Monday, November 12, 2012

It Was a Set-Up

*warning... VERY ANGRY POST... don't say I didn't warn you*

All this giving up of my right to be obnoxiously hurt and offended by all this mess. It was a set-up.

All this giving up my will. It was a set-up.

Because now all i feel is a brokenness in the depths of my spirit that I am lost to process.

But there has to be something... some way to do this... cuz this CANNOT continue this way.

The depth of this hurt is more than I care to deal with for any prolonged period of time.

The sheer control it is taking not to just sit and cry and wail is ridiculous.

I'm tired of crying behind other people's foolishness. I'm tired of being the example. I'm tired of being the brave one, the one who does what's right, the one who sacrifices on behalf of the masses at this point in my life.

Had I known 'yes' would look like this, I woulda kept on doin my own thing.

Because really.

I am flatly PISSED OFF and UNINTERESTED in what anybody else needs right now. FORGET what he needs. HE did this. I did not.

He gets to break me inside and I get to stay and put up w/this foolishness? I'm not diggin' that. Not even a little bit.

THIS is the very reason that when this all started with me and him I wouldnt' let him get close. I give in and let him, and this is where we end up?


I dont have words for this. Not at all.

And what pisses me off the most is that I'm this angry and this hurt inside, KNOWING that we're gonna be fine. I wasn't lying when I said there is real freedom in this. Because there is. A ton of it. I know full well that at the end of the day things are going to be fine...

What I DON'T know is how alright with that fact, I really am.

Sounds dumb right? I should be happy, right? Becauase I love him he loves me and God will have done an amazing thing. I'm sure I should be happy about that.

But I'm not. Because this feels like he gets a frikkin'' REWARD for what his selfishness and foolishness has brought to the table. He gets to ..... AND keep me?! WHAT is that?!

He gets to be 'not brave', but when he needs me... when he finds the courage to talk to me, to be with me, I'm supposed to go with that? No resistance... No hesitation... no change in my disposition or demeanor.


When exactly did I become She-ra? When exactly did it become a reasonable expectation to ask me to exhibit this RIDICULOUS amount of grace toward him AND the intruders? When exactly did I become some emotional Hercules?!

You gotta be kiddin' me.

I am so OVER THIS. Let 'em have it.

If he thinks the other option is the better one, let 'em have it. Let him figure this stupidness out on his own. Let him fall flat on his blasted face when he figures out that what he's callin loyal is a buncha foolishness rooted in the same selfishness that has landed us in this very unfortunate moment in time.


And then when he figures it out, lemme be so far gone and over this that this whole scene is not even a second thought.

That's what the absolutely 'Rosheeda' side of me is saying... Because the me that he has never properly met -  THAT version of myself would not have dealt with most of what came before this. But she certainly... MOST CERTAINLY... would not accept this at all. Not on any level. And if she did, she would be punishin' the devil outa him. Cuz the ONLY interaction would be on her terms. And that good ole vanishing act? It would be his reality. He would look up one day and realize that he hasnt spoke to or seen or even had a whiff of my existence and when he came  lookin, he'd have no idea where to find me. Cuz i'd be out.

But then God came along and put this version of me to sleep. She's dead and gone. And that really pisses me off in moments like this one when people have gone one step too far in taking advantage of what they see as a sweet gentle patient spirit. Because really. Maybe if I was just a raving WITCH he wouldn't have had the nerve to pull this stunt.


God was right (like He's ever NOT right). This is not anger.This is flat-out rage. And it has GOT to go. Cuz if my mind & heart keep on trynna travel this road, that old girl is gonna rise up and act like herself. And it's gon' be bad. Real bad.


I really wish it was somebody else's turn to grow the &^%$ up and get over themselves.

Really I do.

I've Half a Mind....

... to call him and tell him to come get me so we can talk.

And then I've half a mind to tell him to tell her that he's done so that we can get on with life, that even though he doesn't think he's capable of more or deserving of more I do. And that my thoughts on the matter, my confidence in who he REALLY is - because this foolishness is so not that - is enough to carry us both until he finds it in himself to see himself thru God's eyes.

I just want to take him and hold his face between my hands and pour my heart for him into him until he believes that my thoughts of him are his own thoughts of him. I want to kiss his face, his eyes and share with him the tenderness that exists for him even outside my hurt.

I want to make it better for him. I want make him feel like he's Superman in my eyes. Because even though I'm strugglin' right now, I haven't forgotten what's beautiful about him.

I want to sit with his head in my lap, my hand stroking his hair. And I want to tell him all the ways I see God in him.

I want to build him up.

I want so desperately for him to look at himself in a mirror and not see his past or even his present. I want him to see the wonder of what God is doing and will do in him.

I want him to know my Jesus intimately.

He's saved.

But that's not enough.

I want him to be in love with my Jesus.

I want his life to speak of God's goodness and life-ttransforming power.

I want so much for him... so much...

My spirit just grieves right now. The ache is so deep for him to see Jesus for himself. Not just thru the traditions of a church full of corrupt and falliable man. But thru the eyes of the Father. I want God to be his Teacher, his Comforter, his Confidant, his Master.

I want God to be his Everything.

I want God's word to come alive. I want His Voice to drive the most intimate of details of my H's heart and plan.

I want H's whole life to be an act of worship.

So help me, in spite of everything else that I feel and all the emotion that pervades my OWN corrupt heart, the part of me that is ever aware of the magnitude of what God wants from and for my H wants desperately to see that work complete in him and would do anything to make sure it comes to pass.

The one thought that has been trying to rest on me all day is that he doesn't know his own worth. He doesn't see himself properly, so he cannot see anyone else in the same way. He doesnt have any idea why I'd choose to stay. And if he's honest w/himself, he's too afraid to ask. He's just waiting on me to tell him I cant do this. Just waiting on me to tell him to go ahead build that life and I'll lick my wounds and move on.

And that just makes my spirit want to hold him close and soothe his fear and his worry. Because the fact is, I'm here because of love. Im staying because of love....

I prayed long ago, my life for his. I asked God to accept my sacrfice and give him new life, real life, abundant life. I didn't know how it'd look. But here we are.

And what's rising up in me today is... my life for his... He needs life more than I need comfort. He needs Jesus far more than I need not to be ashamed. He needs freedom from bondage - of his own making and of that from generation foolishness - far more than I need to feel like he's sufficiently contrite towards me.

This is a stretch, to be sure. But this is not a game, it's not a joke. This is about his life. His children. Our children. They cannot be sacrificed at the altar of my entitlement and the idol of my own comfort.

The price is too high to walk away.

So I guess that means it's worth it to stay....

Lord, I dunno what You're doin in me.I dunno who's praying for me. But thank you for that,God. I need it. I needed today to see with a surrendered heart. I needed the grace of understanding on a deeper level. Thank you Lord. And I praise You for what has already been finished in heaven. Thank you God. Draw H close to you and whisper sweet love songs. Woo him into the desert so that together we can find the promised land. My life for his. Our life for You. Not our will be done, Lord, but Your will be done. No man can make straight what You have made crooked. So prove to them that YOU made it crooked and lead him back to the path that You made straight just for him. I love You Lord and I'm grateful. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Today is Tuesday - Here Are My Ten Things!!!

XBOX Wife Ten Things Tuesday

Jill, I'm on time this week (well, almost)!!! YAY!!!

Ok, now for my ten things. (lemme see if I can pull this off. I've had all day to get it right... Let's see what I got):

  1. I'm not who I was. I'm able to handle the same sorts of situations now in a way that I couldn't one year ago. And to my joy and amazement, I've discovered that much of it just doesn't matter anymore. So freeing.
  2. I have had a challenge to face this last few weeks - a huge sacrifice (huge to me but maybe not to anyone else) and I've done it. Today is day 23 without breaking my commitment. God has made His Grace real to me in this 'habit reformation' process. Gotta love it.
  3. My life is where it should be, however akward it seems sometimes. And that's plenty of cause to be grateful.
  4. Rain. I love it.
  5. Spring. I love it as much as I love rain.
  6. I/M. It is the best invention ever, next to cell phones.
  7. Today is Tuesday. That means tomorrow is Wednesday. And that would mean this week is 1/2 over.
  8. For a hide-away. Sometimes a person just needs to rest.
  9. The colors of new life. It reminds me that just like nature is entering into a new season of birth and growth, so am I - and it's a season I've longed for.
  10. That although it took me 20 minutes I could come up with 9 other things to be thankful for, in the midst of a stressful week.

Go to Jill's Spot and make this happen people!

Saturday, November 10, 2012

A Beautiful Journey

It seems to me that the changes I most want to see are the ones I'm afraid I will never see.

I spend so much time worrying, praying, and crying over 'em and then out of nowhere they manifest.

Like a ton of bricks they fall and they do it as quietly as if they had fallen in a forest made of cotton.

They sneak up on you and they are so smooth with it, you don't realize they've even come until the time to acknowledge them has past.

You know how they do - like that smooth suave debonair sexy man with the sultry voice and bedroom eyes. He slides in, seduces you with his all his suave - leaving you breathless - and then as quickly as he came, he's gone.

I'm learning that these are the building blocks of faith. These moments are the ones on which trust is established.

You know, He told me things would happen in leaps and bounds. I thought 'ok. it'll be another year or two then before I see any of this so let me not just get my hopes up and let me just ride it out and be easy w/this current place. Let a sista just relax and settle in for the ride.'

So I did.

Then out of nowhere, I start having all these deep moments - like the one mentioned above - and my mind is just blown.

LOL, I think I vaguely remember praying something like this: 'Lord let me just enjoy the journey. Let me not be so intent on getting to the end that I miss the beauty in the process. I want all the sweetness along the way. Please just let me enjoy the journey.'

And as my ton of bricks finally made an impact on my heart Wednesday, I had the distinct impression of the glint of laughter in a Father's eyes and deep joy that His daughter is so taken with how He's orchestrated this thing.

I told Jenn that I feel like Sarah when she laughed at the Messenger who told her she would convcieve a child with her husband - even though she was 50 Million and 1/2 years old (taken from another friend), and then actually wound up pregnant. Cuz He told me two years ago that it would all come together and that I would not be shamed in my choice to obey. I all but laughed in His face - but I obeyed. And come to find out, He told the truth. I am not being shamed. I'm being proven wise on this deal.

So, in that moment I rejoiced - and am still rejoicing now. Because I didn't earn this moment. He just gave it to me. I could never in all my years earn this sort of sweetness. That God loves me enough to just give them to me tells me that I'm loved.

Truly, Madly, Deeply Loved.

Thank you. I love you and I am so proud of the man you're becoming. God did a good thing giving you to me. I cherish you. I cherish this journey. You make God's grace and His love real to me. You're weathering this season like a pro and you will reap one-hundred fold from this sowing. Ride or Die, Love.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

My Mind Just Won't Be Quiet...

It is extremely early and I'm up... because I have to actually work today.

imagine that...

anyway. I'm certainly not sitting down at 6 a.m. to blog about the fact that I'm going to work.

My mind is just 'on'... and shutting it down doesn't seem to be happening. So I thought that maybe if I blog some of the thoughts in my brain might decide to take a break - at least for a little while.

So, I did make an attempt to hide out this weekend. And well... an attempt it was... And it ended with a new desire to go back under a rock and just not re-emerge - not anytime soon. But no worries. I was forced to show my face - which was probably a good thing in hindsight.

Honestly, it felt like Friday opened Pandora's box emotionally. I mean... to this point, the lid has come off for a while but then it goes back on when it gets to be too much. But this time. It came off and it STAYED off. And I'm not comfortable with that.

Because well, there are those who thrive on anger and hurt. The rush of all that emotion and the passion and surge of ... whatever it is.... that comes with it... As crazy as I think it is, there really are those who get off on this sort of thing. But... that's not me. And it's not that i'm not comfortable w/the feelings... not entirely. It's more that I simply dont LIKE them. I dont like what it produces in my heart or my spirit. I dont like the thoughts that come or the powerlessness that I feel knowing that I'm being attakced and not being sure that I'm strong enough to stand under the assault.

This weekend... It just took me there. And in the middle of all that showed up, i felt God saying 'move forward'. Days later, I'm still grasping that. I get it. I got it when He said it. I just don't really know how to prepare for it... I know that some things you just have to do; there is no preparing. And I guess maybe I should be ok with that. But I'm not sure I am.

I mean... Sunday night when I got home and settled down and allowed myself to take in what the Lord was saying to me, I was able to genuinely commit to moving forward. With H. (Because this weekend, it wasnt the moving forward that was problematic. It was the moving forward TOGETHER that I wasn't so into.) But I digress... Anyway...

Having surrendered myself to that instruction, now comes the tricky part... accepting the Word the Lord has been speaking. Accepting what I can see is really gonna be a challenge when it comes to my people. Being ok with the fact that I'm not gonna be spared the headache or the heartache of other people's tactless, thoughtless, judgemental, critcal whateverness. And really. For a buncha strangers. It's not a big deal. But for people who I'm stuck with for the rest of my life. It's a big deal. It matters to me. And somehow, I've gotta shut that down.

Because if there is any hope of us being in-tact at the end of this road, then I've gotta accept that they are, in fact, NOT going to be gracious to us. And that I will, in fact, need to steel myself to face the criticism and the crucifixtion that's comin.

Somehow that needs to happen...

It just has to.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Laughter... And The Lord

There is so much amazingness happening around me that everytime something new happens, all I know to do is sit back and laugh. It really really is breathtaking and mindblowing.

So... over the next couple of days, expect lots of giggly goofy hilarity from me.


HA!!!!! God is just so BEYOND GOOD! OH MY GOODNESS!!!
I'll be back, people. Not to worry. I want to contaminate all ya'll with my special brand of giddy.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012


... has been emotionally taxing.

One of the partners of my company passed away early this morning. And add to that an already frustrated me because of some other work-related things and I'm just WORN OUT.

Can ya pray for 3 things for me?

1) AN ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT - I'm sweet as punch, but once I'm frustrated or not sure I can trust you, you can pretty much kiss any hope of not knowing how I feel good-bye. I need to use some self-control and let the Lord handle this one; Cuz if not, I"ll pull THEIR hair out. (I need mine; I have to look good. *grins*)

2) The parnter who passed: his son. He is taking his father's place. He has worked all day today and taking on the position of partner in this company is going to be a major upheaval in his life. Pray that he has the strength and heart to do the necessary things and to realign his life in the way that God has for him.


3) FATHER!!!!! PLEASE pray that this thing with my work is resolved soon. I need this project to finish up already. Doggoneit. Then maybe the two of the partners who I am considering giving new hairstyles to will be a bit easier to handle - or at least BLOCK.

What??? A sista can't be all loveable all the time. Least I didn't pull one of my daddy's move and threaten to take em to the country and leave em in all that red dirt, never to be seen again. (What can I say; some things call for drastic measures, people!)

Seriously, please pray.

Thanks and I love ya'll.


Friday, November 2, 2012

The Mind of Christ Experiment - 30 Days... Let's See What God Does

Hey All -

I'm not sure who all reads my blog, but if you do, please check out this post at SUM.

Good stuff, people. Good stuff.

I'm doing it. Just get a journal. We start today. I will send the letter Lynn sent out to everyone who wanted to participate.

Email me if you want to be part (or go to SUM and e-mail Lynn).

Love ya'll and I can't wait to see what God does with this.


Thursday, November 1, 2012

It's Been A Minute

It's early Sunday morning. I'm up and I'm goin to church. And not only am I going, I am also singing in the choir today for the first time in a very long time....

This hasn't happened for months (me going to church) and it's been even longer since I sang at church.

Wonder what it'll feel like...

Have a great day!

On Purpose

The last few days I've been thinking of intentional living. What does it mean? How does it look? What does it entail? Is it even a possibility?

I've heard so many people say that life just happens. I watch so many people live life like it's just a series of unconnected disjointed events and like their only option is to forever react to the life that just seems to leap out at them. They are forever in clean-up mode - so busy picking up pieces at every turn that they never get around to stepping back, taking inventory and making deliberate choices to get to the sort of life that is lived not free of surprises, but full of purpose and the preparedness that comes from purposely choosing to live well.

No praying. No seeking God. No searching His word. No inviting Him in to search your heart or show you a new way. Just forever flitting from what sounds good, feels good, and looks good at the time - hoping all the while that in the end the fallout wont be too great.

But i get it. I totally get why this way of life would be more appealing on the surface. It's totally fleshly. No repsonsiblity rests with you and all the banal little cliches make it easy to discount your laziness and lack of discipline as 'just life'. Who doesn't want, at some point or another, to just throw caution to the wind and feel good for the moment? I totally get it.

I just dont think it makes much sense.

Intentional life, life full of purpose, life filled with thoughtful consideration of decisions in light of the bigger picture  - the effects long term of our choices and how other people will be impacted by the way we choose to live - it is HARD. Beyond hard. It requires a level of self-awareness, control and spiritual maturity that it takes a literal lifetime to develop.

It is not for the faint of heart.

But for the Believer, it is exactly what we are called to do and how we are calle to live. Every choice has reaching lasting lingering effects. Every thought we espouse, every word we speak, every action we take. It all impacts something or someone, and we will all be called to answer for choosing to live well or not.

Intentional life is the difference in making a good choice and making the BESTchoice. It is knowing what is alright and what is exquisite. It is knowing that even though you hae a right, that for which you have been given RESPONSIBILITY needs to prevail.

Everyone and everything has a set of rights; the clearest sign that we are seeking God and learning to live life with deliberate purpose is consistent conduct that says that we know that our rights must always take a back seat to what IS right.

Exercising our rights gives us license to act in our flesh. Walking in righteousness requires us to act in the manner becoming a co-heir with Christ.

A life that is not lived intentionally is a life that is not well-lived.

I hope that I model for those around me purposed, deliberate, calculated, thoughtfully considered life. Because I want them to live that way for me. That's where love shines and that's how I want to love, be loved.

That's how I want to be remembered. Not because I'm a nice girl. Not because I'm sweet or smart or charming or a good teacher or writer. But that I lived well and that I loved well. That my whole purpose was an intentional display of righteousness and that flaws and all, my life was a composite reflection of that desire and commitment.

Intentional living.

It is hard. But it is worth it... it is most definitely worth it....