Sunday, December 12, 2010


'I don't know man. You're wierd.'

'Lemme ask you something. I need your help. You're a wise person.'

I heard both these statements directed at me within 3 days of each other.

The first was Friday night. I wanted to take offense because it was uttered in the middle of a pretty heated discussion. But mid-fight, I had to pause and say 'wow.' I couldn't really be offended, because after all, being seen as 'wierd' really is the whole point.We are supposed to not look like, act like, sound like, think like everybody else in the world.

1 Point for Jesus (cuz it certainly is not me)

The second statement came from my second daddy. Talk about just astonished? All I could do was take it in, say thankyou, and proceed to answer his question. Again. wow.

Another point for Jesus (cuz again, I am not that good.)

It is nice to know that the transformation in me is evident to the people who know me best.

How cool is that!

Saturday, December 11, 2010


... can be so overwhelming sometimes.

But it is probably one of the best journeys life has to offer.

I really appreciate the beauty God is revealin in the midst of the challenges.

I appreciate even more that the by-product of self-discovery and submission to Him is an embrace of His plan and will and way.

Me and Kesha were talking yesterday and one thing that I'm sure she didn't miss, that I also didn't miss is that our conversation turned to kids and future and things of that sort - and I actually was talking fully in terms of me and H and the kids...

Somewhere along this way, acceptance has taken root. Somehow in all this, the sting isn't so strong anymore. At least not right now. And not unrelentingly so.

And I'll take that.

shhhhh... dont tell nobody, but I think I may be getting a little excited. I just may be EMBRACING this whole thing... but dont tell.

I just might be excited... how bout that...

Friday, December 10, 2010

A New Beginning

I was sitting thinking last week. The Lord has been preparing me for a REALLY LONG TIME for a season of loss.

Last week, during one of the times where I am quiet but my mind is busy, somehow, Death snuck in and I started thinking of what that really is for a Believer.

Anytime the Lord talks to me about this particular thing, He uses the words 'passing' and 'transition'. Neither of those words implies finality. Passing implies goin' to another place. Transition implies moving to something new. And it dawned on me that literally, that is all that death really is. Those two words sum up death for a Believer. We leave our families and all, but we are far from 'dead'. Indeed, we finally graduated. We get to move on into the true promised land of Heaven...

Lately the Lord has used the word 'bittersweet' with me as well, and that evening I started to understand it. The bitter part will be for us - the ones who stay. The hurt, the fear, the loss, the loneliness, the emptiness. All that accompanies someone we love leaving us. All the life changes that come as part of the physical death of the body. That part will be bitter. Extremely bitter. But oh, the sweetness. It will be REALLY sweet. As I was sitting, all of a sudden I felt a joy come over my spirit. In an instant, transition made sense to me. I thought 'What a cool reward. They get to be finished. They get everything they've worked so hard for. They get to be with Jesus. They will be happy. Their body will be made well. Their race is finished; they get to rest.' And I was happy for them. I thought, how sweet it'll be for them to be able to just rest. I know how hard I've worked and how much I long to be done already, sometimes, and that they get the privilege of being done already is just absolutely mindblowing. So the sweet? Yeah, it'll be really sweet.

My heart is happy for them; sad for me, maybe, but happy for them.

I hope that when this word comes to pass, I will remember all that they are gaining - even as I work through the pain of them leaving. I hope that even as I weep for myself and our family, I will rejoice for them and truly celebrate because they were allowed to enter into sweet sweet rest.

And I hope that when it comes time for people to prepare for me to leave, they will do the same for me; I hope that they will rejoice with me and be excited for my new beginning.

More For The Record

"Love him as you love yourself."

and on that note... I'm going to bed.

nite-nite, all!


This past week has been the best week emotionally and spiritually that I've had in a VERY long time. Something happened at church last week... the Holy Spirit whispered to me 'breakthrough annointing'... and I believe that that's exactly what's happened in my heart over the last few days. There is a fresh connection between me and the Lord that I've longed for and there is an emotional honesty - but also a stability - that I have also longed to have in all that's happened.

That experience on Sunday is where this shifting and changing is coming from in other areas of my life... it's a beautiful thing. Really it is.

But it's also bittersweet.

Feels like I'm moving forward, but not moving on. And in some ways I'm alright with it. But in some ways it makes me nervous. Because in a way, moving forward means going back. Back to parts of myself that I had left behind and that I had pretty much accepted would always be gone. Back to habits and preferences and desires that I had also surrendered to God's time and His will - IF they were to be at all ever again. Back to a place in life with a little more latitude in my decision-making. It's not that I don't want the freedom. It's that I don't know that I trust myself with it.

Virtually every choice I've made for the last few years has been prayed over and committed to God. That now, I'm beginning to make decisions again without thinking them to death, that I'm becoming more spontaneous, it unnerves me. Because a) I have never been a spontaneous sort and b) doing my own thing is what helped me to get all off-track with God in the first place - and that's a place where I never want to find myself again.

It really genuinely feels like everything is going back to what it was at the point that I screwed it all up and that God is saying to me 'now that you know Me - really know Me - do it again, as the you that you are now and not as the girl that you were then.' I appreciate the vote of confidene and all; I just wish that I was as confident of me as God seems to be these days... Independence is something I didn't handle properly before; I want desperately to do so now.

As I typed that, I think that's really what the bittersweetness is coming from. God told me at the first of this year that my relationship with Him would begin to change, that I wouldn't hear Him as much or in the same way. He told me that He would reveal Himself to me differently, in part to teach me how others experience Him and in part to give me a break spiritually. He said to me that it's time to relax and to enjoy the fruits of my labor; to know that He's always with me and that He'll never leave me alone but that it's time to live a little more freely and to play and learn how to worship Him through the act of enjoying the blessing, rather than always in a pensive or painful or sacrificial way. And while all that is beautiful, honestly... I dont want my relationship with God to change. I like it the way it is. I like that He talks so much about so many things. I like that He gives me such plain direction and such intimate insight. I like that we have a relationship where I genuinely dont think anything is off-limits to take to Him or to ask Him to show me. He's become my all-in-all, my best friend. And I want it to stay that way.

Shifting gears, moving forward, I'm afraid that it won't.  I know that every kid has to eventually leave the nest so-to-speak... but... really.... can't I just stay home a little bit longer? :/

And, this is laughable, but it's honest - and since this blog is nothing, if not honest, I may as well put it out there... This change between me and God also means trusting Love to hear from God on my behalf in some ways. And uh... well... THIS has nothing to do with our current situation. I wasn't too keen on that BEFORE all this happened. I've never given over control of my life to any other person, save my father. And I really dont want to at this point. Not that he can't handle it. I'm sure God will fix it so that he can and so that he does it well. Just, well, I like that the only consulting I neede to do before was with God. I mean... He's had me to begin learning to do it, but like, that's been nice and gradual. But now, very literally, I'm being told to follow his lead, do as he says even when I know it's all wrong and trust God to make it right. Because, in God's words, he needs to be my best friend (this being from a human relationship perspective, obviously) and I need to learn to rest in and trust his leadership and his heart for me. Not to mention that He says it's time to really let my guard down and allow him to enjoy me and me to enjoy him with no barriers between us...

Can I just say O.M.G.?!?!?!?!?!


Because there is one huge part of me that is REALLY excited about a little more freedom and a lot more happiness. But there is a huge part of me that so doesn't want things to change at the cost of what has become my familiar place. Because while it hasn't been fun and games, while it has not been (in any natural sense) a pleasure, it has most certainly been a blessing and a joy and a privilege. One that I know I will never have again, in the same way, or to the same extent. I just want to languish a little longer in the uniquness and the beauty of the place of transformation. Just a little bit.

But then, as I realize what it would mean to languish, I want to move forward into a new season of relationship and a different sort of intimacy.

I want to move forward; it's time. But I don't want to move on. Because this is where life is for me. Life is Christ. Life is the Father. Life is the very fact that in losing it all, I've found it in a much more profound way. This place, this season. It's where I've learened to fear God and to respect Him. It's where I've learned to value the beauty of every part of life and to respect the profoundness of the journey.  It's where I've learned what freedom truly is.

My prayer for myself is that I would continually move forward, but that I would never move on. My place is with God, in His courts, at the feet of His throne, drinking in His counsel, seeking after Him with my all, striving to love Him with my life. And those very truths require that I move forward - because He says it's time...

I sure hope that I prove to be as trustworthy with much as I have learned to be with little.

Thank you God for such an exquisite love. Please teach me, even in this new season, new truth. Please give me new insight and an always fresh relationship with You. Please allow me the grace to be trustworthy with the blessings, just as You have allowed me to be trustworthy in the brokenness. I need You forever and for always, above all else that I call good or right or desireable in my life. May I never lose sight of that fact and may this life, in all it's glorious unorthodoxy, continue to bring You and I intimately, infinitely closer and closer over the seasons and the years.

I love You, Lord. You are my everything.

In Jesus' Name. Amen.

The Weekend and It's End Result

We spoke.

We fought.

We did see eachother.

A conversation happened.

And whatever happens next is a direct result of whether or not he believes fat meat is greasy.

I cannot tell you how checked out I am. I know he thinks we made some peace. But we didn't. We called a VERY tentative truce. And I do mean tentative.

Can't even really pinpoint what brought this wall back out and up, but it's there in full force. And I see no way and no need of letting it down. Don't wanna punish him. But do need to beathe for a minute. And engaging with him at this point is not on my agenda. Not even a little bit...

I really feel like he made a choice and he needs to feel some of the impact of that choice. Up until now God has required that I try to be fully present. But at this point, that would require nothing short of an act of God. So. If that's what God wants from me... well... He's gotta make it happen.

Cuz as of Friday night, I checked out. And even in the light of Saturday and a conversation and yesterday and some pleasantries, I've no intention of checking back in. Not any time soon. And not until he makes some choices. You wanna raise your kids. Cool. You wanna treat them better than your daddy treated you. Cool. Can't argue w/that one. Won't even try.

But this thing where your conduct demeans who I am to you in God's estimation? Not so much. Settling. Not who I am. And not what I'mma do.

The very thing you hate is what you run to. The thing you love is what you damage.


I'm angry. Again. And still.

I need to get one-on-one with God. And in order for me to do that i have to go beyond my hurt and my disappointment with God because of the challenge of what He's asking of me. I can't do that if I keep getting kicked in my teeth.

So. I'm checked out.  Cuz right now it's just better all the way around.

Yep. The wall. It has been hit. And apparently I hit it hard. This set of feelings is delayed from the battering of Friday and Saturday.

Everytime we do this, this pain deepens and pulls something else outta me... I dont like who I have the potential to be. I dont like the thoughts or feelings that want to take up residence and set up shop. This is not who I am. not at all.

I am at the brink of a meltdown.

God... well... this is His show...Hope He's got something working...Cuz if not... well... Mr. Man is gonna find himself all by  himself to work out his foolishness and clean up his own mess.

yep. that's pretty much it...

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


I'm sitting today, trying to rest and relax. But I'm failing. I'm pretty restless. What I find myself wanting to do right now is just drown in Clay's love. I find myself feeling his love so completely in this moment that I'm not sure I know what to do with it. The depth... The honesty of it. It's beautiful. I'm not even real sure where all this is coming from. I just know that today is a day that I recognize his love for me in a way that I'm not sure I ever have before. I remember feeling this feeling as the Lord drew me closer to Him. I'd feel like He was pulling me under. Like there was a deep place He was taking me. And at alternating points, I'd be excited. Then I'd be nervous. And sometimes I'd even try and stifle it because it overwhelmed me, but I could never run from it for long.

That's how I'm feeling right now with Clay. Like his essence surrounds me. Like his love lives and goes with me. It's like he's grabbed my hand and told me to come on, and he's swimming ahead of me - going faster than I expected. And I'm so busy trynna see and enjoy it all and take it all in, so excited about where we're going - wanting it to speed up, wanting to hurryup and get there, but at the same time wanting to slow down and enjoy the view - i'm too excited to be afraid. Or to be cautious. I'm just going. He's leading me. I'm following him. And I'm loving it.

This feeling. This moment. This sense of overwhelming peace and rightness about our relationship and where we're going. I want to hold on to it forever. I hope that I never lose this comfort. I hope that I never lose the feeling of absolute trust that I have right now.

It seems that with every step we take, we get one step closer to the oneness that I long for. Seems that he's longing for it too. Seems that he's running ahead of me to make sure everything's ready. Seems we're on the same page and ready to take our right places... Makes me tremble with anticipation, desire, excitement, some nervousness, and a whole lotta joy. Makes me wanna cry out of sheer astonishment.

This is a place I've longed for - and now that we're here, I'm not sure how to articulate it.

And the Lord whispers to me: I promised to give you beauty from ashes.

And I am in awe....

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Full Circle

What am I thankful for today?

That life comes full circle. That God's word lives and is true. That He loves me, even in my imperfection and short-comings.

A year ago, I wasn't sure how anything was supposed to look. And now, I'm blown away daily by how amazing things are shaping up to be in my land.

I'm grateful for the life the Lord has given me to lead.

Go see Iris. You know the drill.


Sunday, December 5, 2010

Just a Little Self Evaluation


I have no idea why I can only process this by blogging, but that just seems to be the only way I can work thru my emotions... so... here we go.

Blogging last night was part of me giving in to God and getting beyond my own willfullness in this. It always helps me to see things in black and white. Somehow, putting words on paper takes me beyond my own barriers and gives me a clear glimpse into my own heart... And as much as I dont like it right now, because of the fact that my heart changes from day to day, I really DO need to understand why i feel how I feel...

As much as I would like to resist it, I need to process this...

I'm saying all this, because I have been avoiding this blog all day. I do not want to face anymore truth. Nor do I want to deal with any more conviction. Nor do I want to delve into anymore of why I am how, who, or what I am.

But I need to do this.... I need to....


I spent the evening working thru that 'yes' action....

Literally every yes brought to the surface someting in particular that I'm agreeing to accept, understand, see, believe, trust, let go, or forgive. And with each yes, every realization of what exactly it means, came an extreme discomfort in the pit of my belly.

For real. I just feel sick inside. Because I have no idea what I'm agreeing to deal with. And in truth, this surrender is so much more about honoring God than anything else. Because the truth is I just dont wanna do this. I dont wanna deal with the fall out or the aftermath. Not from my family or his or his babymama or any of that other foolishness that comes with this. I just dont wanna do it. I just don't want to...

I'll just keep it real. I knew what the feelin' was as soon as it creeped up. I knew more than a week ago that part of why I'm struggling so hard to get past the hurt, besides that fact that it just isn't gonna go away overnight, is that if I hold on to the pain, I can protect myself. Because that pain is a barrier between us. However thin, and however slight. It is some sort of shield. And it lets me get back to angry and hard....

But to let it go? That means that, by default, I'm trusting him and I'm letting him back in - deeper than ever, more intimately than ever. Because one thing we ARE gaining in this is true transparency with eachother. Really letting go means that there's nothing between us and no way to protect my own heart.

So. As much as it may sound like drama, trust me when I say it's not. Admitting that I want to walk away was a hard thing - because in my heart that meant admitting that I feel defeat in this. Admitting that it took a serious word from the Holy Spirit to bring me to obedience is a hard thing - because really. I should know by now that God is not interested in what I feel, but in what is right in His sight. And I should be willing to honor that. Period.

And admitting that my 'yes' really is yes is the hardest of all. Because that means that I honestly truly did give up my only source of protection in myself. (I know God is my Protector. I'm just sayin... ) More than any of what yes means on H's behalf, what it means on my behalf is staggering... It means that I have relinquished control in this situation. It means that I have left myself vulnerable and that I have to endure this place of feeling like I'm at the mercy of somebody else's decision making. It means that I have to actually go forward with this process of delving into my own heart and workin thru the parts of this that take me to the place where all this mess started in me. It means I have to see me for who I am right now and that I have to decide who I am going to be as God's works this out. It means recognizing who he isnt and believing fully in who he is. It means knowing that this one situation isn't one that I can allow to color his character in my sight for the rest of our lives. For crying out loud, it means accepting the face that I'm agreeing to a 'rest of our lives'. It means knowing that he is still the man that I finally had begun to believe I could trust with my heart and my life. It means believing in  his love for me.

And it means accepting my love for him.

And more than all that, it means I have to check back in. I have to let the rift be fully mended. I have to follow all the instructions that come as a result of the yes that was offered.

I have to let God take my past and make me a new person, just like I've asked to see in H. I have to be that woman that truly does mean: you can tell me anything. I have to be that partner that really sincerely invites him to rest in me, no matter what we face. I have to allow myself to be turned into that woman who walks in real authenticity... I have to go deeper. Gotta give more - a lot more.

I have to give me.

Because if we go through all this. If we make it past ALL THIS only to be the same, then that means it was for nothing. And that I shoulda just walked away. Because not to take the risks of the yes is, in effect, to walk away anyway.

hmmm... outta all my thinking today, this was the first time I've been able to put words to the feelings...

The sick feelin' in the pit of my belly... I'm betting it's not gonna go away anytime soon. Because it's pretty near panic on my part. In all seriousness. And the only thing that's gonna kill it, is watching God work in this to make it right between us...

I guess what I'm  saying here is that my yes truly is yes; and that I'm willing to face my own demons and become the me that we both need and want me to be -  instead of an emotional stepford or a human machine.

So. All the messiness, all the imperfection, all the too much and not enough.... let's get it. I've kept you hidden for far too long and I think it's time we experience some real life together.

It's high time we live in freedom instead of fear. Me and him both...

Alright God. Let's get it...

*hmmm... i guess all this would mean i need to start answering the phone again, wouldn't it?! ha! ... we'll see how that works out for him tomorrow.*   =)

Ok God. Please help me to be brave enough to walk this out. Because only You and me really understand exactly how afraid I am right now. This is a tall order. And one that is certainly beyond my own ability to accomplish. I'm willing. I really  am  willing. I want he fullnes of what You've reserved just for us. You've shown me so many things and told me so many things. You've made me so new inside and I really want to le that woman live. I want to let her breathe and thrive.  I want all that You've done in my spirit privately to be put on display in my life, in my home, in my friendships. I want her to live God. I really want her to live. And I really want H to know her. I genuinely do. I know that he didn't do this to hurt me. I know in my heart that he's told me the truth and that he can be trusted. I know ... I know all that You've told me is real and right and good. So please help me. Help me to not be afraid with him or with You. Help me to not hide and to not check out. Give me time to process and time to be with You, but dont allow me to use it as a way to not face us... Give him the courage to be obedient and us both the hearts to deal with the consequences of it all.

We love You Lord and we want to do what's right. Both of us. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Anthony Evans: The Bridge

His music is great. Truly ministry. Powerful, heartfelt, passionate. I have enjoyed every one of his cd's.

The Bridge is his latest release and I've gotta just say that it's phenomenal.

I have a new favorite song, from this cd. I'll share the lyrics when I'm ready, but if you have a chance I really encouage you to check out Anthony's music. You can't go wrong.

For real.

This Thing of Wrestling...

For a few weeks now I have been facilitating the Love Dare for a group of ladies formed by a friend on FB... It has been incredibly challenging for me, but it has also been incredibly revealing. My heart has broken many many times during this study so far and we are only on Day 13 of 40.

I've done this once before. And we were having a bit of a time then. But this time....words cant even begin to express what it's taking - or giving.

My prayer has been that God would prepare me for what comes next between us.... A couple of days ago I realized something: I am willing now to make it easy for him. I said I was before. My mind had been made up, but my heart was so not there yet. I realized on the way home from the store that I have no intention of forcing a conversation or apology that really isn't valuable anyway right now. My heart is soft. Soft enough to simply say 'I love you' and let that be where we start.

My pride is finally sleeping and my pain is finally subsiding. My anger is not rage anymore. And all three of these things are signs to me of God at work.

Where'd all this come from, right? Cuz it certainly isn't just the love dares.

Well, me and God have been doing some talking and last week He showed me some things that brought to the surface the things that really make me most uneasy right now. And then as I talked that one out, other stuff came to the surface, consequences of this obedience thing...

For real... part of me feels like it's just crazy to even bother. But the part of me that is me, well... I think in terms of down the road. I'm very consequence minded. So in this for me, the only natural thing to do is break the whole into parts and look at what each part is gonna require as we walk this out. And THAT just made me even more at odds with God...

I believe I've said that I'm conflicted with God, but if I haven't, I'm saying it now. I've been more than a little conflicted with God in all this. Not because I dont know who He is or how sovereign or Holy or ... God... I got all that... I just have had a hard time reconciling the things that He's allowed and the price He's allowed, when at ever verbal tirade, He will say to me that I'm right about the reality of things - as far as character and conduct and etc... How He loves me and He allows ..... yeah... these are the things that leave me at a loss.

Anyway, me and a friend were talking and the road i was heading down, she cautioned me that maybe I needed to not head down it so that I didn't completely mess myself up trying to deal with all this. And of course, because I consider her words valuable, I started talking to God about it, asking if maybe I need to not think so far beyond the moment - because if so, then that would've meant He needed to shut my brain down and take me away from the thoughts of how to navigate what could be difficult waters internally - totally different from the craziness that will be my people.

All that kept coming to mind was: Wrestle with the Angel.

And then it dawned on me. When Jacob wrestled with the angel, it says that the angeld had to touch his hip in order to overpower him because Jacob REFUSED to give in until he got the blessing he knew was his. Jacob knew what God had promised him. God told him. But he was still afraid he would lose his life as he moved forward to claim the promise. There came a place where it was just Jacob and the angel. And they wrestled til daybreak. Literally Jacob would not quit. The angel had to 'wrench his hip' to get him to let go - and even then Jacob said he wasn't letting go until he got his blessing. It was then that he was blessed. And it was then that his name was changed to Israel - because he came face to face with God and survived. Scirpture says that he 'struggled with God and man' and that he overcame.

For me this is so powerful. Because indeed I am face to face with God in a serious way right now. See, I know what God's promised me. He's told me. And I'm walking it out. I am on the road to get the promise. And I'm almost there. But I'm scared for real that I'm walking right into enemy territory and that I'mma lose my life. And it is at THIS place where my faith is being tested....

God has been saying to me 'wrestle with the angel' and I didn't get it. How does one struggle with God? Well... I'm here to tell ya, it's easy. It's not that Jacob doesn't know who God is. It's not even that Jacob doesn't believe that God will keep his word. He's banking on that and he's decided that if God said it, it must be so, based on earlier in the chapter. It's that alone, in private, just him and God, he gets down and dirty and admits to all that he's not so sure of or so cool with about what God's asking. The struggle with God isn't really a literal struggle in a physical sense. It is the epic battle that comes when faith requires you to see beyond the natural and to believe God in spite of what is obvious to your human eyes. And then to WALK like what your spirit sees is real and like what is looking you in your natural face is not at all what that thing is gon' be. Jacob was conflicted with God. And that, I understand. I am convinced that Jacob had to be all 'God I know Esau. He's mad. Bro holds grudges and u're tellin me to trust that cat with my life... Can a brotha get a SIGN?!'

Cuz I'm sayin, 'God I know my man. And bro is ..... but you're tellin me he's gon' get this right... FINALLY... Can a sista get a SIGN?!'

But, even with all that. What really hit me hard the other day is that Jacob did not quit... If you gon' wrestle with (and PREVAIL over) an angel, you had to be a) determined, b) strong, and c) BOLD.

That's when it all clicked! A lightbulb went off. It finally all made sense. WRESTLE WITH THE ANGEL.

So, since Monday or Tuesday I've been wrestling with the agel.

And a curious thing has happened.... my pain has surfaced... not the fury I felt before and not so much the deep deep wail that has been.. But this dull throbbing ache that just makes me whimper to God and pray as honestly as possible and as boldly as i dare. It's driving me to hold God to His word, as opposed to running and hiding. A deep melancholy hit me last night and lingered into this morning. I was sitting, trying to blog, but only able to talk to God. And I heard myself say something I haven't said since this started:

"God, no matter how much this hurts, no matter how deep this ache, I WILL NOT quit. God I won't quit."

This is what it is to wrestle with the angel. This is what it is to struggle with God. Asking those hard questions. 'Choppin it up' as Sweetheart would say... facing the hard truths and pressing past the 'i dont wannas' and the family of WhyNot to arrive at your new home in the land of Promise. Looking at God and at the enemy and telling them both that you're in it to win it - knowing in your own heart that at the end of the day, nothing less than victory and possession is acceptable.

THIS is what it is to wrestle with the angel... I get it now.

I want my life. I'm not letting go til you bless me. I want my name to be changed. I want everything that you've promised. I'll be brave enough to 'chop it up' with You about all this, but I need You to show me who You are. Show us all. Show us both. I know You're working. I just know it. But I know that I need to act like I know. So I'm gonna do my part. I won't turn away. I won't give up. I won't quit. I won't abandon him. I won't defy You. I will lead my heart instead of allowing it to lead me. But God, You've gotta keep Your word. The promises You've made... Honor them. And I'll do my best to honor You.

In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

1 Corinthians 13:4-6

4Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,

5does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,

6does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;

Ok.Let's stick with yesterday's definition of love: unrestricted loyalty and unwavering commitment to what best serves another.

vs. 4:
love is patient - let's define patient...  (1) bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint (2) manifesting forebearance under provocation or strain (3) not hasty or impetuous (4) steadfast,despite opposition, difficulty, or adversity.

oh boy...

love is kind - kind... of a sympathetic or helpful nature; of a forebearing nature - gentle; arising from or characterized by sympathy or forebearance.

and is not jealous - jealous... (1) intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness (2) hostile toward a rival or one believed to enjoy an advantage

love does not brag - brag... cockiness in speech; proud words

and is not arrogant - arrogant... exaggerating or disposed to exaggerate one's own wealth or importance, often by an overbearing manner

Ok so based on all this: that verse really reads like this:

Unrestricted loyalty and unwavering commitment to what best serves another bears pains or trials calmly and without complaint,and is steadfast even under provocation or strain, and in the face of difficulty, opposition,or adversity; it is gentle and is characterized by forebearance and a sympathetic nature and is not intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness, nor is it hostile toward a rival or one believed to have an advantage. Unrestricted loyalty and unwavering commitment to what best serves another is not cocky in speech or proud in its words, and does not exaggerate it's own wealth or importance, especially not in an overbearing way.

Good grief. This is just verse FOUR. There are still two more to go, man!

vs 5:
does not act unbecomingly - unbecomingly... not according with the standards appropriate to one's position or condition of life

it does not seek its own - self-seeking... the act or practice of selfishly advancing one's own ends

is not provoked - provoked ... (1) to arouse a feeling or action; to incite to anger (2) to stir up purposely

does not take into account a wrong suffered - two definitions here: wrong... (1) an injurious, unfair, or unjust act (2) something wrong, immoral or unethical; suffered...  (1) to submit to or be forced to endure; to feel keenly, labor under (2) to endure death, pain or distress (3) to sustain loss or damage

Which leads us to:

Unrestricted loyalty and unwavering commitment to what best serves another does not act in a way not in line with the standards dictated by its position or life condition; it does not act in a way or put into practice things that selfishly advance it's own ends, nor does it become aroused or incited to anger or purposely stirred up. Unrestricted loyalty and unwavering commitment to what best serves another also does not take into account injurious, unfair or unjust acts - even of an immoral or unethical nature - that it has been forced to submit to or to endure, even when keenly felt and labored under and even it sustains loss or damage as a result.

*Alright. only one more verse to go. Then I'm gonna have to sit and try and digest all of this information. Goodness gracious.*

vs. 6:
does not rejoice in unrighteousness... again, two definitions here: rejoice... to feel joy or great delight; unrighteousness... sin or wickedness

but rejoices with the truth - truth... (1)sincerity in action, character, and utterance (2) the body of real things, events, facts (3) a transcedent (incomprehensible) fundamental (ingrained) or spiritual reality

The end result of those few lines being this:

Unrestricted loyalty and unwavering commitment to what best serves another does not take joy or delight in sin or wickedness, but does take joy in all things, as part of what it knows to be be an incomprehensible, ingrained spiritual reality - a reality rooted in real things facts and events (even if unseen) that eventually manifests themselves in action, character and utterance (speech).

Goodness. There is so much just in these three verses. SO much.

What it's boiling down to, right now at this moment in my heart, is that in order to fully grasp, embrace and obey verses 4 & 5, you have have to understand the depth and accept the revelation of verse six. Love cannot do any of the things in the first two verses if it doesn't look beyond the natural to see the spiritual truth of any circumstance or situation that would cause the sort of love previously mentioned to be necessary.

Which then also puts into perspective verses one through three. Beause if you have all this knowledge and make all this sacrifice but you dont do it with a heart that understands and welcomes the spiritual impact of yoru acts, then you aren't really loving. And the lack of proper motive becomes obvious, because when it's time to go through the fire, you cant sustain the facade at the highest of heat. Because the only way to stand in that sort of heat and to come out better than when you went in, is to have God's perspective and to hold it close so that in the midst of the heat, you can act with that unrestricted loyalty and unwavering commitment to your obejects best interests.

You gotta understand the spiritual truths to understand the true requirements of love.

And then, when you understand that truth, you are  - as an act of faith and submission in your own heart to God (not to mention gratefulness and understanding of His gift to you) - expected to behave in a way that allows the truth you know to reveal itself in the natural.

Which, if you think about it, makes pefect sense. Because when you know you are cared for completely, it becomes impossible to NOT respond to what's being offered. Love is so selfless and so focused on the receipient that, when its all said and done, they don't have much option but to respond to what's being given to them.


So. Love is not an emotion. It is a choice. One that can only be made as a result of understanding the deeper truths at work in our lives to bring about natural evidence of an internal adjusment in our spirits. (The fact that love is not an emotion, i knew that... but i never really dug in to understand how its'a choice and WHY it has to be a choice we make and not something that we feel.)

I have read this passage of scripture so much. And I took for granted what it meant.

This is a whole lotta revelation. And a serious challenge.

I'm convicted. God told me I would be....


i'm outta here. Got some thinkin' and prayin' to do... wow...

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

I am a Colon

Too bad most of this is truthful.

You Are a Colon
You are very orderly and fact driven.
You aren't concerned much with theories or dreams... only what's true or untrue.

You are brilliant and incredibly learned. Anything you know is well researched.
You like to make lists and sort through things step by step. You aren't subject to whim or emotions.

Your friends see you as a constant source of knowledge and advice.
(But they are a little sick of you being right all of the time!)

You excel in: Leadership positions

You get along best with: The Semi-Colon
What Punctuation Mark Are You?