Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Thankful Thursday - Stretching & Awakening

What am I thankful for today?

A fresh perspective. This is a huge time of transition for me. And the Lord is stretching me and allowing me to seek Him out in a new way. One that overwhelms, if I really consider what He's requiring of me, but one that leaves me SO excited to see what He will do w/this level of obedience.

I love knowing that He is confident in my ability to be stretched this way. It's just like a parent cheering you on. Knowing you can do it, even when YOU don't know you can do it. It melts my heart knowing that my Daddy trusts me with the things of importance to Him this way.

It's like I'm yawning, stretching, WAKING UP and running into that land He told me he would give to me. I'm refreshed. Like I'm coming back to life.

I love Him. And I'm thankful He loves me back.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

It's About That Time...

The urge in me to run away is so strong. And I think i'm gonna give myself permission to do that. Just for a few days. Just for a little while. I need time alone away from everything and everybody. Just me and God.

Because lest we're unclear, this is not just about me and H.

I have sick family at the moment too. They're tag-teaming us. My grandfather has been in the hospital for a month and will be in a rehab-hospital for ANOTHER month. My grandmother has also been sick. Took her to the doc got meds and seemed to be getting better. But is NOT getting better. I'm not even staying @ home right now - which is probably a blessing due to the current OTHER situation. *sheesh*, but which is also a stress in and of itself - because I'm helping to grandma-sit, and THAT is more than a notion.

Work. We wont even begin to discuss that. Not at all. Not EVEN at all.

This emotional place, while it might have come to a head because of the situation w/H, is really all about EVERYTHING.

ALL THIS WORK. All this time. All this growth. And all this sacrifice. For it to look, at this point, like things are going BACK to what it was at the start of all this.

I said 'yes' and my life fell completely apart. The whole floor was pulled from under my feet. And I struggled then to hold it together. Failed miserably in a lot of ways. And two years in, was so depressed that I was just ready to quit life altogether. But God did something. He protected me. I know in my heart that He had a constant guard around me to keep the spirit of suicide from me.That place lasted for a while. Much longer than I'm comfortable recalling.

And now, two years LATER. It's all falling apart. AGAIN. The SAME way it did at first. And I'm reeling from it. Staggering to get to my feet and just hold it together somehow. And fighting this onslaught of emotion with all I got.

I stood at the hospital this morning, lookin outside talking to God. And I finally got down to what's so painful here. I said  yes to Him, believing life would get better and understanding that I had a price to pay for the choices I had made before. That price was high, but I figured, you know... I had chosen wrong so going back to the places where i made wrong turns and in effect doing it over really made sense, however uncomfortable or inconvenient it was. I could accept that.

But now? Four years later?  "Yes" still looks like this? It's all still falling apart. All that obedience and all that surrender and sacrifice and what-not. And it still ends up falling apart... All around me. Excpet that now, the stakes are higher than they were then. Because then I had some sort of life. But now. Now I have nothing at all. Because I GAVE IT ALL UP. Everything. Everything.

I gave it ALL up to follow the Lord.

And however strong I might be, I am not super-human. Nor am I immune to the effect of this on my spirit. Becaue in truth, I have not stood under my own strength in quite some time. And now I am beyond aware that the ONLY thing holding me together is God. He has put something in me, surrounding my spirit that won't let my mind fall apart. But my emotions. They're gone. Outta there.

And for me to admit that is a HUGE statement. Because me and emotions, we don't even kick it that strong.

This last blow. It's not about H. It's about the fact that it all looks like I stepped back in time to four years ago. Then, i wasnt so invested in this. Then, losing most of this stuff wouldn't have hit me so hard. But now? Now, I'm fully vested in all this. And losing anything more, be it a man a job or another relationship, its just too much. Flat-out. It's too much.

And every door, every out. God has LOCKED. I cant find a way to run away in this if i tried. Because God just wont open the door to provide the means of escape. Which is all I care to do in this space of time.

I miss me. I miss my own genuine laugh and excitement about life and the possibilities. I miss my beautiful brown eyes MINUS the sadness and seriousness that seems to always be present in this season. I miss being a person who can relax without fear of something else traumatic happening. I miss not having to fake my way through most things emotionally. I miss not always feeling broken and not always feeling like people can look at me and see the mess that is my life. I miss not wanting to hide because I'm ashamed. I miss the places where I genuinely was not uncomfortable or uncertain of me. I miss the me that made some sort of reasonable sense and that made decisions that didnt leave me feeling at the mercy of something I couldn't see or perceive. I miss not having this ridiculous responsibility and all the uncertainty and discomfort that comes with accepting it.

I miss my freedom.

And yeah i know. I have a NEW freedom in Christ. That's all good.


I miss my freedom to live my OWN life. Because at least then I had the illusion of security and safety. At least then, what I had was comfortable.

Cuz all this constant discomfort; this constant risk-taking and stretching and change. This is not what I had in mind. Not at all.

I just miss that space in time where this constant breaking was not my reality. Genuinely I do.

And that's ridiculous. And contrary to God's word. Because He says in Ecclesiates NOT to long for things that were, because we can never know what that road would've  held.  Throughout scripture He says to press forward.

But so help me. Right now. I dont want to press anywhere, excpet far far away.

I have realized in the last two weeks that death is infinitely preferable to insanity. Because death is absolute. And for me, it would be life. A life free of all this that I'm muddling my way through right now. I'd be free. And in a real way, I'm craving that.

But insanity, to live locked up in one's own mind... in one's own pain and brokenness. And to do so indefinitely, until maybe the pieces reconnect somehow and allow you to regroup? That is something that I can't fathom. Not at all.

And because this is where I am - a genuine true reflection of my heart in this moment and a real understanding of just how broken inside I am right now - I am taking some kind of break.

I wanted to check out for a few days (or so) when all this started. But God said, "Not yet. You will need it more later than you do right now.'

I woke up this morning and the only thing I heard was 'I am going to allow you to leave.'

Later I heard 'now you need it.'

And the height of my own ridiculousness is that the part of me who pushes myself beyond what seems to be the limit in most things, has the audacity to think that maybe it isnt time yet. I know. I'm questioning my stability under all this, but I have the nerve to wonder if the timing is wrong... But even as I type this, I'm hearing 'You need to be alone with Me.'

So. I'm checkin' out sometime soon. Maybe even this coming weekend. HOPEFULLY this coming weekend. For as many days as I can manage it. Until I have really been with God. He wants to speak and I really need to hear.

And even if He's silent the whole time, even if all I do is sleep and pray and cry. Even if that's ALL that I do, the respite from real life and all the responsibility that comes with it will be welcome.

It will be more than welcome...

Saturday, July 9, 2011

I Wondered...

when I'd really get angry about all this foolishness.

Last night I found out.

So we're having this conversation. He brings up this current situation. So I say honestly what I feel. And then he wants to start trynna put his paw all down. LIKE I BROUGHT THIS FOOLISHNESS INTO OUR LIVES.

So not a good move on his part. Not at all.

*be warned. this is a rant. i know what's right. I know what God says. But i need to get these words outta my head before they lead me to act like myself instead of trying to act like Christ.*

We've dealt with this same thing, to varying degrees for a long time. And now, because he gets his feelings bruised he makes an impulsive decision with serious far-reaching consequences. Instead of honoring my rights, I'm trynna honor God's will for us in this. And instead of him appreciating the support - and acknowledging that what he's really due is a whippin' - he comes at me like he's ENTITLED to my understanding.

OH BUT FOR JESUS. And I'm so serious about that statement. OH BUT FOR JESUS.

I know he's hurt. I know he's frustrated. I know he's tired. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

NEWSFLASH: WE'VE BEEN DOIN THIS TOGETHER. Which would mean that, last I checked, you are not hurt tired or frustrated alone. Not even a little bit.

Yet and still you are the only part of this dynamic duo that should freely speak his piece?! Nah, bro. Wrong answer. You might wanna try again. Because this road - the road where I am silent and I am expected to accept foolishness as righteousness?! That is NOT the road I'm travelin'. And by now,he should really know this. I grew up that way and it took me a long time to put that mess aside and find myself and a voice that was balanced and confident. I flatly refuse to repeat that cycle. On any level.

And I'm not sayin that silence isn't golden sometimes. Because it surely is. But when you make a choice that affects my life - my future, it is NOT the time for me to shut up so you can feel like a man. GET OVER IT. Cuz surely, you should not expect that you are free to indulge your bruised ego, at the cost of my well-being.

I know this seems like a bash. But it isn't. My anger does nothing to lessen my love. If i didn't love him, i wouldn't care at all what he did. But I do, and more than it not being good for me, it is most definitely not good for him.

I'm just sayin'. If I gotta take a big-girl pill and walk this out with God's heart for all the folks involved in this ridiculousness, then most certainly I should be able to expect him to do the same - especially since it is HIS choice that has us in this place.

yeah yeah yeah. I know that love doesn't love only when it's honored. i got all that. but it doesn't change a thing about how i feel right now.

At this moment i'm angry and over it. At this immediate moment, i'm good to wash my hands and walk away and let him fix this foolishness on his own - if he can.

Or, at least i WOULD BE ok with it.

Except for that pesky thing of trying to really be truly obedient to this commitment God asked me to make a long time ago.

So. I'm gonna keep walkin. and I'm gonna keep processing this. And giving it to God. Because if not, he is oh so OUTTA HERE.

*grace Rosheeda.Remember grace.*

*repeating over and over to myself: grace. grace. grace.*

On the off chance that anyone wants to advise me, I'm closing comments for this post. Cuz while I appreciate all the insight, I'm not searching for an answer. God's given me that. I just need a safe place to be emotionally honest.

It's not about my feelings. It's about my victory.

I know that.

But the feelings are still there and ignoring them wont do us any good.


*p.s. dont be surprised if i come back Monday with something totally not angry and all full of God's p.o.v. - Remember in my last post I openly admitted to being a bit bi-polar in my response to all this.

bye ya'll.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Thank You Lord


It's been a long week people. I'm thankful that it's almost over. And I'm thankful that God showed up and righted some things that were wrong.

He keeps showing me His Sovereignty.

Gotta Love It!

Go see Iris!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Follow The Leader

Remember a long time ago, when I told you some change was on the horizon around these parts? Well, I think we're comin' up on that time.

Notice the new Scripture on the sides of the blog. Notice the lessons in trust, the talk of vulnerability, hard conversations. All that goodness.

Oh and let's not forget taking low-gear instead of high.


There is so much learning goin' on around this camp.

And this post is about some more of that.

What I have come to believe about marriage and becoming one is this:

It doesn't just begin from the moment you walk down an aisle, stand in front of a room full of people and proclaim your undying love and devotion. Marriage really and truly seems to me to be a choice of the heart and the spirit. There is a commitment to a future and a life together well before you say I do. You purpose inside that this is the path you are to walk and you want to walk it together. So you begin learning how. You start making that adjustment in your thinking and your decision-making. You start learning to be inter-dependent in small ways, so that when you DO take that walk, you are at least not completely shell-shocked.

And that process has started in my own little world. Actually, it's been under-way for a while now, but in the last few weeks things have kicked into a bit of a higher gear.

I'm finding that more and more in my prayer time or my talks with the Lord, He's instructing me to 'follow Chu's lead.' Which for Little-Miss-Independent is more than a notion.

'Trust him.'

'Honor his request and trust Me to work it all out.'

It's an interesting place to be, to say the least. And one that I'm honestly pretty excited about. The changes in him that I alluded to earlier this week all have to do with truly solidifying our relationship dynamic, with him being in the lead and me being willing to let him.

One of those areas is provision and my work. I know my own desires regarding work, but it never dawned on me that just maybe he had a perspective on my work and the position it takes right now, as opposed to the one he'd LIKE for it to take...

We've talked previously about my own feelings as far as working and all that good stuff and our perspectives were on totally opposite ends of the spectrum. I knew what I believed the Lord has said to me. And I knew Chu wasn't trynna hear it. So I left it alone and decided to just pray about it and let it go until later. Besides... it doesn't even really matter to me til we have kids anyway, so no big.

Well, we start talking about work and finances and all those things a week or two ago and unbeknownst to me, he has been thinking. And he has a plan. Has made an executive decision, to some extent. And as I'm listening, I'm thinkin' 'Lord is it time for this just now?' I'm preparing my rebuttal and thinkin' of the gentle way to shoot that whole plan right on down.

Then I realized that it wasn't a question. Not at all. He only phrased it as an idea to put it out there. Because you see, he doesn't make suggestions. He makes decisions that masquerade as suggestions. And really, even though I was wanting to shoot it all down I don't have a legitimate reason to resist what he's asking.

What is comes down to is this: his mindset is transitioning, just like I've been asking. The things that I would expect to see in order to be comfortable enough to start this whole process are the very things that he's showing to me. And the real question is not whether or not I like what Chu wants, but whether or not I trust him to have made a wise choice. And more than that, do I trust the Lord to do just what He's told me He would - which is to work it all out.

So, as I've been thinking this thing out and praying my way through it all, I've had to recognize one really big thing about myself: I don't have an issue with his position on the matter, his solution, or the reason behind it. I actually agree with his position AND the reason behind it. I just have to make my peace with accepting the solution. I have to recognize that it is born of a heart that loves me and that wants me to be happy and content, no matter what.

And in that recognizing, I've had to decide to be obedient. To honor his request and let the Lord work it all out. To simply trust Chu on this one.

I don't know that I see the how of it just yet. Nor do I know that there is truly a need for this change right now. But I do know that the how will come. And the fact that it is being done simply out of desire, on his part? Well... that's just incredibly sweet to me.

Chu has managed to earn a whole new level of respect on this one and my confidence in him has risen a notch or two.

It is nice to see the fruit that comes from obedience in our relationship. It's a pretty special feeling to watch the Lord answer my prayers. Prayers that I've prayed for years for my husband. Chu may not be perfect, but he's being perfected daily and he continues to start looking more and more like the man I've prayed for.

How can I not honor that?

More To Remember

Love frees the spirit to soar, because it allows its object to grow past situations and pain that would otherwise destroy its essence...

more reflective stuff...

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

And Once Again... Just One More Post

To My Sweet Man:

My heart beats for you.

We've endured so much. Seen so much. Battled so hard.

There is so much between us, and we've had so much to overcome, but Love, we've come a long way.

Words cannot express the depth of my heart for you right now and the burden God has given me on your behalf. You have been a teacher and a friend and it means everything to me that in spite of a lot of things, our Lord gave us an opportunity to properly appreciate the blessing of our relationship.

You are, at this moment, blissfully unaware of the morning's events; as I faced the same battle we faced two years ago at this same time, I realized something: I can't make you apologize forever for the things that have caused me pain. I can't hold you emotional hostage for things that are long over and done. In some ways, I'm guilty of that. And I'm sorry.Truly I am.

There is so much that is beautiful about you. So much that makes my heart smile...

I count it a rare, beautiful privilege to learn about God's love for me as He teaches us to love eachother.

I pray that our relationship is characterized by grace;that we love each other well and freely for as long as we both shall live and that we build a legacy for generations to come of uncommon love, grace, and relationship.

All my heart, all my love, with every breath that I take.

In A Strange Moment....

... this is what God gave me...

2 Thessalonians 1:5 (New International Version)

5All this is evidence that God's judgment is right, and as a result you will be counted worthy of the kingdom of God, for which you are suffering.

yeah... g'nite...

Monday, July 4, 2011

God's Mercy

He protects me so often from what I do not realize is lurking in the shadows, waiting to assail me and destroy. His mercy is evident in my life in a tremendous way.

If it were not so, I cannot imagine who or where I'd be.

I'm one grateful chick.

Go see Iris and share why you are thankful.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

It is Not About Me... SHEESH God!!!!!

My friend Lynn has written two posts over on her blog this last week, namely this one and this one, that have profoundly convicted me of my attitude in all this.

See, the night before the earth shattered, my uncle out of nowhere spoke to me about a season in  his and my aunt's marriage where he almost threw away the life they had. And he gave me more insight as to things that happened just before they actually got married. At that point, none of this stuff about baby boy or even the fact that H had been with this chick had been revealed. Not yet. It was literally the night before it all came out.

My uncle told me that night 'please dont be so selfish as to think its about you. It's about the legacy God wants to establish for all the little rosheeda jr's and other people in your life.' And this came AFTER he said to me 'don't do what's natural.do what's right. if you want to see God work in a super way, you have to function in an unnatural way. It's not that it doesn't feel right, it just doesn't feel natural. Becaues it is not always natural to do what's right.'

All this and he had no idea why and no real reason to tell me any of what he did that night. Neither of us knew what was comin next. Imagine my shock the next day...

Anyway. Back to the conviction...

Lynn's posts.... cant even describe the profound impact and the deep, allbeit gentle, chastisement of my heart.

The pain I've felt. It has been profound and I have been completely furious. So much so, that I have not been at all interested in what's best for anybody in this. Not even me. Because, in my own mind, what's best is me moving on so that I can get past this hurt inside. But God has been really really plain that to leave would be destruction for us both. That's a tough - and bitter - pill to swallow. Because how can such exquisite pain be best?

But knowing Lynn's story, reading Lynn's posts, it reminded me that I have been praying for H's family as long as I have been praying for him. Their futures are affected by my choices. I was reminded that all sorts of things are at work that I cannot see. I was reminded that I have asked God to allow H's family - and mine - to see him transform and me blossom and us together defy everybody's expectations so that He is revealed in our story. I asked God for this. I asked for the gift, privilege, and responsibility of this journey with H. And I'm wrong to be so angry that I don't see past my pain to his good... our good.... THEIR good...

I asked God for a unique, exquisite, undeniable work of His hands in our relationships. I want better for us that status-quo. I want more for us that kinda happy. I want far greater in our relationship than 'it'll do'... I want as close to bliss as we can find here on earth. I want an uncommon friendship and an uncommon intimacy. I want a oneness so strong and so absolute between us. I want ten years and more kids and more bills from now to look at him and feel as drawn and as connected and as united as I've felt. I want us to never lose sight of what God has done in us and to always have a marker to know that we've come face to face with God and survived. I literally want us to always revel in the gloriousness of God's work in us.

And for any of that to be, we both need to have real true reason to appreciate what God's given. It's easy in relationships to forget. It's easy to lose sight and to let life get in the way. But God can give everything I've asked and more.

The opportunity to be a reflection of God's greatness is so amazing here. But I've thumbed my nose because the road isn't easy. I've been tempted to turn tail and run because it costs so much.  I've wanted to throw all this work away because H has proved to be as human as I knew he was from the start.

Pride has always been my struggle. And now is no different. God's been showing me that little by little. Pride has played a huge part in my displeasure with all this. Cuz the truth is, I haevn't been faithful. It just didn't result in a kid and it was at a time in our relationship when I was not at all interested in what God wanted for us; I was bent on my own way and my own plans. I gave no thought to the fact that maybe H saw a future with me. I just knew that I wasn't interested in seeing one with him. I've failed too. It may not have been made known to him, but I've failed just as completely as he has.

And if the tables were turned, he loves me enough that leaving wouldn't be an option. In my heart, no matter what I WANT to say, I believe he'd stay. We'd fight. He'd be mad. It wouldn't be easy. But in spite of his hurt and brokenness, he'd stay.

I'm no better than him in this. And beyond all that, this is not about me.

Which also leads to babyboy. The way to see him is not as a reflection of his daddy's failure. The way to see him is as a reminder of God's unmitgated grace, faithfulness, and favor to us. Every time I look at that face, I will be able to see the beauty of the work of God in our relationship. He is a reminder that God is sovereign and just and that all things work together for good. That God always accomplishes His purposes in our lives and that He can do everything but fail. This boy will remind me that Love fails not and that God answered every prayer of my heart by allowing this season to be as full as it has been of all the various pieces and emotions.

Beauty for ashes is really what this is and God's glory will be undeniable when it's all said and done.

.... God sure does have a way of making His point...

Lord, I'm sorry. Yes. Everything. You are everything and You can have everything. I will embrace C and I will love - and respect - H. Just help me to keep my eyes on You as the rest of the road reveals itself. Amen.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Because I Want To Remember

Last night felt... right...




uncontrived and uninhibited

He wanted me near him. And I wanted to be.

We slept. Soundly.


And each in our own way, started to surrender to our hearts.




It just felt... right...

Normal and like what it should be...

Just this overwhelming sense that his arms is exactly where I belong. And he felt it too.

And that's enough for now.

The rest I want to savor. It's sweet and it's soothing.

Proof that God is doing something in this.

I just want to remember. That's all.

Last night is worth remembering..