Wednesday, January 2, 2013

WHAT is WRONG With Me Today????

I am not in the best of moods. Not at all.

And it's really bothersome for me. Because I want to be all happy and what-not, DANGIT!!!!

I would love to say the frustration is work related, and part of it really is.

But I'm betting that the other part is related to something someone said to me last night. And I'm not frustrated so much as I'm sad and ambivalent about that. I see how much they want the Lord's very best. And their spirit is really grieving, feeling like I'm just missing the mark on something significant. But really. If you know me at all spiritually - and personally - then you know with certainty that THIS mistake is the one mistake I'm not willing to make. Because THIS mistake would be the one thing that kept me from getting my life. And because I know the magnitude of this choice, I have prayed (and still pray) that there be no error in this choice. I don't go looking for ways to make my life hard. I don't go looking for ways to appear all extra holy, or to look like I'm so idealic (sp?) that I don't see the truth because I look for what's good at every turn.

Because really, I see the truth. TRUST ME, I see the truth. And it drives me to my knees real often. It puts me on my face before the Father on a regular. Because it is not an easy truth. And at every turn I find myself deeper and deeper into this situation. Which would mean that extraction would be devastating.

Sorry to break it to everyone, I'm not that self-sacrificing. I'm not THAT good a person. Cuz if there was anyway the Lord would let make a different choice, I'd make it. Please believe.

HOWEVER, I'm not trynna fight Jesus. Seriously. So I can't help 'em out with the grief they seem to be experiecing on my behalf. Which is where ambivalence comes into play. I WANT to put them at ease. I WANT to make this more understandable. I WANT this to be easier somehow to accept. But I can't give them that. They have to seek that for themselves and make the peace with it on their own.

And I'm learning how to really truly be ok with not being able to make their peace for them. I've discovered that it's ok that me and the Lord have an understanding and I can be cool with the fact that I'm aiight, in His eyes. And that nobody else is privvy to it but me. And they may never be - and that's alright too.

And I can accept they they are acting out of love. Because that's really what it's all about anyway. Flawed and imperfect, love is still what motivates them. And because they DO love me, all else is to be made clear in God's time, and not my own.

So. I guess I just need to perk up,huh?


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