and walk this out with God's heart for all the folks involved in this ridiculousness, then most certainly I should be able to expect him to do the same - especially since it is HIS choice that has us in this place.
yeah yeah yeah. I know that love doesn't love only when it's honored. i got all that. but it doesn't change a thing about how i feel right now.
At this moment i'm angry and over it. At this immediate moment, i'm good to wash my hands and walk away and let him fix this foolishness on his own - if he can.
Or, at least i WOULD BE ok with it.
Except for that pesky thing of trying to really be truly obedient to this commitment God asked me to make a long time ago.
So. I'm gonna keep walkin. and I'm gonna keep processing this. And giving it to God. Because if not, he is oh so OUTTA HERE.
*grace Rosheeda.Remember grace.*
*repeating over and over to myself: grace. grace. grace.*
On the off chance that anyone wants to advise me, I'm closing comments for this post. Cuz while I appreciate all the insight, I'm not searching for an answer. God's given me that. I just need a safe place to be emotionally honest.
It's not about my feelings. It's about my victory.
I know that.
But the feelings are still there and ignoring them wont do us any good.
*p.s. dont be surprised if i come back Monday with something totally not angry and all full of God's p.o.v. - Remember in my last post I openly admitted to being a bit bi-polar in my response to all this.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Notice the new Scripture on the sides of the blog. Notice the lessons in trust, the talk of vulnerability, hard conversations. All that goodness.
Oh and let's not forget taking low-gear instead of high.
There is so much learning goin' on around this camp.
And this post is about some more of that.
What I have come to believe about marriage and becoming one is this:
It doesn't just begin from the moment you walk down an aisle, stand in front of a room full of people and proclaim your undying love and devotion. Marriage really and truly seems to me to be a choice of the heart and the spirit. There is a commitment to a future and a life together well before you say I do. You purpose inside that this is the path you are to walk and you want to walk it together. So you begin learning how. You start making that adjustment in your thinking and your decision-making. You start learning to be inter-dependent in small ways, so that when you DO take that walk, you are at least not completely shell-shocked.
And that process has started in my own little world. Actually, it's been under-way for a while now, but in the last few weeks things have kicked into a bit of a higher gear.
I'm finding that more and more in my prayer time or my talks with the Lord, He's instructing me to 'follow Chu's lead.' Which for Little-Miss-Independent is more than a notion.
'Honor his request and trust Me to work it all out.'
It's an interesting place to be, to say the least. And one that I'm honestly pretty excited about. The changes in him that I alluded to earlier this week all have to do with truly solidifying our relationship dynamic, with him being in the lead and me being willing to let him.
One of those areas is provision and my work. I know my own desires regarding work, but it never dawned on me that just maybe he had a perspective on my work and the position it takes right now, as opposed to the one he'd LIKE for it to take...
We've talked previously about my own feelings as far as working and all that good stuff and our perspectives were on totally opposite ends of the spectrum. I knew what I believed the Lord has said to me. And I knew Chu wasn't trynna hear it. So I left it alone and decided to just pray about it and let it go until later. Besides... it doesn't even really matter to me til we have kids anyway, so no big.
Well, we start talking about work and finances and all those things a week or two ago and unbeknownst to me, he has been thinking. And he has a plan. Has made an executive decision, to some extent. And as I'm listening, I'm thinkin' 'Lord is it time for this just now?' I'm preparing my rebuttal and thinkin' of the gentle way to shoot that whole plan right on down.
Then I realized that it wasn't a question. Not at all. He only phrased it as an idea to put it out there. Because you see, he doesn't make suggestions. He makes decisions that masquerade as suggestions. And really, even though I was wanting to shoot it all down I don't have a legitimate reason to resist what he's asking.
What is comes down to is this: his mindset is transitioning, just like I've been asking. The things that I would expect to see in order to be comfortable enough to start this whole process are the very things that he's showing to me. And the real question is not whether or not I like what Chu wants, but whether or not I trust him to have made a wise choice. And more than that, do I trust the Lord to do just what He's told me He would - which is to work it all out.
So, as I've been thinking this thing out and praying my way through it all, I've had to recognize one really big thing about myself: I don't have an issue with his position on the matter, his solution, or the reason behind it. I actually agree with his position AND the reason behind it. I just have to make my peace with accepting the solution. I have to recognize that it is born of a heart that loves me and that wants me to be happy and content, no matter what.
And in that recognizing, I've had to decide to be obedient. To honor his request and let the Lord work it all out. To simply trust Chu on this one.
I don't know that I see the how of it just yet. Nor do I know that there is truly a need for this change right now. But I do know that the how will come. And the fact that it is being done simply out of desire, on his part? Well... that's just incredibly sweet to me.
Chu has managed to earn a whole new level of respect on this one and my confidence in him has risen a notch or two.
It is nice to see the fruit that comes from obedience in our relationship. It's a pretty special feeling to watch the Lord answer my prayers. Prayers that I've prayed for years for my husband. Chu may not be perfect, but he's being perfected daily and he continues to start looking more and more like the man I've prayed for.
How can I not honor that?
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
My heart beats for you.
We've endured so much. Seen so much. Battled so hard.
There is so much between us, and we've had so much to overcome, but Love, we've come a long way.
Words cannot express the depth of my heart for you right now and the burden God has given me on your behalf. You have been a teacher and a friend and it means everything to me that in spite of a lot of things, our Lord gave us an opportunity to properly appreciate the blessing of our relationship.
You are, at this moment, blissfully unaware of the morning's events; as I faced the same battle we faced two years ago at this same time, I realized something: I can't make you apologize forever for the things that have caused me pain. I can't hold you emotional hostage for things that are long over and done. In some ways, I'm guilty of that. And I'm sorry.Truly I am.
There is so much that is beautiful about you. So much that makes my heart smile...
I count it a rare, beautiful privilege to learn about God's love for me as He teaches us to love eachother.
I pray that our relationship is characterized by grace;that we love each other well and freely for as long as we both shall live and that we build a legacy for generations to come of uncommon love, grace, and relationship.
All my heart, all my love, with every breath that I take.
Monday, July 4, 2011
He protects me so often from what I do not realize is lurking in the shadows, waiting to assail me and destroy. His mercy is evident in my life in a tremendous way.
If it were not so, I cannot imagine who or where I'd be.
I'm one grateful chick.
Go see Iris and share why you are thankful.