I posted a long time ago about a friend from college.
When I ended that post, I prayed for him and asked that God's will would be done.
It took me some time, but I was able to push him to the edges of my consciousness.
And for a while it worked. Then his name began to creep up again. I've been seein' his face. And I googled him. Didn't find anything. Let it go.Moved on.
Here we are a couple months later and I figure, lemme just try one more time. I wanna know how he is. That he's ok. I dont want to call and risk hearing his voice because I know me, but I need to know that he's ok.
So I do. And I find out a little more information than I did the first time. And there is also some new information that wasn't there before.
And as I sit here and type, it makes sense to me now. One thing led to another and he found himself in a situation where he wasn't able to choose anymore. And based on the new information, he is most likely again drowning in the same bottomless pit.
So help me, I want to help him. I thought, let me just see if I can get in touch with his mom. Mother will tell me what's goin on. She will tell me what I can do, how I can help. I have her number now. And then I think maybe I shouldn't call. I'll just wirte a letter. Because I also have the address. I'll just drop a quick note and ask how things are and give her a way to reach me if she chooses. Leave it up to her. Yeah. That'll work. That's the answer.
The Holy Spirit stopped me right in the middle of that thought process. And the answer was not a 'no', but it was a 'count the cost'. Which in parent-speak means, I will leave this to you, but if you are wise you will reconsider this.
I have sat for the last twenty minutes talking this thing out with the Lord and the Lord gave me two things to make it clear to me:
* I don't stop loving. I never have. A relationship ending or a friendship being severed does not release me from the love that I carry. It never has. I do not let go. I forgive. I get over it. I move on. But I don't let go.
* We are connected spiritually. We always have been. And that bond is still there, allbeit not like it was.
These two things, more than anything else, are the two reasons I must not reach. Not yet. In the Father's words, I must not use that number until He says otherwise. IF he says otherwise. I need to remain in the shadows and simply intercede for my friend. Neither of us can afford for me to be naive or idealistic on this one. The ripple effect would be far too great in both our lives.
So I must not interfere...And I won't.
But my heart truly does hurt for him and his family. Who would think that eight years later, this is where we'd be? Our lives have taken such different paths. He's made his choices and I've made mine and the two no longer intersect.
I am truly even at a loss for words really; I want to make this make sense. I want to understand because I KNOW him and if I can put my finger on what happened I can help him fix it.
But really I don't. I don't know him anymore. Who he is now is not who I knew eight years ago. And I can't take the risk based on what I remember, or what it USED TO BE.
Dear Lord, this is HARD.
You know me. You know my heart. You know what I WANT to do, and what I probably WOULD do if things were just a little bit different. But the stakes are too high. Please draw him close to You. Please woo him back to You. Please flood his life with Your light. Remind him of the greatness You have placed in him. Open his heart; clear the cloud and the muddled mess in his mind and give him hope. Give it to his mom and his family. Give them hearts to continue to intercede. Give those who are not saved such a burden for his life that they come seeking help to know what to do - then be their help. Woo them to Your arms. Do not let this be in vain. Lord do not let his life be wasted. Do not let this price be all for nothing. He has lost YEARS Lord. His heart feels defeated, but He is a son of the Most High and defeat is not part of his heritage. Remind him of his truth. And allow him to reclaim that which was left behind. Remove his safety nets. Remove his cushions. Allow nothing that will keep him from confronting himself - and YOU- to buffer his fall. LET HIM FALL. WHATEVER IT TAKES OH LORD to bring him home. TRANSFORM HIM Father that he might know truly the life-changing power of his salvation. Sanctify him. Prove Satan a liar in his life. Make him right. Make him whole. Clean him up for Yourself. Remind him: there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus.
And KEEP ME AWAY FROM HIM. Continually prompt me to pray, but Father protect me. I know how deep my heart runs and I know all the reasons this man is special to me, but he is not mine to fix or to chane. He is not mine to save. You are God all alone and you do not need me to interfere in this. So that desire to call and check on his mom - which is really checking on him - remove it, in the name of Jesus.
I bind up every evil spirit and every agent of darkness in his life. I cast down every lofty ambition against him and I ask Oh God that you would take him back.
In Christ's precious and holy name, I pray. I thank you and I praise you.
Friday, November 11, 2011
I posted a long time ago about a friend from college.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
I almost missed my own birthday!!!! I turned one year old on the 18th of this month!!! Wooo-Hoo!!!
I have so not kept with the original purpose of this blog - and I'm so glad I didn't.
This is a great spot, and a great source of encouragement, fun and just general whatever-I-want-it-to-be-ness.
Can't wait until I turn two. Maybe by then I'll really be fancy and I'll throw some sorta classy soiree or something?
"I want to take you to new levels of trust in Me."
"You are an anomaly."
"The path you have taken for Me is unorthodox, but not un-wise."
"There is always purpose in pain."
"True obedience most always stretches your comfort and understanding."
"Sarah doubted the promise as well but Isaac was conceived just as the angel revealed."
I've been set-up.
God has been giving me this stuff over the last few weeks and I wondered what was up, but not until yesterday did I find out.
And yet He says 'Stay. Trust Me. Stay. This is a blessing in disguise.'
Then, THEN, He starts reminding me of prayers I've been praying for over a year due to a certain situation that has contributed to my current circumstance.
And all I can say is... ok God.
And all this because I spoke my mind. All this because I said what needed to be said. All this because I am determined to live a life that reflects the beauty of holiness.
Ecclesiastes 8, 9, & 10. Wisdom, joy, and God's sovereignty. All that.
I know that to most, this is incoherent rambling, but... to me it is a memory trail.
I am apparently God's yes-girl. And I guess that if i had to be anybody's yes-girl, I'm good with it being God.
I'm not gonna lie. I am walkin' this thing out. I said yes and I mean it. I'm going for complete obedience; I want my due season...
But I'm scared as hell that this is the worst decision of my life. On this one, there is no in-between. It is the best thing I could ever do. Or the worst mistake I could ever make.
And I'm trusting God that the former is the truth.
All this preparation. All this revelation. All this, my life is your's Lord. All this 'whatever it takes God.' ALL THIS.
I'm eating those words big time right now.
They were sweet on my tongue at the time, but they are bitter now.
Here's hoping that they produce ripe, plump, fragrant, sweet fruit. My life is riding on this...
I love you. And I'll be your yes-girl. Just please help me stay focused on you and to live in the freedom of wisdom and position. Help me NOT to make choices rooted in my pride or my pain. I have jokes and all, but Im hurting and I'm scared. HOWEVER, you are bigger than that. You asked for the promise. I'm handing it back. I've taken it to the mountain top and I've lain it on your alter. The knife is raised and I'll do what you say... but Lord. Please send me a ram in the bush. Please...
In Jesus' Name
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
The start of a new season. Spring and all the beauty that comes with it. Everything wakes up. It all comes to life. Grass turns green. Flowers start to bloom. Everything is rich and lush, and sweet smelling. And GORGEOUS to look at. It's beautiful. Breathtaking, even.
Everything comes to life. Darkness, cold, barrenness is all over. Life replaces desolation and emptiness. Fresh vibrant, rich colors replace the dreariness of trees w/no leaves. Branches that have born no fruit now begin to sprout and flower and to bear much fruit.
This season is about new life and a clean slate. A fresh start.
I'm simply overwhelmed at that. Simply overwhelmed.
This is the week of the Ressurection. The hardest days in history for Christ, and the most GLORIOUS days for Him, as well. And for us.
He paid for us, and now we can enjoy fresh life.
I love you guys and I really pray that you would take in all that this week means to us, as His People. And more than that, His Children. Enjoy the beauty of this time. Reflect on the sacrifices that were made for us, and then REJOICE in the hope that was given to us the moment the Messiah took his last breath.
And then, when you remember the instant that the stone was rolled away and it was discovered that He was not in that tomb, give thanks. And once you recall how He returned and walked among His people, went to His disciples. Then, THEN you should WORSHIP HIM like you never have before. Because when He returned, He proved the scriptures true. He made salvation and eternal life a tangible reality for us.
WORSHIP Him with a grateful heart and a hopeful spirit.
Easter isn't chocolate bunnies, baskets, or jellybeans. And it's not about new dresses in pretty colors, and snazzy suits that make you look twice. It is about the fact that our Savior is risen. And he lives. Really and truly. He lives.
Have a great Easter weekend, and honor Christ's sacrifice with your all.
I don't do this often, but I really need some prayer support today. I am praying specifically this prayer today for Clay. And from 12-1, central time I will be praying specifically for him. Just him.Only him. Because he is special that way. *giggles*
In all seriousness, if you feel led, please pray the below prayer with me. And direct as many people here as you care to, to join in (and leave me a comment so that I know, and can thank each of you).
I realize that this is pretty personal, but the Lord is leading me clearly to share this prayer and request w/as many people as are willing to join me today. So, that being said, thanks for your support. (The prayer is adapted directly from Scripture. Psalms 34, Romans 12:2, Ezekiel 21:5, Malachi 3:1-4, Habakukk 1:5, and Jeremiah 29:11-13)
Ipray that Clay will extol the LORD at all times; that his praise will always be on his lips.
I pray that Clay's soul will boast in the LORD; and that the afflicted hear and rejoice.
I pray that Clay would glorify the LORD with me; that we would exalt his name together.
I pray that Clay would seek the LORD, and that He would answer; that he would deliver Clay from all his fears.
That Clay would look to you and be made radiant; that his face is never covered with shame.
I pray that this poor man would call, and the LORD heard him;that he save Clay out of all his troubles.
I pray that the angel of the LORD encamps around Clay as he learns to fear him, and that he delivers Clay.
I pray that Clay would taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is Clay because he takes refuge in him.
I pray that Clay would fear the LORD - for those who fear him lack nothing.
I pray that Clay know that the lions may grow weak and hungry, but if he seeks the LORD he will lack no good thing.
I pray that Clay would listen; that he would be taught the fear of the LORD.
I pray that Clay would love life and desire to see many good days, that he would keep Clay's tongue from evil and his lips from speaking lies.
I pray that Clay would turn from evil and do good; that he would seek peace and pursue it.
LORD your eyes are on the righteous and your ears are attentive to their cry; I pray Clay be made righteous.
LORD your face is against those who do evil, to cut off the memory of them from the earth. I pray that you would not turn your face from Clay.
I pray that Clay would cry out, and that you LORD would hear him; I pray that you would deliver Clay from all his troubles.
LORD you are close to the brokenhearted and you save those who are crushed in spirit. Be close to Clay. Save Clay.
A righteous man may have many troubles, but LORD you deliver him from them all; Father, deliver Clay.
You protect all his bones, not one of them will be broken.
Evil will slay the wicked; the foes of the righteous will be condemned. Condemn his foes, Oh God. LORD you redeem your servants; no one will be condemned who takes refuge in You. Let Clay serve you. Be his refuge.
I pray that Clay not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but that he be transformed by the renewing of his mind. Then he will be able to test and approve what Your will is— your good, pleasing and perfect will.
Then all people will know that You the LORD have drawn your sword from its scabbard; it will not return again.
I pray that you will send your messenger, who will prepare the way before you. Then suddenly the Lord Clay is seeking will come to his temple; that the messenger of the covenant, whom Clay desires, will come.
But who can endure the day of your coming? Who can stand when you appear? For you are like a refiner's fire or a launderer's soap. You sit as a refiner and purifier of silver; purify Clay and refine him like gold and silver.
Then LORD, you will have a man who will bring offerings in righteousness, and the offerings of Clay and I together will be acceptable to you LORD, in days to come, in latter years.
Then we will look at the nations and watch— and be utterly amazed. For you are doing something in our days that we would not believe, even if we were told.
For you know the plans you have for Clay. You have declared it,LORD. Plans to prosper him and not to harm him, plans to give him hope and a future.
I pray that Clay will call upon you and come and pray to you, and that you will listen to him.
I pray Clay will seek you and find you when he seeks you with all his heart.
In Jesus' Name.Amen.
Monday, November 7, 2011
If you know me kinda well, you probably know that I'm a pray-er.
Most times I pray only as someone comes to my heart. But I know that prayer is a ministry that I need to cultivate, beginning now.
My heart is heavy for God's people. This is a new step for me. This level of bold is, well, BOLD. But I've gotta be obedient to the instruction.
If I can pray for you, let me know. I won't ask that you post in the comments unless you are comfortable, but please. Email me if you have a request. I will pray with you until you get an answer.
Noone will have access to what you give to me. I will do with it only as the Father leads. I won't speak it or share it w/anyone. No matter what.
Check the sidebar for the email address you can send your requests to. I will check it at least once per day and will pray for you and yours like I pray for my own - because you really are family to me.
I love you guys, and I'm humbled and really, truly honored to be called to pray with and for you.
You are also free to give the email addy in the sidebar to anyone you know who would want prayer.
Please know that this is only because the Lord has instructed me to do so. And that I don't seek to exalt myself. This is humbling for me and I don't take this lightly. I will honor your trust, and I will honor the Lord...
As I obey this instruction, please touch the hearts of those that You would have to share themselves with me this way. Please guard my tongue as I intercede on behalf of Your children. Not my words. Not my thoughts. Not my will. Only Your Will. Only as You command. I am humbled and I feel unworthy, but Father I am willing. Obedience is better than sacrifice.Take this obedient and use it to impact the nations. Take this one act of service and build Your ministry in Your Daughter's heart and the hearts of Your People. Establish the work of my hands, Master. I am Your servant. A slave to Your will and for Your glory.
I seek to honor You alone.
In Christs' precious name, I pray. Amen.
Bad habits feel awfully good.
I was never really consciously aware of this. Good habits, while great for you, are not really all that fun and don't really seem to offer very much variety at all. I was considering my eating habits. Having cut back on a lot of my favorite things and being faced with a very limited range of choices at the time, it dawned on me that as much as I want to get healthy, I also really dont want to let go of that stuff that I like so much. Because it just tastes really good. And it's not that I dont like fruits and veggies and all. Because really I do. Fruit is one of my favorite things. It's just that healthy food is so... well... healthy.
There doesn't seem to be anything decadent or indulgent about it. Nothing that just makes you feel good. Not a thing that feeds your fleshly craving for richness - at least nothing that feeds mine.
Just keepin it real.
But I know that I have to cultivate some better habits and a more thoughtful approach to what goes in my mouth - beyond the normal not eating fastfood and not having sweets as much. I have to really truly consider my diet and eliminate (or seriously reduce) those things that don't contribute to a healthy me.
For heaven's sake, I have to do what's right.
And once I thought about this in the context of food, I thought about it as it relates to other bad habits as well. And I came to the same conclusion for them all. We just gotta do what's right.
I was so convicted. Convicted enough that I doubt I will be able to casually indulge in un-healthy food anymore. Which was really the point for me, I'm sure.
THEN, as I thought the lesson through I realized that this same mentality is what keeps many from coming to Christ and what keeps even more who HAVE come to Christ from ever really EXPERIENCING Him.
Because, let's just be honest here. The world doesn't taste all that bad. Live and let live, to each his own, if it feels good do it. That mentality is pretty appealing because it leaves us unaccountable for the choices we make. And who doesn't want to be free?
But here's the rub; the RIGHT way tastes pretty good too. You just have to dig deeper than the surface and go beyond the box.
If I'm honest, the way that I have been about this food thing is the way I was about my walk with Christ. I didn't wanna be THAT girl. You know her. Fanatical and crazy. Bible-thumpin' and ALWAYS talkin about Jesus. Because dude seriously, I'm wierd enough as it is. Not like I needed some help in that department.
But just like I've finally done with this food thing, spiritually I got sick of being out of the loop. I'd heard enough people go on and on about God and His faithfulness and all that. And I supposed they were right. But I got tired of not knowing for myself. I figured me and Him needed to really get to know one another. I needed to get deeper with Him and really put some elbow grease into that part of my life. Because grazing the surface and speaking in Christian just wasn't gettin it for me any more.
I didn't expect to enjoy it. I just decided it was right and I could endure it.
And like a ton of bricks, I realized that I wasn't just enduring it. I was flat out ENJOYING it. And all that other stuff that was so appealing before? Not so much now. Don't get me wrong. I still enjoy a lot of the things I enjoyed before I got serious about God, but I dont think I'm losing something if I have to give it up for a while to be with Him or to attend to His agenda instead of my own. It is actually for htat reason that I find it to be more pleasureable now than it was before.
And for the things that I gave up permanently. Well... I dont really even recall what they were like anymore, if that tells you anything at all.
The desire it gone and I dont feel in the least bit deprived. I just feel really... clean...
That's how my body feels when I treat it well.
The same way my spirit feels when I cultivate my relationship with God.
As I enter into this journey to cultivate a healthier lifestyle this year, I'm challenging you too. I'm challenging you to not see your relationship with God as something you do because it's right, but to see it instead as a source of Joy.
Dig deep. Go outside the box. And drink Him up. You won't be hungry, you won't be bored, and you won't be lacking in that indulgent feeling we tend to seek through so many other venues.
Give up just one thing that you know you should, but hate to let go of.
I'm doin' it too, so we'll be doin this togehter. I have made a commitment to my physical well being because I want my outside to match the inside.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
CAN I GET YOU TO GET SOME ACT-RIGHT (or ack-right, as I spelled in the title)????
What it means is so simple: it means to get it together.
This seems to be a really difficult concept for folk to grab hold of, but really it isn't so foreign.
I struggle with this because there really is a lot of truth in that not everyone is at the same place at the same time, on any level. But for real. When you can look at me (and anybody else) and tell me what somebody else OUGHTA be doin, and yet in the whole time I've known you manage to never do what you told somebody else they NEED to do, you and I have a problem with eachother.
When you decide that you are qualified to teach other folks how to get it together, and u're still trynna hold on to old stuff and make it look new (which by the way, is NOT working), I think you might wanna re-evaluate some things.
When you start calling wrong, right and right, wrong... yeah. Here again, maybe you should take some time to re-group and just START OVER.
When you won't say wrong is WRONG (clearly wrong, at that ) JUST TO KEEP SOME PEACE, and at the cost of OTHER PEOPLE... you might just wanna step away from the madness and feel better about some things.
These are all causes to ask for some act-right.
And now that I have been comical, in all seriousness, every one of the scenarios above implies a struggle internally. There is a deeper issue than just accepting/doing wrong for no good reason. These things are spiritual malignancies and must not be allowed to run unchecked. Just like cancer, these sorts of symptoms mask a disease that will eat you away from the inside out if you aren't careful. These are the things that we shouldn't ignore, but that should prompt us to act. For ourselves, and in some instances for others as well.
How? Easy. PRAY. And then OBEY the instruction. Now don't get me wrong. I've had at least one of these moments at some point -and I'm sure I will again before it's all done... But really, if you help me, I'll help you.
Can we ALL just get some act-right and do what we KNOW we need to do, to get to where the Father is calling us to be?
All ya'll on my list - I'm fightin' for you, and I 'mma need you to join in the battle. THANKS
PROJECT ACK-RIGHT BEGINS, PEOPLE.
Seriously, join in. We'll all be the better for it.
"Love is as strong as death...its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire." Song of Solomon 8:6
When we look at 1 Corinthians 13, the bottom line of it all is this: truly loving eachother means that we ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS do what's best for the beloved, deserved or not,e asy or not, comfortable or not. We dont do it based on what they do in return. Not at all. We do it because living out God's kind of love won't allow anything else.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Thursday, November 3, 2011
I am an August Baby. I am a Leo.
I've gotta tag twelve of you:
Jai, Jenn, Amanda,Larissa, Wynt, Shaneai (and I'm still workin' on the other six.)
1. Mention the person who tagged you and create a link back to them.
2. Copy-paste the traits for all the twelve months (see below).
3. Pick your month of birth.
4. Highlight the traits that apply to you.
5. Tag 12 people and let them know by visiting their blogs and leaving them a comment.
6. Let the person who tagged you know when yours is up!
The Twelve Months
JANUARY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking at people’s flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very stubborn and money cautious.
FEBRUARY: Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizes dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.
MARCH: Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.
APRIL: Active and dynamic. Decisive and hasty but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people’s problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.
MAY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.
JUNE: Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.
JULY: Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people’s feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.
AUGUST: Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride in oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.
SEPTEMBER: Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people’s mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.
OCTOBER: Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to take things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn’t pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.
NOVEMBER: Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions. Unpredictable.
DECEMBER: Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egotistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.
That has been me lately. Don't get me wrong. Not only did I know it was coming - I've known it for a long time. But now, now it's being made real to me and I'm not really feeling this. I am typically one to face things head-on.
Not this time. Not wanting to do that at all.
And because this is one of those times that only the Lord can get me through, that would also mean that I'm not dealing with HIM right now either.
*sigh* I know, I know. Not a good look. Not at all.
All this started right around a month ago. I thought I had gotten a reprieve on something -only to find out (in a more than clear way) that I have not.
Ok. I don't like it, but I can deal with it. Because you see, my way to deal with it is to simply ignore it until it actually MUST be faced and addressed. Easy enough. Pretend it doesn't really impact me - because feelings really don't count anyway - and just keep it moving. Face it when it comes, do what is required, and then suppress it all a little more. Because well, crying and hurting won't change a thing. Woman up and move the heck on.
Works for me.
... or not.
Because apparently on this one, the Lord is not allowing my She-RA-like tendencies to rule. He is, in fact, requiring that I accept that I am not immune to the depth of this thing and the impact it's gonna have.
And I'm angry at Him for it.
Oh I'm not mad just because it's gonna hurt like nothin' else. I'm mad because I WANT MY WAY.
I have realized today that I am angry because He is requiring the one thing I asked that He would NOT require. I am angry because even in the middle of this, I'm STILL held to higher standard than everybody around me. I'm HOT because even in all this - I'm still obligated to other people.
And really at this point - I DON'T WANT TO BE. Let them work all that out on their own. When do I get to be the needy one for a change? When do I get to be taken care of, instead of being repsonsible to be the caretaker? It's not fair, and I don't like it. AT.ALL.
I woke up this morning with the faintest remnants of this blanket of peace I apparently was given in my sleep - which means that something is underfoot. And then I got to work and tried to sit and get focused and talk to Him, only to realize fully that I couldn't get there. AND THEN a big ball of emotion hit me and it dawns on me that I have to face this head-on privately so that I can do what the Lord has instructed without falling apart. Yay. Yay for me.
But not to worry. Me and God have been chattin' it up. And I've already told Him what I'm tellin' ya'll. And do you know what He said: He said He's sovereign. Trust Him. Rest in Him. Hold on to Him. He won't leave me or forsake me.
And for the first time in a long time, I wasn't really interested in any of that. What I wanted Him to say to me is that what He's been preparing me for doesn't have to happen just yet. I want Him to tell me I've been so faithful that He's changed His mind and He will answer my prayer in MY way...
And that is not to be. He has made that abundantly clear. So I asked Him what He wants from me. And He says everything. Well. Let's see. I've already given that. What more is there to give? Exactly what else is left for You to take, because everything that has ever meant anything to me, thus far, You have required. And I have complied. I'm complying now, allbeit, not happily. I am complying. This is the last of what has meant anything at all to me...
And then I cried.
Because I know that even as I have pushed Him away, He has continued to pull me close. Scripture after scripture, passage after passage, confirmation after confirmation. He's making me ready. Giving me all that I need to endure. And all that I need to bear the responsibility that is mine to carry.
That doesn't make this easier. But it does make me know that He is Love. By it's very definition. He IS 1Corinthians13...
The part of me that wants to fight Him is the part that wants one last open door to the old - just in case I get sick of the new. Because even though I know it is time for the old to completely pass away, it's all I know. And it's where I'm comfortable.Where I feel safest. It's been that way all my life. But it won't be anymore. I know that the old isn't His best or His will. I know that I must keep going forward.
But it still hurts. To the core of my soul it hurts.
And then He holds me. He catches my tears. He wraps me in His arms. And He whispers to me:
'I will give you beauty for ashes.'
And slowly - ever so slowly - my heart truly accepts. I will not fight. Because this is not my decision to make. He IS sovereign. He knows best. He loves me. He and I, we've come too far together to turn back now. And if I leave Him now, then what happens to my life? What becomes of me? Who do I have? How do I endure?
I am not my own god. I am not in control of my own destiny. It is not my own will that must prevail, but His. He is infinite in His wisdom and His way. I must not challenge Him. I cannot rebel. Because in giving up everything that I have held dear, I have gained the only thing in this life that is truly valuable.
In losing my life, I have found my King...
Even as my heart breaks and my tears flow, I recognize His Holiness. He is the matchless, perfect God and He is all I need, even in the midst of a storm in which I fear I just might drown.
I cannot tell You that I'm happy or sure of this. But I can tell You that I love you more. I love you most. I can make no promises. I can only give you my heart that says I accept Your will. I recognize Your sovereignty. And I will obey You. You promise not to let my feet slip. You promise not to slumber. You promise not to leave or forsake me. You tell me that You will give me rest. That You will give me a peace that passes all understanding. So. I'll hold You to it. Daddy I need You. Draw me close to You and hold me next to Your heart. Let me hide myself in You. Let me burrow myself in the glorious, comforting folds of Your robe and just rest. Let me hear the beat of Your heart. Give me rest. Please. Give me peace. You say 'this is the only way.' You are Jehovah. My God. Elohim. God who is my Strength. El Shaddai. God Almighty. El Roi. God Who Sees. You are my God. In You do I live, move and find my being. Lord I love You. I need You. And I choose You. Not my will, but Your will be done.
In Jesus' Name. I'm sorry for resisting. I surrender and submit. Let it be as You have ordained.
I have so much to say. But. Well. I just haven't been able to put it on paper yet.
But today. Today I think I'll share.
Life is wierd.
I was at this really strange place at the first of the year. Wondering just how much longer I had it in me to go thru the motions of EVERYTHING (which is ovbious in at least one area by my last post). I just didn't know how much more of this eternal limbo I could do.
And apparently God agreed with me. Because things I've been waiting on for anywhere from one to several years are beginning to slowly but surely come together. Step by step. Little by little. Piece by piece. It is all starting to pan out.
And I want to be excited,but I'm afraid to get there. Because I have been before and things just fell apart. And then I was thrown off and doubt set in. So this time, I'm taking it slow. But really ya'll. I'm excited.
... ya know, the wierd part of it all is that as this thing comes together, I can get my life back in some sort of order (and if you know me, you know what I mean - JENN). I'm not one for upheavals and unexpected curveballs or a lotta change. And this last 3 years has been that for me.
It was three years to the date on April 1, 2009 that I quit my job and started this new thing. And life has never been harder. Or richer. Or more of a rollercoaster ride. Or more of a blessing.
I miss normal. I crave normal. I long for routine and schedule and consistency. LOL.
Then I started really pondering on that and I came to a startling realization: My life is changed, never to be the same again, and what I will call normal going forward is not the normal I left behind three years ago.
The season is different. The circumstance is different. The woman is different.
The world around me is filtered thru new eyes and the things that used to mean something don't any more.
But the things that mean something now, well... they're irreplaceable.
I have seen a lot these past three years - been thru a lot, too. And I am rich. Truly rich. Eternally rich.
Above and beyond what I could ask or think is exactly what this new season is to me.
I see it around me. I sense it. I feel it deep inside. God is at work, doing some amazing things.
I will never be the unsure, uncomfortable, outwardly together, inwardly dying 25 year old kid that I was when I started playin at grown.
Now, at 31, I am sure, comfortable in my own skin, and inwardly stable. I have matured into a woman. One that I truly like and believe in. One who is confident for real, not just smart enough to make people THINK she is.
If I get nothing else in this season of my life, I can honestly say that this has been worth the fight.
Here's the the wierdness of a new normal and the joy of a life covered by Christ and drowned in His Love.
Lord thank you for Your love. I appreciate You. I am grateful. I worship You. I rejoice in You. And I am standing in awe of what You do and who You are.
In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Remember the word you spoke to your servant. For you have given
This week we had Vacation Bible School, and this verse was the text for Monday night.
This is the prayer of the psalmist. And waht He's really telling the Lord is that he's trusting Him to make things work out like He told him He would, because the only reason he (the psalmist) is standing firm is that the Lord's revelation to him has given him what he needs to endure.
And for longer than I can recall at this point, this has been how I've felt.
And today, right now, I can tell you that the Lord has remembered the words He has spoken to His servant. He is proving my hope.
And thankful doesn't begin to describe where my heart is right now. Just astonished is what I am at this moment. Totally astonished.
Go see Iris. You already know.
Because there are two.
The original isn't feeling the sharing, but the new one is oblivious to the fact that it even matters.
Such a hard time trying to satisy them both. *sigh*
But I'm a soldier. I can handle it!
I'm learning a lot of stuff these days.
In a season of growth - which is what I have asked the Lord for.
It's wierd. I stayed in a stagnant state for a long time and now that I've really begun to enjoy a relationship with God, the thought of stagnation is unsettling to me. I'm so aware of when something is not right in me, when there is something I need to take to God so that we can get back to enjoying each other...
This past three years has seemed to go by in a blur, but it also seems like a lifetime's worth of stuff has happened - and most of it has been in me.
This year is starting off for me with a sense of anticipation and the understanding that much of what I've been prepared for is going to actually reveal itself in the natural over the next few months. I also have a sense of change for my family. We are welcoming a new generation. My generation has started building families and having babies. We've got two on the way right now and although they aren't the first babies for our generation, they seem to be the ones ushering in a new season.
So much newness and it seems that it's all a set-up for releasing the past and moving into the future. Exciting but a little uncertain.
That I have been prepared doesn't take away that butterfly feeling in the pit of my stomach; I watching mysteries unfold and I'm in awe of God's excellence in the way He orchestrates the details that create a complete picture...
How can you not serve a God who's standard for Himself is that everything He does, He does in the MOST excellent way possible?