Choose Your Shame

This is what the Holy Spirit gave to me this morning, just as I was thinking He was just gonna stay silent today...

'Choose your shame... '

Again with this...

God, what does that mean?

'You have a choice to make. '

But Lord, we've talked about this. I already chose.

'A conversation is coming with H. He will ask you to choose. He will tell you what he wants, but he will ask you if you really can handle all that comes with choosing him... it's time for you to choose your shame.'

Ok. So. Again. What's that mean?

'No matter what choice you make, there will be some level of shame. Choosing to walk away will bring 'i told you so' and 'you were wrong about him' and all those things that have been spoken to you for so long. Choosing to stay will bring more scorn from your family. It will open the door to more judgement and criticism of H and your relationship. And of you, for choosing to stay.'

Well of course it will. Because anything else would be far too easy. *raised eyebrow, and rolling of the eyes*

And ya know. I guess maybe I should feel something more than the blah-ness I feel right now. But seriously. As far as my fam goes, this is really just only one more thing in a long line of all the things they've found objectionable so far. There's nothing new or surprising in that. Though I suppose for H, there is something terribly unsettling about all this. And I'm also sure that his heart hurts at the idea that i'll be 'bashed' some more for being with him (his words, not mine.)

Except that in my world, stay meant stay. And it meant that the decision to stay was made having considered all that it would bring. I know how it will look. I know that the peanut gallery will have more than enough 'wise counsel' to choke a mule. I know that it will all be in the name of 'my best interests' and such. Ain't nuthin' new about that conversation or line of reasoning.

And ain't nuthin new about God's instruction to me.

Don't get me wrong. I say this with the utmost respect. I love my people and they love me. I know they have my best interests at heart and I know that they dont want to see me hurt. Totally get that. And totally appreciate it.

But somewhere around month 5 or 6 of this ride, God told me plainly that I'll serve Him or my fam, but that I can't do both. And at this point, I'm just really too tired to even TRY to please everybody. I really am.

My poor baby. I feel bad for him. Cuz my fam is brutal. He knows how much it matters to me that they love him and that they see what I see. He won't even allow the words 'it doesn't matter' to leave my mouth at this point.

And he's right. It DOES matter. But not enough to change my mind. It doesn't matter enough for me to forfeit the very thing I've worked so hard to enjoy w/him. Not at all. There are worse things than this. I mean... it's pretty uncomfortable. And it's pretty inconvenient. But it is certainly not the worst thing that could've happened.

And amazingly, we are being made 'right' because of it. We are being made better for it all. This situation has been and Im sure will keep being a blessing to us both, separately and as a couple. It really is a blessing.

I dunno. Maybe the fact that I have seen from the start the way God is answering my prayers in this has some bearing on the relative 'ease' (for lack of a better word) of this choice. The more things unfold, the more I see God doing the work I've asked for in him and me and us. I know how badly we needed to be broken as a couple. And i know how completely this situation is doing that for us.We really genuinely are being given beauty for ashes. And that makes this worth the cost. The fact that, at the end of the day, the brokenness and pain leads to all the uncommon relationship characteristics I've asked that we be characterized by... that's enough for me. That's enough to make dealing with the peanut gallery worth it.

So this choice. It's already made. This choice is a given.

The answer is that I'll stay. Fully there. Fully engaged. Fully committed. Hard or not. I'll stay. We'll bear it together. And they'll all come around. They will see God's work and they will recognize God's hand in God's time. We can't force that. God has to open that door. And I'm sure it's gonna hurt. And I'm sure I'mma cry about it. And I"m sure i'mma wanna beat H with a wet noodle when they get ridiculous - cuz they will; i'm sure this will smart a little bit.

But I'm sure that God is bigger than their opinions, misgivings, and displeasure. And I'm sure that I can't live or love for them. Those choices are choices that are between me and my God.

I want their support, love, and respect. But I'll wait on God's timing for it. I have finally grown to a place of recognition in my own heart that I dont have to fit anybody's mold; nor am I responbile for their heart-condition as it relates to being willing to accept the Lord's plan for me - for us. Im only responsible - we're only responsible - to live life on God's terms.

My uncle's words come back as I type this: this is not about me or H or even our families so much. It's about the legacy of faith that God wants to establish in our children and their children and their children after them. Generations to come. Just like I've prayed.... and in light of that... their eternity is worth far more than my temporal rights.

What the Lord does, how He does what He does... that's His business... who is the clay to tell the Potter how it should be made or to dictate that for which it should be purposed?

I'm choosing with all clarity and in full awareness to remain faithful and committed to the man that the Lord has chosen for me to spend my life with. God has called him worthy and right, worth the work. I refuse to choose contrary to that...

I just wanna love my husband and children. I DO want our life and family. I absolutely need them in my life. Especially H. He makes me better. He challenges me to grow and to stretch - to step outside my box and to really live life. Loving him and trusting him may be a risk. But it's one I'm willing to take.

It's taken me a while but I want to live life on my own terms... do what brings me joy inside and what gives me rest and peace in my spirit.... I can't make anybody else undestand. But I surely can allow myself the pleasure of  the freedom to love my man without limits and without walls. Without fear or doubt or condemnation or shame.

And maybe that's the point. Maybe that's the whole key. To recognize that there really is no shame. I might be choosing persecution. There might be some shame, in the sense that we are gonna catch a lotta flak. But there is absolutely NO SHAME in loving H, believing in him, trusting him, working hard with him for something strong and lasting and good and worthwhile.There is not a lick of shame in that. None at all.

All that can come of such a choice is life. Abundant life. The life that God has promised in His word.

I'm not choosing shame. I'm choosing life. And freedom.

Absolute freedom.

God, You asked me to choose my shame. But I dont choose shame. I will accept the persecution that's bound to come. But i dont choose shame. I am NOT choosing shame. I'm choosing life. Full and free. God I choose life. Father thank you for the eternal work. Thank you for the legacy of faith you have established in us. Thank you for establishing us in righteousness. Thank you that there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. Remove the guilt from H and the sting of the consequence. Allow him to see that there is no shame and no judgement in the hearts that truly count. Thank you for freedom and for beauty instead of ashes. I love You Lord and I chooose freedom over comfort or convenience.

In Jesus' Name. Amen.