It Finally Happened...

... tears finally came...

I wondered when I'd cry. Because I hadn't really cried yet.

Oh I've had a couple of brief little moments, but the flood that I knew was down inside. That hadn't surfaced yet...

But this morning. At the most inopportune time. It came.

I cried.

Been crying since I got up.

Only stopped so that I could keep my niece for a little while.

The floodgate is open and it doesnt feel like it will ever close.

All it takes is the thought of this. The reality of what H told me on Monday. THAT reality is finally settling fully in, in my emotions. And all I want to do is cry.

'This will be a blessing to your relationship.' And while I'm sure I believe that somewhere inside me, right now it doesnt feel like 'this' will be a blessing. It feels like 'this' is another way I'm being cheated here.

Cuz, ultimately, I get his heart back in full and w/no other hinderance... but realistically... there is fall-out from this thing that is a forever reminder of why exactly this situation even exists right now.

'I will redeem the years you have lost.' And because God is God, I'm sure somewhere deep inside I believe that.

But right now, right now I just want back all the years I'm feeling like I've wasted w/all this believing and what-not.

'My ways are not your ways.' I got all that. But why does it have to hurt so bad.

'Your heart will not be broken much longer.' Yeah. Ok.

'He will be a better man for having gone through this going forward.' Beautiful. For real. But in the mean time...

'A promise made is a promise kept.' Nice. Real nice.

But these tears today. They just wont stop. And I just dont think I'll keep trying to hold them at bay.

Not at all.

I dreamed about him last night. He's in prison. But he's not behind bars. He can come and go as he pleases. His guests they dont have to talk to him through glass. He sits in the visitors room to receive them. I'm there too. In the visitors' room. Just watching. Watching him receive his guests. He doesn't see me. None of them see me. No one knows I'm there. I'm just observing. And all I can think is 'why is he doing this, when clearly he doesn't want to?' He never sees me. But I see him. I saw them as they released him from behind the bars. I saw him come into the visitor's room and sit at a table on the far wall and wait. And I watched him as he met w/his guests. The visit wasn't long. Not long at all. He walked them out and just stood looking lost. I just sat and watched and tried to hold my own emotions at bay. All the while thinking, 'you dont even want this. you dont have to do this' . Then I woke up.

I get it. I understand what I saw. I know what God was showing me. And that makes this hurt worse. Because he doesn't even WANT this to be this way. He's free and he doesn't even know it. God, I want him to know he's free. I just want him to know he's free. Of all that. Once and for all. I just want him to know he's free...

Guess that's my prayer for today. Thanks that he's been set free and serious begging that he would be allowed to recognize his freedom. That he's no longer slave to his past or the choices he made then. That he is free, even in the place where he has to take responsibility. He is still free to live the promise and to enjoy abundant life. I hope God chooses to show mercy to him. And compassion. That he would be allowed to see with clear sight the two roads before him and that he would choose the one that leads to life. Real true free life.

In Jesus' Name amen.

I'm gone for a while. Me and my heart have a date. I'm sure I'll be back. Thanks for praying.

ro