Sunday, August 12, 2012

Prayer Request

I need some help you guys. I need as many people as possible praying with me this afternoon.

My office has agreed to fast lunch - which would that we will not eat until dinner time this evening. We are needing to see the Lord move in a very swift specific way for the transaction we are trying to finalize. Please pray with us that God's Will be done, that His Provision be made, that every heart is obedient to His Will alone and that He deals with each of us personally regarding our conduct and our attitudes.

If you want, you can email me: .


Change Is The Only Constant We Really Have

"The only thing that is normal is change."

Those are words I have yet to truly accept.

As much as I have experienced and endured change, I gotta admit, this concept is one of the hardest for me to grasp.

I do not like change. I never have.

Because it means that I am no longer 'comfortable'. And that just messes me all up.

But I have to admit, as I go, I realize that the dislike of change is really just fear in a very clever disguise. Fear of the cost, fear of loss, fear of the unknown. It's just fear. And it's not at all of the Lord. Because that isn't a spirit that He gives to us.

One thing that has dawned on me fresh and new, again and again lately, is that God is sovereign. Absolutely sovereign. So there is no reason to be afraid or unsure, if you are walking in His Will. He's gonna do what He says. If He speaks it, He has to honor it. And not only does He have to, He wants to. He delights in giving us the desires of our hearts. And then to top all that off, He is powerful enough to do anything He chooses. So the promises that He makes, He's not making them based on IF He can do it. He's making them BECAUSE He can do it.

Cling to that, and just rest in it the next time you start to think a situation, cirucmstance, or person is too big for God.

Love ya'll.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Who Am I?

This is a really interesting question. It was posed to me on yesterday and I stared blankly at the man who asked.

And proceeded to give him my first name.

Again, he asks me 'who ARE you?'

So I gave him my LAST name.

Once again, 'But Rosheeda, who ARE you?'

And once again. He gets no answer.

So he decides to explain to me what he means:
"My name is Mr. X. I am a brother, son, father, teacher. I do x, y, z thing. Yadda yadda. Whoop-tee-woo..."

And again, I'm looking at him like, whatever man.

Now, I understood the question he was asking. I just wasn't sure he was due the privilege of an answer. Because after all, who I am, is a pretty personal question.

In all his talking, Mr. X did make one very good point: Most people can't answer the question, because they don't really know who they were made to be. They don't really know themselves, to give a true response.

He's right. We work so hard to become who people expect us to be, or who we THINK we should be. Very rarely do most people discover who they were really CREATED to be. And even more rarely, do most people walk in that revelation.

I've been allowed to unlock the doors that reveal to me who I am. And who I was created to be. And I've been given the privilege of working to get to the place where the two are now the same.


If someone asked you "Who are you?", what would you tell them?

Would you even know the answer yourself?

Something to think about...



is better than Saturday.


It's really kinda eerie,actually. lately I've been up early, and God has had lots to say. But today, right now. He's silent.

Which is strange.

The conclusion to all my ranting is this: God is still God. Grace is due because grace has been given. Forgiveness and grace. These things are two cornerstones for us. And although that could seem sad, it really isn't. Every trial and every test does more to show us that we have the foundation it takes to last a lifetime.

This moment's pain does not have to be tomorrow's regret.

The mistakes we make as people do not have to categorize our lives.

My foundation with Christ.. the cornerstones are forgiveness and grace, love and commitment.

If we're gonna reflect Him in us, then it would only be fitting that our cornerstones are the same. Forgiveness, grace, love and commitment.

I dont know what's next. Not how it looks or how I will feel. Not what it will cost either of us. But I do know this: God is faithful and just to keep His promises. What we see is not always what truly is, and how we feel is often-times not a reflection of God's perspective.

My feelings, they're real. My frustration and all that. It's legitimate.

But the fact is this: God says 'get over it'. He says look at it and see past it. See with My heart and My eyes. Love him anyway. Forgive because I have forgiven you.

To take a stand against what God calls right is to negate my claim that God is my everything. To disobey now is to forfeit all that I've worked for and stood for.

To turn my back now costs too much. His life matters more than my pride. God's work in my man is significantly more important than my right to ... anything.

And lemme just keep it real. He's not the only flawed one. I have my own foolishness too. And even though I'm the one dolin' out significant grace right now, there will be a day before it's all said and done when HE will be the one having to forgive me a transgression that leaves him wounded and vulnerable to something that can only be fixed by God's direct intervention. Not because I plan to do something silly, but because I'm human. Extremely human. It's almost inevitable that he's gonna pay a cost for me too.

Love keeps no record of wrongs. It does not envy or boast. It always hopes, always trusts,always perseveres. Love never fails... When I was a child I spoke as a child, reasoned as a child. When I became a man I put away childish things.

That we may be characterized by grace. May we each forgive as You have forgiven us. May we keep no record of wrongs. May we each count the other as better than ourselves. May we walk in love and respect. Father, that we would find favor in eachother's sight. That Love would prevail and that pain would not rob us of the promise. I am my beloved's and he is mine. You wouldn't have brought us here if we couldn't get past this pain. This I believe with all my heart. For my poor sight, forgive me. For where I've missed his need. Forgive me. Release us Father into our promised land. Utterly destroy any attempt to put asunder what You have put together. Forgiveness,grace, love, commitment, humility, honesty, integrity,dignity, faithfulness, uncommon friendship. Lord let these words be the words of our story. Time i get past the 'why me' and enjoy the privilege of a front-row seat and a backstage pass to such a wonderful work of Your hands. Give us the answer we need God. Show us how to walk in wisdom for sweet boy and how to give our best to him. Show us how to love our enemy. Help us to look with compassion and usher them into Your intimacy through our prayers and our love. God help us as a couple to stand united and to present a clear picture of God at work in all things for our good and Your glory. I have failed to respect. He has failed to love. And together that makes us perfect candidates for restoration and redemption. We need you. Help me to take my right position and to do the things that are becoming of a woman who's banner is You. Help him to do the same as a man, entrusted with a gift of Your heart. We are flawed and imperfect. Often times we fail. But God, at the end of the day, all we want is abundant life. Life full of You. This unorthodox road... it would be enough to frighten anyone. But Father, let it not be a thing of fear, but an invitation to know You for real for real. Deeply and truly and in such a way that noone can shake the faith that You want so deeply to bestow. Let it not be a wedge between us, but a bond. Father, that we may be one.

for us both, and in Jesus' name.

Really?! Yeah. Not So Much.


The phone rings.

And of course, because he is who he is, he acts like he always does.

Bad move.

Combine this emotinoal wall, a tired me - as in have had no real sleep in two weeks, and a me who is just over this situation...

Talkin to me out the side of his head.

Bad move.

My words were few.

We will call that Jesus.

He backed off the conversation.

We will call that grace (to me).

He has now decided he wants some attention.

I call that ridiculous. God calls it my responsibility.

Guess that means I have to go. But uh... I'm not really even in the mood.

Maybe he thought the phone call made it better. I dunno.

Hope he didn't really believe that...

If he did, he's wrong.

Let's hope i can fake it for a few hours.

I'm so checked outta this thing...

I mean really.

So checked out that to tease with him just causes me physical discomfort.

Iwant him to go away.

But I think we covered that in my last post, right? This isn't about my want... It's about what God says is necessary...

So... well... let's hope need trumps want in my attitude real real soon.

that is all.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Choose Your Shame

This is what the Holy Spirit gave to me this morning, just as I was thinking He was just gonna stay silent today...

'Choose your shame... '

Again with this...

God, what does that mean?

'You have a choice to make. '

But Lord, we've talked about this. I already chose.

'A conversation is coming with H. He will ask you to choose. He will tell you what he wants, but he will ask you if you really can handle all that comes with choosing him... it's time for you to choose your shame.'

Ok. So. Again. What's that mean?

'No matter what choice you make, there will be some level of shame. Choosing to walk away will bring 'i told you so' and 'you were wrong about him' and all those things that have been spoken to you for so long. Choosing to stay will bring more scorn from your family. It will open the door to more judgement and criticism of H and your relationship. And of you, for choosing to stay.'

Well of course it will. Because anything else would be far too easy. *raised eyebrow, and rolling of the eyes*

And ya know. I guess maybe I should feel something more than the blah-ness I feel right now. But seriously. As far as my fam goes, this is really just only one more thing in a long line of all the things they've found objectionable so far. There's nothing new or surprising in that. Though I suppose for H, there is something terribly unsettling about all this. And I'm also sure that his heart hurts at the idea that i'll be 'bashed' some more for being with him (his words, not mine.)

Except that in my world, stay meant stay. And it meant that the decision to stay was made having considered all that it would bring. I know how it will look. I know that the peanut gallery will have more than enough 'wise counsel' to choke a mule. I know that it will all be in the name of 'my best interests' and such. Ain't nuthin' new about that conversation or line of reasoning.

And ain't nuthin new about God's instruction to me.

Don't get me wrong. I say this with the utmost respect. I love my people and they love me. I know they have my best interests at heart and I know that they dont want to see me hurt. Totally get that. And totally appreciate it.

But somewhere around month 5 or 6 of this ride, God told me plainly that I'll serve Him or my fam, but that I can't do both. And at this point, I'm just really too tired to even TRY to please everybody. I really am.

My poor baby. I feel bad for him. Cuz my fam is brutal. He knows how much it matters to me that they love him and that they see what I see. He won't even allow the words 'it doesn't matter' to leave my mouth at this point.

And he's right. It DOES matter. But not enough to change my mind. It doesn't matter enough for me to forfeit the very thing I've worked so hard to enjoy w/him. Not at all. There are worse things than this. I mean... it's pretty uncomfortable. And it's pretty inconvenient. But it is certainly not the worst thing that could've happened.

And amazingly, we are being made 'right' because of it. We are being made better for it all. This situation has been and Im sure will keep being a blessing to us both, separately and as a couple. It really is a blessing.

I dunno. Maybe the fact that I have seen from the start the way God is answering my prayers in this has some bearing on the relative 'ease' (for lack of a better word) of this choice. The more things unfold, the more I see God doing the work I've asked for in him and me and us. I know how badly we needed to be broken as a couple. And i know how completely this situation is doing that for us.We really genuinely are being given beauty for ashes. And that makes this worth the cost. The fact that, at the end of the day, the brokenness and pain leads to all the uncommon relationship characteristics I've asked that we be characterized by... that's enough for me. That's enough to make dealing with the peanut gallery worth it.

So this choice. It's already made. This choice is a given.

The answer is that I'll stay. Fully there. Fully engaged. Fully committed. Hard or not. I'll stay. We'll bear it together. And they'll all come around. They will see God's work and they will recognize God's hand in God's time. We can't force that. God has to open that door. And I'm sure it's gonna hurt. And I'm sure I'mma cry about it. And I"m sure i'mma wanna beat H with a wet noodle when they get ridiculous - cuz they will; i'm sure this will smart a little bit.

But I'm sure that God is bigger than their opinions, misgivings, and displeasure. And I'm sure that I can't live or love for them. Those choices are choices that are between me and my God.

I want their support, love, and respect. But I'll wait on God's timing for it. I have finally grown to a place of recognition in my own heart that I dont have to fit anybody's mold; nor am I responbile for their heart-condition as it relates to being willing to accept the Lord's plan for me - for us. Im only responsible - we're only responsible - to live life on God's terms.

My uncle's words come back as I type this: this is not about me or H or even our families so much. It's about the legacy of faith that God wants to establish in our children and their children and their children after them. Generations to come. Just like I've prayed.... and in light of that... their eternity is worth far more than my temporal rights.

What the Lord does, how He does what He does... that's His business... who is the clay to tell the Potter how it should be made or to dictate that for which it should be purposed?

I'm choosing with all clarity and in full awareness to remain faithful and committed to the man that the Lord has chosen for me to spend my life with. God has called him worthy and right, worth the work. I refuse to choose contrary to that...

I just wanna love my husband and children. I DO want our life and family. I absolutely need them in my life. Especially H. He makes me better. He challenges me to grow and to stretch - to step outside my box and to really live life. Loving him and trusting him may be a risk. But it's one I'm willing to take.

It's taken me a while but I want to live life on my own terms... do what brings me joy inside and what gives me rest and peace in my spirit.... I can't make anybody else undestand. But I surely can allow myself the pleasure of  the freedom to love my man without limits and without walls. Without fear or doubt or condemnation or shame.

And maybe that's the point. Maybe that's the whole key. To recognize that there really is no shame. I might be choosing persecution. There might be some shame, in the sense that we are gonna catch a lotta flak. But there is absolutely NO SHAME in loving H, believing in him, trusting him, working hard with him for something strong and lasting and good and worthwhile.There is not a lick of shame in that. None at all.

All that can come of such a choice is life. Abundant life. The life that God has promised in His word.

I'm not choosing shame. I'm choosing life. And freedom.

Absolute freedom.

God, You asked me to choose my shame. But I dont choose shame. I will accept the persecution that's bound to come. But i dont choose shame. I am NOT choosing shame. I'm choosing life. Full and free. God I choose life. Father thank you for the eternal work. Thank you for the legacy of faith you have established in us. Thank you for establishing us in righteousness. Thank you that there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. Remove the guilt from H and the sting of the consequence. Allow him to see that there is no shame and no judgement in the hearts that truly count. Thank you for freedom and for beauty instead of ashes. I love You Lord and I chooose freedom over comfort or convenience.

In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Angry girl...

has left the building.

And in her place is this chick who doesn't have much to say.

The feelings. They are not as strong as they have been. But they're just ... what they are... the willingness to obey. It's all still in-tact. But ... well... that's about it.

I am acutely aware that this is God's party, not mine. And that I am not the guest of honor; He is.

So I'm just kinda sitting back, observing and trying my best to just enjoy what God is doin in another area of my life, maybe even a couple areas.

I was convicted in service yesterday.... I couldn't take communion until I at least started the process of forgiving. So I did. And then we had special music and she mentioned Job 38. Where God tells Job to brace himself and then proceeds to remind Job that no matter what, exactly, he's goin thru, he is NOT God and has no right to question the ways of God. I read that and got told pretty much the same thing immediately upon finishing the chapter.

We then got into the sermon and our pastor ended up talking about Joseph and all that he was taken through in his pursuit of God. How at the end of it all, he was the one to feed the very ones who sold him off in the first place.How he told them 'what you meant for evil God used for good.' How he gave them an out , w/something along the lines of all is well...

And that weighs heavy on my heart. Because on the one hand, I can do that and I am working to do it and mean it. But on the other hand. I dunno about that one. That sorta maturity. Do I really possess it? Can I really look them in the face and say dont' worry about it. No matter what has happened, it's all good. Let's move on and make friends. Do I really have that  in me? ...

I'm guessin' so. Otherwise God wouldn't have allowed the situation to present itself in the first place.

The sad part of it all, is that what I'm being asked to give now - the thing that is so hard for me to genuinely surrender to now, in light of this whole situation... I was more than willing to extend that invitation before all this was revealed. I had decided in my heart a long time ago to give that SAME embrace. But now... I just dont know... now it's a trust thing. I didnt trust in full before, but I did at least in part and that allowed me a different confidence in this. Now. I dont trust at all. And that makes me leary of this whole next step. Because I am accepting that I am not judge and jury here. But, um... where is the protection in this - for me and for our relationship?

Anger is subsiding.

Hurt is living. And fear is wanting to jump on the bandwagon.

But I dont want to live in fear and I dont want to let this hurt turn to hard-heartedness and bitterness. I'd much prefer it dissipate and that what God is establishing in us truly live.

I WANT to do this. And I want to do it with class and with confidence. And with dignity. None of this forgiving, but forever accusing and snooping and doubting. I WANT to do it God's way. I really do...

I sensed it in my words yesterday as I prayed. I kept speaking forgivness, asking God to help me get there. And then that Joseph thing and I felt the resistance try and rise up, but I feel God's heavy hand of authority in me and I know that He isn't giving me a choice here. He's not asking me to consider it. He is instructing me to give as He has given to me. He is instructing me to trust.

And ya'll, that's a tough pill for me to swallow on a good day, when everything is everything - much less right now, when I'm climbing outta this deep hole in the ground.

I dunno. It feels soon. Real soon. Too soon. Maybe if I had more time to deal w/the hurt of this before God started asking me to forgive in all this... maybe then it wouldn't seem like so much. Maybe if there had been some real solid VISIBLE changing of things, I'd be less daunted by what God's asking of me right now.

Or maybe not.

He told me this wouldn't last long. That we'd be restored very swiftly.  I guess part of that is this. Because I can't really say I've accepted anything I need to accept if I haven't forgiven the betrayal I feel in my heart or the rejection and disrespect that's come along with it.

But ... this is what love looks like, right? Trusting, forgiving, forgetting, moving on beyond and into something new... and I'd dare say, something better, if we're brave enough.

I want to be brave enough. I want that something new, that something better. I want this full restoration and redemption God keeps saying He's workin' in this situation; I dont want us to be marred by my inability to accept that life is messy sometimes and unexpected things happen. I don't want to be unable to embrace the growth God has in this for us both.

Pastor reminded me yesterday that God is taking us BOTH to a new level in Him. We are at an intersection and we both have a choice to make. And really, it's the same choice. God's will or our own... And after all this time, I dont want to choose my own will over God's. Cuz that would mean that all that has come before this very moment in time has been in vain.

So. I guess forgiveness it is. Trust. And Release.

God, help me please. Amen.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

A Conversation


'One thing I know that you don't know is that you are strong...'

'You know what you need to do?... dont try to fix it. you cant fix everything. Take some time just for you.'

'You're my best friend. I'm not talking to anybody but you and Cousin about this.'

'I was overwhelmed. Still am overwhelmed.'

'I asked God for a sign. I'm in the middle of the ocen in a lifeboat, waiting to see which way the wind will blow.'

'What did He tell you to do?'

'One thing about you, you're unorthodox but you make me see things in a way i wouldna ever seen 'em before'

'I dont want anyone to have reason to say anything to you about this. I dont want you to have to deal with more than you already have to deal with; do what I ask. Dont tell me it doesn't matter. Will you do what I asked?'


'I may be strong. But I'm tired of everything hurting so bad. I'm at the end of me. There's nothing else...'

'I not trynna fix it. I cant fix it. I just dont want to feel this pain anymore.'

'I know you dont believe you're my best friend, but you are. The things I dont say, i havent said cuz  i wasnt sure you would see me the same; i didnt think you'd understand and i needed you to understand. i couldnt take you not understanding so i just didnt talk.'

'You can tell me anything. No matter what. You can tell me anything'

'I know what God's told me. I know what He's shown me. But I cant make you see or know. He has to tell you that in His own time.'

'He told me to stay'

'Taking care of  your children is right, no matter whate else happens or how anything else works out. Takin care of them is right. They need their father.'

'I would never ask you to sacrifice your kids. Not ever.'

'It DOES matter. But the choice is mine. Nobody's but mine. I am very clear on the risk i'm taking. Very aware. I know that this is something I cant even begin to contemplate...I'll do what you ask.'

'No matter what, I wont let anybody judge you. The only judgement in this is mine. And I'm not judging you. There is no judgement. The same commitment I've always had to you, is the same commitment I have now. Nothing will change that.'

'Remember when i left and you fought so hard for us. you told me 'we're what that is. this is what that is.' I'm telling you the same thing now. we're what that it. this is what that is. but i'll let you figure that out on your own.'

'Im praying for the kids - all of 'em. I'm praying for you and for her too. I'm praying for me. Praying for all of us. All the time, up late, not sleeping so that I can pray...'

So much more was said between us.

Best friends. It took us goin thru this to figure that out...

Transparency - spiritual transparency at that. Took all this to get there...

Emotional transparency. No She-ra tendency. Took all this to give him that...

He listened. He watched. He took it all in. I told him things about this journey that I've never told him. How and why I started seeking God so hard and so fully. When I decided to obey and stop living on my own terms. How scared I am that I've sacrificed my life - how much that statement was about so much more than just our relationship. How hard it was for ME to leave the first time, how long it took. How I didnt know God would send me back, i just knew i needed to 'tie loose ends', that I needed to get my self together. How when God sent me back, I was scared. Cuz i knew that giving in fully would mean he could break me apart... How, even though I dont have all the answers now, i dont believe in my heart that God would tell me to give him my heart, that He would allow me to give my heart to him and love him the way that I do only to leave me hurting at the end of it all...

and that statement was the end of our afternoon together.

laid in his arms talking like this for almost an hour. moved to get more comfortable, closer actually. He grabbed me and held on tight - didnt want to let me go. 'I'm not goin anywhere baby.' ... 'oh ok'...

his voice. his face. his heart. his touch.

greeted me hello. laid my head on his chest and just stayed there. too unsure to do anything much more. he kissed my forehead. And it felt... wierd... like he was trying to say something but didnt know what or how. That gesture, it's always tender, always an 'i love you' but from a different place than romantic. Yesterday, it was full of brokeness. The disconnect between us, but the desire and the hope that somehow out of all this, it will work itself out... genuine affection and 'i still love you'...

my heart is heavy. my spirit is so burdened. yesteday makes it easier to forgive. and easier to really love him. but it hurts so very much.

i know this place. i know that feeling. i know the conflict in his heart - because it was mine 4 years ago...

Oh Lord. Give him his sign. Make it plain. Let him do what IS right, not what LOOKS right. Call his name and give him the grace to obey...

I love you Lord. Thank you for the bittersweetness of yesterday. I see the start... and i'm begging for the end...  You reminded me that at the height of Christ's pain, where it looked like an end. That the moment of death was NOT the end. It was the beginning. And that the beginning was beyond the pain and the loss and the shame.... You keep impressing me that this is the same.. help me to hold on to that. You are doing an eternal work in us both. We are going to be so much stronger for this and so much closer. And I have begged for that change. Now just help me to endure this process. Because my heart is hurting and broken. My spirit is weary and empty. He sees strength in me, but he has so much in himself, if he'd just allow it to rise to the top. SILENCE every voice in his heart, mind. spirit, life that isn't a voice for You. Shut down the darkness and bring forth Your light. Show him what You've shown me. Tell him what You've told me. Call his name in this like You called mine that morning in that cell . And give him the courage to answer. What satan means for evil God use it for good. What You have ordained, let nothing separate or destroy. Forgive me for anythign in me that isn't in line with You and change that thing in my heart. Show me how to pray. And how to love. In Jesus' Name . Amen.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012


... I've been so busy WORKING, I have been real lax in just ENJOYING my relationship with the Lord.

I am a worker. I am a servant. And because of that part of my DNA, I dont know how to be served or how just to take it all in. For me, it becomes a concentrated effort to relax and just be still enough to enjoy.

One of the most special things of all this journeying I've been doing is knowing the Lord as intimately as I do. As Father, Friend, Master, Saviour, Lover. I never imagined something so sweet. And sometimes, I take our friendship for granted.

And even more sad, I turn it into me WORKING to have His love, favor, grace, mercy, whatever.

It dawned on me last night, in my frustration with my imperfection, that maybe I just need to relax and come back to the heart of the matter, which really is just to enjoy Him.Just to LOVE Him.

*sigh* It is so hard to remember to rest in Him, rather than to do so much work FOR Him that I forget He's my Ace.

What a sweet day today, just realizing how great He is and how much He loves me. Nice to know that knowing God for real isn't something you only see in a movie or read in a book, or something that existed only during the life and times of MOSES.

Glad God is real - and glad I got a chance to relax and remember and bask in...


It Finally Happened...

... tears finally came...

I wondered when I'd cry. Because I hadn't really cried yet.

Oh I've had a couple of brief little moments, but the flood that I knew was down inside. That hadn't surfaced yet...

But this morning. At the most inopportune time. It came.

I cried.

Been crying since I got up.

Only stopped so that I could keep my niece for a little while.

The floodgate is open and it doesnt feel like it will ever close.

All it takes is the thought of this. The reality of what H told me on Monday. THAT reality is finally settling fully in, in my emotions. And all I want to do is cry.

'This will be a blessing to your relationship.' And while I'm sure I believe that somewhere inside me, right now it doesnt feel like 'this' will be a blessing. It feels like 'this' is another way I'm being cheated here.

Cuz, ultimately, I get his heart back in full and w/no other hinderance... but realistically... there is fall-out from this thing that is a forever reminder of why exactly this situation even exists right now.

'I will redeem the years you have lost.' And because God is God, I'm sure somewhere deep inside I believe that.

But right now, right now I just want back all the years I'm feeling like I've wasted w/all this believing and what-not.

'My ways are not your ways.' I got all that. But why does it have to hurt so bad.

'Your heart will not be broken much longer.' Yeah. Ok.

'He will be a better man for having gone through this going forward.' Beautiful. For real. But in the mean time...

'A promise made is a promise kept.' Nice. Real nice.

But these tears today. They just wont stop. And I just dont think I'll keep trying to hold them at bay.

Not at all.

I dreamed about him last night. He's in prison. But he's not behind bars. He can come and go as he pleases. His guests they dont have to talk to him through glass. He sits in the visitors room to receive them. I'm there too. In the visitors' room. Just watching. Watching him receive his guests. He doesn't see me. None of them see me. No one knows I'm there. I'm just observing. And all I can think is 'why is he doing this, when clearly he doesn't want to?' He never sees me. But I see him. I saw them as they released him from behind the bars. I saw him come into the visitor's room and sit at a table on the far wall and wait. And I watched him as he met w/his guests. The visit wasn't long. Not long at all. He walked them out and just stood looking lost. I just sat and watched and tried to hold my own emotions at bay. All the while thinking, 'you dont even want this. you dont have to do this' . Then I woke up.

I get it. I understand what I saw. I know what God was showing me. And that makes this hurt worse. Because he doesn't even WANT this to be this way. He's free and he doesn't even know it. God, I want him to know he's free. I just want him to know he's free. Of all that. Once and for all. I just want him to know he's free...

Guess that's my prayer for today. Thanks that he's been set free and serious begging that he would be allowed to recognize his freedom. That he's no longer slave to his past or the choices he made then. That he is free, even in the place where he has to take responsibility. He is still free to live the promise and to enjoy abundant life. I hope God chooses to show mercy to him. And compassion. That he would be allowed to see with clear sight the two roads before him and that he would choose the one that leads to life. Real true free life.
In Jesus' Name amen.

I'm gone for a while. Me and my heart have a date. I'm sure I'll be back. Thanks for praying.

If We'd Only Seek To Follow Christ...

then maybe we wouldn't need all these movements and such...

All these movements and what-not. All this talk of  'Godly Womanhood' and 'keepers at home' and all the other fancy words we use to describe what REALLY all boils down to one thing:  a growing, intimate, personal, unique, intentional, maturing relationship with God.

People write all these books and have all these opinions and do all these differnt things in the name of  'educating' others and 'encouraging' their peers and such. And in and of itself, that is a GREAT thing - a beautiful ministry. But it seems that we lose sight as Believers of the fact that any position that we endorse or espouse should not be a 'movement', but should be as a result of a Holy Spirit guided conviction in our hearts that God would have us move in xyz way...

I  really have a hard time with this one ya'll... I dunno. I just think that we pigeon-hole eachother and we lose sight of the marvelously unique way God has created each of us and the intensely  pesonal journey He desires that we each take to discover His truth and His unique plan for our lives.

When I think of the way we critique and judge others' lives by things that may or may NOT be indicators of truth, it disheartens me. Scripture says that God does not look at the things we do, but at the heart of a man. We really should do the same...

We look at so many things that make us 'obviously' set apart - physically. But I believe that what REALLY matters to God is whether or not we are set apart in our hearts, in our thoughts, in our conduct. I believe that He cares far more WHY we live as we live than that we APPEAR to be seeking Him or proclaiming Him before men.

Are we searching our heart for truth as we embrace the 'movements' of Christianity or are we simply following a path that makes us FEEL righteous and holy and somehow more Godly than our brothers or sisters who choose - or have been called - to walk a different path?

Especially for women, all this can be so misleading. So confusing. And really. So demeaning. God created us in such an amazing way, with various different gifts and talents and many many personal quirks and idiocyncrasies. Where, exactly, do we get off setting ourselves up to be the  moral compass of others? How, exactly, do we justify making fellow Christ-followers feel inadequate in their journeys?

Conformity as Believers should not be our goal. A passionate ever-evolving,maturing relationship with Yah should what we seek.

That and that alone should be the heart from which we study, internalize, espouse and otherwise exhort ourselves and others in the Faith.  Because really. If we will make a relationship - a genuine, true, authentic relationship with Him who sits on the Throne - our focus and our mission in life, if that becomes our goal, we can rest assured that He will reveal to us the truths of His word that He desires us to embrace and live before men. And that includes whether or not women should wear pants or whether or not the cutting of one's hair is acceptable. Whether we should cover our heads or homeschool our children. Whether we should wear jewelry or make-up. All the details. Right down to what is an acceptable dietary standard.

If we ask Him, He'll show us. It's His pleasure to do so.

It is not our job to be the conscious or God to another sister. It is our job to live our lives in such a way that no matter how we 'Christiany' we look (or not), there is SOMETHING about us that shines from the inside out.

Our societal constructs and rigid boxes are more often than not, not a result of God driving us, but a result of us being too afraid to let God have free reign. Whether we want to admit it or not, we LIKE the boxes and societal constructs. Because we can control them, we can explain them, and we can understand them in our finite way of processing data.

Passionate pursuit of Christ almost always calls us to give up all three of those safety nets in large part, if not in full.

We dishonor God when we ascribe to Him ways of life driven by our finite minds instead of seeking Him for supernatural understanding of the way of life He desires to train us to internalize and live out as aliens in this foreign land.

If we'd all simply embrace righteousness and pursue it, if we'd just embark on the journey to live the unique plan of our personal Savior for our individual lives, we'd be better off and we'd be far better equipped to encourage and exhort. Becaue then we'd understand that what God has called ME to do may not be what He will EVER ask of another sister. We would know that the way God works is not boxable or pigeon-holeable. We would be humble enough to recognize that we've no right to judge as 'wrong' what is not in any way a 'sin', except in our own estimation.

It is pride pure and simple that leads us to speak what MUST NOT be God, because that not how He's led us. Or what can't be right, because it doesn't make sense.

No Believer needs a movement to discover God. What we need is a BIBLE and a relationship.

When we choose to exhort and encourage eachother in that pursuit, then we will be living life worthy of the call...