I've Half a Mind....

... to call him and tell him to come get me so we can talk.

And then I've half a mind to tell him to tell her that he's done so that we can get on with life, that even though he doesn't think he's capable of more or deserving of more I do. And that my thoughts on the matter, my confidence in who he REALLY is - because this foolishness is so not that - is enough to carry us both until he finds it in himself to see himself thru God's eyes.

I just want to take him and hold his face between my hands and pour my heart for him into him until he believes that my thoughts of him are his own thoughts of him. I want to kiss his face, his eyes and share with him the tenderness that exists for him even outside my hurt.

I want to make it better for him. I want make him feel like he's Superman in my eyes. Because even though I'm strugglin' right now, I haven't forgotten what's beautiful about him.

I want to sit with his head in my lap, my hand stroking his hair. And I want to tell him all the ways I see God in him.

I want to build him up.

I want so desperately for him to look at himself in a mirror and not see his past or even his present. I want him to see the wonder of what God is doing and will do in him.

I want him to know my Jesus intimately.

He's saved.

But that's not enough.

I want him to be in love with my Jesus.

I want his life to speak of God's goodness and life-ttransforming power.

I want so much for him... so much...

My spirit just grieves right now. The ache is so deep for him to see Jesus for himself. Not just thru the traditions of a church full of corrupt and falliable man. But thru the eyes of the Father. I want God to be his Teacher, his Comforter, his Confidant, his Master.

I want God to be his Everything.

I want God's word to come alive. I want His Voice to drive the most intimate of details of my H's heart and plan.

I want H's whole life to be an act of worship.

So help me, in spite of everything else that I feel and all the emotion that pervades my OWN corrupt heart, the part of me that is ever aware of the magnitude of what God wants from and for my H wants desperately to see that work complete in him and would do anything to make sure it comes to pass.

The one thought that has been trying to rest on me all day is that he doesn't know his own worth. He doesn't see himself properly, so he cannot see anyone else in the same way. He doesnt have any idea why I'd choose to stay. And if he's honest w/himself, he's too afraid to ask. He's just waiting on me to tell him I cant do this. Just waiting on me to tell him to go ahead build that life and I'll lick my wounds and move on.

And that just makes my spirit want to hold him close and soothe his fear and his worry. Because the fact is, I'm here because of love. Im staying because of love....

I prayed long ago, my life for his. I asked God to accept my sacrfice and give him new life, real life, abundant life. I didn't know how it'd look. But here we are.

And what's rising up in me today is... my life for his... He needs life more than I need comfort. He needs Jesus far more than I need not to be ashamed. He needs freedom from bondage - of his own making and of that from generation foolishness - far more than I need to feel like he's sufficiently contrite towards me.

This is a stretch, to be sure. But this is not a game, it's not a joke. This is about his life. His children. Our children. They cannot be sacrificed at the altar of my entitlement and the idol of my own comfort.

The price is too high to walk away.

So I guess that means it's worth it to stay....

Lord, I dunno what You're doin in me.I dunno who's praying for me. But thank you for that,God. I need it. I needed today to see with a surrendered heart. I needed the grace of understanding on a deeper level. Thank you Lord. And I praise You for what has already been finished in heaven. Thank you God. Draw H close to you and whisper sweet love songs. Woo him into the desert so that together we can find the promised land. My life for his. Our life for You. Not our will be done, Lord, but Your will be done. No man can make straight what You have made crooked. So prove to them that YOU made it crooked and lead him back to the path that You made straight just for him. I love You Lord and I'm grateful. In Jesus' Name. Amen.