Thursday, August 11, 2011

I'm Really Just an Ordinary Girl...

You know, I have a friend who said to me that I'm an example of what God can do with an ordinary life if we'll just let Him. And then someone else has also spoken to what an example I am...

I am so appreciative of their hearts for me and of the fact that they see something in me reflective of God at work. Appreciative and humbled.

They're words made me think, though.

Because my girl who commented on the ordinary life thing... she's so on point.

I really AM just an ordinary girl who's life God has chosen to use for Himself, in what is fast becoming an extraordinary way.

There's nothing really special about me, except for the way God has graced me to love Him. Otherwise, I'm just the girl next door, ya know?

And really, I liked it there. I liked the anonymity. I liked the fact that I could fade into the background. I aspired to what I consider the greatest of lives: being a good wife and mom and being able to take care of parents and grandparents and enjoy grandkids and such, as life evolves.

This truly is the stuff my dreams were made of...

But this business of 'yes' to God. It's changed all that...

And even now, even this far into the game, I still dont always know how I feel about that...

I mean... I really just don't know.

This season of my life... i'm so weary of it all. I really am. But I cherish it so much. Because I've truly become... so much more than I thought I'd ever be....

God has shown me things and revealed things in me and for me that I would've never dreamed of ... matter of fact, a lot of it, I still can't wrap my head around.

My pastor has said lots of times that when God calls us, it is most always to something much bigger than ourselves. I never really knew how true that was til God gave me a vision the year before I stopped running from Him. He was planting seeds even then that have taken root deeper and deeper over the last few years.
It's so much bigger than me. And I am always a bit overwhelmed by the enormity of what He's got in store...

Even in my personal life, He just keeps re-iterating to me that all that He HAS allowed so far and IS allowing now, is to equip me for the work He's called me too... More and more I find people who are drawn to me for reasons I can't explain; but then God pretty quickly reveals why and I'm always floored and humbled by what He's doing...

I feel so ill-equipped. So under-qualified. So not-ready for  all this...

Just...really freaking overwhelmed an awful lot of  the time these days.

I ask God often why He'd pick me to live this life, why everything has become such a thing of this crazy unorthodoxy. He's given lots of answers, but the one that probably floors me the most is this one: "I knew you would obey."

... what exactly do u say to that?

I mean, i can't really take credit for that. Because had I known that obedience meant divorcing myself from the things I've held dearest to my heart for my future and my life, I can't say that I would have ever said 'yes' to God.  He just happened to be smarter than me (duh!) and allowed circumstances to leave me with really no other option than obedience.

This really wasnt my doing, at all, on any level. Not even in realizing that in positioning me for 'yes', God was answering prayers He put on my tongue when I was 20 years old...

I have a friend who has said that faith really is a gift of God, like all other spiritual gifts. And ya know, when she first said it, i didnt' really understand it, but as I sit here and consider what my life is and just how much a statement of faith it's become, I have to agree with her. Because I had no way of knowing that what I was praying went well beyond what I had in mind when I opened my  mouth to speak. And, to this day, I have no idea exactly how I have believed or accepted all that's happened and become my life the last few years. I mean really. The only explanation is that it's been a gift from God, this ability to believe Him in spite of what I see or how I feel or how little sense it makes to my finite mind.

God calls it unorthodoxy. I call it ... unexplicable...

And honestly, in this moment (and lots of other moments along the road), I also call it unwanted.

But in the same instant, in the same breathe, I also call it amazing and surprisingly alluring - maybe even a bit intoxicating and heady, because at the end of the day I really am still just that ordinary girl that God is gracing to live out an extraordinary relationship with Him...

There's not a thing uncommon about me, but for the fact that I need to see God's word in a practical way. I'm not a blind follower. I'm not a blind truster. I'm not a blind anything. Even in situations that I know will cause me pain or struggle, I want to know going in as much as I can so that I can face it head on and determine up front whether or not I'm gonna do it.

I dunno. I guess all this came up because both yesterday and today saw me up at a ridiculous hour, talking to God about this current  unorthodoxy He's aked me to live. And I'll admit. God said plenty that I absolutely cannot refute or ignore. But He also said plenty that I absolutely do not find appealing about the next steps in this process.

Due in large part to the fact that I'm not sure I can do what He's asking.

Forgiving? Alright. Moving forward with this? Not enthused, but... alright. Letting him lead me? Probably not. Opening my heart up absolutely? Not even a fan. Believing in him? uh.... well.... Trusting him? I'm not even goin there....

I know it sounds mean. I know it probably even sounds petty if you dont have a clue what I'm talkin about or why I'm finding it so unpalateable. But trust me when I say, I'm being a lot more gracious that I could've expected from myself, for sure. Because the consequences of this are far far far reaching. And even when the sting of this finally dies down, my reality - OUR reality - is forever different. Forever colored by a situation I never even wanted TO BEGIN WITH. One I asked him many many times to protect us FROM. And one he swore up and down was not EVEN AN ISSUE.... Well... it's an issue. And it's one I'll have to live out with him, apparently, EVERY DAY.

... my feelings are all over the map... and the only thing I could ask God, the only thing I could think of to say - because I'm fully aware that instead of being unbiblical, what being asked of me is COMPLETELY in line with His Word - the only thing I could think to say is: 'Lord, WHO DOES THIS?!'

and in the brokenness and tears of the last couple mornings, i find myself longing for the time in my life before I figured out that God is extremley real and relevant. I was unaware of lots of things and I would've felt no conviction then for doing what I so desperately want to do now. I would've had no qualms about doing what SEEMED right - because I was too unaware of God's unorthodoxy to have even begun to believe that He would WANT my life to look like it looks right now.

I just find myself longing for that time in my life where I was unassuming and unaware and just maybe not so conflicted inside...

Because no matter what, in moments like this one, seasons like this one, times where the other choice is the EASIER one by far, I can't help but realize one of the most humbling things in the world about myself:

In spite of God's extraordinary work in my life, at my core and in my heart, I am still just an ordinary girl who's greatest aspiration is to live a blissfully 'ordinary', relatively unencumbered, laid back, ORTHODOX life.

My only prayer for my life was that I'd be a good daughter, wife and mom. That I'd love God and that He'd be pleased.

I just really didn't know THIS is what it would take to be all that...

Lord, I really wanna tell You 'yes' this time... But I'm not there yet. I'm just not ready. I'm workin on it... but... gimme a minute on this one, will ya? Thankyou and Amen.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Him... Me... Us...

It seems like I post so seldom lately. And really it's not for lack of something on my mind. Just the desire to blog seems to ebb here lately more than flow.

I've been in this season of learning, and so much has been between me and Chu, about me and Chu and I just haven't wanted to give that yet. But I can say that my heart seems to have opened wide up with him lately, and his with me. And it seriously is the sweetest thing ever.

I have wanted so long to find refuge in him. It seemed like that would just never come. And I really struggled with that.

Honestly, there have been a lot of things that concern us that I've struggled with for a good while.

Don't get me wrong. I love him. Always have. And he's always loved me. But we had really made a mess of things and even though I know what the Lord has said, it has certainly not always looked good for the hometeam.

This year started off with me goin back and forth about whether or not I really wanted this - whether I could really deal with all that he brings to my life. If u were reading around this time last year, it is obvious by my last few posts that our relationship has been a huge source of contention between me and my people.

But God said so.

And quite frankly, I doubt I could've walked away if I had tried.

And so I didn't try. I figured that I had done crazy stuff in every other part of my life - that NOBODY thought was good or right (or even from God - but that's another post for another day), so why the heck not follow Him and be alone in this one too.

Outside my salvation and decision to serve the Lord with my life, that decision has been probably the single best decision of my life. More impactful than anything else I have ever done or will ever do.

Truly I've learned he's God's best for me.

God's grace is so real to me when I look at him. When I think about the way we began and where we are now, I am left speechless.

Our relationship is nothing short of a testimony to God's faithfulness and the impact our actions have on others.

Obedience has been better than sacrifice - and I'm sure it will continue to be.

This journey we're taking together is phenomenal and I can say that I am privileged to be his.

Just tought I'd share.

I'll be back - probably sooner, rather than later!

Friday, August 5, 2011

Chocolate & Milkshakes

XBOX Wife Ten Things Tuesday

  1. Sunshine - I love the way it feels on my face
  2. Patience - Because I'd be crazy without it
  3. Maturity - Who knew I had actually grown since the last go round?
  4. Chocolate *smiles* - my favorite treat
  5. Wisdom - Left to myself... yeah...
  6. Humility - Pride costs too much. I'm learning to appreciate the whole humble thing.
  7. Grace - let's not even go there.
  8. Mercy - Please see number seven. *raised eyebrow*
  9. Milkshakes *grins* - combine it with number 4 and you have a winner!
  10. Honey *yum*

How's that for a quick easy list today?

go see Jill!

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Archive MeMe

Michele over at Testimony & Truth has this meme up on her blog. I thought it would be fun to go back and find different posts, so I decided to join in. I won't tag anybody, but if you want to join in, please feel free! And leave a comment to let me know you've played along.

Link 1 must be about family. Link 2 must be about friends. Link 3 must be about yourself. Link 4 must be about something you love. Link 5 can be anything you choose.

So. Let's get to sharing.

Family: We all know that my family and I have a love/love-you-but-i-wanna-hurt-you kinda relationship. *smiles* Enjoy.

Friends: Jenn is my girlie. My main chick. She was the reason this post came to be. And my other friends too.

All About Me: LOL, that would be the whole derned blog, but this post should do nicely.

Love: He is the color of clay dirt. Thus, his name is Clay (not really, but for the purpose of the blog) Anyway. I digress.

Some Serious Thoughts I've Shared: Ihad forgotten about this post, but it gives a real glimpse into my heart. Enjoy!

Enjoy! It was pretty sweet to go back and re-visit myself.


Wednesday, August 3, 2011


Pride. It has been my companion since I was a little girl. And it has gotten me into plenty of trouble.

I never really realized until I started trying to love the Lord just how much pride kept me from genuine relationships. Or just how much I missed out on personally because I was too proud (too into my own 'somebody-ness') to just relax and take things for what they were.

Since I've begun my blogging journey, I've posted often about the humbling the Lord has begun in my life and my heart. And I've gotten better, but I still really have a long way to go.

One of the major testing grounds has been work, for me. As things beging to shift with my work situation, I find myself faced with a situation very similar to one I left 2 years ago. The stakes are higher now; I'm in a most excellent position with this company. I love my job. When I started here, I had two bosses - brothers and partners. I love them both. And then this new thing came along and we are headed very rapidly back to where I was two years ago.

And it makes me uneasy.

I was told several weeks ago that my past would try to re-enter and that I needed to remain steadfast and obedient. Little did I know it would come this way. Former boss: arrogant, condescending and very resentful of me. I could say blue and he'd say green. But if someone else said blue, it was all good. Things between he and I escalated to the point where he was working to fire me. Thankfully, my response was one where my ego didn't take over and when I left it was by my choice (and God's instruction) and not at my former employer's hand.

Fast-forward to today. And you have much the same situation, except the company is much smaller, but headed in a very 'corporate' direction and the boss with whom I have the conflict is one of my sisters. And ya'll it really is a hot mess.

I already do not want to be part of anything 'corporate'. It is not my style, nor my personality. I don't do well with too much drama and too much conflict. And I certainly don't want my days filled with contention because my confidence and ability is frowned on as 'uncooperative' - especially seeing as how it is my 'uncooperativeness' that will keep us all outta harms ways.

SO UNFAIR. I'm praying. Asking the Lord what to do, how to respond, if I really HAVE been uncooperative - because you guessed it. My pride has wanted to really act a fool. And I have had a really hard time keeping that baby sleep. My attitude has gone south, my face shows all my business and I'm just seriously not up for this foolishness.

And then comes Jesus. And His Daddy. They got some other things in mind. *raised eyebrow*

I end up being admonished regarding pride in my life. And feeling like I'm being asked to just be walked all over because I'm being told very clearly to KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT. SHE'S trippin, and I'M the one being corrected. THEHECK????

'But Lord, I'm not wrong. She's gonna mess it up and then I'mma be the one to get the blame for HER mistake.'

'Rosheeda be obedient. I will take care of her.'

'Lord, I'm real sick of all this. I thought I was finally getting a break. I don't want to fight anymore - for anything else. Isn't it time out for all that?'

'I Am taking you to the next level professionally.'

'I don't even WANT a next level. All I wanna do is get married, have some babies and be a wife and momma. Seriously, that whole professional ambition thing passed my by a looooong time ago.'

'Trust Me. My ways are not your ways. My time is not your time.'

Frustrated, mad and really not understanding why any of this is as messed up as it is. Yep. That's me.

Then it dawned on me: PRIDE. It needs to be broken. AGAIN. In a significant way. Ugh. Will I EVER be done with this lesson? Because really, I understand - at least in part - the whole 'next level' thing. Don't want to, but I do...

So. I guess that just like all those other times, I need to trust God's ways and let Him have this thing too.

I am learning that everything boils down to trust. If I trust God, pride really does not have to be an issue - because it is a defense mechanism for me. If I believe God is who He says, then it should be easy for me to be quiet and submit to this process too, right? Yeah, but for my humanity, maybe so. As it stands right now: not really.

It is such a struggle for me that even this post is hard to type. I feel very vulnerable when I cannot defend myself and right now I feel wide open to an attack that I can't counter.

And it is made harder because I look at her and I see me. I see the very obvious arrogance and haughtiness that was such a part of my presentation for so long. I see the true lack of confidence that really is the driving force behind the pride. The idea that she has something to prove and that she is not gonna let anyone take advantage of her or look down on her or hurt her. I see the lack of self-awareness and the fear of what she'll find out about herself if she lets her gaurd down. I see the refusal to concede because it means she loses face. She's put up all this fight and done all this carryin' on, only to be proven wrong -but she can't back down now. Because then she's showing weakness and that just won't do. The need and desire to be loved and accepted - but the fear that no matter what she does, she'll never receive what she longs for so much. There is so much in her face, in her eyes. Rebellion - but not because she feels like she's entitled. Because she feels like it's the only way to make her mark, to be seen as special.

And as I see all this, my heart breaks for her because I know this place. With the exception of having something to prove, she is me. And I know what was REALLY goin' on inside me when all that everybody else saw was a judgemental, self-righteous, uber-critical, overly anal, high-strung, critical, mean witch. Cuz I mighta come across that way, but my real deal was that I was afraid. I had never felt good enough and I didn't know that I could be imperfect and still be loved. So I assumed rejection was what I would ultimately experience and I had to make sure that, at all costs, there was never any reason to throw me away. It was totally lost on me that my imperfection is exactly what makes me special. The things about me that are 'quirky' are the things that make me, me.

The more I embrace that truth, the more pride falls away and the more it is replaced by compassion. And really, that's my hope for Chocolate Drop. That she would embrace her personal truth and discover her value for herself. That she would like herself and just be easy with who she is - even if she IS a little messed up. That's alright. Just makes the ride that much more interesting.

And so, I guess having said all this, I can now honestly surrender this one to the Lord and rest in Him. I can accept that this is not about me and that He will work this out in His way and His time for His own pleasure.

So Lord, I give. I'll do this thing til You say otherwise. I'll be easy and trust You. I'll be obedient and let You fight this out for me. And I will take Your position on Chocolate Drop and not glory in her failure, but rejoice in the refining and transforming that comes as a result of You doing Your thing.

I'm sorry and I give.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Great People

After the great rant of 08 (from a few days ago), I've gotten lots of love. Thanks you guys for praying for me. The comments and/or emails made me really feel special. Jill and Xandra, I really respect you guys for what I see your characters to be and I appreciate being cared for enough for you to pray for me - even though you don't know me from Adam (another of my Granny's sayin's) :0).

Yep. You people ROCK!

Blessings, ya'll.

Another Granny-ism

'Baby you can't both be in high-gear. Somebody's got to take the low gear.'


I would really do well to remember this.


Please soften my heart. You know your kid and my ability to bite my tongue. This is new territory for me - for us both - and I need some help. As You teach me to respect Chu properly, as You answer my prayers for him, please help me to hold on to the fact that your grace is sufficient for me - for us. I need You. Make me look like the wife You have created me to be for this man. Fix ME. Soften my heart to love Chu in the way that pleases you. Soften my heart to his leadership. Help me not to resist this learning season as he begins to understand what headship looks like for him as a man, and as a husband to me. We are both afraid of failing, both afraid of messing things up. Help us Lord to cling to You harder than ever. Soften my man's heart to Your Will and Your Ways. And soften my heart to my man's needs. I'll take the low gear. I'm sorry.

In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Thankful Thursday... My Promisekeeper

Hey! I haven't done this in a long time, but I thought I'd join in today.

God keeps His promises. I have shared little of my REAL personal story, but there is someone that I love deeply who has struggled with many many dark things. This weekend he said to me that someone who has known him for many years looked at him and told him that he knows there is a God. He asked the guy why and this man said to him 'Man, if you can turn your life around, anybody can. There HAS to be a God.'

This transformation in his life has been one of the 'impossible' things God promised me. That someone who has known him at his lowest place sees God working in him now - that is more than worth a post!

Luke 1: 37 "For nothing is impossible with God."

Check out SUM for more of this.

Love ya'll.