Thursday, January 10, 2013

My Heart for Prayer

I have always been a prayer. From the time I can remember. I talk to the Lord constantly, just like I talk to Jenn. It's the only way I know how.

I'm a vocal girl; I need to speak a thing to process it. And because I haven't been given to allowing a lot of people to know my heart, I've had to vocalize to someone. And that someone has been the Lord.

Even when I was doing my own thing, I talked to Him - and expected Him to respond.

As He's drawn me back to His love, prayer has been a huge part of my life. I came to learn how to pray by noticing how the Lord answered my prayers. I'd say Lord, use me in xyz way, and His answer was to do literally what I had requested. I began to make the connection between what we speak and what we receive in response. So I've learned to pray carefully.

I have also been praying for others, as He leads. And up until now, that really had been a pretty close circle.

I am passionate for prayer for two reasons:

One, I believe it builds a relationship between us and the Lord that we can never have any other way. We become friends with Him this way. We learn to know His voice this way. We learn to trust Him this way. We learn to discern His Will this way.Prayer is the catalyst for every other part of our spiritual life and health.

And two, it teaches us to love eachother. Because it requires a purity of heart, and a sacrifice. We can't pray unless we love one another enough to put aside our feelings and pray with a heart that wants God's best for us.

Intercession is a gift. And a responsibility.

I wanted to share with you my heart, so that you would know why I have opened up to pray for you.

Hope you 'see' my passion and feel my love.


It's a New Year

2009 is here.

Not sure how to put into words what it means to me, but I know that it means a lot for me.

I have absolutely no resolutions for this year. I have only one goal:

That I continue to grow into the woman God has called me to be.

Whatever that looks like, that's who I want to be. Nothing more or less.

All I really want this year is to get to know the Lord better. I want circumstances to draw me closer to Him instead of pulling me away. I want to be so close to Him that even when hard things happen, I run to Him. I want to be so close to Him that even if I'm angry at Him, I run to Him and tell Him all about it instead of running away from Him and rejecting His love for me. I want to cling to Him in darkness and I want to know His Voice and Character so clearly that when I ask why and He says 'I Am Sovereign', it will be enough to know that He knows and understands what I cannot fathom.

This is my goal for 2009, that God be my all, even in the midst of the storms that come.

Blessings you guys and I hope that you sense the promise and the joy the Lord has in store for you and your families this year.


Tuesday, January 8, 2013

A Blessing & A Burden

Appaently I have a habit of getting quiet later in the evening. My aunt brings it to my attention regularly that I've stopped talking.

And she pretty much always assumes it's because I miss H.

Now. I'm the first one to admit, there are times when I withdraw into my own head and the last couple months, there have been those times when my life hits me at once and it makes me sad or whatever. And I DO get pretty silent.

But lately, my silence is really because well, I just dont have much to say. It's been said. I've talked to the few people I trust, to varying degrees. I've talked a lot to God. I've finally talked to Sweetheart. And I'm pretty much outta words about it all.

I'm just waiting. And learning. And finally, finding some rest in all this. What God is doing in me is amazing. And convicting. And transforming.  And it's the same in H.

And what He is doing in us as a couple is sacred and private and I just dont want to give it away... So I don't.

I'm saying all that to say, I'm not all that sad anymore. I'm just quiet.

But my aunt takes it as hurting and lonely and all that.

And last night, i'm not real sure how we got there, but I think she asked me if I had spoken to H and  I told her no. And said honestly I'm ok w/that. He needs to be alone with God and I dont really want to talk, I dont want to see him and be forever living the ache of this process. I'm ok with letting him deal with himself in private.

And that led somehow to her giving her opinion and such. Unsolicited and unnecessarily, I might add. Now. I understand that she is mad on my behalf. I appreciate that she loves me so much that she just wants him to get his act together and fix this or walk away and let me go... But really. I've said all I'mma say about that one. No matter what anybody thinks, the commitment the Lord asked me to make was not changed because He chose to put it to the test. Leaving isn't an option.

Nor is finding a new man.

I believe one of my most recent posts made that abundantly clear.

I'm just not interested in that.

Now, the real irony is that she will broach this conversation quite often and my answer is always the same: if this doensn't work, I'll stay single.  And I mean exactly that.

My auntie however, takes great exception and gets almost mad.

So last night, she was all, there are good men out there. Dont let the failure of one make you bitter. Dont be cynical. Its better when it's right and he returns what you give. You'll feel differently with someone who does what he should. Dont give up on your life because of H. You're only saying that because you're hurt. You sound cynical. You can be happy w/someone else. He may not be what God has for you....

Now. Let me take this point by point. I know there are good men. In honesty, H has not been that. But God says he will be. That's where it begins and ends for me. His faillures have made me sad and angry.But not bitter. I am not cynical, but I AM self-aware and realistic about who I am and what I want my life to be. I'm sure it IS better when it's returned. But it's already 'right' because this is who God has chosen for me. I might feel something for someone who 'does what he should' but I wont feel what I feel for Sweetheart, because giving my heart to him was, is, and will continue to be an act of God. I haven't given up on my life. I'm not speaking out of hurt. THAT would've been when I was tellin God I wasn't gonna stay. I'm very clear and very 'at myself' right now. I dont sound cynical. I just dont sound like what you think I should. I can do lots of things with lots of people. But I'm not so interested in being 'happy'. I'm interested in life being all that it CAN be with another person, good bad and ugly. I want to be fulfilled. And lastly. His failure doesn't at all mean that God has changed His mind. It just means H has made it a bit more challenging for me to honor my commitment to him.

The conversation in itself really bothered me and so I really started trying to work thru it in my own heart and mind. I finally just took it to God. Because I know what I believe I feel and mean. But I also know that it's easy - especially for a suppresser - to hide true feelings behind the mask of practicality and self-knowledge.

But genuinely, that is not what I've done.

Here's the thing:

I believe that love in one of the most amazing things God has ever reserved for us. I believe with all my heart that it is an exquisite opportunity to know God in a truly uncommon way and to experience great authenticity if we do it His way. I believe  that its beautiful,even when its painful. I believe that God means it to be a refining tool in our lives. And I believe that He meant it to be a life-long commitment for more reasons than one.

The love two people have for eachother, if it is of God, does't begin or end because it's gets tough. As a matter of fact, that's when it shows what it's really made of. And the commitment to honor that love doesn't begin or end because some man in a robe says so. That commitment begins in your spirit first. Whatever public expression is all good, but the vow you make is made to God and your man WELL BEFORE you take somebody's name. And if it's not, it should be. It should be made in your heart and it should be driven by an understanding of God's love for you.

Now I realize that that's a pretty unorthodox position, but I believe that if we will all access God in the way we CAN, we can all know when God is saying 'this is My will for you.' And we choose then to make that commmitment, in the form of obedience to Christ.

With all that said, I committed a long time ago to buidling my life with Sweetheart. And no amount of immense failure or pain gives me the right to tell God no - not when my whole life is predicated on the fact that I am a bondservant to Him and my life is not my own. Which means, I dont get to choose any path other than HIS path. Which is exactly what I've done (chosen God's path, that is).

I have walked into this with my eyes wide open and I have chosen - choose daily -  to live out my love on God's terms. And because of the life God has called me personally to live, I have and am paying a great cost. Loving Sweetheart has stretched me beyond all comfort and all personal understanding of what makes any sort of natural sense. I wouldnt trade it and I wouldn't trade him. In my heart of hearts, I want more htan anything to do life with H and to build the family I've always wanted. As a person, and because what God has for me, I have needed to learn the full depth in a serious way of a love that simply doesn't waver - not even when by all rights, it can.  And I dont regret it. I dont reget the commitment or the breaking or the difficulties. I dont regret any of it. Not at all.

But that doesn't mean that I want to do it over again. Not at all. I love my man. I value so much the gift of experiencing love and relationship and God's heart in such a special way. And I will cherish it all my days. But for me, once it's over, it's over. Once the season of romantic relationshp ends, it's a done deal.  I know. I'm young. I might change my mind. I'll see it differently later. But the thing is: I know myself. I know who I am and how I've been created. And I'm not a woman that God has destined to do this more than once. That's why it took so long to find him the first time and that's why it's so important to get it right now.

I know in my heart that I would be fulfilled,whether or not, I were to live life with a man. God has work for me and that work is a passion of mine. I can pour myself into it and find an immense satisfaction. Wanting to be a mom. I am a mom. To a lot of kids. And that would be enough for me. Wanting a place where i can be fully myself and fear no rejection and no disregard? I have that. I have that in God. He satisfies me. Over this season of transforming, He has become my best friend and when I most need to pour myself out, I know that I can do that with Him. And it's enough. God has taught me to need Him more than I need anyone else, and I'm ok with that. I have a great group of friends who love life, who live for God, and who love me. My life will be full and rich, no matter.

And the puppies, they're just a nice extra. :-)

I know... Unless you feel the same way, regardless of your relationship situation, this sounds like me trying to convince someone. But if you feel this way you get it.

It's not about being cynical. It's about understanding what absolute love is. And it's about knowing who you are in Christ - how He has uniquely fashioned you. It's knowing your own unique truth and your own intimate wants/needs.

And for me, as beautiful as this is, and as much as I look forward to the season for us that is NOT painful, I only want to do this one. I only want to have to give myself over completely to another human one time in my life.I want it to be all that it's meant to be - all that God has reseverd for us to experience together. And when it's done, I want to experience all the rest of life without the responbility (however beautiful it is) of having to consider someone else.

I tend to forget sometimes, that most women look at a relationship/marriage/man as the ultimate experience. But not for me. I look at it as a tremendous blessing and a huge sacrifice all rolled up in one. I am not naturally given to that sort of intimacy. It just doesnt come easily for me. I have learned to enjoy it, I AM learning to give in to it. But this is truly a holy experience for me - not to be rushed and not to be replicated. But in all honesty, I couldn't do this again if I tried - not knowing what I know now. Becuase I know that love is beautiful. But I also know it's a burden. And it's one that, given an opportunity to choose again, I'd choose to be without.

I know that sounds bad and like i view me and Sweetheart as some sort of chore. But I dont. Far from it. What I feel for him is something I can't even begin to articulate. He is worth everything he requires. Because he's him and he's mine. And my heart is so deep into this thing, so far gone, that there' s just no turning back. Not now. The love we have is of God, and its very nature allows nothing different than that we give ourselves fully over to it - which is exactly what's happening as God moves self  out of the way for us both.

It's so unique, so exquisite, so one-of-a-kind, that I just don't believe it could ever be such a marvelous blend of bitter and sweet, easy and hard, mountaintops and valleys, ever again. And knowing that I'd always cherish this on so many levels in so many ways, there's just somethin' in me that feels it would be to mar something sacred to try and do it again...

And I know this isn't everybody's heart or truth. It just happens to be mine. Different strokes for different folks and all that. And I realize that many people would choose to do it again for the very same reasons I would not.

I appreciate that. And I respect it. I just wish they would give me the same.

LOL,cuz heaven only knows that I do not want to deal with my family trynna match me up to that 'right' man. *rolling my eyes, and gigglin at the very thought*  =0)

have a great day and be true to your own hearts!


Sunday, January 6, 2013

The Ever-Elusive 'Want To'... Some Perspective

God's grace is marvelous.

His Love is contagious.

His Heart goes to depths beyond my imagination or comprehension.

His Spirit... lives.

His Truth. ... It always prevails.

I love Him more now than I ever thought. I know Him better now than I would've imagined. And I hope I keep growing in love toward Him and in intimate, personal, life-altering knowledge of Him.

He is teaching me to love. To understand what it REALLY looks like, lived out. And in that teaching, He is displaying for me, making plain and tangilble to me, the way that He loves me. The way that He's ALWAYS loved me.

He loves me well. Well beyond what I deserve. Well beyond what I can begin to understand. And well beyond anything that I can articulate.

Want-to... It has not risen up in my spirit. And I'm sure that it won't for a while yet. But something better is showing up in a might big way: Compassion. And grace... and Love.

I'll take that.

Want-to is all about a feeling.

Compassion, grace and love are all about understanding (also known as wisdom).

Wisdom trumps feeling. Doesn't change feeling. But definitely overrules feeling.

I was asking for my feelings to be different... DUH. Feelings are fleshly and human. They change on a dime.

I shoulda been asking for insight to be given. It would probably have saved me a few days of tears and such...

Want-to will come as restoration continues.

Wisdom will do nicely until then.

I am discovering that, somehow, all this learning and revealing from the last few months has taken root in my heart and turned into a full-on determination to honor my commitment to God to love H without condition.

Yeah. I know. Blew me away too.

I am also discovering that walking in wisdom also brings peace. The kinda peace that leaves you KNOWING things will be fine when it's all said and done. THAT peace.

And that leads to remembering.... This morning on the way back home to get ready for church, talking to my mom just in general it came to mind that I prayed very specific things over my husband, even before I knew I really WANTED one. I was 20 or 21 when those bold, apparently dangerous, prayers flew from my lips. It dawned on me in the moment that I remembered, that God is establishing that character in H even as I type. In my mom's words: Nehemiah. The wall had to be completely turned to rubble before it could be rebuilt; the foundation had to be rebuilt because the one it was on wasn't good enough. Whatever God is doing, He wanted the foundation to be better in your life, for what He has planned. She didn't know it, but she spoke very directly to one of my 'why's' when she spoke that. As in, "Why Lord, did You do this?" 

Grace in droves. The more I give it, the more He gives it to me. He's preparing my mom's heart to accept this. They won't know all the details. But they'll have to know some. Our talk this moring was meant for us both - for me to understand and see His hand at work, and for her to be ready for the next curveball that comin' her way in the form of my life.

Wisdom. It comes by obedience. And that by Love.

Not by want-to.

Because one really has nothing to do with the other. Not when you consider that love is bound by it's own character to relentlessly pursue it's object, no matter the cost to itself.

Want-to isn't even on the team.

and I think finally, that i'm alright with that...

Not because I dont want it. But because I've learned that need turns into want, when we honor it...

So. I'll take that. I'll honor need for now - cuz I know God will turn it into 'want' later.


YAY!!!! for a change in perspective!

Now let's just hope I can hold on to it... ha!

Thursday, January 3, 2013

How Much He Loves Me

XBOX Wife Ten Things Tuesday

Ya'll missed me, didn't cha?

I missed ya'll too!!!

  1. I am crazy. I have my own special variety of crazy. And Chu loves me anyway.
  2. I make HIM crazy. In my own sweet endearing way. And Chu loves me anyway.
  3. I seem flakey sometimes. And distant. And Chu loves me anyway.
  4. I'm scared of how much I love him - and he knows it. And Chu loves me anyway - hard and deep.
  5. He's scared of how much he loves me; he admits it. But it doesn't stop Chu from loving me anyway - hard and deep.
  6. My family is not his biggest cheering squad. Doesn't stop him. Chu loves me anyway.
  7. His family is probably not MY biggest cheering squad (although the ones that really count are on my side). Yep. Chu loves me anyway.
  8. We have totally different backgrounds and in some ways we are polar opposites. It drives us both nuts. And Chu loves me all the same.
  9. I'm an L-Squared. He is not. And Chu loves me anyway. (if you get this, great. If not, I'll explain in some other post.
  10. He wonders sometimes the method to my madness. And yep. You guessedit. Chu loves me anyway.

See a theme here? I realized all this greatness last night and it soothes my heart. I need him. And it's nice knowing he needs me - and more than that, he loves me.

Later ya'll. Go see Jill to join in.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

WHAT is WRONG With Me Today????

I am not in the best of moods. Not at all.

And it's really bothersome for me. Because I want to be all happy and what-not, DANGIT!!!!

I would love to say the frustration is work related, and part of it really is.

But I'm betting that the other part is related to something someone said to me last night. And I'm not frustrated so much as I'm sad and ambivalent about that. I see how much they want the Lord's very best. And their spirit is really grieving, feeling like I'm just missing the mark on something significant. But really. If you know me at all spiritually - and personally - then you know with certainty that THIS mistake is the one mistake I'm not willing to make. Because THIS mistake would be the one thing that kept me from getting my life. And because I know the magnitude of this choice, I have prayed (and still pray) that there be no error in this choice. I don't go looking for ways to make my life hard. I don't go looking for ways to appear all extra holy, or to look like I'm so idealic (sp?) that I don't see the truth because I look for what's good at every turn.

Because really, I see the truth. TRUST ME, I see the truth. And it drives me to my knees real often. It puts me on my face before the Father on a regular. Because it is not an easy truth. And at every turn I find myself deeper and deeper into this situation. Which would mean that extraction would be devastating.

Sorry to break it to everyone, I'm not that self-sacrificing. I'm not THAT good a person. Cuz if there was anyway the Lord would let make a different choice, I'd make it. Please believe.

HOWEVER, I'm not trynna fight Jesus. Seriously. So I can't help 'em out with the grief they seem to be experiecing on my behalf. Which is where ambivalence comes into play. I WANT to put them at ease. I WANT to make this more understandable. I WANT this to be easier somehow to accept. But I can't give them that. They have to seek that for themselves and make the peace with it on their own.

And I'm learning how to really truly be ok with not being able to make their peace for them. I've discovered that it's ok that me and the Lord have an understanding and I can be cool with the fact that I'm aiight, in His eyes. And that nobody else is privvy to it but me. And they may never be - and that's alright too.

And I can accept they they are acting out of love. Because that's really what it's all about anyway. Flawed and imperfect, love is still what motivates them. And because they DO love me, all else is to be made clear in God's time, and not my own.

So. I guess I just need to perk up,huh?


Tuesday, January 1, 2013

What Does My Name Mean...

This was intersting...

Some I agree with. And some I don't. If it's highlighted, I agree. If not... well.. you know.

What Rosheeda Means

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.

You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.

You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life.

You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you.

At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself.

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.

You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.

You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out.

Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia.

Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.

You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.

At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row.

You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace.

People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality.

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.

You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.

You have the classic "Type A" personality.