It is extremely early and I'm up... because I have to actually work today.
imagine that...
anyway. I'm certainly not sitting down at 6 a.m. to blog about the fact that I'm going to work.
My mind is just 'on'... and shutting it down doesn't seem to be happening. So I thought that maybe if I blog some of the thoughts in my brain might decide to take a break - at least for a little while.
So, I did make an attempt to hide out this weekend. And well... an attempt it was... And it ended with a new desire to go back under a rock and just not re-emerge - not anytime soon. But no worries. I was forced to show my face - which was probably a good thing in hindsight.
Honestly, it felt like Friday opened Pandora's box emotionally. I mean... to this point, the lid has come off for a while but then it goes back on when it gets to be too much. But this time. It came off and it STAYED off. And I'm not comfortable with that.
Because well, there are those who thrive on anger and hurt. The rush of all that emotion and the passion and surge of ... whatever it is.... that comes with it... As crazy as I think it is, there really are those who get off on this sort of thing. But... that's not me. And it's not that i'm not comfortable w/the feelings... not entirely. It's more that I simply dont LIKE them. I dont like what it produces in my heart or my spirit. I dont like the thoughts that come or the powerlessness that I feel knowing that I'm being attakced and not being sure that I'm strong enough to stand under the assault.
This weekend... It just took me there. And in the middle of all that showed up, i felt God saying 'move forward'. Days later, I'm still grasping that. I get it. I got it when He said it. I just don't really know how to prepare for it... I know that some things you just have to do; there is no preparing. And I guess maybe I should be ok with that. But I'm not sure I am.
I mean... Sunday night when I got home and settled down and allowed myself to take in what the Lord was saying to me, I was able to genuinely commit to moving forward. With H. (Because this weekend, it wasnt the moving forward that was problematic. It was the moving forward TOGETHER that I wasn't so into.) But I digress... Anyway...
Having surrendered myself to that instruction, now comes the tricky part... accepting the Word the Lord has been speaking. Accepting what I can see is really gonna be a challenge when it comes to my people. Being ok with the fact that I'm not gonna be spared the headache or the heartache of other people's tactless, thoughtless, judgemental, critcal whateverness. And really. For a buncha strangers. It's not a big deal. But for people who I'm stuck with for the rest of my life. It's a big deal. It matters to me. And somehow, I've gotta shut that down.
Because if there is any hope of us being in-tact at the end of this road, then I've gotta accept that they are, in fact, NOT going to be gracious to us. And that I will, in fact, need to steel myself to face the criticism and the crucifixtion that's comin.
Somehow that needs to happen...
It just has to.
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