*warning... VERY ANGRY POST... don't say I didn't warn you*
All this giving up of my right to be obnoxiously hurt and offended by all this mess. It was a set-up.
All this giving up my will. It was a set-up.
Because now all i feel is a brokenness in the depths of my spirit that I am lost to process.
But there has to be something... some way to do this... cuz this CANNOT continue this way.
The depth of this hurt is more than I care to deal with for any prolonged period of time.
The sheer control it is taking not to just sit and cry and wail is ridiculous.
I'm tired of crying behind other people's foolishness. I'm tired of being the example. I'm tired of being the brave one, the one who does what's right, the one who sacrifices on behalf of the masses at this point in my life.
Had I known 'yes' would look like this, I woulda kept on doin my own thing.
I am flatly PISSED OFF and UNINTERESTED in what anybody else needs right now. FORGET what he needs. HE did this. I did not.
He gets to break me inside and I get to stay and put up w/this foolishness? I'm not diggin' that. Not even a little bit.
THIS is the very reason that when this all started with me and him I wouldnt' let him get close. I give in and let him, and this is where we end up?
I am SO PISSED.
I dont have words for this. Not at all.
And what pisses me off the most is that I'm this angry and this hurt inside, KNOWING that we're gonna be fine. I wasn't lying when I said there is real freedom in this. Because there is. A ton of it. I know full well that at the end of the day things are going to be fine...
What I DON'T know is how alright with that fact, I really am.
Sounds dumb right? I should be happy, right? Becauase I love him he loves me and God will have done an amazing thing. I'm sure I should be happy about that.
But I'm not. Because this feels like he gets a frikkin'' REWARD for what his selfishness and foolishness has brought to the table. He gets to ..... AND keep me?! WHAT is that?!
He gets to be 'not brave', but when he needs me... when he finds the courage to talk to me, to be with me, I'm supposed to go with that? No resistance... No hesitation... no change in my disposition or demeanor.
When exactly did I become She-ra? When exactly did it become a reasonable expectation to ask me to exhibit this RIDICULOUS amount of grace toward him AND the intruders? When exactly did I become some emotional Hercules?!
You gotta be kiddin' me.
I am so OVER THIS. Let 'em have it.
If he thinks the other option is the better one, let 'em have it. Let him figure this stupidness out on his own. Let him fall flat on his blasted face when he figures out that what he's callin loyal is a buncha foolishness rooted in the same selfishness that has landed us in this very unfortunate moment in time.
LET HIM HAVE THIS TRASH.
And then when he figures it out, lemme be so far gone and over this that this whole scene is not even a second thought.
That's what the absolutely 'Rosheeda' side of me is saying... Because the me that he has never properly met - THAT version of myself would not have dealt with most of what came before this. But she certainly... MOST CERTAINLY... would not accept this at all. Not on any level. And if she did, she would be punishin' the devil outa him. Cuz the ONLY interaction would be on her terms. And that good ole vanishing act? It would be his reality. He would look up one day and realize that he hasnt spoke to or seen or even had a whiff of my existence and when he came lookin, he'd have no idea where to find me. Cuz i'd be out.
But then God came along and put this version of me to sleep. She's dead and gone. And that really pisses me off in moments like this one when people have gone one step too far in taking advantage of what they see as a sweet gentle patient spirit. Because really. Maybe if I was just a raving WITCH he wouldn't have had the nerve to pull this stunt.
God was right (like He's ever NOT right). This is not anger.This is flat-out rage. And it has GOT to go. Cuz if my mind & heart keep on trynna travel this road, that old girl is gonna rise up and act like herself. And it's gon' be bad. Real bad.
I really wish it was somebody else's turn to grow the &^%$ up and get over themselves.
Really I do.