Sunday, February 12, 2012

It's A New Season

It has been a while. God is so good. So faithful. Really amazing.

Just a quick post to say I'm still alive.

I'll be back soon with something more interesting than this.

I'm just not ready to share yet...


Wednesday, February 8, 2012

More to File Away

'Praise is a choice.
'Worship is a choice.

'No matter the situation or circumstance, you choose to acknowledge who I Am or not.'

'Now is the time for you to lead your heart. Do not allow your heart to lead you.'

Tuesday, February 7, 2012


is not for punks.

Not at all.

Me and God are working thru something right now that has left me pretty shaken. And pretty mad, if i'mma keep it real.

And that is due in large part to how I (and people around me) have always (or do currently) believe love should look.

Trust me. This is not that.

I've had a hard time lately. Because I look at other people and their relationships and love stories and all that and I really have wondered why God would choose this path for me. I love my guy. I really truly do. But our story is seriously one that is way more about Grace than it is about a Godly girl meeting a Godly guy and them building a heaven-sent life.

Don't get me wrong. I know that most people's situations aren't that neat and easy; i just know that most look NOTHING like ours. And I even know that some have a harder story than ours. No two loves look alike.

But i digress. That's not even my beef. My real beef is this: why do we think we are entitled to all this holiness and godliness in eachother,when most often we are not those things ourselves. We have all these expectations and all these requirements for a mate, when seriously what I'm learning is that when God sends that person to us, they are usually a very clear reflection not only of things in us that are good, but also of areas in our own hearts that seriously need some work.

Hard pill to swallow. Or maybe not. Maybe it 's just me; but if you've been here you know what I mean. Cuz this... this is out the box...

The last couple of days God's been doin' some stretchin in me and He's taking on the things I haven't dared to ask Him out loud. Like, you know, why would You ask me to endure this?! Haven't I accepted enough? Hurt enough? Suffered enough?Sacrificed enough? Isn't it time to see something besides not only the normal foolishness, but a BRAND-NEW LEVEL of foolishness?! Are you seriously tellin' me that You expect me to keep on doin' this?! REALLY GOD?! And yes. It's that serious. I'm so for real.

And in two mornings, God's hit me with two knockout punches (not to mention the subtle pokes all last week that maybe i'm being selfish and not tolerant enough. which, if you knew the half you would think is ludicrous. but i digress.. ) The first is that I'm too comfortable. The second is that I'm childish in my expectations. And then He gives me Word to back it up...

I've always been taught that relationships cannot succeed if they are only 50/50. Gotta be 100/100 in order to be successful. I submit that that statement is not entirely true. Because really. There is rarely going to be a time when there is 100% effort on BOTH parts at all times - because life happens and people go thru things. But there CAN be 100% COMMITMENT to stay and make it work on both parts, no matter who's goin thru what. Trust me. I'm livin' proof. As is my mom before me and my grandmoms before her.

ok. lemme explain. I was all in 1Corinthians this morning. Chapter 13. But i bypassed all the love stuff and headed on to verse 9. Where we get into speaking as a child and thinking as a child and becoming a man. So not sure what was God's point... Then He told me. As I read all that stuff beforehand, it dawned on me that all the stuff love is, is not qualified with love is... if. It all says 'love is...'

The statement in verse 9 is so powerful because love is not an 'if you do this, then I'll do that'. Love does all those things no MATTER what the other side does. If it doesn't, it's not God's kinda love. And if that isn't what we're givin' to eachother we're out of order. The reference to childishness is appropriate, because it is a childish mindset, a childish position to say that we are only going to accept eachother, persevere with eachother, stand by eachother, do all that stuff in the previous 8 verses, if the other part of our dynamic duo earns it.

Not only is it childish, it is also hypocritical. Because, last I checked, I have certainly not earned it, and God loves me exactly this way. So. All my whining. All my carryin-on, however justified i might be in feelin' some kinda way because he should know better than blah blah blah. All that is not in line with what God calls me to.

I've been childish in my attitudes and I've been wrong. And it has not served us well. Not at all.

And lest we forget the second knockout: comfort is trying to root itself in my spirit again as an idol. And please notice that I said 'again', which would bring along with it a sense of entitlement, which all stems from pride. All the things God has taken His precious time to uproot in my heart.

Satan is so sneaky. Because I would not have called any of the positions I've taken any of those names, certainly not when I've paid such a price to be treated well. But when it comes to it, I've expected him to do the growing first BEFORE I gave him the all-admission pass into my heart. Im so out of order. My recent craving of comfort, because I've been feelin' like I've paid my dues and I should be able to expect some 'more' at this point, has also not served us well. Not at all.

And I know this is the opposite of what we'd like to believe. I know it's the opposite of what we teach our kids. You dont give your heart until you know he'll treasure it, etc etc etc. And that's a great position in and of itself, so that we learn to guard our hearts and see what really is a person's character.

But what if God calls you to be Hosea? How exactly do you love Gomer and honor God in that love if you withhold your heart - a heart that God has never withheld from you (not even when it was certainly not to His benefit to give it)? What makes it ok for us to set standards for eachother that God has never set for us? If God calls him or her good enough, who are we to scoff at that? Who are we to thumb our noses? Who are we to judge those to whom God has given such a call?

Why would we say that God wouldn't call you to blah blah blah, or that He wouldn't do blah blah blah, when we have biblical evidence of it being absolutely something He would do?

And more to the point, how dare we believe such a call is beneath us? Cuz really, if anybody ever had a right to feel entitled to better, it's Christ. And that's not how he loved us.

If we're really striving for Christ like-ness, shouldn't we strive for it in all areas of life?

I know. Not at all a popular or easy position, because who doesn't want to be safe and protected and cherished. We all do. But Love is what ulitmately allows that to be real between humans. In and of ourselves, we all live out Hosea and Gomer's story to some degree or another. And it's not up to us to decide how much of that story is too much for it to be God.

Not at all.

We'd do well to learn to honor God's word in the way He calls us to, and to allow others the (judgement- free) room to do the same.

Sunday, February 5, 2012


Is obviously not still Friday. I'll be back tomorrow with something a little more mind-blowing to share. I promise.

Have a great evening.


Saturday, February 4, 2012

Ten Things

XBOX Wife Ten Things Tuesday
I was so working on this 2 HOURS ago.

Back to the business at hand.

  1. Transparency. It's funky sometimes, but it's somehow a comforting place.
  2. Rain
  3. Pedicures. Cute toes ROCK!!!!
  4. Popcorn - with butter. Great snack
  5. A wide cross-section of friends
  6. That even with all this humidity and rain, my hair doesn't look a complete mess. :o)
  7. The new mall in Cedar Hill. Now I only have to drive ten minutes to shop, instead of thirty.
  8. That all my clothes are beginning to be too big - for two reasons: 1) Means my habit change is workin, and 2) gives me a reason to go shop (please refer to number 7, thanks)
  9. a JOB (right now anyway. ha!!!)
  10. That the Lord has a sense of humore - as is evidenced in the conversation that led to item number 1. Won't share. Don't worry.

Bye ya'll.Go see Jill. And post somethin' wouldja?


PRAISE GOD for those jokers.

AMEN and everything like that.

* now back to our regularly scheduled bloggin'*

Friday, February 3, 2012

In Spite Of...

... my ticked-off-ness with Chu, I gotta brag a lil' bit.

He passed all the tests he needed to accomplish that professional goal I mentioned several posts back.

He wasn't able to tell me until yesterday, but he actually passed it on Monday. THAT means he can find a new job - one he won't hate and one that pays much better.


Congratulations, Baby! Well done! I love you.

LOL and yes, I am still miffed at him.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Love... It Believes....

I didnt' sleep last night. Not at all.

2 a.m. .... can i just please go to sleep?

3 a.m. ... God, do you wanna talk to me? Why won't You just speak? Please if  You wont' speak, can I just go to sleep?

4 a.m. ... My face hurts. My mouth is on fire. I'm tired... can I not even rest?

Followed by tears. Sobs. Hoping no one wakes up to hear me. Because that's all I got.

Lord. Do you want me to pray? What am I supposed to ask? I dont know what to ask... I just wanna go to sleep.

I lay down. ball up around a pillow. And I sense the spiritual presence behind me. Know instinctively that satan has sent his representative to assault me.

Lord, I can't do this tonight. I'm surrounded by the enemy. Please dont let him kill me. My back is to the water and unless You part the sea, I'm gonna be overtaken. My heart is weary. My arms are weak. My foot is slipping. My spirit is broken. I can't do this anymore. Unless You move, I'm gonna drown. Please God... Please God...

Somewhere in all that, I fell asleep.

Woke up this morning feeling like there's still more to be revealed. Not sure what. Not really into the day. Grateful that at least there was a shift in the atmosphere between last night and this morning.

Get up. Shower. Dress. Check e-mail. Decide I want to listen to some music.


Just me and iTunes.

Marvin Sapp.

He Saw The Best In Me.

And all I can think is, I need to see the best in him. Lord help me to see the best in him.

The verse: He is mine. I am his. It doesn't matter what I did. Cuz He only sees me for who I am.

Repeats over and over and over.

And all I hear is: He is mine, I am his. It doesn't matter what he's done. Cuz I need to see him for who he is.

Lord, months ago You told me that he needs me to believe in him. I said to you, I believe in You, Lord, but how can i believe in Him? I don't know how to do that.

This morning. I know that I need to believe in him. I have to be able to believe in him. If I cannot believe in him, however can we stand?

'See him as I see him, Rosheeda. I see in full. You only see in part. There is more than what you see. All you can see is what you see. But there is more. See him with My heart.'

Lord, I want to believe in him. I need to believe in him....

A couple conversations from the weekend have rattled in my head for days now. Finally, God speaks to them...

'I took you as my bride even when I knew that you weren't ready to give me your life. I loved you long before you loved Me. I gave you My all. I gave you My best because I saw in you what you couldn't see in yourself. Taking you into Myself, calling you My own had nothing to do with your rightness or wrongness. It had everything to do with who I knew you were, even then.'

Lord. You loved me when I wasn't loveable. You loved me with no condemnation and no judgement. You paid for me. You gave everything You had for me. Because You found me worthy even though I didn't.... God. I dont have a right to judge him. I dont have a right to condemn him. Even though he's hurt me. Even though I feel this pain at his hands. I dont have a right to condemn him. Because You have never condemned me. You loved me. Christ didn't want to sacrifice his life for me. But he trusted YOU and he did as You asked. He didn't trust ME to honor his sacrifice. He trusted YOU to make the sacrifice worth while. He trusted YOU to redeem his life - because he gave his all for me. I don't have a right to judge him Lord...


'Rosheeda, I need you to be Christ to him. I need him to see My love in your sacrifice.'

'Lead him to freedom.'

Lord I wish I could say to You that You're God and I'm not. You gave Your all to me, but You had the advantage of knowing the outcome. But I can't say that. You've told me the outcome. Christ had to trust YOU to redeem the sacrifice; he didn't want to either, but You had also given him the grace of knowing the outcome. What You said had to live in his heart. He had to believe You even though he couldn't see the wisdom in the choice. So... I know the outcome....

Lord, Christ took my shame as his own. He took my failure upon himself and he paid for me. I dont have a right to judge. I dont have a right to condemn. I dont have a right to turn away.

Christ-likeness. Identity in Christ. Crucified with Christ... is that what this is? Is that how this looks?

My family Lord...

My daddy's words come back to me... 'You love that young man. You have for a long time. I owe you an apology. I've never taught you that it's ok to believe in a man. There's nothing wrong with believing in him. It's ok that you love him, that you believe in him. I should've taught you that.'

But God...

'It's ok to believe in him. It isn't wrong that you see his potential. That you see who he is outside his failure. Allow yourself to believe in him.'

And all I can think is 'Momma believed in Daddy. She chose to believe. She chose to obey.'

'Who you believe he is, is who he will become. He will live up (or down) to your expecations of him. Believe Me. Believe in him. Believe in who I've destined him to be - even though what you see doesn't seem to match. I see what you cannot. I know what you do not. You may not be able to trust him right now. But you can trust Me.'

'Your heart is precious to Me. I will protect it. I will not allow you to hurt this way ever again.'

Someone said to me, God won't force you to do what you dont' want to do.

But...God asks of us often to do what we dont want to do, doesn't He? Isn't most everything He asks of us something we don't want to do, because it goes against what is natural and instinctive?...

Lord, am I missing it here? Do I have the option of not doing this?

'You have the option. But you will do what I ask of you. I will not force. I cannot force I do not force. I ask. Your heart is soft enough for Me that you will do as I ask. Faith leads you to submit to My request.'

Hosea. God, did Hosea WANT to marry Gomer? Did he love her? Would You have asked him to take her as his wife if he did not desire that with her? Did love come first, did he want her,truly? Or did he act out of obedience and faith?

2 When the LORD began to speak through Hosea, the LORD said to him, "Go, take to yourself an adulterous wife and children of unfaithfulness...3 So he married Gomer daughter of Diblaim...

Well... i guess that's my answer. Doesn't say what Hosea wanted. Doesn't address how he felt. Doesn't allude at all to where his heart was. All scripture says is that God said so. And Hosea obeyed.

Ok Lord....

Alright... I believe You Lord.

I believe You.

My arms are weak. My foot is slipping. I need to see You...  Please....

*trying to get back up and keep going; trying to hold on to His Voice and His Word. Choosing to believe that His word will live and be proven true for me like it did and was for Hosea.*

I'm choosing Your way Lord.... I'm choosing You....