Friday, November 11, 2011

Ties That Bind

I posted a long time ago about a friend from college.

When I ended that post, I prayed for him and asked that God's will would be done.

It took me some time, but I was able to push him to the edges of my consciousness.

And for a while it worked. Then his name began to creep up again. I've been seein' his face. And I googled him. Didn't find anything. Let it go.Moved on.

Here we are a couple months later and I figure, lemme just try one more time. I wanna know how he is. That he's ok. I dont want to call and risk hearing his voice because I know me, but I need to know that he's ok.

So I do. And I find out a little more information than I did the first time. And there is also some new information that wasn't there before.

And as I sit here and type, it makes sense to me now. One thing led to another and he found himself in a situation where he wasn't able to choose anymore. And based on the new information, he is most likely again drowning in the same bottomless pit.

So help me, I want to help him. I thought, let me just see if I can get in touch with his mom. Mother will tell me what's goin on. She will tell me what I can do, how I can help. I have her number now. And then I think maybe I shouldn't call. I'll just wirte a letter. Because I also have the address. I'll just drop a quick note and ask how things are and give her a way to reach me if she chooses. Leave it up to her. Yeah. That'll work. That's the answer.

The Holy Spirit stopped me right in the middle of that thought process. And the answer was not a 'no', but it was a 'count the cost'. Which in parent-speak means, I will leave this to you, but if you are wise you will reconsider this.

I have sat for the last twenty minutes talking this thing out with the Lord and the Lord gave me two things to make it clear to me:

* I don't stop loving. I never have. A relationship ending or a friendship being severed does not release me from the love that I carry. It never has. I do not let go. I forgive. I get over it. I move on. But I don't let go.

* We are connected spiritually. We always have been. And that bond is still there, allbeit not like it was.

These two things, more than anything else, are the two reasons I must not reach. Not yet. In the Father's words, I must not use that number until He says otherwise. IF he says otherwise. I need to remain in the shadows and simply intercede for my friend. Neither of us can afford for me to be naive or idealistic on this one. The ripple effect would be far too great in both our lives.

So I must not interfere...And I won't.

But my heart truly does hurt for him and his family. Who would think that eight years later, this is where we'd be? Our lives have taken such different paths. He's made his choices and I've made mine and the two no longer intersect.

I am truly even at a loss for words really; I want to make this make sense. I want to understand because I KNOW him and if I can put my finger on what happened I can help him fix it.

But really I don't. I don't know him anymore. Who he is now is not who I knew eight years ago. And I can't take the risk based on what I remember, or what it USED TO BE.

Dear Lord, this is HARD.

You know me. You know my heart. You know what I WANT to do, and what I probably WOULD do if things were just a little bit different. But the stakes are too high. Please draw him close to You. Please woo him back to You. Please flood his life with Your light. Remind him of the greatness You have placed in him. Open his heart; clear the cloud and the muddled mess in his mind and give him hope. Give it to his mom and his family. Give them hearts to continue to intercede. Give those who are not saved such a burden for his life that they come seeking help to know what to do - then be their help. Woo them to Your arms. Do not let this be in vain. Lord do not let his life be wasted. Do not let this price be all for nothing. He has lost YEARS Lord. His heart feels defeated, but He is a son of the Most High and defeat is not part of his heritage. Remind him of his truth. And allow him to reclaim that which was left behind. Remove his safety nets. Remove his cushions. Allow nothing that will keep him from confronting himself - and YOU- to buffer his fall. LET HIM FALL. WHATEVER IT TAKES OH LORD to bring him home. TRANSFORM HIM Father that he might know truly the life-changing power of his salvation. Sanctify him. Prove Satan a liar in his life. Make him right. Make him whole. Clean him up for Yourself. Remind him: there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus.

And KEEP ME AWAY FROM HIM. Continually prompt me to pray, but Father protect me. I know how deep my heart runs and I know all the reasons this man is special to me, but he is not mine to fix or to chane. He is not mine to save. You are God all alone and you do not need me to interfere in this. So that desire to call and check on his mom - which is really checking on him - remove it, in the name of Jesus.

I bind up every evil spirit and every agent of darkness in his life. I cast down every lofty ambition against him and I ask Oh God that you would take him back.

In Christ's precious and holy name, I pray. I thank you and I praise you.


Honest.... But Not Venomous...

You know... for the first time in my life, I'm learning to not intellectualize things. That seriously is probably one of my greatest strengths AND one of my greatest weaknesses. I say that because on the one hand, it allows me to be very cut and dry - and that is extremely useful when I need to accomplish the task at hand irrespective of how I FEEL about said task... BUT when I need to engage my heart to accomplish a task fully, then well... a sista can be pretty lost...

Again, this revelation came as I was preparing tomorrow's Love Dare post. One of my favorite ways to study scritpure is to define all the words in the verse. I like to break it down to it's most simple form; I want to be sure I get the FULL meaning. And w/the dares, I've done that for some posts - as a matter of fact, for all the posts containing instructions. But this post. I was SO gonna do that... but all I could think was, 'listen with your heart. share what God gives you.'  -- not that He doesnt give me the rest,but you know...

One thing He continues to admonish me about is engaging my heart, giving H full access, trusting him fully w/me again... And well... ummmm...

Yes Sir.

Because it wasn't a question or a request. It has been a continual instruction. For days now He has been saying to me 'Break old patterns with H'... I finally was still enough to hear the rest. What it comes down to is that I don't have to think so hard.  I can just relax and let it be what it is.


A curious thing has happened yet again in all this... I trust our friendship. And I'm learning to trust that God is doing the same thing with H right now that He's been doing with me. God's told me a lot of things privately that I wont give away; but suffice it to say... all that God has said to me has confirmed what I've known all along in my heart: this playing field needed to be leveled.

Relationships require balance.

And that only way that's gonna happen for us is if I break the habit of using my intellect and my ability to appear always in control and aloof as a way 1) to block what I feel and 2) to get to H. Because the one thing he hates the most in the world is to not be able to ruffle feathers. So. No matter how much I'm ruffled inside, I RARELY let him glimpse it outside. Me staying IN control is a sure way to rattle his cage. And blocking my feeelings... well... that's a lifelong coping mechanism.

Hmmm... so... I've been re-thinking our last conversation and wanting to feel like maybe I was tooooo raw. But seriously. I said what was on my mind and what was in my heart. And aint nothing wrong with that.

Don't get me wrong. Im pretty sure that I failed in there somewhere. But so be it. Because at this point, he needs truth and a good dose of the reality that is this situation he's created for us. And I need to know that I can give him ALL of me and he not punk out.

He has always had (taken) the liberty to speak his mind on most occasions. And I've held my tongue more often than not for the sake of doing the right thing. But... not so much anymore. I mean, that's not  to say that I'mma just talk to him crazy on a whim and for everything I can find to be irritated about. Not at all.

But it is to say that I'm giving myself some freedom here. I'm gonna honor the lines of respect. I'm gonna do my best to not cross the line. But I'm not gonna be so quick to shut my ownself down when there's something that's better honestly addressed, than fretted over and ultimately that gives me reason to distance myself. Because the fact is, speaking up means that the air is clear and nobody has to be on pins & needles - especially me.

and... honestly... it also takes away what HE feels to be his most effective weapon when we disagree: the threat of distance or silence. I mean because really. It is what it is. And you don't get to do the wrong thing and cause all sorts of other stuff and then play victim...

It felt absolutely amazing to speak up. Seriously it did. It felt WONDERFUL to call him on some things and WATCH his face register the shock that he wasn't able to turn the table or manipulate me into silence. Dont get me wrong. I do not relish his discomfort or his pain.

But I absolutely appreciate that there is some sort of awareness now that my heart is not to be toyed with.

What he does with that knowledge... well... it is what it is... but balance between us is more than valuable to me at this point.

And if it means that I'm less controlled emotionally, that I let my imperfection show more in our relationship, that I allow my internal 'messiness' (as in, not always put together, not always poised, and composed) to breathe a bit more freely - then so be it.  Because this old pattern needs to be broken.

He's not the only one who gets to demand that he be accepted for ALL of who he is. Fa real. The least he can do is return the favor and give me the same absolute love, commitment, and devotion, in spite of the things he might FEEL makes it difficult to be with me. Cuz really. I'm not that bad. Not at all.

I can expect some reciprocity. And I can expect the freedom to really be me.

And really, he needs to be ok with that..

So. Too raw or not. It doesn't matter. What matters to me right now at this moment in time is that he understands his choices: walk away in full, for real... or return and stay. in full and for real. But whichever he chooses, it needs to be done with the clear knowledge that I am who I am and I have no intention of hiding any parts of that any longer, just for the sake of his comfort or convenience.

Not even a little bit. Not anymore and not ever again.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

My Very Own Bloggy Birthday

Ok people!

I almost missed my own birthday!!!! I turned one year old on the 18th of this month!!! Wooo-Hoo!!!

I have so not kept with the original purpose of this blog - and I'm so glad I didn't.

This is a great spot, and a great source of encouragement, fun and just general whatever-I-want-it-to-be-ness.

Can't wait until I turn two. Maybe by then I'll really be fancy and I'll throw some sorta classy soiree or something?

Love ya'll.

Im Eating His Words Now

"This year is a year of relase for you both."

"I want to take you to new levels of trust in Me."

"You are an anomaly."

"The path you have taken for Me is unorthodox, but not un-wise."

"Trust Me."

"There is always purpose in pain."

"True obedience most always stretches your comfort and understanding."

"Sarah doubted the promise as well but Isaac was conceived just as the angel revealed."

I've been set-up.

God has been giving me this stuff over the last few weeks and I wondered what was up, but not until yesterday did I find out.

And yet He says 'Stay. Trust Me. Stay. This is a blessing in disguise.'

Then, THEN, He starts reminding me of prayers I've been praying for over a year due to a certain situation that has contributed to my current circumstance.

And all I can say is... ok God.

And all this because I spoke my mind. All this because I said what needed to be said. All this because I am determined to live a life that reflects the beauty of holiness.

Ecclesiastes 8, 9, & 10. Wisdom, joy, and God's sovereignty. All that.

I know that to most, this is incoherent rambling, but... to me it is a memory trail.

I am apparently God's yes-girl. And I guess that if i had to be anybody's yes-girl, I'm good with it being God.

I'm not gonna lie. I am walkin' this thing out. I said yes and I mean it. I'm going for complete obedience; I want my due season...

But I'm scared as hell that this is the worst decision of my life. On this one, there is no in-between. It is the best thing I could ever do. Or the worst mistake I could ever make.

And I'm trusting God that the former is the truth.

All this preparation. All this revelation. All this, my life is your's Lord. All this 'whatever it takes God.' ALL THIS.

I'm eating those words big time right now.

They were sweet on my tongue at the time, but they are bitter now.

Here's hoping that they produce ripe, plump, fragrant, sweet fruit. My life is riding on this...

I love you. And I'll be your yes-girl. Just please help me stay focused on you and to live in the freedom of wisdom and position. Help me NOT to make choices rooted in my pride or my pain. I have jokes and all, but Im hurting and I'm scared. HOWEVER, you are bigger than that. You asked for the promise. I'm handing it back. I've taken it to the mountain top and I've lain it on your alter. The knife is raised and I'll do what you say... but Lord. Please send me a ram in the bush. Please...

In Jesus' Name

I Feel Like An Experiment...

gone way wrong.

"God, why would You let this be like this, after all this?'

And while this question sounds redundant unless you have any idea what the 'all this' actually is, it is a real honest to goodness plea to help me understand. I want to see this God's way. And really. I'm workin on it.

Balloons 1-3... I'm workin on it.

I really am letting go... but somebody told me that I'd go thru this thing where I'd go back to God over and over, and apparently that has begun. The more I try to let go, the more the reality of what's inside is showing itself. And I supposed that on some level, that's healthy... But it's really gettin' on my nerves.

So. My question today was 'God why would You do this? You say I need this... Why exactly do I need this - on top of ALL the rest of it?! Why do I need this?'

"You need this for your ministry. You need to know what women in your same position feel. You need to understand the pain they feel - and you need to understand it from the perspective of such a deep hurt that all they can see, all they can hear is what's driven by their brokenness inside."

I mean... Really?!

An experiment gone bad.

Since when did I become poster child for something from nothing?!


I mean. I'm not a fan. Not at all. I know He's God. And I appreciate His sovereignty and His all-knowingness and things... But for real... All this so I can undastand somebody else's situation?!

THIS is a pain in the butt.

A serious pain in the butt.

And then I had the nerve to keep talking... 'God, why is this hostility surfacing again? I dont like the way it feels. I really don't know what to do with it anymore. Why wont it go away?'


"You need to understand. What you feel is beyond anger, but it is still far less intense that what you felt intially. You need to deal with it now so that it's easier as I restore you... Imagine what this is like for those who don't know Me, who don't hear My voice, who don't have Me as their guide. You need to understand."

I mean. Again. For real?!

As intensely as I feel most things, even though on the surface it looks like i just dont care, this is not a good look.  Because I felt violent earlier. And perilously close to crossing the line into flat out sheer rage... But then the hostility subsided and turned into just a persisent sadness and a knot in my throat... Then God tells me that I'm really disappointed in him, not so much angry at him.

Well. THAT makes this all better.

And forgive me, but uh. I am so not appreciative of my life being flipped inside out for some nameles faceless people that I have never even imagined as of this present moment in time and history. Nope. Not even a little bit.

But not for the reasons you think.

I don't ever want to look another woman in the face and see all the emotions play across her face that I feel inside right now. I don't ever want to witness that pain and then be compelled to tell a sister that she's called to STAY in a situation that hurts so deeply and that takes so much to recover from. Cuz really, other side being better notwithstanding, this is patently unfair. And freaking unreasonable. Bordering on ridiculous. I just dont want another woman to feel this way, not at the hands of a man she loves. Not at all.

And more than those namelss faceless people, I cant help but think of my own daughters. I dont want them to follow my footsteps. I DO NOT want them to hurt this way. I DO NOT want them to travel my road. And if my fam is any indication, it's not lookin good for the home team...


"You were raised to stay. Raised to stand. It's never too much or enough. You're strong enough. You can do this. He loves you.... he loves you... He's a good man... Baby that man loves you. And you love him. That's all you need. That's what'll get you through them times when you dont know how you gon' make it. Don't you think I been there? I decided early on that wasn't NOTHIN' would make me leave. Nothin'. So many things happened between us, some don't nobody know about but me and him and some EVERYBODY know about. But we stayed together. Neither of us was perfect. But we loved each other. When we didnt have nothing else, we had that. And you have that. That's all you need. That man is a good man. He loves you. This won't last always. You won't always feel like you feel right now. It'll stop hurting. Just keep goin'. Trust the Lord. You know the Lord. Trust Him... Baby love wan't never meant to be easy. But it was meant to last. HE LOVES YOU. He is a GOOD MAN and he loves you."

'Yes mam. I miss you. I need you to be here with me. I need you to walk me thru this. I miss you. How am I supposed to do this? How do I get past it? How's it gonna be ok?'

"You don't need me. You used to, but you dont now. You know the Lord. Better than you even realize. That's what'll get you through this. That's what will make it ok. Don't worry about your daddy. The Lord'll handle that. Your mama either. You just do what God is tellin' you. You're ready. You don't need me anymore. I knew long ago that you would be fine. I knew you would get to this place in your life. I prayed many years for your life and your husband. You can do this. You'll be fine. Ya'll will be fine. I love  you."

'Yes mam. I love you too. Yes mam.... ok... yes mam.'

The voice I needed. She squelched the hostility. She calmed my spirit when nothing else would.


"I know you're tired and I know you're weary. But don't give up. Trust Me. You need this. You cannot understand exquisite love unless you understand exquisite pain. H will be a better man. He is My best for you. Trust Me. Don't give up. Don't quit. It's almost over."

I'm really hoping the point is proven soon. Because... well.. yeah...

I'm sure there is a balloon #4 being revealed somewhere in all this processing... I'm positive of it.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

He Is Risen

It's Resurrection time, Ya'll.

The start of a new season. Spring and all the beauty that comes with it. Everything wakes up. It all comes to life. Grass turns green. Flowers start to bloom. Everything is rich and lush, and sweet smelling. And GORGEOUS to look at. It's beautiful. Breathtaking, even.

Everything comes to life. Darkness, cold, barrenness is all over. Life replaces desolation and emptiness. Fresh vibrant, rich colors replace the dreariness of trees w/no leaves. Branches that have born no fruit now begin to sprout and flower and to bear much fruit.

This season is about new life and a clean slate. A fresh start.

I'm simply overwhelmed at that. Simply overwhelmed.

This is the week of the Ressurection. The hardest days in history for Christ, and the most GLORIOUS days for Him, as well. And for us.

He paid for us, and now we can enjoy fresh life.


Just, WOW!!!

I love you guys and I really pray that you would take in all that this week means to us, as His People. And more than that, His Children. Enjoy the beauty of this time. Reflect on the sacrifices that were made for us, and then REJOICE in the hope that was given to us the moment the Messiah took his last breath.

And then, when you remember the instant that the stone was rolled away and it was discovered that He was not in that tomb, give thanks. And once you recall how He returned and walked among His people, went to His disciples. Then, THEN you should WORSHIP HIM like you never have before. Because when He returned, He proved the scriptures true. He made salvation and eternal life a tangible reality for us.

WORSHIP Him with a grateful heart and a hopeful spirit.

Easter isn't chocolate bunnies, baskets, or jellybeans. And it's not about new dresses in pretty colors, and snazzy suits that make you look twice. It is about the fact that our Savior is risen. And he lives. Really and truly. He lives.

Have a great Easter weekend, and honor Christ's sacrifice with your all.


Prayer for Clay... Pray With Me Today

*** UPDATED TO ADD: Even if this is days later, weeks later, whatever later - if you feel led to pray, then please feel free. This is to be a constant prayer for him until the Lord says otherwise. So, even if it is midnight 3 weeks later, please pray. Thanks, all you sweet people!***
Hey People.

I don't do this often, but I really need some prayer support today. I am praying specifically this prayer today for Clay. And from 12-1, central time I will be praying specifically for him. Just him.Only him. Because he is special that way. *giggles*

In all seriousness, if you feel led, please pray the below prayer with me. And direct as many people here as you care to, to join in (and leave me a comment so that I know, and can thank each of you).

I realize that this is pretty personal, but the Lord is leading me clearly to share this prayer and request w/as many people as are willing to join me today. So, that being said, thanks for your support. (The prayer is adapted directly from Scripture. Psalms 34, Romans 12:2, Ezekiel 21:5, Malachi 3:1-4, Habakukk 1:5, and Jeremiah 29:11-13)


Ipray that Clay will extol the LORD at all times; that his praise will always be on his lips.
I pray that Clay's soul will boast in the LORD; and that the afflicted hear and rejoice.
I pray that Clay would glorify the LORD with me; that we would exalt his name together.
I pray that Clay would seek the LORD, and that He would answer; that he would deliver Clay from all his fears.
That Clay would look to you and be made radiant; that his face is never covered with shame.
I pray that this poor man would call, and the LORD heard him;that he save Clay out of all his troubles.
I pray that the angel of the LORD encamps around Clay as he learns to fear him, and that he delivers Clay.
I pray that Clay would taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is Clay because he takes refuge in him.
I pray that Clay would fear the LORD - for those who fear him lack nothing.
I pray that Clay know that the lions may grow weak and hungry, but if he seeks the LORD he will lack no good thing.
I pray that Clay would listen; that he would be taught the fear of the LORD.
I pray that Clay would love life and desire to see many good days, that he would keep Clay's tongue from evil and his lips from speaking lies.
I pray that Clay would turn from evil and do good; that he would seek peace and pursue it.
LORD your eyes are on the righteous and your ears are attentive to their cry; I pray Clay be made righteous.
LORD your face is against those who do evil, to cut off the memory of them from the earth. I pray that you would not turn your face from Clay.
I pray that Clay would cry out, and that you LORD would hear him; I pray that you would deliver Clay from all his troubles.
LORD you are close to the brokenhearted and you save those who are crushed in spirit. Be close to Clay. Save Clay.
A righteous man may have many troubles, but LORD you deliver him from them all; Father, deliver Clay.
You protect all his bones, not one of them will be broken.
Evil will slay the wicked; the foes of the righteous will be condemned. Condemn his foes, Oh God. LORD you redeem your servants; no one will be condemned who takes refuge in You. Let Clay serve you. Be his refuge.
I pray that Clay not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but that he be transformed by the renewing of his mind. Then he will be able to test and approve what Your will is— your good, pleasing and perfect will.
Then all people will know that You the LORD have drawn your sword from its scabbard; it will not return again.
I pray that you will send your messenger, who will prepare the way before you. Then suddenly the Lord Clay is seeking will come to his temple; that the messenger of the covenant, whom Clay desires, will come.
But who can endure the day of your coming? Who can stand when you appear? For you are like a refiner's fire or a launderer's soap. You sit as a refiner and purifier of silver; purify Clay and refine him like gold and silver.
Then LORD, you will have a man who will bring offerings in righteousness, and the offerings of Clay and I together will be acceptable to you LORD, in days to come, in latter years.
Then we will look at the nations and watch— and be utterly amazed. For you are doing something in our days that we would not believe, even if we were told.
For you know the plans you have for Clay. You have declared it,LORD. Plans to prosper him and not to harm him, plans to give him hope and a future.
I pray that Clay will call upon you and come and pray to you, and that you will listen to him.
I pray Clay will seek you and find you when he seeks you with all his heart.
In Jesus' Name.Amen.



This word has been coming to mind for the last few minutes or so. I had to it up. And basically it means to purge or purify...

It wold seem that allowing the realities that this situation brings to bear to actually surface is forcing me to face two things that i typically supress: anger and pain.

And I'm discovering that facing them means allowing them to breathe. Not to fester and not to linger unnecessarily. But to allow them expression when they surface.

That's a pretty novel approach.

Obviously, my last post has to tell you that anger showed up big and mighty this weekend. And pain on it's heels. And I found that besides being sick of them, there was nothing I could do with them but well... feel it.

But there's some good news in this!

Apparently feeling it and giving it voice is all part of releasing it. And somehow it would seem that it's building my faith.

Shocked me too.

It dawned on me this evening as I was singing a song that I only sing when in my spirit I sense God bringing about some sort of breakthrough. I was singing and hadn't even realized it. And the most beautiful part of the singing is that it was genuine. From my heart. And rich. The words were coming up on their own and then other words were flowing right along w/them. My voice got to stretch tonight. And that hasn't happened in a genuine, spirit-deep way in a while. There was passion behind the words. There was something beyond just it sounding nice...

Somehow, this weekend has been cathartic.

Somehow my heart is opening back up.

This is the wierdest place. This crazy synchronicity of such conflicting emotions.

But the one that's really wining is love.

I mean... at the core of it all, at the end of this road... love is alive and well. And friendship. And honesty.

It would seem that H is growing in those things too. His usual m.o. is to run from my pain. I can give him credit and say that today he didn't break my heart again. He got a lot of my pain Friday night. Pain he didn't think I'd give and pain I was hoping I was past feeling.... It hurt him. And he doesn't know how to face it. It convicted him and it left him unsure what to do or say. But he didn't run from it. He didn't try to mitigate it or brush it away. He faced it. For the first time ever. He faced the fact that my hurt runs deep and that just maybe i'm outta strength and grace. And he took the risk of staying connected instead of backing away or walking away.

Even though i could popped him in his face Friday, I appreciate this. Tremendously.

I realized as I was layin there reading and singing, that something's changing inside me.

I cant explain it or describe it. I just know it's different. Better.

Does nothing for the fact that inside there's still a serious prick in my spirit when a thought is dropped or an image is given that reminds me how real all this is. But that I can take that thought and say,God this hurts.. And then move on to whatever really needs to take up my mental space... I'll take that over the rage that wants so badly to destroy me emotionally in all this.

He's a good man who's made some not-so-good choices. When we dont have anything else, we do have the love that God established in us from the start... Maybe that really will be enough to get us thru this... If he's brave enough to face my pain and his failure, then maybe I am too...

The voice I needed was right. Very right. In the light of day and under the canopy of God's grace & strength, I know she was right. This wont last always. We wont always succeed. And we wont always fail. But we can decide upfront and no matter what to stand...

So... I'm guessing Balloon #4 is gonna be fear of failure...

But this is long and i'm tired of typing and thinking. So i'll work that out tomorrow or something...

I think maybe this is the start of healing.

yay for that!


Monday, November 7, 2011

Prayer Requests... From You to Me


If you know me kinda well, you probably know that I'm a pray-er.

Most times I pray only as someone comes to my heart. But I know that prayer is a ministry that I need to cultivate, beginning now.

My heart is heavy for God's people. This is a new step for me. This level of bold is, well, BOLD. But I've gotta be obedient to the instruction.

If I can pray for you, let me know. I won't ask that you post in the comments unless you are comfortable, but please. Email me if you have a request. I will pray with you until you get an answer.

Noone will have access to what you give to me. I will do with it only as the Father leads. I won't speak it or share it w/anyone. No matter what.

Check the sidebar for the email address you can send your requests to. I will check it at least once per day and will pray for you and yours like I pray for my own - because you really are family to me.

I love you guys, and I'm humbled and really, truly honored to be called to pray with and for you.

You are also free to give the email addy in the sidebar to anyone you know who would want prayer.

Please know that this is only because the Lord has instructed me to do so. And that I don't seek to exalt myself. This is humbling for me and I don't take this lightly. I will honor your trust, and I will honor the Lord...

As I obey this instruction, please touch the hearts of those that You would have to share themselves with me this way. Please guard my tongue as I intercede on behalf of Your children. Not my words. Not my thoughts. Not my will. Only Your Will. Only as You command. I am humbled and I feel unworthy, but Father I am willing. Obedience is better than sacrifice.Take this obedient and use it to impact the nations. Take this one act of service and build Your ministry in Your Daughter's heart and the hearts of Your People. Establish the work of my hands, Master. I am Your servant. A slave to Your will and for Your glory.

I seek to honor You alone.

In Christs' precious name, I pray. Amen.


Inside Out

I have spent some real time this week praying and just hangin out with God and I discovered something that is kinda surprising to me.

Bad habits feel awfully good.

I was never really consciously aware of this. Good habits, while great for you, are not really all that fun and don't really seem to offer very much variety at all. I was considering my eating habits. Having cut back on a lot of my favorite things and being faced with a very limited range of choices at the time, it dawned on me that as much as I want to get healthy, I also really dont want to let go of that stuff that I like so much. Because it just tastes really good. And it's not that I dont like fruits and veggies and all. Because really I do. Fruit is one of my favorite things. It's just that healthy food is so... well... healthy.

There doesn't seem to be anything decadent or indulgent about it. Nothing that just makes you feel good. Not a thing that feeds your fleshly craving for richness - at least nothing that feeds mine.

Just keepin it real.

But I know that I have to cultivate some better habits and a more thoughtful approach to what goes in my mouth - beyond the normal not eating fastfood and not having sweets as much. I have to really truly consider my diet and eliminate (or seriously reduce) those things that don't contribute to a healthy me.

For heaven's sake, I have to do what's right.

And once I thought about this in the context of food, I thought about it as it relates to other bad habits as well. And I came to the same conclusion for them all. We just gotta do what's right.

I was so convicted. Convicted enough that I doubt I will be able to casually indulge in un-healthy food anymore. Which was really the point for me, I'm sure.

THEN, as I thought the lesson through I realized that this same mentality is what keeps many from coming to Christ and what keeps even more who HAVE come to Christ from ever really EXPERIENCING Him.

Because, let's just be honest here. The world doesn't taste all that bad. Live and let live, to each his own, if it feels good do it. That mentality is pretty appealing because it leaves us unaccountable for the choices we make. And who doesn't want to be free?

Thought so.

But here's the rub; the RIGHT way tastes pretty good too. You just have to dig deeper than the surface and go beyond the box.

If I'm honest, the way that I have been about this food thing is the way I was about my walk with Christ. I didn't wanna be THAT girl. You know her. Fanatical and crazy. Bible-thumpin' and ALWAYS talkin about Jesus. Because dude seriously, I'm wierd enough as it is. Not like I needed some help in that department.

But just like I've finally done with this food thing, spiritually I got sick of being out of the loop. I'd heard enough people go on and on about God and His faithfulness and all that. And I supposed they were right. But I got tired of not knowing for myself. I figured me and Him needed to really get to know one another. I needed to get deeper with Him and really put some elbow grease into that part of my life. Because grazing the surface and speaking in Christian just wasn't gettin it for me any more.

I didn't expect to enjoy it. I just decided it was right and I could endure it.

And like a ton of bricks, I realized that I wasn't just enduring it. I was flat out ENJOYING it. And all that other stuff that was so appealing before? Not so much now. Don't get me wrong. I still enjoy a lot of the things I enjoyed before I got serious about God, but I dont think I'm losing something if I have to give it up for a while to be with Him or to attend to His agenda instead of my own. It is actually for htat reason that I find it to be more pleasureable now than it was before.

And for the things that I gave up permanently. Well... I dont really even recall what they were like anymore, if that tells you anything at all.

The desire it gone and I dont feel in the least bit deprived. I just feel really... clean...

That's how my body feels when I treat it well.


The same way my spirit feels when I cultivate my relationship with God.


As I enter into this journey to cultivate a healthier lifestyle this year, I'm challenging you too. I'm challenging you to not see your relationship with God as something you do because it's right, but to see it instead as a source of Joy.

Dig deep. Go outside the box. And drink Him up. You won't be hungry, you won't be bored, and you won't be lacking in that indulgent feeling we tend to seek through so many other venues.

Give up just one thing that you know you should, but hate to let go of.

I'm doin' it too, so we'll be doin this togehter. I have made a commitment to my physical well being because I want my outside to match the inside.

Join in.

Sunday, November 6, 2011


Ok. So, if you know me at all, you know that one of my favorite phrases is:

CAN I GET YOU TO GET SOME ACT-RIGHT (or ack-right, as I spelled in the title)????

What it means is so simple: it means to get it together.


This seems to be a really difficult concept for folk to grab hold of, but really it isn't so foreign.

I struggle with this because there really is a lot of truth in that not everyone is at the same place at the same time, on any level. But for real. When you can look at me (and anybody else) and tell me what somebody else OUGHTA be doin, and yet in the whole time I've known you manage to never do what you told somebody else they NEED to do, you and I have a problem with eachother.

When you decide that you are qualified to teach other folks how to get it together, and u're still trynna hold on to old stuff and make it look new (which by the way, is NOT working), I think you might wanna re-evaluate some things.

When you start calling wrong, right and right, wrong... yeah. Here again, maybe you should take some time to re-group and just START OVER.

When you won't say wrong is WRONG (clearly wrong, at that ) JUST TO KEEP SOME PEACE, and at the cost of OTHER PEOPLE... you might just wanna step away from the madness and feel better about some things.

These are all causes to ask for some act-right.

And now that I have been comical, in all seriousness, every one of the scenarios above implies a struggle internally. There is a deeper issue than just accepting/doing wrong for no good reason. These things are spiritual malignancies and must not be allowed to run unchecked. Just like cancer, these sorts of symptoms mask a disease that will eat you away from the inside out if you aren't careful. These are the things that we shouldn't ignore, but that should prompt us to act. For ourselves, and in some instances for others as well.

How? Easy. PRAY. And then OBEY the instruction. Now don't get me wrong. I've had at least one of these moments at some point -and I'm sure I will again before it's all done... But really, if you help me, I'll help you.

Can we ALL just get some act-right and do what we KNOW we need to do, to get to where the Father is calling us to be?

All ya'll on my list - I'm fightin' for you, and I 'mma need you to join in the battle. THANKS


Seriously, join in. We'll all be the better for it.

Love is not Jealous... But Its Jealousy Is Unyielding As The Grave

I got punkcd today so I figured I'd share the joy.

"Love is as strong as death...its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire." Song of Solomon 8:6

I didn't understand this before. Not at all. how can God say love is not jealous. But in Song of Songs, King Solomon says that love's jealousy is unyielding as the grave?

Here's my take on that - and it's coming from this present place in my life and in our relationship...

When we look at 1 Corinthians 13, the bottom line of it all is this: truly loving eachother means that we ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS do what's best for the beloved, deserved or not,e asy or not, comfortable or not. We dont do it based on what they do in return. Not at all. We do it because living out God's kind of love won't allow anything else.

God says 'love never fails.'

God also says that He himself is love.

And God IS jealous. His word says that. But it's not a jealousy that destroys. It is a jealousy that relentlessly pursues it's object. Just like love. Love relentlessly puruses it's object.

God is Love.

God is jealous.

Love is jealous.

Death is an absolute thing. It does not change. When you die, you are dead. There is nothing else.

Love, if it is God's love, is absolute. It does not change. When you love, you love. And there is nothing else. Not if you do it on God's terms.

"love is as strong as death.'

There is power in love; the absoluteness of it's nature makes it the most powerful expression we can have toward eachother. Becuse God says it always wins... and if He is love, that would mean HE always wins.

Love's jealousy is unyielding as the grave. Just like death keeps on comin - even though we'd all rather it not, love does the same - even when we reject it. Neither love nor death worries about the consequence of it's pursuit. They both do what they were created to do. The both intend fully to lay claim to their object. Love wants what it wants and it does not stop till it gets it.

In this instance, jealousy is not the sort that destroys or does damage. It's the sort that refuses to be cast aside.

One thing about jealousy is that there is no agenda for a jealous person, but their own. Their sole pursuit is to prove their suspicions. And in human tems that's a negative thing.

But in God-terms, in God's way, it's not only positive, it's wonderful and liberating. Because Gods' suspicisions are 1) not suspicions at all. He always acts in and has full knowledge. and 2) His jealousy is rooted in the clear intent of proving His thoughts toward us to be right.

Think on that ya'll... God knows His thoughts toward us. He knows what each one of us really truly is and what/who we will be. He knows. And He sets out to prove it - to us and eveyrbody else. His whole goal is to prove that He's right in how He views us.

Just like jealousy.

And since He is Love, then Love is jealous.

And if we love His way, if we love like Love, then in that same way, we should be jealous. Because based on Love's Word, Love always believes the best.

And since Love sets out to prove itself right in it's thoughts of the beloved, then Love should be jealous enough to 'burn like a blazing fire' in order to accomplish it's goal.

We are called to love so relentlessly, so hard, so deep, so strong that Love consumes us and our object. Love should overtake the beloved in such a way that all it (the Beloved)  can do is prove the Lover's thoughts toward itself to be right and true.

Why & How

God is so faithful.

He's shown me so much this morning alone about how He has been in control and how He's had His hand all over this situation - and me - even before I knew there even WAS a situation.

The single most profound revelation of the morning is this:

It's not really about the 'why' of our pain; its the 'how' that matters.

The 'why' of any pain we experience, when it's completely reduced, boils down to the fact that we are flawed creatures, living in a flawed world, trying to build lives around and with other flawed creatures. That fact alone means that at some point, by our poor choices or someone else's, we are going to experience pain. Even of the most profound sort. Maybe even at the hands of people who love us. Or maybe in the shame of us being the ones to issue the hurt to people that we love. Inevitably, pain is experienced because we are utterly human. It just is what it is.

But the 'how'... That's a whole different story. The 'how' is the way we choose to handle the pain that life throws our way. Do we try to skirt it by pretending we don't hurt? Do we look for unhealthy ways to alleviatge it? You know what I mean... drugs, alchol, sleep, food, inappropriate intimacy...  Do we turn away from God? Do we retaliate in kind? How do deal with the things that hurt?

Ya'll. That matters.

And really, if we have a hope of dealing with it in a way that allows God to call us blameless, all we can do... ALL we can do... is cling to Him. Talk to Him. Give Him the hurt and the things that come with it. Because if we don't - if we don't rest on the relationship that we are called to have with Him - we are gonna fail. And satan is gonna make sure he keeps us slaves to ourselves and our natural inability to heal our own spirits.

We all make choices in our pain and they all lead us to or away from God. We all come face-to-face with Christ and choose to stand firm or run scared in those times when everything just seems to be crushing us and fallin in our heads. Every last one of us....

It's all a matter of where our hearts lie. Do we give satan the foothold or do we invite God to do a work through our pain that equips us to edify the body - even in our own homes & families?

Somethin to think on, huh?

bye ya'll...

Friday, November 4, 2011

God? I Miss You...

There are posts other than this that are in my drafts that I really want - and probably need - to finish...

But right now, what I need more than anything is just to feel God's arms around me. I just need to feel His presence, His power, and His love.

I've got this one song that has been trying to rise up in my spirit all afternoon.... Donnie McClurkin and Joan Rosario...

Satisfy my soul with the best of heaven
Satisy my soul with the fullness of your love
Satisfy my soul with the best of heaven
Satisfy my soul with the fullness of your love

My soul faints after You, seeking Your presence
My soul faints after You, seeking  Your power
My soul faints after You, seeking Your glory

Satisfy my soul.... satisfy my soul... satisfy my soul with Your love.

As I sit and listen to this song, even while I type this post, tears flood my eyes. Because this is genuinely what I want.

I dont want to be angry at God. I dont want to feel all the things that make me want to go back to my Egypt. I just want to know that God is near.

I miss Him. I miss our closeness. Nobody who knows me would say that I'm distant from God right now.

But I am. And I have been for a while...

There was a time, even at the worst part of this road, when all I wanted was to be near God. If He'd just speak, it made it better, more bearable. At every turn, at every breaking, at every obstacle. As long as He'd speak, I'd follow. But lately, even before the floor fell from under my feet, I haevn't felt that comfort.Or that peace. Not in the way that I crave to feel it.

I mean... He's speaking. I'm hearing. But I dont want to anymore. I just see the burden. And even in the moments when I see the beauty, I'm so absolutely aware of the pain that I just want to block it all out. Because hearing is so hard for me. For the God who I've prayed for years to tell me His secrets, to reveal things to me - even things that are painful for me or that will be painful as they unfold - is such an amazing gift. Such a joy. Such a powerful powerful testimony to what happens if we give ourselves fully and absolutely to Him.

It is an exquisite love.

But it is an exquisite pain.

Absolutely exquisite.

And as much as I wanna run, I want so badly to stay. I want so badly to not be distant from the God who has shown me so many wonderful things. I want to not be angry and not feel betrayed by Him. I want to still believe with all of myself that it's all good, jsut as long as I have His Voice.  I want so much to be able to find peace internally and the quiet place in my spirit that exists because He's become such a friend to me... 

I just want to know He's near.

He told me some weeks ago that He is near and that He will always be with me... I wasn't sure why... But I'm starting to see that I needed that reassurance. Because I don't really feel Him always near right now.

I want to not need someone else's voice to draw me into worship. I want to pick up my journal and note all the stuff He chooses to speak. I want to be someplace other than this place where I'm hiding even from the God who created me.

The absolute hardest part of this is that I can't reconcile my heart with God. I'm angry at Him. Angrier at Him, in fact, than I am at H. Because I know that God is sovereign. And I know that God is in absolute control. I know that this situation is ONLY becuase He didn't stop it. And part of me wants to question that decision on His part. But I can't. Because He's God. I am so angry because He knows how tired I am, how weary, how exhausted, how sad. And He has known. But then He allows this. He allows the one thing that He knew would take me to the very end of everything I can almost wrap my head around.  In fact, one of the very few thigns I asked NOT to have to face, because trust is already such a struggle for me.

How does my God, my friend, who knows me so well deem this best? How can this be? Why would my Lord, who loves me so deeply, betray me? Doesn't He know that i would do anything - anything at all - to please Him? Haven't I proven that? Why would He allow this, and all that comes with it? why would He betray me?

So weary that all I can do, literally at this point, is stand and wait for the stones that are coming.... I was typing a post this morning and the song Stand came to my heart and it stayed until mid-morning. And on the way to work, I had this image. Of me facing a group of people with hands full of stones. And all I could do was stand there and let them throw these rocks at me. I was alone and unprotected. Just a hood on a head that was hung low, trying to shield my face so that nobody would see the pain of that moment. And the stones just kept coming. All I could think was 'they're going to crucify me and there's nothing I can do... There's nothing I can do but let them.'

And the God that I love, my Adonai, He brought me here. He brought me to this place.

After all this time, all this everything... the only way to the promise is death. Death of my own desires and hopes, of my heart, of the rest of my reputation, of more relationships.

After everything else, the very little that's left... He's gonna let them take it.

And He says, I will be with you always.

I cant even begin to articulate where that leaves my heart.. but even now, I want so badly to be pleasing to Him... I just want so badly to please Him. And to know that I can trust Him.

I want so badly to know that life will not always hurt so much; to know that following God will not always leave me broken and lonely and unsure. I want so much to not be afraid of what deeper intimacy with Him will bring. I want so much to experience God on the mountain top instead of in the deepest part of the deepest valley of my life. I want so much to experience His love in a pleasurable place, in a place where there is rest and tranquility NOT borne of adversity.

I'm hungry for a season of close rest and respite with the God that I have come to love with my life.

I just want to know that He's nearby, that I can find Him, that He hasn't left me stumbling in the dark and gasping for air. I was tired before this. I was broken before. I was empty and on fumes a long time ago. I just want to know that He hasn't left me here to perish.

I just want to touch Him... maybe if I can just touch Him...just for a second...

Unexpected On-Slaught

Today is a hard day. Last night was hard.

I'm not even sure why.

Just... my emotions are all over the map.

Oh well. I guess it's just par for the course right now.

Pray for us if you think about it, would ya?


Thursday, November 3, 2011

I'm An August Baby

I was tagged! Jill Brownstone did it!

I am an August Baby. I am a Leo.
AUGUST: Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride in oneself (me and Jesus have come to an understanding abou this one). Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous (again, me and Jesus are working on some things). Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.

I've gotta tag twelve of you:
Jai, Jenn, Amanda,Larissa, Wynt, Shaneai (and I'm still workin' on the other six.)

Enjoy, Peoples!!!!



1. Mention the person who tagged you and create a link back to them.
2. Copy-paste the traits for all the twelve months (see below).
3. Pick your month of birth.
4. Highlight the traits that apply to you.
5. Tag 12 people and let them know by visiting their blogs and leaving them a comment.
6. Let the person who tagged you know when yours is up!

The Twelve Months

JANUARY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking at people’s flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very stubborn and money cautious.

FEBRUARY: Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizes dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

MARCH: Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.

APRIL: Active and dynamic. Decisive and hasty but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people’s problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.

MAY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.

JUNE: Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.

JULY: Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people’s feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

AUGUST: Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride in oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.

SEPTEMBER: Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people’s mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.

OCTOBER: Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to take things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn’t pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.

NOVEMBER: Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions. Unpredictable.

DECEMBER: Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egotistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.

Avoidance Isn't Working... Maybe Surrender Will Work Better..

Have you ever just tried to avoid dealing with something? Just decided that even though you know what's up, and you know you really don't look forward to it- really need to face it ahead of time so that when it comes in full you won't drown- that you'd just put it off and deal with it later? Much later?

That has been me lately. Don't get me wrong. Not only did I know it was coming - I've known it for a long time. But now, now it's being made real to me and I'm not really feeling this. I am typically one to face things head-on.


Not this time. Not wanting to do that at all.

And because this is one of those times that only the Lord can get me through, that would also mean that I'm not dealing with HIM right now either.

*sigh* I know, I know. Not a good look. Not at all.

All this started right around a month ago. I thought I had gotten a reprieve on something -only to find out (in a more than clear way) that I have not.

Ok. I don't like it, but I can deal with it. Because you see, my way to deal with it is to simply ignore it until it actually MUST be faced and addressed. Easy enough. Pretend it doesn't really impact me - because feelings really don't count anyway - and just keep it moving. Face it when it comes, do what is required, and then suppress it all a little more. Because well, crying and hurting won't change a thing. Woman up and move the heck on.

Works for me.

... or not.

Because apparently on this one, the Lord is not allowing my She-RA-like tendencies to rule. He is, in fact, requiring that I accept that I am not immune to the depth of this thing and the impact it's gonna have.

And I'm angry at Him for it.

Oh I'm not mad just because it's gonna hurt like nothin' else. I'm mad because I WANT MY WAY.

I have realized today that I am angry because He is requiring the one thing I asked that He would NOT require. I am angry because even in the middle of this, I'm STILL held to higher standard than everybody around me. I'm HOT because even in all this - I'm still obligated to other people.

And really at this point - I DON'T WANT TO BE. Let them work all that out on their own. When do I get to be the needy one for a change? When do I get to be taken care of, instead of being repsonsible to be the caretaker? It's not fair, and I don't like it. AT.ALL.

I woke up this morning with the faintest remnants of this blanket of peace I apparently was given in my sleep - which means that something is underfoot. And then I got to work and tried to sit and get focused and talk to Him, only to realize fully that I couldn't get there. AND THEN a big ball of emotion hit me and it dawns on me that I have to face this head-on privately so that I can do what the Lord has instructed without falling apart. Yay. Yay for me.

But not to worry. Me and God have been chattin' it up. And I've already told Him what I'm tellin' ya'll. And do you know what He said: He said He's sovereign. Trust Him. Rest in Him. Hold on to Him. He won't leave me or forsake me.

And for the first time in a long time, I wasn't really interested in any of that. What I wanted Him to say to me is that what He's been preparing me for doesn't have to happen just yet. I want Him to tell me I've been so faithful that He's changed His mind and He will answer my prayer in MY way...

And that is not to be. He has made that abundantly clear. So I asked Him what He wants from me. And He says everything. Well. Let's see. I've already given that. What more is there to give? Exactly what else is left for You to take, because everything that has ever meant anything to me, thus far, You have required. And I have complied. I'm complying now, allbeit, not happily. I am complying. This is the last of what has meant anything at all to me...

And then I cried.

Because I know that even as I have pushed Him away, He has continued to pull me close. Scripture after scripture, passage after passage, confirmation after confirmation. He's making me ready. Giving me all that I need to endure. And all that I need to bear the responsibility that is mine to carry.

That doesn't make this easier. But it does make me know that He is Love. By it's very definition. He IS 1Corinthians13...

The part of me that wants to fight Him is the part that wants one last open door to the old - just in case I get sick of the new. Because even though I know it is time for the old to completely pass away, it's all I know. And it's where I'm comfortable.Where I feel safest. It's been that way all my life. But it won't be anymore. I know that the old isn't His best or His will. I know that I must keep going forward.

But it still hurts. To the core of my soul it hurts.

And then He holds me. He catches my tears. He wraps me in His arms. And He whispers to me:

'I will give you beauty for ashes.'

And slowly - ever so slowly - my heart truly accepts. I will not fight. Because this is not my decision to make. He IS sovereign. He knows best. He loves me. He and I, we've come too far together to turn back now. And if I leave Him now, then what happens to my life? What becomes of me? Who do I have? How do I endure?

I am not my own god. I am not in control of my own destiny. It is not my own will that must prevail, but His. He is infinite in His wisdom and His way. I must not challenge Him. I cannot rebel. Because in giving up everything that I have held dear, I have gained the only thing in this life that is truly valuable.

In losing my life, I have found my King...

Even as my heart breaks and my tears flow, I recognize His Holiness. He is the matchless, perfect God and He is all I need, even in the midst of a storm in which I fear I just might drown.

I cannot tell You that I'm happy or sure of this. But I can tell You that I love you more. I love you most. I can make no promises. I can only give you my heart that says I accept Your will. I recognize Your sovereignty. And I will obey You. You promise not to let my feet slip. You promise not to slumber. You promise not to leave or forsake me. You tell me that You will give me rest. That You will give me a peace that passes all understanding. So. I'll hold You to it. Daddy I need You. Draw me close to You and hold me next to Your heart. Let me hide myself in You. Let me burrow myself in the glorious, comforting folds of Your robe and just rest. Let me hear the beat of Your heart. Give me rest. Please. Give me peace. You say 'this is the only way.' You are Jehovah. My God. Elohim. God who is my Strength. El Shaddai. God Almighty. El Roi. God Who Sees. You are my God. In You do I live, move and find my being. Lord I love You. I need You. And I choose You. Not my will, but Your will be done.

In Jesus' Name. I'm sorry for resisting. I surrender and submit. Let it be as You have ordained.


God Is Good...

All the time.

And all the time, God is good!

How's that for some thanks?

A New Normal

It has been just over a month since I last posted. Can you believe it?

I have so much to say. But. Well. I just haven't been able to put it on paper yet.

But today. Today I think I'll share.

Life is wierd.

I was at this really strange place at the first of the year. Wondering just how much longer I had it in me to go thru the motions of EVERYTHING (which is ovbious in at least one area by my last post). I just didn't know how much more of this eternal limbo I could do.

And apparently God agreed with me. Because things I've been waiting on for anywhere from one to several years are beginning to slowly but surely come together. Step by step. Little by little. Piece by piece. It is all starting to pan out.

And I want to be excited,but I'm afraid to get there. Because I have been before and things just fell apart. And then I was thrown off and doubt set in. So this time, I'm taking it slow. But really ya'll. I'm excited.

... ya know, the wierd part of it all is that as this thing comes together, I can get my life back in some sort of order (and if you know me, you know what I mean - JENN). I'm not one for upheavals and unexpected curveballs or a lotta change. And this last 3 years has been that for me.

It was three years to the date on April 1, 2009 that I quit my job and started this new thing. And life has never been harder. Or richer. Or more of a rollercoaster ride. Or more of a blessing.

I miss normal. I crave normal. I long for routine and schedule and consistency. LOL.

Then I started really pondering on that and I came to a startling realization: My life is changed, never to be the same again, and what I will call normal going forward is not the normal I left behind three years ago.

The season is different. The circumstance is different. The woman is different.

The world around me is filtered thru new eyes and the things that used to mean something don't any more.

But the things that mean something now, well... they're irreplaceable.

I have seen a lot these past three years - been thru a lot, too. And I am rich. Truly rich. Eternally rich.

Above and beyond what I could ask or think is exactly what this new season is to me.

I see it around me. I sense it. I feel it deep inside. God is at work, doing some amazing things.

I will never be the unsure, uncomfortable, outwardly together, inwardly dying 25 year old kid that I was when I started playin at grown.

Now, at 31, I am sure, comfortable in my own skin, and inwardly stable. I have matured into a woman. One that I truly like and believe in. One who is confident for real, not just smart enough to make people THINK she is.

If I get nothing else in this season of my life, I can honestly say that this has been worth the fight.

Here's the the wierdness of a new normal and the joy of a life covered by Christ and drowned in His Love.

Lord thank you for Your love. I appreciate You. I am grateful. I worship You. I rejoice in You. And I am standing in awe of what You do and who You are.

In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Thankful Thursday - I can Trust Him

Psalms 114:49

Remember the word you spoke to your servant. For you have given
me hope.

This week we had Vacation Bible School, and this verse was the text for Monday night.

This is the prayer of the psalmist. And waht He's really telling the Lord is that he's trusting Him to make things work out like He told him He would, because the only reason he (the psalmist) is standing firm is that the Lord's revelation to him has given him what he needs to endure.

And for longer than I can recall at this point, this has been how I've felt.

And today, right now, I can tell you that the Lord has remembered the words He has spoken to His servant. He is proving my hope.

And thankful doesn't begin to describe where my heart is right now. Just astonished is what I am at this moment. Totally astonished.

Go see Iris. You already know.


Some Days...

Clay better be really really glad that I do not have homicidal tendencies - or his butt would be on my hit list.




There are so many times I need it. And so many times He gives it. And even more times that He gives it when I dont even KNOW I need it.

Grace is a good thing.

And a good reason to say thanks.

Go visit Iris.She's got tons of links to more of this goodness.

The Love of My Life

Or maybe I should say 'loves of my life'.

Because there are two.

The original isn't feeling the sharing, but the new one is oblivious to the fact that it even matters.

Such a hard time trying to satisy them both. *sigh*

But I'm a soldier. I can handle it!

My nephew and niece. Aren't they just too sweet? And of course, because he's a big second grader, he has to be handsome. *rolling my eyes* But she is just edible! Both of them are, really.

It's a Set-Up

You know, I've got so much I would love to say and to share, but I dont really know how to get it all out.

I'm learning a lot of stuff these days.

In a season of growth - which is what I have asked the Lord for.

It's wierd. I stayed in a stagnant state for a long time and now that I've really begun to enjoy a relationship with God, the thought of stagnation is unsettling to me. I'm so aware of when something is not right in me, when there is something I need to take to God so that we can get back to enjoying each other...

This past three years has seemed to go by in a blur, but it also seems like a lifetime's worth of stuff has happened - and most of it has been in me.

This year is starting off for me with a sense of anticipation and the understanding that much of what I've been prepared for is going to actually reveal itself in the natural over the next few months. I also have a sense of change for my family. We are welcoming a new generation. My generation has started building families and having babies. We've got two on the way right now and although they aren't the first babies for our generation, they seem to be the ones ushering in a new season.

So much newness and it seems that it's all a set-up for releasing the past and moving into the future. Exciting but a little uncertain.

That I have been prepared doesn't take away that butterfly feeling in the pit of my stomach; I watching mysteries unfold and I'm in awe of God's excellence in the way He orchestrates the details that create a complete picture...

How can you not serve a God who's standard for Himself is that everything He does, He does in the MOST excellent way possible?