Thursday, August 11, 2011

I'm Really Just an Ordinary Girl...

You know, I have a friend who said to me that I'm an example of what God can do with an ordinary life if we'll just let Him. And then someone else has also spoken to what an example I am...

I am so appreciative of their hearts for me and of the fact that they see something in me reflective of God at work. Appreciative and humbled.

They're words made me think, though.

Because my girl who commented on the ordinary life thing... she's so on point.

I really AM just an ordinary girl who's life God has chosen to use for Himself, in what is fast becoming an extraordinary way.

There's nothing really special about me, except for the way God has graced me to love Him. Otherwise, I'm just the girl next door, ya know?

And really, I liked it there. I liked the anonymity. I liked the fact that I could fade into the background. I aspired to what I consider the greatest of lives: being a good wife and mom and being able to take care of parents and grandparents and enjoy grandkids and such, as life evolves.

This truly is the stuff my dreams were made of...

But this business of 'yes' to God. It's changed all that...

And even now, even this far into the game, I still dont always know how I feel about that...

I mean... I really just don't know.

This season of my life... i'm so weary of it all. I really am. But I cherish it so much. Because I've truly become... so much more than I thought I'd ever be....

God has shown me things and revealed things in me and for me that I would've never dreamed of ... matter of fact, a lot of it, I still can't wrap my head around.

My pastor has said lots of times that when God calls us, it is most always to something much bigger than ourselves. I never really knew how true that was til God gave me a vision the year before I stopped running from Him. He was planting seeds even then that have taken root deeper and deeper over the last few years.
It's so much bigger than me. And I am always a bit overwhelmed by the enormity of what He's got in store...

Even in my personal life, He just keeps re-iterating to me that all that He HAS allowed so far and IS allowing now, is to equip me for the work He's called me too... More and more I find people who are drawn to me for reasons I can't explain; but then God pretty quickly reveals why and I'm always floored and humbled by what He's doing...

I feel so ill-equipped. So under-qualified. So not-ready for  all this...

Just...really freaking overwhelmed an awful lot of  the time these days.

I ask God often why He'd pick me to live this life, why everything has become such a thing of this crazy unorthodoxy. He's given lots of answers, but the one that probably floors me the most is this one: "I knew you would obey."

... what exactly do u say to that?

I mean, i can't really take credit for that. Because had I known that obedience meant divorcing myself from the things I've held dearest to my heart for my future and my life, I can't say that I would have ever said 'yes' to God.  He just happened to be smarter than me (duh!) and allowed circumstances to leave me with really no other option than obedience.

This really wasnt my doing, at all, on any level. Not even in realizing that in positioning me for 'yes', God was answering prayers He put on my tongue when I was 20 years old...

I have a friend who has said that faith really is a gift of God, like all other spiritual gifts. And ya know, when she first said it, i didnt' really understand it, but as I sit here and consider what my life is and just how much a statement of faith it's become, I have to agree with her. Because I had no way of knowing that what I was praying went well beyond what I had in mind when I opened my  mouth to speak. And, to this day, I have no idea exactly how I have believed or accepted all that's happened and become my life the last few years. I mean really. The only explanation is that it's been a gift from God, this ability to believe Him in spite of what I see or how I feel or how little sense it makes to my finite mind.

God calls it unorthodoxy. I call it ... unexplicable...

And honestly, in this moment (and lots of other moments along the road), I also call it unwanted.

But in the same instant, in the same breathe, I also call it amazing and surprisingly alluring - maybe even a bit intoxicating and heady, because at the end of the day I really am still just that ordinary girl that God is gracing to live out an extraordinary relationship with Him...

There's not a thing uncommon about me, but for the fact that I need to see God's word in a practical way. I'm not a blind follower. I'm not a blind truster. I'm not a blind anything. Even in situations that I know will cause me pain or struggle, I want to know going in as much as I can so that I can face it head on and determine up front whether or not I'm gonna do it.

I dunno. I guess all this came up because both yesterday and today saw me up at a ridiculous hour, talking to God about this current  unorthodoxy He's aked me to live. And I'll admit. God said plenty that I absolutely cannot refute or ignore. But He also said plenty that I absolutely do not find appealing about the next steps in this process.

Due in large part to the fact that I'm not sure I can do what He's asking.

Forgiving? Alright. Moving forward with this? Not enthused, but... alright. Letting him lead me? Probably not. Opening my heart up absolutely? Not even a fan. Believing in him? uh.... well.... Trusting him? I'm not even goin there....

I know it sounds mean. I know it probably even sounds petty if you dont have a clue what I'm talkin about or why I'm finding it so unpalateable. But trust me when I say, I'm being a lot more gracious that I could've expected from myself, for sure. Because the consequences of this are far far far reaching. And even when the sting of this finally dies down, my reality - OUR reality - is forever different. Forever colored by a situation I never even wanted TO BEGIN WITH. One I asked him many many times to protect us FROM. And one he swore up and down was not EVEN AN ISSUE.... Well... it's an issue. And it's one I'll have to live out with him, apparently, EVERY DAY.

... my feelings are all over the map... and the only thing I could ask God, the only thing I could think of to say - because I'm fully aware that instead of being unbiblical, what being asked of me is COMPLETELY in line with His Word - the only thing I could think to say is: 'Lord, WHO DOES THIS?!'

and in the brokenness and tears of the last couple mornings, i find myself longing for the time in my life before I figured out that God is extremley real and relevant. I was unaware of lots of things and I would've felt no conviction then for doing what I so desperately want to do now. I would've had no qualms about doing what SEEMED right - because I was too unaware of God's unorthodoxy to have even begun to believe that He would WANT my life to look like it looks right now.

I just find myself longing for that time in my life where I was unassuming and unaware and just maybe not so conflicted inside...

Because no matter what, in moments like this one, seasons like this one, times where the other choice is the EASIER one by far, I can't help but realize one of the most humbling things in the world about myself:

In spite of God's extraordinary work in my life, at my core and in my heart, I am still just an ordinary girl who's greatest aspiration is to live a blissfully 'ordinary', relatively unencumbered, laid back, ORTHODOX life.

My only prayer for my life was that I'd be a good daughter, wife and mom. That I'd love God and that He'd be pleased.

I just really didn't know THIS is what it would take to be all that...

Lord, I really wanna tell You 'yes' this time... But I'm not there yet. I'm just not ready. I'm workin on it... but... gimme a minute on this one, will ya? Thankyou and Amen.

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