Bittersweet...

This past week has been the best week emotionally and spiritually that I've had in a VERY long time. Something happened at church last week... the Holy Spirit whispered to me 'breakthrough annointing'... and I believe that that's exactly what's happened in my heart over the last few days. There is a fresh connection between me and the Lord that I've longed for and there is an emotional honesty - but also a stability - that I have also longed to have in all that's happened.

That experience on Sunday is where this shifting and changing is coming from in other areas of my life... it's a beautiful thing. Really it is.

But it's also bittersweet.

Feels like I'm moving forward, but not moving on. And in some ways I'm alright with it. But in some ways it makes me nervous. Because in a way, moving forward means going back. Back to parts of myself that I had left behind and that I had pretty much accepted would always be gone. Back to habits and preferences and desires that I had also surrendered to God's time and His will - IF they were to be at all ever again. Back to a place in life with a little more latitude in my decision-making. It's not that I don't want the freedom. It's that I don't know that I trust myself with it.

Virtually every choice I've made for the last few years has been prayed over and committed to God. That now, I'm beginning to make decisions again without thinking them to death, that I'm becoming more spontaneous, it unnerves me. Because a) I have never been a spontaneous sort and b) doing my own thing is what helped me to get all off-track with God in the first place - and that's a place where I never want to find myself again.

It really genuinely feels like everything is going back to what it was at the point that I screwed it all up and that God is saying to me 'now that you know Me - really know Me - do it again, as the you that you are now and not as the girl that you were then.' I appreciate the vote of confidene and all; I just wish that I was as confident of me as God seems to be these days... Independence is something I didn't handle properly before; I want desperately to do so now.

As I typed that, I think that's really what the bittersweetness is coming from. God told me at the first of this year that my relationship with Him would begin to change, that I wouldn't hear Him as much or in the same way. He told me that He would reveal Himself to me differently, in part to teach me how others experience Him and in part to give me a break spiritually. He said to me that it's time to relax and to enjoy the fruits of my labor; to know that He's always with me and that He'll never leave me alone but that it's time to live a little more freely and to play and learn how to worship Him through the act of enjoying the blessing, rather than always in a pensive or painful or sacrificial way. And while all that is beautiful, honestly... I dont want my relationship with God to change. I like it the way it is. I like that He talks so much about so many things. I like that He gives me such plain direction and such intimate insight. I like that we have a relationship where I genuinely dont think anything is off-limits to take to Him or to ask Him to show me. He's become my all-in-all, my best friend. And I want it to stay that way.

Shifting gears, moving forward, I'm afraid that it won't.  I know that every kid has to eventually leave the nest so-to-speak... but... really.... can't I just stay home a little bit longer? :/

And, this is laughable, but it's honest - and since this blog is nothing, if not honest, I may as well put it out there... This change between me and God also means trusting Love to hear from God on my behalf in some ways. And uh... well... THIS has nothing to do with our current situation. I wasn't too keen on that BEFORE all this happened. I've never given over control of my life to any other person, save my father. And I really dont want to at this point. Not that he can't handle it. I'm sure God will fix it so that he can and so that he does it well. Just, well, I like that the only consulting I neede to do before was with God. I mean... He's had me to begin learning to do it, but like, that's been nice and gradual. But now, very literally, I'm being told to follow his lead, do as he says even when I know it's all wrong and trust God to make it right. Because, in God's words, he needs to be my best friend (this being from a human relationship perspective, obviously) and I need to learn to rest in and trust his leadership and his heart for me. Not to mention that He says it's time to really let my guard down and allow him to enjoy me and me to enjoy him with no barriers between us...

Can I just say O.M.G.?!?!?!?!?!

Bittersweet.

Because there is one huge part of me that is REALLY excited about a little more freedom and a lot more happiness. But there is a huge part of me that so doesn't want things to change at the cost of what has become my familiar place. Because while it hasn't been fun and games, while it has not been (in any natural sense) a pleasure, it has most certainly been a blessing and a joy and a privilege. One that I know I will never have again, in the same way, or to the same extent. I just want to languish a little longer in the uniquness and the beauty of the place of transformation. Just a little bit.

But then, as I realize what it would mean to languish, I want to move forward into a new season of relationship and a different sort of intimacy.

I want to move forward; it's time. But I don't want to move on. Because this is where life is for me. Life is Christ. Life is the Father. Life is the very fact that in losing it all, I've found it in a much more profound way. This place, this season. It's where I've learened to fear God and to respect Him. It's where I've learned to value the beauty of every part of life and to respect the profoundness of the journey.  It's where I've learned what freedom truly is.

My prayer for myself is that I would continually move forward, but that I would never move on. My place is with God, in His courts, at the feet of His throne, drinking in His counsel, seeking after Him with my all, striving to love Him with my life. And those very truths require that I move forward - because He says it's time...

I sure hope that I prove to be as trustworthy with much as I have learned to be with little.

Thank you God for such an exquisite love. Please teach me, even in this new season, new truth. Please give me new insight and an always fresh relationship with You. Please allow me the grace to be trustworthy with the blessings, just as You have allowed me to be trustworthy in the brokenness. I need You forever and for always, above all else that I call good or right or desireable in my life. May I never lose sight of that fact and may this life, in all it's glorious unorthodoxy, continue to bring You and I intimately, infinitely closer and closer over the seasons and the years.

I love You, Lord. You are my everything.

In Jesus' Name. Amen.