Sunday, April 8, 2012


I'm thankful for intimacy today. The privilege of knowing someone else well and deepy. And of them knowing you the same.

It's a gift. And it makes me smile.

OK, so this was real short, but go check out Iris for more of this goodness.


Tuesday, April 3, 2012

God is Faithful

For the first time in all this, i see two things I've wanted to see more than anything: brokenness and that he cares. And there was some vulnerability thrown in there for good measure.

The Holy Spirit said to me outta nowhere yesterday morning: 'God is faithful.' It seemed odd, but i figured ok... it makes sense, becuase I had a need that He met. But in my heart I knew it was something more than that. I just didn't know what.

Now I do. God is faithful. More faithful that I expected in this...

He's faithful....

Monday, April 2, 2012

Thankful Thursday - He Loves Me

"Rosheeda, I do not require that you are perfect. Only that you walk in full surrender to Me. Have faith that I will be your Father, no matter your failure."

I am thankful today that the Father's love for me is perfect. That no matter if I get it right or miss the mark, walk away, RUN away, or simply refuse to obey Him, His love never waivers. I am thankful that the value I have in Abba's eyes is something that I can't ever begin to truly comprehend or deserve, but that He has always and will always continue to shower down upon me without reserve. He is just so good to me. And I love Him for it all.

Balloon No. Two

I stayed home from church today. Just felt like God wanted one-on-one time with me.

Knelt to pray... Can't pray....

There's some wall in my spirit.Some door in my hear that needs to be unlocked and I don't exactly what the combination is to do that...

All God says is "Open your heart fully to H. Then you will be able to receive complete revelation from the place in your spirit that needs full relationsihp in order to hear."

I get that.

I totally get that.

God hasn't stopped talking to me in all this. But it's been hard to really hear Him. I started closing doors in my heart to keep H out. And since letting H in was God's idea to start with, that spilled over into trying to keep God out too.

So, just like me and H are not walking in full relationship right now, neither have I been walking in full relationship with God.

But apparently, now it's time. Time for a shift to happen in my relationship with God, just like whatever is starting to happen with H.

God wants to tell me some things. But I wont be able to receive them until I allow this door to open.

That door is fear of intimacy.

Somehow intimacy with God and intimacy with H have become intertwined. I'm not letting either in fully, because I feel hurt/betrayed by both.

H said to me Friday that it's almost like I'm scared to speak. And he's right. But not in the way he thinks. Speaking - because I am a words kinda girl - is direct insight into my heart and my spirit. It's a no-brainer with strangers. They require very little investment, as far as personal revelation goes...

But not with H. I had started opening up and trusting him. Talkin a bit more about what's REALLY happening in me. He called it 'wierd'. And that shut it all down.

And now, to speak... what exactly should I say? What CAN i say that really makes a difference? And how can i say what I'm not even sure of right now? I'm sure taht I love him... I say that to him consistently,even now. I'm sure that I want him? He knows that. I've said that. I'm sure that I'm not vanishing anytime soon? Welll... that's a day by day thing. But so far, i've reassured him in that as much as i can..

Kesha gave me the answer: he wants to know how i feel. it's his way of asking me to let him in.

Anyway... I did ask him why it aggravates him that i'm so quiet... he's all.. iownknow...looking back at it now, i'm sure he was hopin' i'd take it as an open door to give him some insight.

I didn't.

But I need to.

And the only way I can do that is by letting God walk me thru this place of totally not trusting him to get it.

I dont know if that's a valid fear or not. I'm sure it's probably not. But it is what it is.

I've always had that sense of not quite fitting in. I pretty much do my own thing. And I've always been alright with that. I've always loved that part of me that's independent and that doesn't need approval or confirmation from other people. I've seen my strength and self-awareness as qualities to be embraced. And I have lived my life that way for the majority of my 32 years. It's just who I am.

And because I embraced those parts of my personality, I have always been a loner, and have been pretty cool with that too.... I have never felt an overwhelming NEED for close intimate relationships. Not even as  a kid. I remember being in highschool and thinking there was something wrong with me because I couldn't 'feel' love for the few people I called friend.

That bothered me until I was sophomore in college; when I became friends with CJN. Through that relationship, as hard as it was when our friendship ended, I learned that I had the capacity to love deeply and beyond just my family.

But because of how our friendship ended, I also learned yet again how deeply I could feel pain because of love beyond my control.

*uh, God. I see where this is goin and I'm NOT happy about it.*

That relationship was the first one of the two that I had with men, besides H, where i allowed them close enough to hurt me.

He did.

I dealt with it and moved on past it... but I asked God for a friend - a guy friend, because I had NO idea how to relate to chicks at the time. Not at all...

I didnt want a boyfriend. I just wanted a guy friend that I could talk with, confide in, trust... which lookin at it now makes sense, because the closest relationships in my life had been with men. Nothing of a physical nature; just the connection was stronger w/fellas on  a personality level. Men made more sense to me... Anyway... God answered that. He sent CKW.

And that was all good for a while. Til we got sooooo close that the next only logical answer was move forward or walk away. Walking away was the right answer. And it was done the right way. We hadn't compromised physically and we hadn't compromised emotionally. We genuinely had over the course of a few years, established an amazing friendship. And honestly, the distance didn't hurt in the way a betrayal hurt. Because I knew that God had been in control and that He had a plan...

I had come to love CKW and I had come to have a set of beliefs about relationships and marriage and things; considering how close we were and how intimate on an emotional level... the only option that made sense in my  mind or heart was marriage as an ulitmate end. We did it right. It looked right. It felt natural. It made sense. So i figured that in God's time, we'd get there.

Due to lots of things that I am not gonna reveal or re-live here, God allowed me a complete release from that. The 'loose-ends' tied to CKW is why God had me take a step away from H. Over a few months' time, God showed me that that was not an optimal situation and that I could totally disconnect, knowing that I had done my best to honor God in our friendship.

I had called this man friend; he called me friend. But when it came to it, when that friendship was tested, he failed. And he failed miserably. He knew me. I had allowed myself to relax. I shared with him things that I have NEVER shared and I allowed him to support me in the way that friends do. I let all my walls fall and took all my guards down... When it was all said and done, he treated it callously. He forgot that part of friendship is care and consideration - even if you think what you say or express or whatever might hurt.

I wasn't hurt that we weren't in love. I was hurt that he didnt love me enough to be gentle with my heart. And since he has been the closest to me by far in any sort of 'knowledge' of my inner person way, that left a bitter taste in my mouth...

But... I got over it. Genuinely.

And in the midst of disconnecting fully w/CKW, there was H. Who I thought I was free of too.

But then God said  'Go back'.

And what I've never said to anybody about that time in my life is this: I didnt' WANT to go back. I thought God had given me an out and that I wouldn't have to deal with any of what H brought to the table and the work he required internally.

I thought He had given me an out -which was right up my alley. Because the intimacy. I am not a fan. I believe I've said that here before... all that knowing and being known... it seemed that it always ended in a way that brought pain and so... I was pefectly fine with NOT having to learn to navigate that.

Except that God said 'Go back.'

But all those walls. They were up and they were strong. And the guards along with 'em.


I'm sitting here typing and totally connecting the dots. Every man that has ever been allowed to genuinely know me, has taken that and treated it in a way that hurt me. And with every hurt, the walls came back stronger, as a way to deal with it and not have to dig too deep. Because that's what you do, right?! You get over it and you move on.

My dad was first. We've already talked about that. Personal truth, awareness, and acceptance were not there. But I was closest to my dad and wanted to please him, beyond anyone else. One of the few times and people who's approval meant something. I never really had it. And I didn't blame myself for it. I just figured I could find it elsewhere.

CJN was the first attempt.... EPIC FAIL

CKW was the next attempt.... EPIC FAIL

And since I was totally over all that by then, I just didn't even extend the invitation to H to know me, beyond what was comfortable. Because he was so not like the other ones, and they are the ones who totally fit the bill. If the ones who made perfect sense didnt' fit, how the hell was H gon' fit?! I'm just sayin....

Obviously that didnt' work out for me. Because he's been my change. He knows me in spite of me and he knows me so well that he knows when there's something i'm holding that needs to be shared...

I've no doubt that this dance with me on that level has gotten old. None at all. Can't say I blame him. Because seriously, he's not the one who broke me. And all the stuff that has happened up to now, would probably not have been nearly as tough if I had just trusted him and seen him for who HE is from the start - rather than assuming that since the other two were ... ridiculous ... then he must be too...

I need to own my part in that breakdown.

And seeing as how now, he's aking me to let him in and he's walking up on this risk of vulnerability in his own heart with me, I'm guessing I need to let go of a fear of intimate knowledge with him that has nothing really at all to do with HIM but that has plenty to do with other people's failures toward me.

It isn't his fault others failed. And he shouldn't be forced to pay the price for that.

And we can't move into anything beyond what we left behind if I don't deal with this....

He wants to know me completely. And I want to be known completely.



This fear is not from God. This fear is rooted in failure to honor my heart, some by my own hand and some not. H is not CJN nor is he CKW. He is also not my dad. The biggest part of this fear of intimate knowledge is that he wont love me if he discovers who i really am inside. I wont be good enough. But seriously. He has loved me in spite of me for our whole relationship. He loves me flaws and all. At the end of the day, I am exactly where he wants to be. He has spent lots of time telling me that and I have spent lots of time pretending I don't get it.

I get it now. This is not about perfection. It's not about not being hurt. It's about genuine relationship and honesty. He wont do this perfectly and neither will I. But we can start over. We both get an opporutnity to leave behind the things that are so destructive to our spirits. We can begin now and allow this process to take us deeper.

I need to admit some things on this one:

I am not so strong that I can walk thru my life by myself. God created me to be a wife and a mother; I've known that since I was ten. I dont get to dictate how that looks. And I dont have to deny the want because it gets too hard sometimes.

That I love myself and all my quirkiness is wonderful. That I have always been ok with me on that level is wonderful. That I enjoy my own company is great. But I dont have to be my own best friend.

All these walls... they really are not worth it. I can trust people. Not everybody will hurt me.

I need H and it's ok that I need H. That fact doesnt make me weak or silly. It makes me human. And it's beautiful.

Allowing myself to feel and to fully engage does not make me weak. And besides that, he'll prolly appreciate a little weakness.

So ok God. You can have this one. Please open the door to full intimacy. I'm inviting You into that place. I'm inviting You to open that door in my heart to H. Please give me the courage to let him in. I'm givin' this fear up, because well... no good will come of me holdin' on to it any longer.

so ok. I GIVE.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Unexpected Clarity... And a Decision to Make...

One of the things I've been struggling with is why God wants me to be so broken of my resistance & fear of deep pain.

I mean, i know that nobody LIKES to hurt. But I genuinely am AFRAID of deep hurt. For that matter I've always been afraid of any deep emotion. Whether it was love pain joy. Whatever. Because I can't control it. If it runs too deeply, I cant turn it on and off.

Now, i know I cant control it anyway. And I know that my unwillingness to feel deeply doesnt' stop the feelings from running deeply. It just means i'm totally unaware of what they bring.

The challenges life  has brought have been pretty overwhelming. And they have forced me to feel, well beyond what I'm comfortable with. Intellect. I got that. Logic. I'm good. Reasonableness. Yep. That's my thing. I like it there. Because everything remains predictable and understandable and controllable.

And the need for predictability and control stems from a lot of things. At the core of it all, I've always been taught that feelings dont matter. Emotions dont count. You do what needs to be done and deal with your feelings later. Problem is, I was never taught HOW to deal wiht them later. Nor was I ever told that sometimes you CAN'T deal with them later. Some feelings have to be handled in the moment and during the process. Sometimes you gotta feel and STILL do what's right. And not all emotion can be blocked. But because I never understood this, I have always taken the same stance. Which has left me paralyzed to allow my heart to dive beneath the level of emotion that can be choked back by my own will.

The other part of this is that growing up, due to a lot of things, as a family we felt lots of pain. We dealt with a lot as a unit and it left me very unwilling to allow anyone - and especially a man - to hurt me. I experienced men before H. But there were only two that were ever close enough to hurt me. And both of them did. One, very very deeply. And it took me a minute. The other one, my pride more than my heart. And genuinely it wasnt as traumatic as I expected. But still. It took me a minute.

So all that said, the very idea that I loved H was overwhelming. And the day that I realized what ability he had to break my heart was also overwhelming; from that moment I've struggled to get past my fear of deep pain. Because the only experience I've ever had w/men has been just that...

Add to that, a lot of death in a very short window of time, and you have this woman who has a fierce need to control any variable in her environment that can shatter a very very cherished even keel. Which is also where my need of comfort stems from.

I want no parts of pain. Not at all. Not on any level for any reason.

But God has been preparing me for a long time for the end of this season; He showed me long ago that it would culminate in pain, just before I recieved the promises.

The problem comes because I have been aware that I was afraid of the pain. So I did all I could to stave it off. But He told me around thanksgiving that it's time to finish this lesson...

"I want you to understand that living for Me rarely allows personal convenience or comfort. Rather, it requires full release of all that you desire in order to live the live that has been pre-destined especially for the elect."

Apparently, He meant that.

I finally, in the midst of my realizations over the weekend, addressed the question of why there is a need to break me so completely of the deep-seated fear of deep pain. Truly, I wanted to understand why this is costing so much and why it just has to hurt so badly, why it has to take me to this place that I've worked so hard to avoid before I'm ready for what I've looked so forward to for so long.

The answer... it was so simple. Really. So simple.

Refusing to experience deep pain is also a refusal to experience deep love.

The little fears that have set up the strong-hold in my heart of the this great, unreasonble fear of deep hurt all really begin and end with one thing: I am deathly afraid of rejection. And any connection with any person that can end in that fear being a reality  is a connection that I will only allow to go so far before I pull back. The only problem with that, is that you cant build strong, healthy, genuine relationships that way.

I thought I had worked thru this. And in some ways, on some levels, I have. My relationships with my girlfriends are as real as it gets. I love them and slowly but surely I've learned and am learning to just be me with them. All the messiness and all the 'whatever' that is me, they pretty much get to see it. So far they haven't run off and I haven't pulled away on any major level. I count that a victory. It's wonderful and they have each taught me how to allow my emotional self to live and to blossom. They're still teaching me. Sometimes it still scares me. But at least I'm willing to go there with them now. Because I wasn't before.

But that process with H? Man I've tried. And goodness knows, I've wanted to give in and just go with it. But with him is where the deep-rootedness really shows itself. Kesha has asked me time and again, how he can NOT expect the things that she knows are just a part of who I am. And as non-sensical as it is to her, that's easy. He rarely experiences that side of me. Because my biggest fear ever is that the more he sees of my reality, the faster and farther he will run. Perfection is what makes 'em stay, right? No display of real emotion, no over the topness, a real tight reign and serious selfcontrol. It's the order of the day and things work out fine because I am exactly who he wants me to be then. Isn't that how that's supposed to go? Fun? Relax? Not that serious? Imperfection? Emotions? THOSE things make em run, right?

They sure as hell made my daddy run.

And while he's not the same man now, in regards to running... while he's back and my parents have long since reconciled. He's still that same exacting man.  And his approach to love is really pretty much still that way, at least with me. And so. Once again. Who wouldn't be screwed up what with all  that positive re-enforcement?!

How does all this tie to pain? Rejection and abandonment are my deepest fears. I have always felt this crazy need to prove that I'm good enough to love. That if you will just give me a chance, I can prove it. And that if I do that, maybe I can avoid the pain i saw until I was an adult.

I remember my mom's pain. I remember my pain. I know how it felt as a daughter and I saw how it felt as a wife.

The day my dad admitted he was leaving my mom - HE was leaving her, even though it was HIM who was in the wrong... That day, I said to him 'It's too hard so you just leave? You just walk away because it gets too hard? You leave us, because it's too hard?'

He looked at me and said  'Yes'....

If I had a chance of not bearing the wound of their mess in my spirit, it ended in that moment...

The way this translates into now is this: I have always loved my father more deeply than almost anyone. That bond between us has been ridiculously deep and that, from that day and through things that happened all that year in our family, was shattered and it has genuinely never been the same. There has been part of me, since that time that does not trust him fully. I dont trust any man fully.

Love em or not. I dont trust them.

And H is no different.

And because of that, I have never ever allowed myself to be fully immersed in our love or our relationship. Oh. I've known for a LONG time just how much I love him. But I have never ever willingly allowed him to go beyond a certain point in my emotional walls - which at this point, and for a long time, has not been by choice.

It's been because of fear. The fear that exactly what HAS happened, WOULD happen.

And God's reason why: all deep emotion brings with it the risk of pain. So, if you forever fear deep pain, you will forever fear deep anything else - especially love.

Can I just say, that hit me like a ton of bricks?! Because that is very truly my reality. Ive been begging to be able to feel deep love for H. Not to just know that it's there between us. But to genuinely feel it, in the depths of myself. I've craved it for a long time. But I could never get past the fear of being too much or not enough in some way...

And then... my very worst fear comes true. I'magine that. Nevermind that God has required me to face EVERY other fear I've ever had that hindered me from walking in full obedience to Him. I should've seen this coming Should've expected it, right?

Yeah.... Not really... Not this way anyway.

I had finally started to rest in us. Finally I had started to believe that he could handle me being me. That he wouldn't throw me away. That I was good enough and special enough and that my impefection wasn't too much. That it didn't make me unloveable. That I could know that in his eyes, I'm worth the work.

And then real life happens. And every one of those feelings that I've harbored and that kept me locked away surfaced.

They have not gone away.

But now, in light of real life, I've been given two choices: I can take the risk and trust him. Even now. I can choose to believe God when He tells me that this is not personal and that this is about H coming face-to-face with Him. I can be obedient and stay; I can wait on H to obey and make a u-turn.

Or I can cut my loses and walk away. I can choose the emotionally safe zone. I can do what I know won't leave me to face this. I can agree to build a life with a man who will give me every comfort I crave and who will require only the emotional commitment I'm willing to make. I can live the life that I had planned for myself before all this... situation... with God. It made sense. It would've served it's purpose. And the cost would be much less. Or it would at least FEEL like much less.

One choice requires me to face this stronghold and allow it to be broken. One allows me to ignore it and live life.With my heart in-tact and my freedom restored...

I do realize the fallacy of the last option and the 'freedom' it brings with it... However. I'm just honest enough to say that it is a real thought and a serious conversation I've had with God today.

Sure it's a sacrifice... but... well... you know...

Cuz peace and painlessness. It matters to me right now. The discomfort in my spirit. The struggle to stay focused on ANYTHING BUT THIS... I'm over it all.

And the longer it takes, the more it lingers, the more serious I get about cutting my loses...

If a brotha has a hope, he needs to make a move - And it needs to be quick. Cuz a shutdown is on the way. Im very slowly dis-engaging myself and relegating him to just somebody I knew who taught me a whole lotta things and that I'm better off leaving behind.

Sounds cold.... It probably is... But it's the only way I'mma feel safe and the only way I know to get beyond this ridiculousness in my heart. Enough is enough. I might not be able to fix him, but I can surely protect me...

For all my desire to please God... maybe I really am just fresh out of any more willingness... maybe enough really is enough...