Thursday, January 10, 2013

My Heart for Prayer

I have always been a prayer. From the time I can remember. I talk to the Lord constantly, just like I talk to Jenn. It's the only way I know how.

I'm a vocal girl; I need to speak a thing to process it. And because I haven't been given to allowing a lot of people to know my heart, I've had to vocalize to someone. And that someone has been the Lord.

Even when I was doing my own thing, I talked to Him - and expected Him to respond.

As He's drawn me back to His love, prayer has been a huge part of my life. I came to learn how to pray by noticing how the Lord answered my prayers. I'd say Lord, use me in xyz way, and His answer was to do literally what I had requested. I began to make the connection between what we speak and what we receive in response. So I've learned to pray carefully.

I have also been praying for others, as He leads. And up until now, that really had been a pretty close circle.

I am passionate for prayer for two reasons:

One, I believe it builds a relationship between us and the Lord that we can never have any other way. We become friends with Him this way. We learn to know His voice this way. We learn to trust Him this way. We learn to discern His Will this way.Prayer is the catalyst for every other part of our spiritual life and health.

And two, it teaches us to love eachother. Because it requires a purity of heart, and a sacrifice. We can't pray unless we love one another enough to put aside our feelings and pray with a heart that wants God's best for us.

Intercession is a gift. And a responsibility.

I wanted to share with you my heart, so that you would know why I have opened up to pray for you.

Hope you 'see' my passion and feel my love.


It's a New Year

2009 is here.

Not sure how to put into words what it means to me, but I know that it means a lot for me.

I have absolutely no resolutions for this year. I have only one goal:

That I continue to grow into the woman God has called me to be.

Whatever that looks like, that's who I want to be. Nothing more or less.

All I really want this year is to get to know the Lord better. I want circumstances to draw me closer to Him instead of pulling me away. I want to be so close to Him that even when hard things happen, I run to Him. I want to be so close to Him that even if I'm angry at Him, I run to Him and tell Him all about it instead of running away from Him and rejecting His love for me. I want to cling to Him in darkness and I want to know His Voice and Character so clearly that when I ask why and He says 'I Am Sovereign', it will be enough to know that He knows and understands what I cannot fathom.

This is my goal for 2009, that God be my all, even in the midst of the storms that come.

Blessings you guys and I hope that you sense the promise and the joy the Lord has in store for you and your families this year.


Tuesday, January 8, 2013

A Blessing & A Burden

Appaently I have a habit of getting quiet later in the evening. My aunt brings it to my attention regularly that I've stopped talking.

And she pretty much always assumes it's because I miss H.

Now. I'm the first one to admit, there are times when I withdraw into my own head and the last couple months, there have been those times when my life hits me at once and it makes me sad or whatever. And I DO get pretty silent.

But lately, my silence is really because well, I just dont have much to say. It's been said. I've talked to the few people I trust, to varying degrees. I've talked a lot to God. I've finally talked to Sweetheart. And I'm pretty much outta words about it all.

I'm just waiting. And learning. And finally, finding some rest in all this. What God is doing in me is amazing. And convicting. And transforming.  And it's the same in H.

And what He is doing in us as a couple is sacred and private and I just dont want to give it away... So I don't.

I'm saying all that to say, I'm not all that sad anymore. I'm just quiet.

But my aunt takes it as hurting and lonely and all that.

And last night, i'm not real sure how we got there, but I think she asked me if I had spoken to H and  I told her no. And said honestly I'm ok w/that. He needs to be alone with God and I dont really want to talk, I dont want to see him and be forever living the ache of this process. I'm ok with letting him deal with himself in private.

And that led somehow to her giving her opinion and such. Unsolicited and unnecessarily, I might add. Now. I understand that she is mad on my behalf. I appreciate that she loves me so much that she just wants him to get his act together and fix this or walk away and let me go... But really. I've said all I'mma say about that one. No matter what anybody thinks, the commitment the Lord asked me to make was not changed because He chose to put it to the test. Leaving isn't an option.

Nor is finding a new man.

I believe one of my most recent posts made that abundantly clear.

I'm just not interested in that.

Now, the real irony is that she will broach this conversation quite often and my answer is always the same: if this doensn't work, I'll stay single.  And I mean exactly that.

My auntie however, takes great exception and gets almost mad.

So last night, she was all, there are good men out there. Dont let the failure of one make you bitter. Dont be cynical. Its better when it's right and he returns what you give. You'll feel differently with someone who does what he should. Dont give up on your life because of H. You're only saying that because you're hurt. You sound cynical. You can be happy w/someone else. He may not be what God has for you....

Now. Let me take this point by point. I know there are good men. In honesty, H has not been that. But God says he will be. That's where it begins and ends for me. His faillures have made me sad and angry.But not bitter. I am not cynical, but I AM self-aware and realistic about who I am and what I want my life to be. I'm sure it IS better when it's returned. But it's already 'right' because this is who God has chosen for me. I might feel something for someone who 'does what he should' but I wont feel what I feel for Sweetheart, because giving my heart to him was, is, and will continue to be an act of God. I haven't given up on my life. I'm not speaking out of hurt. THAT would've been when I was tellin God I wasn't gonna stay. I'm very clear and very 'at myself' right now. I dont sound cynical. I just dont sound like what you think I should. I can do lots of things with lots of people. But I'm not so interested in being 'happy'. I'm interested in life being all that it CAN be with another person, good bad and ugly. I want to be fulfilled. And lastly. His failure doesn't at all mean that God has changed His mind. It just means H has made it a bit more challenging for me to honor my commitment to him.

The conversation in itself really bothered me and so I really started trying to work thru it in my own heart and mind. I finally just took it to God. Because I know what I believe I feel and mean. But I also know that it's easy - especially for a suppresser - to hide true feelings behind the mask of practicality and self-knowledge.

But genuinely, that is not what I've done.

Here's the thing:

I believe that love in one of the most amazing things God has ever reserved for us. I believe with all my heart that it is an exquisite opportunity to know God in a truly uncommon way and to experience great authenticity if we do it His way. I believe  that its beautiful,even when its painful. I believe that God means it to be a refining tool in our lives. And I believe that He meant it to be a life-long commitment for more reasons than one.

The love two people have for eachother, if it is of God, does't begin or end because it's gets tough. As a matter of fact, that's when it shows what it's really made of. And the commitment to honor that love doesn't begin or end because some man in a robe says so. That commitment begins in your spirit first. Whatever public expression is all good, but the vow you make is made to God and your man WELL BEFORE you take somebody's name. And if it's not, it should be. It should be made in your heart and it should be driven by an understanding of God's love for you.

Now I realize that that's a pretty unorthodox position, but I believe that if we will all access God in the way we CAN, we can all know when God is saying 'this is My will for you.' And we choose then to make that commmitment, in the form of obedience to Christ.

With all that said, I committed a long time ago to buidling my life with Sweetheart. And no amount of immense failure or pain gives me the right to tell God no - not when my whole life is predicated on the fact that I am a bondservant to Him and my life is not my own. Which means, I dont get to choose any path other than HIS path. Which is exactly what I've done (chosen God's path, that is).

I have walked into this with my eyes wide open and I have chosen - choose daily -  to live out my love on God's terms. And because of the life God has called me personally to live, I have and am paying a great cost. Loving Sweetheart has stretched me beyond all comfort and all personal understanding of what makes any sort of natural sense. I wouldnt trade it and I wouldn't trade him. In my heart of hearts, I want more htan anything to do life with H and to build the family I've always wanted. As a person, and because what God has for me, I have needed to learn the full depth in a serious way of a love that simply doesn't waver - not even when by all rights, it can.  And I dont regret it. I dont reget the commitment or the breaking or the difficulties. I dont regret any of it. Not at all.

But that doesn't mean that I want to do it over again. Not at all. I love my man. I value so much the gift of experiencing love and relationship and God's heart in such a special way. And I will cherish it all my days. But for me, once it's over, it's over. Once the season of romantic relationshp ends, it's a done deal.  I know. I'm young. I might change my mind. I'll see it differently later. But the thing is: I know myself. I know who I am and how I've been created. And I'm not a woman that God has destined to do this more than once. That's why it took so long to find him the first time and that's why it's so important to get it right now.

I know in my heart that I would be fulfilled,whether or not, I were to live life with a man. God has work for me and that work is a passion of mine. I can pour myself into it and find an immense satisfaction. Wanting to be a mom. I am a mom. To a lot of kids. And that would be enough for me. Wanting a place where i can be fully myself and fear no rejection and no disregard? I have that. I have that in God. He satisfies me. Over this season of transforming, He has become my best friend and when I most need to pour myself out, I know that I can do that with Him. And it's enough. God has taught me to need Him more than I need anyone else, and I'm ok with that. I have a great group of friends who love life, who live for God, and who love me. My life will be full and rich, no matter.

And the puppies, they're just a nice extra. :-)

I know... Unless you feel the same way, regardless of your relationship situation, this sounds like me trying to convince someone. But if you feel this way you get it.

It's not about being cynical. It's about understanding what absolute love is. And it's about knowing who you are in Christ - how He has uniquely fashioned you. It's knowing your own unique truth and your own intimate wants/needs.

And for me, as beautiful as this is, and as much as I look forward to the season for us that is NOT painful, I only want to do this one. I only want to have to give myself over completely to another human one time in my life.I want it to be all that it's meant to be - all that God has reseverd for us to experience together. And when it's done, I want to experience all the rest of life without the responbility (however beautiful it is) of having to consider someone else.

I tend to forget sometimes, that most women look at a relationship/marriage/man as the ultimate experience. But not for me. I look at it as a tremendous blessing and a huge sacrifice all rolled up in one. I am not naturally given to that sort of intimacy. It just doesnt come easily for me. I have learned to enjoy it, I AM learning to give in to it. But this is truly a holy experience for me - not to be rushed and not to be replicated. But in all honesty, I couldn't do this again if I tried - not knowing what I know now. Becuase I know that love is beautiful. But I also know it's a burden. And it's one that, given an opportunity to choose again, I'd choose to be without.

I know that sounds bad and like i view me and Sweetheart as some sort of chore. But I dont. Far from it. What I feel for him is something I can't even begin to articulate. He is worth everything he requires. Because he's him and he's mine. And my heart is so deep into this thing, so far gone, that there' s just no turning back. Not now. The love we have is of God, and its very nature allows nothing different than that we give ourselves fully over to it - which is exactly what's happening as God moves self  out of the way for us both.

It's so unique, so exquisite, so one-of-a-kind, that I just don't believe it could ever be such a marvelous blend of bitter and sweet, easy and hard, mountaintops and valleys, ever again. And knowing that I'd always cherish this on so many levels in so many ways, there's just somethin' in me that feels it would be to mar something sacred to try and do it again...

And I know this isn't everybody's heart or truth. It just happens to be mine. Different strokes for different folks and all that. And I realize that many people would choose to do it again for the very same reasons I would not.

I appreciate that. And I respect it. I just wish they would give me the same.

LOL,cuz heaven only knows that I do not want to deal with my family trynna match me up to that 'right' man. *rolling my eyes, and gigglin at the very thought*  =0)

have a great day and be true to your own hearts!


Sunday, January 6, 2013

The Ever-Elusive 'Want To'... Some Perspective

God's grace is marvelous.

His Love is contagious.

His Heart goes to depths beyond my imagination or comprehension.

His Spirit... lives.

His Truth. ... It always prevails.

I love Him more now than I ever thought. I know Him better now than I would've imagined. And I hope I keep growing in love toward Him and in intimate, personal, life-altering knowledge of Him.

He is teaching me to love. To understand what it REALLY looks like, lived out. And in that teaching, He is displaying for me, making plain and tangilble to me, the way that He loves me. The way that He's ALWAYS loved me.

He loves me well. Well beyond what I deserve. Well beyond what I can begin to understand. And well beyond anything that I can articulate.

Want-to... It has not risen up in my spirit. And I'm sure that it won't for a while yet. But something better is showing up in a might big way: Compassion. And grace... and Love.

I'll take that.

Want-to is all about a feeling.

Compassion, grace and love are all about understanding (also known as wisdom).

Wisdom trumps feeling. Doesn't change feeling. But definitely overrules feeling.

I was asking for my feelings to be different... DUH. Feelings are fleshly and human. They change on a dime.

I shoulda been asking for insight to be given. It would probably have saved me a few days of tears and such...

Want-to will come as restoration continues.

Wisdom will do nicely until then.

I am discovering that, somehow, all this learning and revealing from the last few months has taken root in my heart and turned into a full-on determination to honor my commitment to God to love H without condition.

Yeah. I know. Blew me away too.

I am also discovering that walking in wisdom also brings peace. The kinda peace that leaves you KNOWING things will be fine when it's all said and done. THAT peace.

And that leads to remembering.... This morning on the way back home to get ready for church, talking to my mom just in general it came to mind that I prayed very specific things over my husband, even before I knew I really WANTED one. I was 20 or 21 when those bold, apparently dangerous, prayers flew from my lips. It dawned on me in the moment that I remembered, that God is establishing that character in H even as I type. In my mom's words: Nehemiah. The wall had to be completely turned to rubble before it could be rebuilt; the foundation had to be rebuilt because the one it was on wasn't good enough. Whatever God is doing, He wanted the foundation to be better in your life, for what He has planned. She didn't know it, but she spoke very directly to one of my 'why's' when she spoke that. As in, "Why Lord, did You do this?" 

Grace in droves. The more I give it, the more He gives it to me. He's preparing my mom's heart to accept this. They won't know all the details. But they'll have to know some. Our talk this moring was meant for us both - for me to understand and see His hand at work, and for her to be ready for the next curveball that comin' her way in the form of my life.

Wisdom. It comes by obedience. And that by Love.

Not by want-to.

Because one really has nothing to do with the other. Not when you consider that love is bound by it's own character to relentlessly pursue it's object, no matter the cost to itself.

Want-to isn't even on the team.

and I think finally, that i'm alright with that...

Not because I dont want it. But because I've learned that need turns into want, when we honor it...

So. I'll take that. I'll honor need for now - cuz I know God will turn it into 'want' later.


YAY!!!! for a change in perspective!

Now let's just hope I can hold on to it... ha!

Thursday, January 3, 2013

How Much He Loves Me

XBOX Wife Ten Things Tuesday

Ya'll missed me, didn't cha?

I missed ya'll too!!!

  1. I am crazy. I have my own special variety of crazy. And Chu loves me anyway.
  2. I make HIM crazy. In my own sweet endearing way. And Chu loves me anyway.
  3. I seem flakey sometimes. And distant. And Chu loves me anyway.
  4. I'm scared of how much I love him - and he knows it. And Chu loves me anyway - hard and deep.
  5. He's scared of how much he loves me; he admits it. But it doesn't stop Chu from loving me anyway - hard and deep.
  6. My family is not his biggest cheering squad. Doesn't stop him. Chu loves me anyway.
  7. His family is probably not MY biggest cheering squad (although the ones that really count are on my side). Yep. Chu loves me anyway.
  8. We have totally different backgrounds and in some ways we are polar opposites. It drives us both nuts. And Chu loves me all the same.
  9. I'm an L-Squared. He is not. And Chu loves me anyway. (if you get this, great. If not, I'll explain in some other post.
  10. He wonders sometimes the method to my madness. And yep. You guessedit. Chu loves me anyway.

See a theme here? I realized all this greatness last night and it soothes my heart. I need him. And it's nice knowing he needs me - and more than that, he loves me.

Later ya'll. Go see Jill to join in.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

WHAT is WRONG With Me Today????

I am not in the best of moods. Not at all.

And it's really bothersome for me. Because I want to be all happy and what-not, DANGIT!!!!

I would love to say the frustration is work related, and part of it really is.

But I'm betting that the other part is related to something someone said to me last night. And I'm not frustrated so much as I'm sad and ambivalent about that. I see how much they want the Lord's very best. And their spirit is really grieving, feeling like I'm just missing the mark on something significant. But really. If you know me at all spiritually - and personally - then you know with certainty that THIS mistake is the one mistake I'm not willing to make. Because THIS mistake would be the one thing that kept me from getting my life. And because I know the magnitude of this choice, I have prayed (and still pray) that there be no error in this choice. I don't go looking for ways to make my life hard. I don't go looking for ways to appear all extra holy, or to look like I'm so idealic (sp?) that I don't see the truth because I look for what's good at every turn.

Because really, I see the truth. TRUST ME, I see the truth. And it drives me to my knees real often. It puts me on my face before the Father on a regular. Because it is not an easy truth. And at every turn I find myself deeper and deeper into this situation. Which would mean that extraction would be devastating.

Sorry to break it to everyone, I'm not that self-sacrificing. I'm not THAT good a person. Cuz if there was anyway the Lord would let make a different choice, I'd make it. Please believe.

HOWEVER, I'm not trynna fight Jesus. Seriously. So I can't help 'em out with the grief they seem to be experiecing on my behalf. Which is where ambivalence comes into play. I WANT to put them at ease. I WANT to make this more understandable. I WANT this to be easier somehow to accept. But I can't give them that. They have to seek that for themselves and make the peace with it on their own.

And I'm learning how to really truly be ok with not being able to make their peace for them. I've discovered that it's ok that me and the Lord have an understanding and I can be cool with the fact that I'm aiight, in His eyes. And that nobody else is privvy to it but me. And they may never be - and that's alright too.

And I can accept they they are acting out of love. Because that's really what it's all about anyway. Flawed and imperfect, love is still what motivates them. And because they DO love me, all else is to be made clear in God's time, and not my own.

So. I guess I just need to perk up,huh?


Tuesday, January 1, 2013

What Does My Name Mean...

This was intersting...

Some I agree with. And some I don't. If it's highlighted, I agree. If not... well.. you know.

What Rosheeda Means

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.

You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.

You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life.

You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you.

At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself.

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.

You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.

You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out.

Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia.

Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.

You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.

At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row.

You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace.

People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality.

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.

You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.

You have the classic "Type A" personality.

Monday, December 10, 2012

I am Compelled to Share

I have this great journal that I have been using as part of my study time. There is a quote on every page, and some I read. Some I don't. But the one from yesterday, I was just compelled to read it.

And then to share it.

So. Here it is.

"When circumstances seem impossibe, when all signs of grace in you seem at their lowest ebb, when temptation is fiercest, when love and joy and hope seem well-nigh extinguished in your heart, then rest, without feeling and without emotion, in the Father's faithfulness. "

-D. Tryon

This was simply a powerful quote for me. I cannot tell you how often I've felt this way, and how I've had to do just what the author suggests.

Blessings, people.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

*'Sarah doubted the promise as well, but Isaac was still

'Sarah doubted the promise as well, but Isaac was still conceived just as the Angel revealed'

So... i'm at this wierd place. All this transition. All the beginnings of the eating... And it all seems too good to be true. Like it's coming too easily and out of nowhere... But then... there are one or two things that just seem so far-fetched still. Like for real.

And since the Holy Spirit so clearly spoke the above word to me, I guess I may as well admit (and accept) that I'm feelin like Sarah right now. I mean. Really. Think about that. God sends an angel who's all 'FYI, you're gonna have a kid. I know you're old and all , but seriously. You're gonna have a kid. And your OLD husband is gonna be the father. Nevermind that it is pysically, naturally impossible. God sent me to tell you that He's got this and you're gonna be a mama.'

That's ludicrous. Ab.So.Lute.Ly. Ludicrous.

But it happened.

And the stuff God's promised me: it's all ludicrous. ludicrous. But I'm supposed to believe it's gonna happen.

And I want to. I really do. Then I have moments of serious doubt, because really. All this is just not naturally a possibility. I look at the obstacles. I look at the reasons why not and I start thinking I dreamed all this up.

But. At 5 am today, God challenges me to believe Him. And so. I guess I need to stop laughin' and get to believin'.

Hmphf. Can't say God is being subtle w/me these days now can I?!

Isaac faith it is...

Wait. *sheesh* I think I prayed some craziness about having faith like Abraham (you know the part about the ram in the bush?!). Oh boy. I'm gonna learn. Really I am.

Bye People

More Tidbits

'It is in brokenness that I prove My Power, not in happiness. Happiness is an emotional state. Brokennes is a spiritual state. And it is the state that allows Me most effectively to work and reveal My glory in utter darkness.'

i need to ponder... and i want to remember...

Friday, December 7, 2012

Sweet Gesture

Maybe this openin up thing wont be so bad.

I just responded to an email from H and as a last-minute out of my box effort, told him that i love getting emails from him - makes me smile to see his name.

He emailed me back to say... nothin'... just did it to make me smile.

this lettin' him in thing. it just might work out fine.

he's pretty amazing.

now that I've made us all gag with the gooey-ness of this, i'm gone.

that is all. :o)

have a great weekend, people.


Thursday, December 6, 2012

Thankful Thursday - Authenticity

I posted on being vulnerable and not being sure I liked it too much on Saturday. Ms. Michele over at Testimony & Truth commented on that post. And one thing that really stuck with me was that being open enough to share and to take the risk of regretting such candor " the only way to true and authentic relationship."

I took that leap and I wasn't sure how I felt afterwards. Friday night and Saturday morning, I just didn't know what to think. I thought: 'oh boy. I've done it now. Who wants to deal w/that level of crazy?' But can I tell you that the change between us was immediate and evident? We are on a whole different plane now. Before, we were circling eachother, sometimes dancing together and most times, dancing just close enough to be sure we were on the same wavelength and just far enough away to feel the frustration of insecurity and spiritual distance. But then this weekend, because we reached for eachother, we've been given the blessing of dancing together fully and freely. It is just what we've craved, but been too afraid to reach for...

It is authentic. Honest and open and real. Ms. Michele's words ring true again and again. I'm thankful for the way the Lord works in us to give to us true relationship with eachother and Im thankful that He saw fit to soften my heart and break me in the area of withholding my truth from my love.

This is just one more desire of my heart that the Lord is seeing fit to give. How could I not thank Him for that?

Hit up Iris to get more of this goodness.


Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Not The Same Woman

The last few days, a stark realization has hit me: I am not the same woman as when this all started.

A tremendous freedom has come of this for me. I have been more my full self this last several months than at any other point in our whole relationship.

The difference is pretty astounding to me and I'm really not even sure where it's come from or why it's surfacing so clearly now. I mean, maybe it's the fact that this has forced me to really dig deep and face some things in me that I had yet to deal with. Or maybe it's that I just feel inside me that this place for us is do or die and that he needs to be able to make an informed decision as to what he wants and how that really looks - at least in regards to who I am and the way that I do business.

I've kept so much of my heart under lock and key, in large part because of insecurities that existed before him and that have been exacerbated BY him. And the things that have been so guarded have been things that are both good and bad - both things that make it easy to love me and things that make you want to pull your hair out .... even so far as the way that i USUALLY deal with conflict...

What I'm finding is that that spunky, fiesty, bold, sometimes brash chick has decided to show up again in full force. And I love it. Because she isn't obnoxious or rude or hateful or mean. She's just honest and genuine and candid and all or none. She's committed, she's dedicated, she's brave, she's sensitive, she loves hard and she, just by her general disposition, demands the same things of the people in her life.

My girls have always known this chick. My family, well... they're my fam. Who knows her better?! H? Well, he's met her on occassion. But it's been rare. Her appearances have been few...

There has been so much brokenness in me and so many shifting sands that I just haven't had the courage or the strength to take the risk - in the right way - of introducing H and my real self properly.

But now, the two are meeting face to face and it's interesting to watch the subtle changes in our relationship. The blow-out I wasn't sure we'd recover from? (We'll call it WWIII going forward)... That was his first real introduction. And it was baptism by fire. I remember sitting there thinking, 'he bought this one... he had to have seen it coming... ' but then it dawned on me that he didn't. He'd never really had reason to believe me when I said that if I was pushed hard enough and far enogh I'd come out swinging (not literally. ha!). Really. If I hadnt' been so angry at the time, that whole scene would probably have had me doubled over laughing - because his face registered shock and amazement time and time again at the things that left my mouth...

But then as we started recovering from WWIII, he was equally as astonished by the candid (and gentle), firm way I dealt with that moment between us. It wasnt another battle, but I wasn't willing to own his failure just for the sake of peace. I expected him to take responsibilty. I invited him to be loved and to rest in my heart, but i expected him to step up emotionally - if nothing else.

I remember laying next to him thinking 'does he think that fight was the end?' And I also remember thinking 'he has to know that it's gonna take more than that...' It was a wierd moment. Gratifying in a way because I knew that he finally had started to grasp that he cant take for granted that he's in control or that I'll always be meek and mild and quiet. If nothing else, this is teaching him that I am far less predictable than he's given me credit for.  And also overwhelming because it allowed ME to recognize that I have a lot more power than I'VE given myself credit for. And that fact is teaching me to own what I need and be honest in what I desire from him and for us...

So much was said that night... things that I would never have said before now. And they made all the difference in the world...

And in the conversations since then, there has been this marked difference. Even in the way we interact. Transparent. Candid. Sometimes a little more intimidating than others. But we're getting there...

I've loved that part of the process so far, but the last few days I've really been thinkin' on how different I am inside - and on how it is and will show up in our relationship. I wonder if he really knows that who he left is not really who he has the option of returing to.  I wonder if he realizes that in many ways that will be a great thing for him - for us - because this chick is a lot less inhibited and a lot more expressive. There's a huge benefit to the fact that I'm just not the same woman anymore.

But there's also the real concern that, well... i'm not the same woman. That woman who would let things go just to avoid the fight... she might surface sometimes, but it won't be nearly as frequent as it has been - and it won't be out of bitterness; it's simply that accountability and respect need to be alive and well between us. That person who would fight back because she refused to be mistreated... she's not gonna be there. I mean, the fight in me is alive and well. But the place it comes from  has nothing now to do with refusing to be mistreated and EVERYTHING to do with wanting authenticity and unity between us. I've been a peackeeper; but this chick he's got the option of returning to, she's a peaceMAKER.

There's lots more I could say... But it all boils down to the fact that in this process I've begun to really come into my own and I have no intention or desire of going back to what we had before. I want much much more for us.

And I hope he does too, because the fact that I am not the same woman means that he cannot be the same man...

"As you change, he will change."

Those words have proven true over the last few years; let's hope they prove true in a way that blows both our minds over the next few months - cuz if ever there was a time that those words needed to live, it would be now...

Saturday, December 1, 2012

I Need To Be Reminded

"True Love Lives...."

"You need to allow him past your pain."

"Disobedience is not an option. There is too much at stake spiritually for Me to allow you to disobey this time. You are not free to leave."

"You havent walked away naturally, but you've written things off in your heart."

"It's called being engaged...."

Monday, November 12, 2012

It Was a Set-Up

*warning... VERY ANGRY POST... don't say I didn't warn you*

All this giving up of my right to be obnoxiously hurt and offended by all this mess. It was a set-up.

All this giving up my will. It was a set-up.

Because now all i feel is a brokenness in the depths of my spirit that I am lost to process.

But there has to be something... some way to do this... cuz this CANNOT continue this way.

The depth of this hurt is more than I care to deal with for any prolonged period of time.

The sheer control it is taking not to just sit and cry and wail is ridiculous.

I'm tired of crying behind other people's foolishness. I'm tired of being the example. I'm tired of being the brave one, the one who does what's right, the one who sacrifices on behalf of the masses at this point in my life.

Had I known 'yes' would look like this, I woulda kept on doin my own thing.

Because really.

I am flatly PISSED OFF and UNINTERESTED in what anybody else needs right now. FORGET what he needs. HE did this. I did not.

He gets to break me inside and I get to stay and put up w/this foolishness? I'm not diggin' that. Not even a little bit.

THIS is the very reason that when this all started with me and him I wouldnt' let him get close. I give in and let him, and this is where we end up?


I dont have words for this. Not at all.

And what pisses me off the most is that I'm this angry and this hurt inside, KNOWING that we're gonna be fine. I wasn't lying when I said there is real freedom in this. Because there is. A ton of it. I know full well that at the end of the day things are going to be fine...

What I DON'T know is how alright with that fact, I really am.

Sounds dumb right? I should be happy, right? Becauase I love him he loves me and God will have done an amazing thing. I'm sure I should be happy about that.

But I'm not. Because this feels like he gets a frikkin'' REWARD for what his selfishness and foolishness has brought to the table. He gets to ..... AND keep me?! WHAT is that?!

He gets to be 'not brave', but when he needs me... when he finds the courage to talk to me, to be with me, I'm supposed to go with that? No resistance... No hesitation... no change in my disposition or demeanor.


When exactly did I become She-ra? When exactly did it become a reasonable expectation to ask me to exhibit this RIDICULOUS amount of grace toward him AND the intruders? When exactly did I become some emotional Hercules?!

You gotta be kiddin' me.

I am so OVER THIS. Let 'em have it.

If he thinks the other option is the better one, let 'em have it. Let him figure this stupidness out on his own. Let him fall flat on his blasted face when he figures out that what he's callin loyal is a buncha foolishness rooted in the same selfishness that has landed us in this very unfortunate moment in time.


And then when he figures it out, lemme be so far gone and over this that this whole scene is not even a second thought.

That's what the absolutely 'Rosheeda' side of me is saying... Because the me that he has never properly met -  THAT version of myself would not have dealt with most of what came before this. But she certainly... MOST CERTAINLY... would not accept this at all. Not on any level. And if she did, she would be punishin' the devil outa him. Cuz the ONLY interaction would be on her terms. And that good ole vanishing act? It would be his reality. He would look up one day and realize that he hasnt spoke to or seen or even had a whiff of my existence and when he came  lookin, he'd have no idea where to find me. Cuz i'd be out.

But then God came along and put this version of me to sleep. She's dead and gone. And that really pisses me off in moments like this one when people have gone one step too far in taking advantage of what they see as a sweet gentle patient spirit. Because really. Maybe if I was just a raving WITCH he wouldn't have had the nerve to pull this stunt.


God was right (like He's ever NOT right). This is not anger.This is flat-out rage. And it has GOT to go. Cuz if my mind & heart keep on trynna travel this road, that old girl is gonna rise up and act like herself. And it's gon' be bad. Real bad.


I really wish it was somebody else's turn to grow the &^%$ up and get over themselves.

Really I do.

I've Half a Mind....

... to call him and tell him to come get me so we can talk.

And then I've half a mind to tell him to tell her that he's done so that we can get on with life, that even though he doesn't think he's capable of more or deserving of more I do. And that my thoughts on the matter, my confidence in who he REALLY is - because this foolishness is so not that - is enough to carry us both until he finds it in himself to see himself thru God's eyes.

I just want to take him and hold his face between my hands and pour my heart for him into him until he believes that my thoughts of him are his own thoughts of him. I want to kiss his face, his eyes and share with him the tenderness that exists for him even outside my hurt.

I want to make it better for him. I want make him feel like he's Superman in my eyes. Because even though I'm strugglin' right now, I haven't forgotten what's beautiful about him.

I want to sit with his head in my lap, my hand stroking his hair. And I want to tell him all the ways I see God in him.

I want to build him up.

I want so desperately for him to look at himself in a mirror and not see his past or even his present. I want him to see the wonder of what God is doing and will do in him.

I want him to know my Jesus intimately.

He's saved.

But that's not enough.

I want him to be in love with my Jesus.

I want his life to speak of God's goodness and life-ttransforming power.

I want so much for him... so much...

My spirit just grieves right now. The ache is so deep for him to see Jesus for himself. Not just thru the traditions of a church full of corrupt and falliable man. But thru the eyes of the Father. I want God to be his Teacher, his Comforter, his Confidant, his Master.

I want God to be his Everything.

I want God's word to come alive. I want His Voice to drive the most intimate of details of my H's heart and plan.

I want H's whole life to be an act of worship.

So help me, in spite of everything else that I feel and all the emotion that pervades my OWN corrupt heart, the part of me that is ever aware of the magnitude of what God wants from and for my H wants desperately to see that work complete in him and would do anything to make sure it comes to pass.

The one thought that has been trying to rest on me all day is that he doesn't know his own worth. He doesn't see himself properly, so he cannot see anyone else in the same way. He doesnt have any idea why I'd choose to stay. And if he's honest w/himself, he's too afraid to ask. He's just waiting on me to tell him I cant do this. Just waiting on me to tell him to go ahead build that life and I'll lick my wounds and move on.

And that just makes my spirit want to hold him close and soothe his fear and his worry. Because the fact is, I'm here because of love. Im staying because of love....

I prayed long ago, my life for his. I asked God to accept my sacrfice and give him new life, real life, abundant life. I didn't know how it'd look. But here we are.

And what's rising up in me today is... my life for his... He needs life more than I need comfort. He needs Jesus far more than I need not to be ashamed. He needs freedom from bondage - of his own making and of that from generation foolishness - far more than I need to feel like he's sufficiently contrite towards me.

This is a stretch, to be sure. But this is not a game, it's not a joke. This is about his life. His children. Our children. They cannot be sacrificed at the altar of my entitlement and the idol of my own comfort.

The price is too high to walk away.

So I guess that means it's worth it to stay....

Lord, I dunno what You're doin in me.I dunno who's praying for me. But thank you for that,God. I need it. I needed today to see with a surrendered heart. I needed the grace of understanding on a deeper level. Thank you Lord. And I praise You for what has already been finished in heaven. Thank you God. Draw H close to you and whisper sweet love songs. Woo him into the desert so that together we can find the promised land. My life for his. Our life for You. Not our will be done, Lord, but Your will be done. No man can make straight what You have made crooked. So prove to them that YOU made it crooked and lead him back to the path that You made straight just for him. I love You Lord and I'm grateful. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Today is Tuesday - Here Are My Ten Things!!!

XBOX Wife Ten Things Tuesday

Jill, I'm on time this week (well, almost)!!! YAY!!!

Ok, now for my ten things. (lemme see if I can pull this off. I've had all day to get it right... Let's see what I got):

  1. I'm not who I was. I'm able to handle the same sorts of situations now in a way that I couldn't one year ago. And to my joy and amazement, I've discovered that much of it just doesn't matter anymore. So freeing.
  2. I have had a challenge to face this last few weeks - a huge sacrifice (huge to me but maybe not to anyone else) and I've done it. Today is day 23 without breaking my commitment. God has made His Grace real to me in this 'habit reformation' process. Gotta love it.
  3. My life is where it should be, however akward it seems sometimes. And that's plenty of cause to be grateful.
  4. Rain. I love it.
  5. Spring. I love it as much as I love rain.
  6. I/M. It is the best invention ever, next to cell phones.
  7. Today is Tuesday. That means tomorrow is Wednesday. And that would mean this week is 1/2 over.
  8. For a hide-away. Sometimes a person just needs to rest.
  9. The colors of new life. It reminds me that just like nature is entering into a new season of birth and growth, so am I - and it's a season I've longed for.
  10. That although it took me 20 minutes I could come up with 9 other things to be thankful for, in the midst of a stressful week.

Go to Jill's Spot and make this happen people!

Saturday, November 10, 2012

A Beautiful Journey

It seems to me that the changes I most want to see are the ones I'm afraid I will never see.

I spend so much time worrying, praying, and crying over 'em and then out of nowhere they manifest.

Like a ton of bricks they fall and they do it as quietly as if they had fallen in a forest made of cotton.

They sneak up on you and they are so smooth with it, you don't realize they've even come until the time to acknowledge them has past.

You know how they do - like that smooth suave debonair sexy man with the sultry voice and bedroom eyes. He slides in, seduces you with his all his suave - leaving you breathless - and then as quickly as he came, he's gone.

I'm learning that these are the building blocks of faith. These moments are the ones on which trust is established.

You know, He told me things would happen in leaps and bounds. I thought 'ok. it'll be another year or two then before I see any of this so let me not just get my hopes up and let me just ride it out and be easy w/this current place. Let a sista just relax and settle in for the ride.'

So I did.

Then out of nowhere, I start having all these deep moments - like the one mentioned above - and my mind is just blown.

LOL, I think I vaguely remember praying something like this: 'Lord let me just enjoy the journey. Let me not be so intent on getting to the end that I miss the beauty in the process. I want all the sweetness along the way. Please just let me enjoy the journey.'

And as my ton of bricks finally made an impact on my heart Wednesday, I had the distinct impression of the glint of laughter in a Father's eyes and deep joy that His daughter is so taken with how He's orchestrated this thing.

I told Jenn that I feel like Sarah when she laughed at the Messenger who told her she would convcieve a child with her husband - even though she was 50 Million and 1/2 years old (taken from another friend), and then actually wound up pregnant. Cuz He told me two years ago that it would all come together and that I would not be shamed in my choice to obey. I all but laughed in His face - but I obeyed. And come to find out, He told the truth. I am not being shamed. I'm being proven wise on this deal.

So, in that moment I rejoiced - and am still rejoicing now. Because I didn't earn this moment. He just gave it to me. I could never in all my years earn this sort of sweetness. That God loves me enough to just give them to me tells me that I'm loved.

Truly, Madly, Deeply Loved.

Thank you. I love you and I am so proud of the man you're becoming. God did a good thing giving you to me. I cherish you. I cherish this journey. You make God's grace and His love real to me. You're weathering this season like a pro and you will reap one-hundred fold from this sowing. Ride or Die, Love.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

My Mind Just Won't Be Quiet...

It is extremely early and I'm up... because I have to actually work today.

imagine that...

anyway. I'm certainly not sitting down at 6 a.m. to blog about the fact that I'm going to work.

My mind is just 'on'... and shutting it down doesn't seem to be happening. So I thought that maybe if I blog some of the thoughts in my brain might decide to take a break - at least for a little while.

So, I did make an attempt to hide out this weekend. And well... an attempt it was... And it ended with a new desire to go back under a rock and just not re-emerge - not anytime soon. But no worries. I was forced to show my face - which was probably a good thing in hindsight.

Honestly, it felt like Friday opened Pandora's box emotionally. I mean... to this point, the lid has come off for a while but then it goes back on when it gets to be too much. But this time. It came off and it STAYED off. And I'm not comfortable with that.

Because well, there are those who thrive on anger and hurt. The rush of all that emotion and the passion and surge of ... whatever it is.... that comes with it... As crazy as I think it is, there really are those who get off on this sort of thing. But... that's not me. And it's not that i'm not comfortable w/the feelings... not entirely. It's more that I simply dont LIKE them. I dont like what it produces in my heart or my spirit. I dont like the thoughts that come or the powerlessness that I feel knowing that I'm being attakced and not being sure that I'm strong enough to stand under the assault.

This weekend... It just took me there. And in the middle of all that showed up, i felt God saying 'move forward'. Days later, I'm still grasping that. I get it. I got it when He said it. I just don't really know how to prepare for it... I know that some things you just have to do; there is no preparing. And I guess maybe I should be ok with that. But I'm not sure I am.

I mean... Sunday night when I got home and settled down and allowed myself to take in what the Lord was saying to me, I was able to genuinely commit to moving forward. With H. (Because this weekend, it wasnt the moving forward that was problematic. It was the moving forward TOGETHER that I wasn't so into.) But I digress... Anyway...

Having surrendered myself to that instruction, now comes the tricky part... accepting the Word the Lord has been speaking. Accepting what I can see is really gonna be a challenge when it comes to my people. Being ok with the fact that I'm not gonna be spared the headache or the heartache of other people's tactless, thoughtless, judgemental, critcal whateverness. And really. For a buncha strangers. It's not a big deal. But for people who I'm stuck with for the rest of my life. It's a big deal. It matters to me. And somehow, I've gotta shut that down.

Because if there is any hope of us being in-tact at the end of this road, then I've gotta accept that they are, in fact, NOT going to be gracious to us. And that I will, in fact, need to steel myself to face the criticism and the crucifixtion that's comin.

Somehow that needs to happen...

It just has to.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Laughter... And The Lord

There is so much amazingness happening around me that everytime something new happens, all I know to do is sit back and laugh. It really really is breathtaking and mindblowing.

So... over the next couple of days, expect lots of giggly goofy hilarity from me.


HA!!!!! God is just so BEYOND GOOD! OH MY GOODNESS!!!
I'll be back, people. Not to worry. I want to contaminate all ya'll with my special brand of giddy.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012


... has been emotionally taxing.

One of the partners of my company passed away early this morning. And add to that an already frustrated me because of some other work-related things and I'm just WORN OUT.

Can ya pray for 3 things for me?

1) AN ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT - I'm sweet as punch, but once I'm frustrated or not sure I can trust you, you can pretty much kiss any hope of not knowing how I feel good-bye. I need to use some self-control and let the Lord handle this one; Cuz if not, I"ll pull THEIR hair out. (I need mine; I have to look good. *grins*)

2) The parnter who passed: his son. He is taking his father's place. He has worked all day today and taking on the position of partner in this company is going to be a major upheaval in his life. Pray that he has the strength and heart to do the necessary things and to realign his life in the way that God has for him.


3) FATHER!!!!! PLEASE pray that this thing with my work is resolved soon. I need this project to finish up already. Doggoneit. Then maybe the two of the partners who I am considering giving new hairstyles to will be a bit easier to handle - or at least BLOCK.

What??? A sista can't be all loveable all the time. Least I didn't pull one of my daddy's move and threaten to take em to the country and leave em in all that red dirt, never to be seen again. (What can I say; some things call for drastic measures, people!)

Seriously, please pray.

Thanks and I love ya'll.


Friday, November 2, 2012

The Mind of Christ Experiment - 30 Days... Let's See What God Does

Hey All -

I'm not sure who all reads my blog, but if you do, please check out this post at SUM.

Good stuff, people. Good stuff.

I'm doing it. Just get a journal. We start today. I will send the letter Lynn sent out to everyone who wanted to participate.

Email me if you want to be part (or go to SUM and e-mail Lynn).

Love ya'll and I can't wait to see what God does with this.


Thursday, November 1, 2012

It's Been A Minute

It's early Sunday morning. I'm up and I'm goin to church. And not only am I going, I am also singing in the choir today for the first time in a very long time....

This hasn't happened for months (me going to church) and it's been even longer since I sang at church.

Wonder what it'll feel like...

Have a great day!

On Purpose

The last few days I've been thinking of intentional living. What does it mean? How does it look? What does it entail? Is it even a possibility?

I've heard so many people say that life just happens. I watch so many people live life like it's just a series of unconnected disjointed events and like their only option is to forever react to the life that just seems to leap out at them. They are forever in clean-up mode - so busy picking up pieces at every turn that they never get around to stepping back, taking inventory and making deliberate choices to get to the sort of life that is lived not free of surprises, but full of purpose and the preparedness that comes from purposely choosing to live well.

No praying. No seeking God. No searching His word. No inviting Him in to search your heart or show you a new way. Just forever flitting from what sounds good, feels good, and looks good at the time - hoping all the while that in the end the fallout wont be too great.

But i get it. I totally get why this way of life would be more appealing on the surface. It's totally fleshly. No repsonsiblity rests with you and all the banal little cliches make it easy to discount your laziness and lack of discipline as 'just life'. Who doesn't want, at some point or another, to just throw caution to the wind and feel good for the moment? I totally get it.

I just dont think it makes much sense.

Intentional life, life full of purpose, life filled with thoughtful consideration of decisions in light of the bigger picture  - the effects long term of our choices and how other people will be impacted by the way we choose to live - it is HARD. Beyond hard. It requires a level of self-awareness, control and spiritual maturity that it takes a literal lifetime to develop.

It is not for the faint of heart.

But for the Believer, it is exactly what we are called to do and how we are calle to live. Every choice has reaching lasting lingering effects. Every thought we espouse, every word we speak, every action we take. It all impacts something or someone, and we will all be called to answer for choosing to live well or not.

Intentional life is the difference in making a good choice and making the BESTchoice. It is knowing what is alright and what is exquisite. It is knowing that even though you hae a right, that for which you have been given RESPONSIBILITY needs to prevail.

Everyone and everything has a set of rights; the clearest sign that we are seeking God and learning to live life with deliberate purpose is consistent conduct that says that we know that our rights must always take a back seat to what IS right.

Exercising our rights gives us license to act in our flesh. Walking in righteousness requires us to act in the manner becoming a co-heir with Christ.

A life that is not lived intentionally is a life that is not well-lived.

I hope that I model for those around me purposed, deliberate, calculated, thoughtfully considered life. Because I want them to live that way for me. That's where love shines and that's how I want to love, be loved.

That's how I want to be remembered. Not because I'm a nice girl. Not because I'm sweet or smart or charming or a good teacher or writer. But that I lived well and that I loved well. That my whole purpose was an intentional display of righteousness and that flaws and all, my life was a composite reflection of that desire and commitment.

Intentional living.

It is hard. But it is worth it... it is most definitely worth it....