Angry girl...

has left the building.

And in her place is this chick who doesn't have much to say.

The feelings. They are not as strong as they have been. But they're just ... what they are... the willingness to obey. It's all still in-tact. But ... well... that's about it.

I am acutely aware that this is God's party, not mine. And that I am not the guest of honor; He is.

So I'm just kinda sitting back, observing and trying my best to just enjoy what God is doin in another area of my life, maybe even a couple areas.

I was convicted in service yesterday.... I couldn't take communion until I at least started the process of forgiving. So I did. And then we had special music and she mentioned Job 38. Where God tells Job to brace himself and then proceeds to remind Job that no matter what, exactly, he's goin thru, he is NOT God and has no right to question the ways of God. I read that and got told pretty much the same thing immediately upon finishing the chapter.

We then got into the sermon and our pastor ended up talking about Joseph and all that he was taken through in his pursuit of God. How at the end of it all, he was the one to feed the very ones who sold him off in the first place.How he told them 'what you meant for evil God used for good.' How he gave them an out , w/something along the lines of all is well...

And that weighs heavy on my heart. Because on the one hand, I can do that and I am working to do it and mean it. But on the other hand. I dunno about that one. That sorta maturity. Do I really possess it? Can I really look them in the face and say dont' worry about it. No matter what has happened, it's all good. Let's move on and make friends. Do I really have that  in me? ...

I'm guessin' so. Otherwise God wouldn't have allowed the situation to present itself in the first place.

The sad part of it all, is that what I'm being asked to give now - the thing that is so hard for me to genuinely surrender to now, in light of this whole situation... I was more than willing to extend that invitation before all this was revealed. I had decided in my heart a long time ago to give that SAME embrace. But now... I just dont know... now it's a trust thing. I didnt trust in full before, but I did at least in part and that allowed me a different confidence in this. Now. I dont trust at all. And that makes me leary of this whole next step. Because I am accepting that I am not judge and jury here. But, um... where is the protection in this - for me and for our relationship?

Anger is subsiding.

Hurt is living. And fear is wanting to jump on the bandwagon.

But I dont want to live in fear and I dont want to let this hurt turn to hard-heartedness and bitterness. I'd much prefer it dissipate and that what God is establishing in us truly live.

I WANT to do this. And I want to do it with class and with confidence. And with dignity. None of this forgiving, but forever accusing and snooping and doubting. I WANT to do it God's way. I really do...

I sensed it in my words yesterday as I prayed. I kept speaking forgivness, asking God to help me get there. And then that Joseph thing and I felt the resistance try and rise up, but I feel God's heavy hand of authority in me and I know that He isn't giving me a choice here. He's not asking me to consider it. He is instructing me to give as He has given to me. He is instructing me to trust.

And ya'll, that's a tough pill for me to swallow on a good day, when everything is everything - much less right now, when I'm climbing outta this deep hole in the ground.

I dunno. It feels soon. Real soon. Too soon. Maybe if I had more time to deal w/the hurt of this before God started asking me to forgive in all this... maybe then it wouldn't seem like so much. Maybe if there had been some real solid VISIBLE changing of things, I'd be less daunted by what God's asking of me right now.

Or maybe not.

He told me this wouldn't last long. That we'd be restored very swiftly.  I guess part of that is this. Because I can't really say I've accepted anything I need to accept if I haven't forgiven the betrayal I feel in my heart or the rejection and disrespect that's come along with it.

But ... this is what love looks like, right? Trusting, forgiving, forgetting, moving on beyond and into something new... and I'd dare say, something better, if we're brave enough.

I want to be brave enough. I want that something new, that something better. I want this full restoration and redemption God keeps saying He's workin' in this situation; I dont want us to be marred by my inability to accept that life is messy sometimes and unexpected things happen. I don't want to be unable to embrace the growth God has in this for us both.

Pastor reminded me yesterday that God is taking us BOTH to a new level in Him. We are at an intersection and we both have a choice to make. And really, it's the same choice. God's will or our own... And after all this time, I dont want to choose my own will over God's. Cuz that would mean that all that has come before this very moment in time has been in vain.

So. I guess forgiveness it is. Trust. And Release.

God, help me please. Amen.