A Conversation

Him...

'One thing I know that you don't know is that you are strong...'

'You know what you need to do?... dont try to fix it. you cant fix everything. Take some time just for you.'

'You're my best friend. I'm not talking to anybody but you and Cousin about this.'

'I was overwhelmed. Still am overwhelmed.'

'I asked God for a sign. I'm in the middle of the ocen in a lifeboat, waiting to see which way the wind will blow.'

'What did He tell you to do?'

'One thing about you, you're unorthodox but you make me see things in a way i wouldna ever seen 'em before'

'I dont want anyone to have reason to say anything to you about this. I dont want you to have to deal with more than you already have to deal with; do what I ask. Dont tell me it doesn't matter. Will you do what I asked?'

Me

'I may be strong. But I'm tired of everything hurting so bad. I'm at the end of me. There's nothing else...'

'I not trynna fix it. I cant fix it. I just dont want to feel this pain anymore.'

'I know you dont believe you're my best friend, but you are. The things I dont say, i havent said cuz  i wasnt sure you would see me the same; i didnt think you'd understand and i needed you to understand. i couldnt take you not understanding so i just didnt talk.'

'You can tell me anything. No matter what. You can tell me anything'

'I know what God's told me. I know what He's shown me. But I cant make you see or know. He has to tell you that in His own time.'

'He told me to stay'

'Taking care of  your children is right, no matter whate else happens or how anything else works out. Takin care of them is right. They need their father.'

'I would never ask you to sacrifice your kids. Not ever.'

'It DOES matter. But the choice is mine. Nobody's but mine. I am very clear on the risk i'm taking. Very aware. I know that this is something I cant even begin to contemplate...I'll do what you ask.'

'No matter what, I wont let anybody judge you. The only judgement in this is mine. And I'm not judging you. There is no judgement. The same commitment I've always had to you, is the same commitment I have now. Nothing will change that.'

'Remember when i left and you fought so hard for us. you told me 'we're what that is. this is what that is.' I'm telling you the same thing now. we're what that it. this is what that is. but i'll let you figure that out on your own.'

'Im praying for the kids - all of 'em. I'm praying for you and for her too. I'm praying for me. Praying for all of us. All the time, up late, not sleeping so that I can pray...'

....

So much more was said between us.

Best friends. It took us goin thru this to figure that out...

Transparency - spiritual transparency at that. Took all this to get there...

Emotional transparency. No She-ra tendency. Took all this to give him that...

He listened. He watched. He took it all in. I told him things about this journey that I've never told him. How and why I started seeking God so hard and so fully. When I decided to obey and stop living on my own terms. How scared I am that I've sacrificed my life - how much that statement was about so much more than just our relationship. How hard it was for ME to leave the first time, how long it took. How I didnt know God would send me back, i just knew i needed to 'tie loose ends', that I needed to get my self together. How when God sent me back, I was scared. Cuz i knew that giving in fully would mean he could break me apart... How, even though I dont have all the answers now, i dont believe in my heart that God would tell me to give him my heart, that He would allow me to give my heart to him and love him the way that I do only to leave me hurting at the end of it all...

and that statement was the end of our afternoon together.

laid in his arms talking like this for almost an hour. moved to get more comfortable, closer actually. He grabbed me and held on tight - didnt want to let me go. 'I'm not goin anywhere baby.' ... 'oh ok'...

his voice. his face. his heart. his touch.

greeted me hello. laid my head on his chest and just stayed there. too unsure to do anything much more. he kissed my forehead. And it felt... wierd... like he was trying to say something but didnt know what or how. That gesture, it's always tender, always an 'i love you' but from a different place than romantic. Yesterday, it was full of brokeness. The disconnect between us, but the desire and the hope that somehow out of all this, it will work itself out... genuine affection and 'i still love you'...

my heart is heavy. my spirit is so burdened. yesteday makes it easier to forgive. and easier to really love him. but it hurts so very much.

i know this place. i know that feeling. i know the conflict in his heart - because it was mine 4 years ago...

Oh Lord. Give him his sign. Make it plain. Let him do what IS right, not what LOOKS right. Call his name and give him the grace to obey...

I love you Lord. Thank you for the bittersweetness of yesterday. I see the start... and i'm begging for the end...  You reminded me that at the height of Christ's pain, where it looked like an end. That the moment of death was NOT the end. It was the beginning. And that the beginning was beyond the pain and the loss and the shame.... You keep impressing me that this is the same.. help me to hold on to that. You are doing an eternal work in us both. We are going to be so much stronger for this and so much closer. And I have begged for that change. Now just help me to endure this process. Because my heart is hurting and broken. My spirit is weary and empty. He sees strength in me, but he has so much in himself, if he'd just allow it to rise to the top. SILENCE every voice in his heart, mind. spirit, life that isn't a voice for You. Shut down the darkness and bring forth Your light. Show him what You've shown me. Tell him what You've told me. Call his name in this like You called mine that morning in that cell . And give him the courage to answer. What satan means for evil God use it for good. What You have ordained, let nothing separate or destroy. Forgive me for anythign in me that isn't in line with You and change that thing in my heart. Show me how to pray. And how to love. In Jesus' Name . Amen.