Tuesday, June 12, 2012

I've Got a New Attitude!!!

Recently I've been goin' thru some things. Trynna make my peace. Trynna convince myself that it's all good and I'm feelin' swell.

Didn't work so well for me.

I've been struggling hard (for a very long time) with some some stuff related to some things. I've taken a couple of really hard knocks, and getting up has been a struggle.

But I finally chose to get up and keep it movin'. Because who has time for the misery of old trash - trash that wasn't even MY trash, no less?

So. My new look?My new name? It's truth. Time for me to own up to my needs and my wants and to do what it takes to make it happen. Time for me to let go of everybody else's ideals and to embrace fully what the Lord had for me.

Ride or Die - some of ya'll get it. And some don't.

For the some who don't: it simply means to be about the business of getting yours, NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES.

So today, I decided. It's time I take some things to heart and be about the business of gettin' mine.

Ride-or-Die. All-or-None.

I'm in it to win it, and I'm not lettin' go til I have everything that belongs to me.

My life for yours. (you know who you are.)

And for those that I'm talkin' to and about, I'm ready. I'll be ya ride-or-die chick.

Square business.

Love ya'll.

My new look, this new name. Its because I understand. I'll do what You say. There are no throw-aways in my life. I can accept that it doesn't look shiny and new just yet. I want that toy you gave to me, just for the purpose that you gave it. I won't try to re-make it and 'fix' it. But I will stand, I will pray, I will fight for my toy to be used for it's purpose. I yield. Fix ME. Make ME better. Make ME righteous. Make ME pure. Make ME holy. I am not who I once was. I am not yet who I will be. But I am right where you've called me to be at this moment in my life. And instead of crying because it's hard and hurting because their toys work better than mine, I'll put on my big-girl panties and walk this thing out. Your Will for me, is just that. And I have no right to compare my walk to anyone else's. So I repent. And I will be obedient. I will get over myself and take it down a notch. I will do my part to bridge our gap. And I will trust You. This about no one and nothing but You and me. The relationship we have. The test isn't in whether or not I can stand. I will stand. You've already told me that. The test is in whether or not I believe in Your love for me and Your perfection in and for my life. And I choose to believe. Father forgive my failures and forgive my sin. Forgive my hard-heartedness and my pride. Forgive my unwillingness to APPRECIATE the effort that is made, because it hasn't been the effort I've wanted to see. I have been proud. But pride cannot coexist with love. So I surrender that prideful part of my nature to You. And I choose to value what is good and true and right. Thank you that you freed me today from the sins of the past. Allow me to walk in victory and obedience. To rejoice in the beauty that You're giving to me from the ashes of my sacrifice.

I love you,Daddy. I choose You. I choose Love. I choose Life.

I yield.

In Jesus' Name, Amen.


Monday, June 11, 2012

Whatever It Takes, God

I know I asked God to do whatever it takes. I have GOT to remember not to pray like that.

What seemed to be coming to some sort of an end, is in reality only WORSE than I thought it was before.

A word of advice: secrets are destructive between couples. They really are.

My heart is hurting so deeply right now.

This weekend brought it all.

I am at a loss for words.

And my post yesterday morning was BEFORE the secret was even revealed.

Grace upon grace upon grace.

I dont even know where to start with this. I am asking God to do something that is just miraculous right now. I am asking it in me AND in H.

Anger would be my emotion of choice. Because then at least I wouldn't feel so foolish for looking him in his face and saying "...nothing can make me move away from you...'

Because this... THIS warrants me moving away from him.

However, all i feel is compassion. All I feel is that thing that only a heart that loves you beyond you can feel. I looked at his face as he shared his shame. And all I could see what his hurt and his pain and his disappointment and uncertainty. And anger at himself at the mess he's made.

My first thought was not, I'm leaving. Not, I'm done. Not, I'm gonna kill him. It was, we can get thru this thing. It's a BIG thing, but we've dealt with big things before and we can get thru this just like all the other ones.

Which is really maybe too simple an answer, becaue this is by far the BIGGEST, costliest thing we will have endured so far.

But then. It's really not too simple. Because it's only grace.

Pure and simple. From God and of God. And Him alone.

I know that He spoke yesterday instead of me. I know that He filled my mouth because when I opened it in anger and disrespect He silenced me and changed the words I intended to speak.

We've got a hurdle to get over.

A big one.

One that wont go away and one that has lasting implications in a lot of ways.

As I'm sitting here typing, all these questions come to mind about what it does for the things I desired in our relationship. Will I have to sacrifice those things, or will those things still come to pass? And how, OH HOW, am i supposed to navigate the new relational twist this brings?

People think I'm all gracious and stuff, but really I'm just bent on being obedient. That kinda grace. The kind it's gon' take to do this until it's done? I dunno about that one.

But I know God's at work. I KNOW He's in this. He gave me the grace yesterday to build up my H. He gave me personal grace last night to re-iterate my support and my commitment to this dynamic duo. He's giving me the grace to process my emotions little by little and without unproductive outbursts of hard-heartedness. (Which was not my reality yesterday morning, even BEFORE the revelation.) He's really sustaining me right now. Truly He is.

And He's really breaking H right now. Truly He is. I don't know how God is gonna do what He's doing, but I do know that both H and I need this. This refining is answered prayer. This situation has literally killed our relationship. That has all been done away with. Because we will never be the same. And that's a good thing. Because of this death, comes new life. Sanctified, uncluttered, unhidden, unfettered life.

"I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds." - John 12:24
We needed to die. We were just eaking by. Honestly. God's grace and Love that He put there from the start was holding us together. But now, we can experience a very different sort of Love - an uncommon love, an uncommon grace, an uncommon forgiveness and oneness between eachother.

Now, beauty for ashes takes on a whole new meaning for us. He has an opportunity to know God so differently... And I do too.

And that's exciting. Even in the midst of my pain, in the midst of the anguish in my heart and the sorrow that draws tears in the most unexpected moments, I have this bubbling laughter in my spirit. The Lord lets me glimpse it every now and then and it blesses my heart. Because I know that that laughter is the pleasure God is taking in giving me my miracle and in giving my H new life.

As much as I love H, God loves him exponentially more. He would do nothing to harm him. He would allow nothing that would destroy his spirit. All this is meant to build him up, to make him the man God destined him to be. And God loves me. And would do nothing to harm me or to destroy my spirit. All this is meant to build me up too, and to make the the woman God has destined me to be.

This is hard. I'm not gon' lie. But 'whatever it takes God' meant just that. I dont regret it. I'd do it all again if it meant my H being in right relationship with my Jesus.

I cant say I wont be venting more, but I can surely say that I know God is sovereign and in control. He keeps reminding me today that He is God and that nothing takes Him by surprise.


He already knew this would be. He knew what we would both do. And He knows the end. His word says that the end of a thing is better than it's beginning. I'll take that.

At the end of the day, my heart is for God. At the end of the day, my heart is for H. At the end of the day, God is in control and He does all things well.

He is faithful and just to keep His promises.

Grace upon grace upon grace.

I owe H that, because God continually gives me the same.

My God is amazing. He is awesome. And He is worthy of such commitment and praise.

And my H. He's worthy of grace and forgiveness and commitment. And more than that, he's worthy of my love and affection; he can be trusted with my heart. He can be trusted to protect me and to honor what we're being given.

God is redeeming our love, as only He can.
That's worth my praise.

Please restore us. Seal our hearts to eachohter once and for all. Free us totally of past things and usher into new beauty with eachother. You have given us love that neither of us expected to share. Now Lord, please protect that love and make it better. You know your plans for us, plans for prosperity and not harm, plans for a hope and future. Surround us each with people who walk in Your Wisdom. Lord please let H choose life and not death. Please let him choose uncommon Godly wisdom over worldly expectation and wisdom. Please soften his heart to obey. You harden men's hearts and you soften them. Even as the seed dies, Lord breathe life into it. We love You and we seek You in this. Show us how do the things that are now part of our life and responsibility.

In Jesus' precious name. Amen.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Thanks God - For Real...

Wierdest thing ever.


It woke up.

Sometime over the course of this week, a desire for H that I haven't felt in months has shown itself alive and well.

This as opposed to non-chalance - or, more accurately, resignation.

I was floored at the realization that 'miss you' had some real value this week. Even more taken aback that a need of affection from him assailed me a few days ago. Nothing too extreme... just a need to be hugged and held... totally shocked by the fact that I didnt have to fight with myself to convince myself to be ok w/some expression of want...

Then last night... Life has happened for him all week long and that always drives us together. Seems that God always uses that to bridge gaps (or chasms) between us... Anyway. Last night, it happened on some grand scale that I wan't aware of until he got here. Mad cuz he was late and blah blah blah... Then he explained - and oddly enough, it was enough...

And desire. It was STILL alive. And not because I was just so sweet and so immediately willing to put my attitude up - but because HE was sensitive enough to do two things he has typically not been good about: (1) he explained. (2) he apologized.

God is working this out.

To understand the depth of any of this, you have to know me. And you have to know him. Situations like this usually brings us to a not-easily traversed impasse. But last night... he recognized something I told him a long time ago: I dont have an on/off switch when it comes to affection and such. And I recognized something I'm sure I've just been too mad in recent history to accept: he cares and he's trying. And more than that, he's tired of failing, tired of looking at my face and seeing pain. He's tired.

Knowing that made it easy to let it be ok. And giving in to that made for a very nice night. One that, quite honestly, ended too soon.

For the first time in a long time, I wanted more. A LOT more. I wanted to lose myself in him - and I trusted that I could. His arms are beginning to feel like a safe place again. And his heart is turning into a haven.

I asked God to let me see, and He did.

I woke up this morning wishing he was here, wishing i was waking up to a lazy Saturday morning w/nothing to do but rest with him, beside him, in him. I wanted today to be a day where we could just blow off life and 'be'...  It's been a minute since I've been hit that hard with such an unyielding craving for ANYTHING...

This is nothing but God. His conviction, His revelation, His love. Nothing but His grace. I prayed not long ago that I would be able to feel the emotion of love so that I could respond better to the requirements of love. Last night He gave that to me.

I'm beyond grateful for such faithfulness...

The walls are coming down and what's right and good and true between us is rising to the surface...

His grace is sufficient for us and His mercies are new every morning...

I hope he saw my effort to trust him again last night as clearly as I saw his effort to care for me - to put me above all the real life that was hapening around him...

I hope he feels in is spirit that I am finally getting to that place where I'm genuinely willing to let things be made right between us... I hope last night gave him the courage to act on all that I saw play across his face and all that God has been showing me privately about where his heart is right now.

I hope he knows he can start to feel safe with me again. He can begin to trust my love instead of being constantly on-guard because he's always so clearly hit with my pain. He can rest and know that everthing will be everything. Consistent effort, a little time, and a lot of Grace (for us both) - and everything will be everything again. Except this time, it'll be better and stronger and richer and deeper.

We're making our way to solid ground and I think I can finally breathe again...

Great way to start the weekend, huh? :-)

Thanks God for loving us so...

Friday, June 8, 2012

I've Missed You People!!!

Hi all.

It has been several weeks since I have posted a Thankful for Thursdays.

I wasn't sure what to say. Because seriously, I just was not feeling all grateful.

HOWEVER. Having been loved back into a place that doesn't seem shadowed by my own pouting, I think I'm ready to dive back in. :-)

I am thankful for my man.

I realized in a fresh way just how patient that sweetheart is with me and I am extremely grateful. And as I watch him mature, I know that the Lord truly has done a good thing in putting us together.

He's special and he's got so much great stuff just waiting for him. I'm grateful that I get to be part of all that goodness.

Join us. Go visit Iris and share with us!

Hmm.... My Heart's Softening... How Bout That?!

The most amazing of things is happening... my heart is softening. Since I spoke to the Lord that I want to want to again, it's been a little different....

My immediate thoughts no longer go to  'why do i have to do all this work'... now, they're beginning to adjust to just being in the moment and enjoying where we are right now.

Things are not ideal; but they are much better than I expected they would be.

I'm seeing this man emerge with me that I've longed to see and I appreciate it. I thank God for it, very seriously. I had lost confidence in things getting better and in my heart being willing anytime soon to finish this  journey. But the last couple weeks, especially over this weekend, I have started to sense the shift that I've longed for in him and in our situation.

And let me just be honest - the shift in myself.

We've started to find this groove that I tried to articulate in my last post and quite frankly it just makes me melt inside.  Thinking about him makes me smile again - as opposed to just infuriating me. Remembering the time we spend together just well... it makes me happy inside.  The subtlety of the changes make it that much sweeter, because I know its stuff that only the two of us would really pick up on with each other.

God told me a few weeks ago very specifically how to pray over him, me, and us. And it's like I'm watching those prayers come to life.

I was sitting doing the first of the last few Love Dare posts, and it dawned on me that the feeling inside me as I thought about those posts in relation to us was one that was 'warm-n-fuzzy' and it just made me excited inside to know that the feelings I've always had for him are not dead or so far gone that there's no hope of them being revived.

We're being revived. Fresh life is sprouting up. And that makes it all worth it.

Thank you God that You know better than me. Thank You for answering prayer. Amen.

I want to want to again....

Thursday, June 7, 2012


Only in the hood can you find RESTAURANT KoolAid so sweet, it puckers your lips, just like if you had made it at home.

And you know it had to be cherry, right?

*And yes people, a restaurant actually did make a batch of KOOLAID to serve to their guests,today. I am in fact, workin' on an extra big cup right now.*

The Wisest Thing I've Ever Done

I have no clue why I am up at such a ridiculous hour of the day. The fact is, i have been up for AT LEAST an hour already and I'd like nothing more than to go back to sleep... But since I don't see that happening, I figured I'd blog instead.

It's been days since I last posted and ya know... things are looking different.

I've actually begun to come to terms with what God is asking me and my answer... the one I couldn't give in that last post... my answer is 'yes'. And its 'yes' to everything. H's leadership, believing in him, trusting him, respecting him. It's yes across the board.

I know, total 360, right?!

God is teaching me lots and lots of things. The greatest lesson by far is what love looks like in His sight. And as I learn that, I am learning just how much I have also missed the mark.

I love the creativity of our God. It blows my mind that He knows just what to do to get us to exactly where HE wants us to be - beyond ourselves, clear on our own inadequacy, and willing to do things His way.

I know that you have no clue what I'm talking about... part of that 'yes' was doing something outside my comfort zone (I dont know WHY that's something that's still so new to me. *rollin my eyes*... I should expect that by now...) to honor something H said to me during World War III several weeks ago.

"You need to learn to govern your mouth." ... it took all i had not to repeat ALL the reasons why that was a statement that he should NEVER be bold enough to make with me... But I resisted the temptation. And then a funny thing happened: his words, they lingered. And they bothered me. And they forced me to talk to God. And even though I can't genuinely say that I agree with him, I cannot genuinely say that I believe he's justified in the statement OR the request... I have to admit that he's right. Because no matter how little right he has to ask such a thing of me right now - considering how seldom I give full vent to any thing remotely 'harsh' with him - however not fair I feel that is - God's word is so extra plain when He requires us to respect and to not speak harshly and to love one another.

I mean. He didn't say, respect him when he deserves it. He said respect him. He didn't say believe in him when it's easy. He said believ in him. He didn't even say submit to him because he's trustworthy. He said submit to him. He didn't say show grace when it's not a challenge. And really - would that even BE grace?!

None of God's instructions have come with the caveat of IF he... They've been plain and absolute.

I've never been so convicted in my life as I have the last few weeks. Because in my own hurt and anger, I have allowed myself to lose sight of the fact that this is not easy for him either. He's hurting just as much as I am. He's as unsure as me. He's as tired as me. He's holdin' on just as hard as I'm holding on, hoping like all get-out that God fixes this in our favor.

All this realization led me to do something I had flatly REFUSED to do up until last week: I apologized for the way I've handled him.  I mean, nobody would really blame me, but as we started trying to call a truce I realized just how much my distance and resistance and just general lack of genuine warmth and unfettered affection has weakened his confidence in my heart for him; made me sad. Because that's never been my intent. I've just been too afraid to let go and see past what I perceived as lack of respect and interest - but what is probably more accurately fear of rejection and abandonment emotionally.

I have really sucked at this.

And I have really resented the fact that God has said to me pretty much from the start that refusing to give H full access to my heart is not of Him. Because in my own humanity, I just don't see the wisdom in giving that when he's betrayed the trust I had finally started giving myself over to. Because, make no mistake, I may be willing to own that I've missed the mark in some key ways, but uh.... he's just as guilty of adding fuel to that fire as he's ever been. His choices, they are responsible for where we are and they are the cause in large part for why I have felt absolutely no interest in opening that door to my innermost being. This mess, it is HIS mess.

But God's love, it is the same, in spite of the reason it has NOT to be. And that love is what He's been asking me to give all along...

So. I'm finally giving in to that and , well, the most curious of things is happening. We are beginning to live out an exquisite friendship; we are seeing the start of an absolute oneness and freedom with eachother. Slowly but surely, our hearts are turning back toward one another and all the pieces of this that have made it so tough seem to just be not quite as important as before.

Once again, obedience is proving better than sacrifice... I havent had to turn any flips. I havent had to be someone or something that I'm not. I havent had to suppress the truth of my heart or my hurt; I've just had to be willing to love beyond it. Taking that step has given me a wonderful new freedom and has invited my Beloved to the same.

God was right - as usual. This IS a blessing in disguise for us.

I'm watching it unfold and I see the collision coming. It's the most amazing of things. We are on a crash course with each other, and there's not a thing in this world strong enough to stop what's started happening.

This is love on God's terms. All it seems to be able to do these days is to pursue it's own agenda; the only choice it seems to have in all this is to keep on pursuing itself. And that's something that I find oddly comforting. There is something in that, that gives me new confidence in H. Because I see God's love for me in the way that he's choosing to love me in all this. No matter how risky a proposition he might think this is, he's doing the only thing his heart allows: he's giving himself over to the love God established in him toward me. And I'm learning to do the same.

And it would seem that this IS, in fact, proving to be the wisest thing I've ever done....

Thank you God. My fear was that this was foolish. You, as usual, are proving that following Your lead is never foolish. I love you and I'm ready to obey... so, yes God. Once again. Yes. Amen.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Thankful Thursday - A Promise Made is a Promise Kept

So, today is Thankful time again.

God has given me lots and lots of promises. Exciting stuff, right? But then it seems like it has taken an eternity to even ALMOST see Him keep them. Not so exciting, huh?

But then, just when you think He won't do it, or you must have heard Him wrong - He shows OUT! GREAT STUFF, LADIES. GREAT STUFF!

He told me last week: A PROMISE MADE IS A PROMISE KEPT.

It is beginning to ring true and I am most thankful for that.

Oh, and let's not even go there with Song of Solomon. I've been reading passages from there off and on the last couple of weeks. What on earth have I ever done for Him to love me like that? But He loves me that way anyway. That takes my breath. Makes me wanna please Him. Makes me love Him more. Because He DOES deserve to be loved like that.

yeah. Most Grateful.

Happy Thursday!!! Check out Iris' place and leave your thanks too, k?


Sunday, June 3, 2012

Mission Impossible

I've got a list of 'impossibilities' that God has called possible. I'm watching the beginnings.

Time to get seriously in God's presence and make sure I'm doing my part to be dead in the center of His Will.

If you think of me, will you pray for grace to follow the direction & instruction He reveals to my heart?

Ya'll are the greatest. Thanks!