Sunday, March 11, 2012

A Dear John Letter

Dear Blog:

I know that you and I have a date for today. I know that you thought my time with you last night and this morning would be more than just a tease. And I apologize on the pygmies in New Guinea that we couldn't spend more time together.

But that's not the reason I'm writing to you right now. I know that we still have plans to be together today... but I need to warn you in advance that I may just stand you up again. I do love you. And I do love the time we share.We have seen so much of each other lately. And no doubt we have much more to discover together as we walk this new path that is turning into my life... but today. Right now. In this moment. I'm in desperate need of some alone time.

What? That's not acceptable you say? We need to be together? Hmm... You may be right... But I'll get back to you on that.

Don't be surprised if you don't hear from me for a few days, dear sweet Blog. What? You say I wont be able to stay away? Well... you may be right. I just MIGHT be back tonight or tomorrow. But I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you.

What's that?! You blame those freakin' balloons? Is that what you said? Well... you may be on to something there. Those balloons... they are a pain in the butt aren't they? But they're taking us great places.... Did I hear you right? Did you say that if I believe that, then I should just get on with it and come to terms with balloon #4? Weeell.... see... what had happened was.... Yep. That's is exactly.  That's what happened.

Oh Blog. Do be gracious about this,why don't u? It wont hurt as bad as u think. Or maybe it will. But. Do be gracious.

Thanks Blog. I knew you'd understand. I love you so much.


Friday, March 9, 2012

This Thing of Love

Love is so complicated. But then, really it's not. It just is what it is. And in love, there is sometimes pain. Whoever said love does not hurt LIED. Because love, in our finiteness, is imperfect at best. We are people, and however well meaning, we are going to hurt somebody that we love, at some point. The key to all that is understanding that love does not change because hurt enters the equation.

All this comes because of a text I received last night. It is too personal to post, but I'll skim the surface. A comment was made some time ago, by someone I love, to someone else whom I also love. The comment was spoken in truth, and with no disrespect intended. I, in fact, agree with the comment. And am the one who initially said it. I come from a parentage that holds fast to the philosophy feelings-be-damned. And that works out fine until the feelings that are not considered are YOUR OWN. This instance would be one such situation.

These words have lingered and in the text that was sent to me, they surfaced. There is hurt behind the perception that my view of my loved one's disposition is less than favorable. And frankly, oftentimes it is. HOWEVER, the fact remains that I love this person deeply. More deeply than I believe he realizes.

I see the hurt, the pain, the fear, the realization that we are not in right relationship, the doubt that we will be before the time for it has passed us by, the desire to be restored in spirit. And the deepest of loves. I see all that.

Because I am his mirror.

Not so long ago, he told me: I just want you to be alright with me.
What he does not know, what he has not realized: I just want him to be alright with me.

Maybe I expected him to be superman. Because he always has been. Maybe I didn't consider how that statement would be received. Because he is the first to admit it is the truth. Maybe there are some things that I haven't made my peace with yet. Because he won't just recognize that, in the simplest of ways, all this can be lain to rest.

But none of these things changes the depth of the love I hold for him.

All these mixed feelings. All the things buried under hurt and frustration. All this peace-making. All this self-protecting.

Who really wins? What do we really gain?

We work so hard to be in control - of our environment, of our people, of our circumstances and situations. And often times, we succeed. But, in exchange for control,we lose something so precious.

We lose the freedom to just love eachother. To experience eachothers' truths and to embrace all the imperfection and uncertainty, just because it is part of those whom we love. We all lose.

I'm not sure of much right now, but I am sure of this: I want us to have no regrets. I want it to be evident between us, the love that abides so deeply within us for eachother. Because, however flawed we both may be, the one truth that exists between us is that we are love in eachother's eyes. And it is the only truth that matters.

Pride, ego, rightness, I told you so, you owe me, you hurt me. Why won't you do this? Why won't you do that?All I want is... If you would only... I only want what's best... None of that is worth a pile of regrets when it's all said and done. None of that is worth remaining at odds.

I have been working through a whole lot of feelings about some things related to some stuff, and while I cannot say that I will welcome certain things into my life - while I am unwilling to stick my head in the sand - I CAN say that I am willing to love, however imperfectly it may be. However clumsy. And even if it means I overlook the hurt, in order to embrace the truth. Because that truth is love.

I am him. And he is me. We both found life in eachother and that outweighs anything else.

I haven't been guilty of judging him. I haven't been unduly critical. But I have withheld my heart. I have been remiss in my responsibilty to accept the flaws along with the greatness. And that would make me and him one in the same.

I can live with swallowing my pride; I cannot live with regrets.

So, to that end: To my person: You are alright with me.

I have felt deep forgiveness for you one other time in my life. It was the moment I decided that I had to forgive you so that I could learn to live.

I give you that same forgiveness again now. Because it is in this moment that I am deciding that I must walk in what I have learned. It was in that moment last night when I sat and held on to Granny's bear that I realized that to leave things as they are would be to face a mountain of regret.

I am unwilling to live with that.

So. You are alright with me. Whatever has happened, whatever is happening. You are alright with me.

It will read:
"She said her mother was an angel, but her father... he has been her He-Man for a long time."

No regrets.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

What If....

One of the biggest things that rambles thru  my mind in all this is: what if H doesn't choose to come back? What if, in spite of what I know God has told me, H chooses to live with ... what he's living with...?

I mean... Would I date again? Would I eventually get married? Would I have kids? Would I love another man limitlessly?

These are the questions that linger... because, as much as I want to be loved and all that, I just seriously dont have any intention of going down this road ever again.

I know some people who fall in love and who fall out of love, but who want love so bad that they'll keep goin til they get it right.

Me? Not so much. There has to be a very literal, very clear sign that God means that man to stay. Which is why I've been in love only this one time. And why I've been seriously hurt - like as in, taking me many many months to get over kinda hurt - only one other time.

So. My question of myself is: would I do it again.

And my answer is a resounding NO. Not on purpose. Not intentionally. Not unless God did it and I just didnt know at all what was up.

Cuz this thing of giving your heart away all for the sake of having some company, someone to come home to, someone to share with and all that? It's overrated. And doing it more than once is not on my agenda.

Not because I dont think love is worth it. But seriously... Honestly... the level of commitment this is and the level of personal processing and breaking it has brought and is still bringing to me... those two things leave me extremely clear that doing it more than once is not something I want. Because I believe that God has to do something significant in hearts when two people do this becoming one thing. And I believe He meant it to last until death for a reason.

If this doesn't work, I would never in my life, of my own volition, commit to another man limitless love. Because I am CRYSTAL CLEAR what that means.

I know I know...where's it comin' from, right?

Well. Last night, against my own inclinations to the contrary, I went out.Good bad or otherwise, it is what it is. I went. And I hated every waking minute. My auntie was all 'it'll be good for you.. you need to live your life.. God might have something different than you think and He just hasn't told you yet... blahblahblah' ... so I went. And it was a HOT MESS.

This thing of meeting a man's representative, having to constantly correct forwardness, having to try and dig up who he is on the inside and all that.This thing of that kinda learning... It's overrated and I'm past the point of having interest in doing it.

It just wasn't right... too much explaining. too little conversation. no sense of ambition or direction. no sense of drive or of any sort of energy that invited me into something more than just grabbin my keys and gettin' the heck outta dodge. Tpo willing to settle for a nice comfortable life with a nice girl... I dont want a man to settle. I want a man to want more than just comfort. I want him to want to LIVE...

I was home two hours after I left.

Cuz really, for all Sweetheart's flaws and all of what we have goin on right now, there is a passion and a fire and a love of life that is intoxicating and envigorating and alluring. It spills over and it makes me want to never be without it or him.

All last night taught me is that I love my man and that my heart is totally unavailable for anyone else. And it also showed me that there ARE some things about him that I can't get anywhere or from anyone else.

So. I stand by what I said. I'm only doin this once in life. If God releases me TOMORROW, I'm cool. I will get a new puppy to go with the one I have already and the three of us will live life... Dogs make great friends and great company.

I'm ok with that.

I'm REALLY ok with that...

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Ten Things Tuesday

XBOX Wife Ten Things Tuesday

Ok. You know how we do. It's Tuesday and I owe Jill ten things.

  1. Great girlfriends - my girls ROCK!!!! All them chicks rally around me, love me, support me, encourage me, and hold my feet to the fire. They make sure me and act-right remain the best of friends. Who could ask for more???
  2. Clay. There are days he makes my head hurt. Many of them. But I'll take the headache of having him over the heartache of being without him ANY day.
  3. Sweet Tea - southern style. Goodness Gracious. That stuff is GOOD!!!!
  4. God's favor. It's all over my life and I'm really diggin' this place where things are starting to happen right and left.
  5. Pier 1 Imports. Need I say more??? I am a girl. A girl who loves to shop. I spent me weekend shopping and Pier 1 was glad to see me coming.
  6. Candles. Candles from Pier 1. Because they smell just delicious. The freshness of the atmosphere w/candles are burning relaxes me almost like being around a child relaxes me.
  7. Great bosses. They feed me everyday. They let me shop for their offices. And they trust me with their business. Yep. Oh,and did I mention my flex schedule (if Im late, no one cares. If I leave early, they're ok w/that too.) Yeah. Who wouldn't love my job???
  8. Air conditioning. Because I live in Texas and it gets hot early around these parts.
  9. Uniqueness. It's just so much fun to experience all the nuances of the people I'm around every day.
  10. 'Aunt Ro what are you doing on the 30th? ' "I dunno, sweetie. What do you need me to be doing on the 30th?" 'I have a field trip and I want you to go with me.' "Where is your field trip?" 'To the zoo. You wanna go?' "I'll see what I can work out." 'Yay!' - The conversation with my 9-year old nephew. WHAT could be sweeter than that???

I already linked to that girl once, but just in case you missed it here's the link again: X-Box Wife . Hang out and meet some new people. Learn some new things. Just enjoy!!!!

Blessings, you guys.


Be Ye Not Conformed...

It is nothing short of amazing how God works in our lives.

Everyone has a unique place in the family. Some are conservative. Others... not so much. Some are traditional. Others... not even if you paid them.

There are just so many varied ways of worship and of relationship. So many personal nuances and quirks and idiocyncrasies (let's all hope I spelled that right) when it comes to walking out our faith.

I know, I know.Where's all this comin' from, right?

Well, one of my favorite bloggy people Muhala has begun a new journey and I'm following along to see how she does this thing. She has begun to practice covering and I find it absolutely intriguing - not in a geeky 'oooo, look at the wierd girl' sort of way, but in a very contemplative 'is this His will for all, or is this one of those personal liberties' sort of a way.

And I think that's what faith really and truly is, what we as Believers should strive for.

We shouldn't be looking to see who is upholding the laws the best or who is considered most righteous or most holy. Our stance shouldn't be that only OUR way of living out this walk is right. We shouldn't be excited to say 'I told you so.' We shouldln't be so arrogant as to believe that it is not OUR path that needs to adjust, rather that those less conservative than (or MORE conservative) simply need to step outside the norm. We shouldn't seek to elevate ourselves (separate ourselves) because we have more 'knowledge' than another, or any other standard by which we exalt ourselves over others of this family.

Instead, what we should strive for is truly to know God for ourselves. We should be looking to understand Him as our Lord, as our Master, as our Father, as our Friend, and as our Love. We should seek Him in such a way that anybody who looks at us knows there's something different about us. That there is something special. We ought to be so covered up in Him that whether we are covered head to toe with only our eyes showing or rockin' the hottest trendy looks (obviously in line with scripture), people see Christ. That whether we listen to jazz, country, gospel or any other genre, when people look upon us, they see something they long to know, be, and have.

Our lives should challenge other Believers to step up to the plate. We should be walking so closely in relationship that really the only things that should mirror eachother should be PRINCIPLES by which we live, NOT how a principled life manifests itself day-to-day.

In Muhala's journey, I see and feel this challenge. I am approaching with a healthy dose of uncertainty, understanding that as I begin to really sink my teeth into this particular practice I just may be convicted to adopt it in part or even in full. I go into this studying, knowing that I am opening a door to allow my own convictions to be changed - and that if they are, I will become a little more alien to this world.

And that's really what it's all about. Constantly growing and maturing. Constantly allowing the Lord to change you to be more foreign to this world and more at home in His. Forever being transformed.

If we did this, we'd have a whole lot less time to be critical of others because we'd be waaay too busy taking the planks out of our own eyes.

Just my thoughts.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Fresh & New...

The first Sunday in August... Voddie Baucham was our teacher that day... My notes:

  • Joseph doesn't question God. He obeys. Immediately. He does whatever it takes to fulfill his father's FULL wishes.
  • "I Am grooming you to be Joseph,but in order for you to walk in it, you must first recognize in yourself the potential to become the murderous brothers."
  • "Be Jospeh, not the murderers."
The next week... Dr. Henry Blakaby... The title alone was enough to make me wanna go home.. I just KNEW it was gonna hit me like a ton of bricks. That man said so much that I just didn't even know where to start...
  • "One peson wholly yielded to God has infinite potential for the kingdom of God." Dr. B
  • "Moses & the staf... Rosheeda, what do you hold in your hand? Give it to Me and I will do great miracles for you, in you, & through you."
  • "Radical Faith: Challenge Me. Ask for new things, bigger things. Believe Me for them."
  • "You have obeyed Me. Now I want you to believe Me."
  • "Will you ask Me for more or will you say where you are? Will you be satisfied only w/what I've done so far or will you continue to challenge Me to show Myself strong?"
  • "you MUST be obedient."
  • "Your faith has been established; now I want it to live. I want you to walk in it. Allow it to become vibrant and active. Allow it to shine forth before all men that they might see Me and know Me through what I do in, through, and for you." (Uh... I think I just did a post about the latter part of this word...)
The next week: Lee Jenkins... thought it would be all about finances. It was not.
  • "God wants you to have an attitude of obedience, not of skepticism & sarcasm."
  • "Sometmes we have to trust the Lord even when we don't understand, even when it goes against what makes sense to our natural minds."
  • "Sometimes God asks us to do the OPPOSITE of what we want to do because He has something bigger in mind for us."
And then there was Priscilla. One In A Million. Seven weeks. All I can say on that one is ... wow...
  • "To experience God's abundance,  you must submit to His grace."
  • "A one in a million person is one who can believe God for the extraordinary."
  • "The challenge is what causes the potential to rise - even when you don't know you have it."
  • "I want you to want more. Expect more from Me. Ask for more of Me." (WAIT!!! didn't You say this to me in August too?!)
  • "Excellence. I want to give you excellence."
  • "Believing a thing does not make it true; and that a thing is true does not make it believable. Behind every truth is choice, the first of which being whether or not to believe."
  • "You owe your spirit the opportunity to fully discover My glory."
Obedience. Relationship. Faith. A radical paradigm shift. Spirit and Truth. God is serious about this thing. A sista is getting NO PASSES on this one. He's not giving me a break. He's not giving me a get outta jail free card. He has continually and consistently reminded me that He has not set me free for my own purpose, but for His. He's challenged me to accept it. He's challenged me to obey on every level. He's challenged me to believe. He's challenged me to endure. To expect, that I might reap...

And now He's challenging me to go beyond even this season of processing and proving and to want a fresh crop of new intimacy.

God's calling me to ask Him to give to me my very own hall of faith (Hebrews). And shock of all shocks, I'm taking Him up on that challenge.

I want to see Him in a fresh way. I want to see Him do more even that He's already begun to reveal. I want to have a trail and a record of His wonderful works in my life.

I started asking last night what I should want from Him, what He wants me to ask.. He gave me a nice little list of things. Just between me and Him. Never to be uttered, only to be noted in my private thoughts. I read over it as He was revealing... I kept looking at it and taking it all in, knowing the depth of what He wants me to believe Him for and I was floored. Totally excited, totally challenged, and totally floored.

And as I really looked at my list I realized something: Faith is a life-changing endeavor. If you take the risk just once, you will never be the same again. Life as you know it ends and nothing will ever compare. Nothing.

I looked at that list again as I was laying down to rest and I said 'ok God. I'm gonna take the challenge. I'm gonna want more. I want to want more. I'm asking You for more.' Today is the first day of a new faith journey between me and my Jesus. This is the day I begin seeking Him earnestly for new Hall of Faithers. I won't lie. I'm more than a little daunted. But I'm hopeful and expectant too...

I dont know how it will look, but I do know that it'll be the ride of a lifetime...

I'm takin Jehovah up on His offer of a fresh experience with Him - because it just seems that there is no other way to go...

You should join me too. Take up your own cross and follow Him. Ask for your own Hall of Faith. You just might be surprised at what you get in return...

later ya'll.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

"W" Words

Ok so I was challenged to list 10 things that I love. The catch is that they all have to begin with the letter "W".

Let's see how far I get, shall we?

Words - I am a lover of all things vocabulary. If it can be spoken, read, or understood I probably am all over it.

Women - The women in my life are phenomenal. The love me and I love them back.

Wisdom - The thing I want maybe more than anything in life is wisdom. God has so far been good enough to give it to me - sometimes in bigger doses than I want, but I digress.

Warm Fuzzies :-) I love that feeling that comes from somebody doing something sweet or kind for me.

Walks late at night, when all the world is quiet and all I hear are the stars.

Wet kisses from my little Yum-Yum. She is precious and her little slobbery kisses are sweet. (This is how you know I'm an Auntie who loves her baby - because otherwise it would be a ban on the wet kisses of the small fry.) :-D

Wiggly seven-year old boys who just love to be loved. There is nothing like the marvelousness of a child. The pure innocence of him is life to me.

Water. It's good stuff. What can i tell ya? A bottle of Ozarka works wonders for me.

Wuzzles. It was a cartoon. If you remember it, you know what I'm talkin about!

Work. I love what I do. My bosses are quirky, but they are all pretty special and I really enjoy the second family that I have with them.

Like this? Wanna join in? Click over to Jill's spot and comment. She'll give you a letter and you can post your list.

If ya play, comment to me too so that I can come and read, k?

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Processing.... Muddling My Way...

So.One of my fortes has never been facing my feelings.

I tend to smush them.

It's one of the things God has broken in me over this last season in my life,and I'm guessing that right now all those lessons are being put to the test.

I'm having to learn how to face what I feel and still do what's right, rather than hide what I feel - even from me- in order to do what's right.

That's a tall order.

My first post. The way I used to handle stress was simply to not feel it. If something hurt, I just found a way to dull the pain - even for a little while. And sometimes for days on end, depending. Did my thing and kept it to myself. Nobody knew and I was able to go on.

Those years weren't that long ago, and apparently not long enough ago for my spirit to have forgotten how to make it stop  hurting, if just for a little while.

Today, for the first time in our association, my partner in crime told me no. Not because the option wasn't an appealing one, and not even because THEY'VE changed so much. But because they know me. They know my heart and they know that at the end of the day, I woudln't have been ok with it. Hurt or not. That's not who I am anymore. And I wouldn't have been ok with it. And then proceeded to be my friend, in truth. Gave good advice and offered a REAL suggestion as to how to relieve the stress and the hurt for a little while. Advice that I think I might follow. I gotta say, i'm impressed. And appreciative.

God's grace was real in that moment, because He had long ago told me that that was not a situation that I need to find myself in again, because I wouldn't be able to get out of it; that it would consume me if I ever opened that door. Today I knocked and was all but ready to dance my way thru it. And instead of being taken advantage of, I was cared for... My heart needed that moment...

I sat still, shocked at my own level of hurt - because I've never experienced anything close to this, other than death. And still, that's different than this. Death has never felt like betrayal. And I have a serious aversion to that word in theory AND in reality.

I was sitting and trying to pray. Trying to repent. Frustrated because my heart just felt so hard. Felt like a shell was being lain over it, to keep me from caring or feeling the impact of trying to kill the ache that's kept me restless for the last few days... avoiding people because the ones i'm close to know when i'm not right. And i'm just not ready to talk to them. Hoping that H will just stay away from me because I dont wanna talk to him right now, much less look at him. Staying away from my family at all costs, because my daddy is like super sleuth and he knows me waaaaaaay too well.  All this is in my heart as I'm trying to repent. And I finally just had to say 'Lord I dont want my heart to be hard. I just dont want to hurt this way. I just want to make it go away.'

Then I felt it. I felt the thawing begin.The last few days have been earnest tears, off and on. Not so much Saturday. Too busy to cry. But last night, I felt a need to just be with God. And the flood came. And in those tears He spoke.

"Last year you stood under tremendous pressure. This was not revealed then because it would have overwhelmed your already hurting heart. You would not have been able to stand. There is healing in your tears. Your heart is overwhelmed with pain and anger. I am allowing you to deal with your pain slowly; your heart is being strengthened even now. I have not allowed you to feel your anger because it is too great. You would not obey, were you to feel fully the depth of that emotion. It will be dealt with, a little at a time. You will be able to say the things in your heart to H, but not yet. It is not time. He cannot handle that. You will not be shamed in this. There is no more breaking for you. I know how deeply you are hurting. I know what this has cost you. I will take nothing else from you. This will not be required of you. I know you doubt his heart. You both need this. You need to see Me do this for you. You need to see Me keep My word in this way to you. You have it in you to do what I have asked of you. Your relationship with... blahblahblahblah... will be that of ... blahblahblahblah... I will not take the privilege from you of .... blahblahblahblahblah.... together. This will last no longer than is necessary for Me to show H the truth. Your faith has driven him away but the truth of his choices will drive him back. It is almost over. Allow him to fix it. Allow him to return. Do not make it hard. Do not punish him. He needs your grace.'

And as I sat this morning asking Him to soften my heart, He let the anger surface. Not much. Just a little. And He's right (like He could be wrong). It's strong. My mind opened and looked at the whole picture. The more I realized the depth of the effect of this on us, even before HE knew what was true of it all, the madder I got. Because it now all makes sense. All that crap I couldn't understand. And my hostility toward most of the players in this because of an intangible knowledge deep inside. It all makes sense.

I'm pissed. Livid. Furious that I'm hurt. Furious that he gets another chance, after all the other chances. Furious that  even when this is all done I can't banish the Intruders to the bottoms of the backside of the earth. I am stuck with ALL these people for the rest of my life. Even madder that I have to learn to love them. Madder still that I have to take on a new responsibility that I didnt want to start with, EVEN BEFORE THIS CAME - and that I certainly dont' now.

And even madder that I'm just foolish enough to be obedient and do all this stuff.

I mean really. Why the heck does everybody else get a pass to be human and to have had enough? When do I get that privilege? Why isn't THIS the last straw? Beacuse I love him? I'll get over it.

Why isn't this the place where God says 'you know what. this is enough. I wont ask you to endure anymore.'? Why won't He just release me from this? Why don't I just get to be done?

I mean. If I have to grieve this relationship, why not just let me walk away? Then at least I'm grieving it and can put it behind me. Instead of grieving it, only to have to STAY in it.

'There will be no shame for you in this. Hmm.. Drug detox I gotta say, i'm not really buying that. Use detox drug kits. Not unless He's gon' strike everybody blind and dumb. Otherwise, the truth is there for all to see. Live and in color. Because really. What the hell are we gonna do to hide it, frame it and call it WALL ART?

BLAH. Here comes that wall again.

And that's probably a good thing...