Tuesday, January 8, 2013

A Blessing & A Burden

Appaently I have a habit of getting quiet later in the evening. My aunt brings it to my attention regularly that I've stopped talking.

And she pretty much always assumes it's because I miss H.

Now. I'm the first one to admit, there are times when I withdraw into my own head and the last couple months, there have been those times when my life hits me at once and it makes me sad or whatever. And I DO get pretty silent.

But lately, my silence is really because well, I just dont have much to say. It's been said. I've talked to the few people I trust, to varying degrees. I've talked a lot to God. I've finally talked to Sweetheart. And I'm pretty much outta words about it all.

I'm just waiting. And learning. And finally, finding some rest in all this. What God is doing in me is amazing. And convicting. And transforming.  And it's the same in H.

And what He is doing in us as a couple is sacred and private and I just dont want to give it away... So I don't.

I'm saying all that to say, I'm not all that sad anymore. I'm just quiet.

But my aunt takes it as hurting and lonely and all that.

And last night, i'm not real sure how we got there, but I think she asked me if I had spoken to H and  I told her no. And said honestly I'm ok w/that. He needs to be alone with God and I dont really want to talk, I dont want to see him and be forever living the ache of this process. I'm ok with letting him deal with himself in private.

And that led somehow to her giving her opinion and such. Unsolicited and unnecessarily, I might add. Now. I understand that she is mad on my behalf. I appreciate that she loves me so much that she just wants him to get his act together and fix this or walk away and let me go... But really. I've said all I'mma say about that one. No matter what anybody thinks, the commitment the Lord asked me to make was not changed because He chose to put it to the test. Leaving isn't an option.

Nor is finding a new man.

I believe one of my most recent posts made that abundantly clear.

I'm just not interested in that.

Now, the real irony is that she will broach this conversation quite often and my answer is always the same: if this doensn't work, I'll stay single.  And I mean exactly that.

My auntie however, takes great exception and gets almost mad.

So last night, she was all, there are good men out there. Dont let the failure of one make you bitter. Dont be cynical. Its better when it's right and he returns what you give. You'll feel differently with someone who does what he should. Dont give up on your life because of H. You're only saying that because you're hurt. You sound cynical. You can be happy w/someone else. He may not be what God has for you....

Now. Let me take this point by point. I know there are good men. In honesty, H has not been that. But God says he will be. That's where it begins and ends for me. His faillures have made me sad and angry.But not bitter. I am not cynical, but I AM self-aware and realistic about who I am and what I want my life to be. I'm sure it IS better when it's returned. But it's already 'right' because this is who God has chosen for me. I might feel something for someone who 'does what he should' but I wont feel what I feel for Sweetheart, because giving my heart to him was, is, and will continue to be an act of God. I haven't given up on my life. I'm not speaking out of hurt. THAT would've been when I was tellin God I wasn't gonna stay. I'm very clear and very 'at myself' right now. I dont sound cynical. I just dont sound like what you think I should. I can do lots of things with lots of people. But I'm not so interested in being 'happy'. I'm interested in life being all that it CAN be with another person, good bad and ugly. I want to be fulfilled. And lastly. His failure doesn't at all mean that God has changed His mind. It just means H has made it a bit more challenging for me to honor my commitment to him.

The conversation in itself really bothered me and so I really started trying to work thru it in my own heart and mind. I finally just took it to God. Because I know what I believe I feel and mean. But I also know that it's easy - especially for a suppresser - to hide true feelings behind the mask of practicality and self-knowledge.

But genuinely, that is not what I've done.

Here's the thing:

I believe that love in one of the most amazing things God has ever reserved for us. I believe with all my heart that it is an exquisite opportunity to know God in a truly uncommon way and to experience great authenticity if we do it His way. I believe  that its beautiful,even when its painful. I believe that God means it to be a refining tool in our lives. And I believe that He meant it to be a life-long commitment for more reasons than one.

The love two people have for eachother, if it is of God, does't begin or end because it's gets tough. As a matter of fact, that's when it shows what it's really made of. And the commitment to honor that love doesn't begin or end because some man in a robe says so. That commitment begins in your spirit first. Whatever public expression is all good, but the vow you make is made to God and your man WELL BEFORE you take somebody's name. And if it's not, it should be. It should be made in your heart and it should be driven by an understanding of God's love for you.

Now I realize that that's a pretty unorthodox position, but I believe that if we will all access God in the way we CAN, we can all know when God is saying 'this is My will for you.' And we choose then to make that commmitment, in the form of obedience to Christ.

With all that said, I committed a long time ago to buidling my life with Sweetheart. And no amount of immense failure or pain gives me the right to tell God no - not when my whole life is predicated on the fact that I am a bondservant to Him and my life is not my own. Which means, I dont get to choose any path other than HIS path. Which is exactly what I've done (chosen God's path, that is).

I have walked into this with my eyes wide open and I have chosen - choose daily -  to live out my love on God's terms. And because of the life God has called me personally to live, I have and am paying a great cost. Loving Sweetheart has stretched me beyond all comfort and all personal understanding of what makes any sort of natural sense. I wouldnt trade it and I wouldn't trade him. In my heart of hearts, I want more htan anything to do life with H and to build the family I've always wanted. As a person, and because what God has for me, I have needed to learn the full depth in a serious way of a love that simply doesn't waver - not even when by all rights, it can.  And I dont regret it. I dont reget the commitment or the breaking or the difficulties. I dont regret any of it. Not at all.

But that doesn't mean that I want to do it over again. Not at all. I love my man. I value so much the gift of experiencing love and relationship and God's heart in such a special way. And I will cherish it all my days. But for me, once it's over, it's over. Once the season of romantic relationshp ends, it's a done deal.  I know. I'm young. I might change my mind. I'll see it differently later. But the thing is: I know myself. I know who I am and how I've been created. And I'm not a woman that God has destined to do this more than once. That's why it took so long to find him the first time and that's why it's so important to get it right now.

I know in my heart that I would be fulfilled,whether or not, I were to live life with a man. God has work for me and that work is a passion of mine. I can pour myself into it and find an immense satisfaction. Wanting to be a mom. I am a mom. To a lot of kids. And that would be enough for me. Wanting a place where i can be fully myself and fear no rejection and no disregard? I have that. I have that in God. He satisfies me. Over this season of transforming, He has become my best friend and when I most need to pour myself out, I know that I can do that with Him. And it's enough. God has taught me to need Him more than I need anyone else, and I'm ok with that. I have a great group of friends who love life, who live for God, and who love me. My life will be full and rich, no matter.

And the puppies, they're just a nice extra. :-)

I know... Unless you feel the same way, regardless of your relationship situation, this sounds like me trying to convince someone. But if you feel this way you get it.

It's not about being cynical. It's about understanding what absolute love is. And it's about knowing who you are in Christ - how He has uniquely fashioned you. It's knowing your own unique truth and your own intimate wants/needs.

And for me, as beautiful as this is, and as much as I look forward to the season for us that is NOT painful, I only want to do this one. I only want to have to give myself over completely to another human one time in my life.I want it to be all that it's meant to be - all that God has reseverd for us to experience together. And when it's done, I want to experience all the rest of life without the responbility (however beautiful it is) of having to consider someone else.

I tend to forget sometimes, that most women look at a relationship/marriage/man as the ultimate experience. But not for me. I look at it as a tremendous blessing and a huge sacrifice all rolled up in one. I am not naturally given to that sort of intimacy. It just doesnt come easily for me. I have learned to enjoy it, I AM learning to give in to it. But this is truly a holy experience for me - not to be rushed and not to be replicated. But in all honesty, I couldn't do this again if I tried - not knowing what I know now. Becuase I know that love is beautiful. But I also know it's a burden. And it's one that, given an opportunity to choose again, I'd choose to be without.

I know that sounds bad and like i view me and Sweetheart as some sort of chore. But I dont. Far from it. What I feel for him is something I can't even begin to articulate. He is worth everything he requires. Because he's him and he's mine. And my heart is so deep into this thing, so far gone, that there' s just no turning back. Not now. The love we have is of God, and its very nature allows nothing different than that we give ourselves fully over to it - which is exactly what's happening as God moves self  out of the way for us both.

It's so unique, so exquisite, so one-of-a-kind, that I just don't believe it could ever be such a marvelous blend of bitter and sweet, easy and hard, mountaintops and valleys, ever again. And knowing that I'd always cherish this on so many levels in so many ways, there's just somethin' in me that feels it would be to mar something sacred to try and do it again...

And I know this isn't everybody's heart or truth. It just happens to be mine. Different strokes for different folks and all that. And I realize that many people would choose to do it again for the very same reasons I would not.

I appreciate that. And I respect it. I just wish they would give me the same.

LOL,cuz heaven only knows that I do not want to deal with my family trynna match me up to that 'right' man. *rolling my eyes, and gigglin at the very thought*  =0)

have a great day and be true to your own hearts!


No comments:

Post a Comment