Sunday, December 12, 2010


'I don't know man. You're wierd.'

'Lemme ask you something. I need your help. You're a wise person.'

I heard both these statements directed at me within 3 days of each other.

The first was Friday night. I wanted to take offense because it was uttered in the middle of a pretty heated discussion. But mid-fight, I had to pause and say 'wow.' I couldn't really be offended, because after all, being seen as 'wierd' really is the whole point.We are supposed to not look like, act like, sound like, think like everybody else in the world.

1 Point for Jesus (cuz it certainly is not me)

The second statement came from my second daddy. Talk about just astonished? All I could do was take it in, say thankyou, and proceed to answer his question. Again. wow.

Another point for Jesus (cuz again, I am not that good.)

It is nice to know that the transformation in me is evident to the people who know me best.

How cool is that!

Saturday, December 11, 2010


... can be so overwhelming sometimes.

But it is probably one of the best journeys life has to offer.

I really appreciate the beauty God is revealin in the midst of the challenges.

I appreciate even more that the by-product of self-discovery and submission to Him is an embrace of His plan and will and way.

Me and Kesha were talking yesterday and one thing that I'm sure she didn't miss, that I also didn't miss is that our conversation turned to kids and future and things of that sort - and I actually was talking fully in terms of me and H and the kids...

Somewhere along this way, acceptance has taken root. Somehow in all this, the sting isn't so strong anymore. At least not right now. And not unrelentingly so.

And I'll take that.

shhhhh... dont tell nobody, but I think I may be getting a little excited. I just may be EMBRACING this whole thing... but dont tell.

I just might be excited... how bout that...

Friday, December 10, 2010

A New Beginning

I was sitting thinking last week. The Lord has been preparing me for a REALLY LONG TIME for a season of loss.

Last week, during one of the times where I am quiet but my mind is busy, somehow, Death snuck in and I started thinking of what that really is for a Believer.

Anytime the Lord talks to me about this particular thing, He uses the words 'passing' and 'transition'. Neither of those words implies finality. Passing implies goin' to another place. Transition implies moving to something new. And it dawned on me that literally, that is all that death really is. Those two words sum up death for a Believer. We leave our families and all, but we are far from 'dead'. Indeed, we finally graduated. We get to move on into the true promised land of Heaven...

Lately the Lord has used the word 'bittersweet' with me as well, and that evening I started to understand it. The bitter part will be for us - the ones who stay. The hurt, the fear, the loss, the loneliness, the emptiness. All that accompanies someone we love leaving us. All the life changes that come as part of the physical death of the body. That part will be bitter. Extremely bitter. But oh, the sweetness. It will be REALLY sweet. As I was sitting, all of a sudden I felt a joy come over my spirit. In an instant, transition made sense to me. I thought 'What a cool reward. They get to be finished. They get everything they've worked so hard for. They get to be with Jesus. They will be happy. Their body will be made well. Their race is finished; they get to rest.' And I was happy for them. I thought, how sweet it'll be for them to be able to just rest. I know how hard I've worked and how much I long to be done already, sometimes, and that they get the privilege of being done already is just absolutely mindblowing. So the sweet? Yeah, it'll be really sweet.

My heart is happy for them; sad for me, maybe, but happy for them.

I hope that when this word comes to pass, I will remember all that they are gaining - even as I work through the pain of them leaving. I hope that even as I weep for myself and our family, I will rejoice for them and truly celebrate because they were allowed to enter into sweet sweet rest.

And I hope that when it comes time for people to prepare for me to leave, they will do the same for me; I hope that they will rejoice with me and be excited for my new beginning.

More For The Record

"Love him as you love yourself."

and on that note... I'm going to bed.

nite-nite, all!


This past week has been the best week emotionally and spiritually that I've had in a VERY long time. Something happened at church last week... the Holy Spirit whispered to me 'breakthrough annointing'... and I believe that that's exactly what's happened in my heart over the last few days. There is a fresh connection between me and the Lord that I've longed for and there is an emotional honesty - but also a stability - that I have also longed to have in all that's happened.

That experience on Sunday is where this shifting and changing is coming from in other areas of my life... it's a beautiful thing. Really it is.

But it's also bittersweet.

Feels like I'm moving forward, but not moving on. And in some ways I'm alright with it. But in some ways it makes me nervous. Because in a way, moving forward means going back. Back to parts of myself that I had left behind and that I had pretty much accepted would always be gone. Back to habits and preferences and desires that I had also surrendered to God's time and His will - IF they were to be at all ever again. Back to a place in life with a little more latitude in my decision-making. It's not that I don't want the freedom. It's that I don't know that I trust myself with it.

Virtually every choice I've made for the last few years has been prayed over and committed to God. That now, I'm beginning to make decisions again without thinking them to death, that I'm becoming more spontaneous, it unnerves me. Because a) I have never been a spontaneous sort and b) doing my own thing is what helped me to get all off-track with God in the first place - and that's a place where I never want to find myself again.

It really genuinely feels like everything is going back to what it was at the point that I screwed it all up and that God is saying to me 'now that you know Me - really know Me - do it again, as the you that you are now and not as the girl that you were then.' I appreciate the vote of confidene and all; I just wish that I was as confident of me as God seems to be these days... Independence is something I didn't handle properly before; I want desperately to do so now.

As I typed that, I think that's really what the bittersweetness is coming from. God told me at the first of this year that my relationship with Him would begin to change, that I wouldn't hear Him as much or in the same way. He told me that He would reveal Himself to me differently, in part to teach me how others experience Him and in part to give me a break spiritually. He said to me that it's time to relax and to enjoy the fruits of my labor; to know that He's always with me and that He'll never leave me alone but that it's time to live a little more freely and to play and learn how to worship Him through the act of enjoying the blessing, rather than always in a pensive or painful or sacrificial way. And while all that is beautiful, honestly... I dont want my relationship with God to change. I like it the way it is. I like that He talks so much about so many things. I like that He gives me such plain direction and such intimate insight. I like that we have a relationship where I genuinely dont think anything is off-limits to take to Him or to ask Him to show me. He's become my all-in-all, my best friend. And I want it to stay that way.

Shifting gears, moving forward, I'm afraid that it won't.  I know that every kid has to eventually leave the nest so-to-speak... but... really.... can't I just stay home a little bit longer? :/

And, this is laughable, but it's honest - and since this blog is nothing, if not honest, I may as well put it out there... This change between me and God also means trusting Love to hear from God on my behalf in some ways. And uh... well... THIS has nothing to do with our current situation. I wasn't too keen on that BEFORE all this happened. I've never given over control of my life to any other person, save my father. And I really dont want to at this point. Not that he can't handle it. I'm sure God will fix it so that he can and so that he does it well. Just, well, I like that the only consulting I neede to do before was with God. I mean... He's had me to begin learning to do it, but like, that's been nice and gradual. But now, very literally, I'm being told to follow his lead, do as he says even when I know it's all wrong and trust God to make it right. Because, in God's words, he needs to be my best friend (this being from a human relationship perspective, obviously) and I need to learn to rest in and trust his leadership and his heart for me. Not to mention that He says it's time to really let my guard down and allow him to enjoy me and me to enjoy him with no barriers between us...

Can I just say O.M.G.?!?!?!?!?!


Because there is one huge part of me that is REALLY excited about a little more freedom and a lot more happiness. But there is a huge part of me that so doesn't want things to change at the cost of what has become my familiar place. Because while it hasn't been fun and games, while it has not been (in any natural sense) a pleasure, it has most certainly been a blessing and a joy and a privilege. One that I know I will never have again, in the same way, or to the same extent. I just want to languish a little longer in the uniquness and the beauty of the place of transformation. Just a little bit.

But then, as I realize what it would mean to languish, I want to move forward into a new season of relationship and a different sort of intimacy.

I want to move forward; it's time. But I don't want to move on. Because this is where life is for me. Life is Christ. Life is the Father. Life is the very fact that in losing it all, I've found it in a much more profound way. This place, this season. It's where I've learened to fear God and to respect Him. It's where I've learned to value the beauty of every part of life and to respect the profoundness of the journey.  It's where I've learned what freedom truly is.

My prayer for myself is that I would continually move forward, but that I would never move on. My place is with God, in His courts, at the feet of His throne, drinking in His counsel, seeking after Him with my all, striving to love Him with my life. And those very truths require that I move forward - because He says it's time...

I sure hope that I prove to be as trustworthy with much as I have learned to be with little.

Thank you God for such an exquisite love. Please teach me, even in this new season, new truth. Please give me new insight and an always fresh relationship with You. Please allow me the grace to be trustworthy with the blessings, just as You have allowed me to be trustworthy in the brokenness. I need You forever and for always, above all else that I call good or right or desireable in my life. May I never lose sight of that fact and may this life, in all it's glorious unorthodoxy, continue to bring You and I intimately, infinitely closer and closer over the seasons and the years.

I love You, Lord. You are my everything.

In Jesus' Name. Amen.

The Weekend and It's End Result

We spoke.

We fought.

We did see eachother.

A conversation happened.

And whatever happens next is a direct result of whether or not he believes fat meat is greasy.

I cannot tell you how checked out I am. I know he thinks we made some peace. But we didn't. We called a VERY tentative truce. And I do mean tentative.

Can't even really pinpoint what brought this wall back out and up, but it's there in full force. And I see no way and no need of letting it down. Don't wanna punish him. But do need to beathe for a minute. And engaging with him at this point is not on my agenda. Not even a little bit...

I really feel like he made a choice and he needs to feel some of the impact of that choice. Up until now God has required that I try to be fully present. But at this point, that would require nothing short of an act of God. So. If that's what God wants from me... well... He's gotta make it happen.

Cuz as of Friday night, I checked out. And even in the light of Saturday and a conversation and yesterday and some pleasantries, I've no intention of checking back in. Not any time soon. And not until he makes some choices. You wanna raise your kids. Cool. You wanna treat them better than your daddy treated you. Cool. Can't argue w/that one. Won't even try.

But this thing where your conduct demeans who I am to you in God's estimation? Not so much. Settling. Not who I am. And not what I'mma do.

The very thing you hate is what you run to. The thing you love is what you damage.


I'm angry. Again. And still.

I need to get one-on-one with God. And in order for me to do that i have to go beyond my hurt and my disappointment with God because of the challenge of what He's asking of me. I can't do that if I keep getting kicked in my teeth.

So. I'm checked out.  Cuz right now it's just better all the way around.

Yep. The wall. It has been hit. And apparently I hit it hard. This set of feelings is delayed from the battering of Friday and Saturday.

Everytime we do this, this pain deepens and pulls something else outta me... I dont like who I have the potential to be. I dont like the thoughts or feelings that want to take up residence and set up shop. This is not who I am. not at all.

I am at the brink of a meltdown.

God... well... this is His show...Hope He's got something working...Cuz if not... well... Mr. Man is gonna find himself all by  himself to work out his foolishness and clean up his own mess.

yep. that's pretty much it...

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


I'm sitting today, trying to rest and relax. But I'm failing. I'm pretty restless. What I find myself wanting to do right now is just drown in Clay's love. I find myself feeling his love so completely in this moment that I'm not sure I know what to do with it. The depth... The honesty of it. It's beautiful. I'm not even real sure where all this is coming from. I just know that today is a day that I recognize his love for me in a way that I'm not sure I ever have before. I remember feeling this feeling as the Lord drew me closer to Him. I'd feel like He was pulling me under. Like there was a deep place He was taking me. And at alternating points, I'd be excited. Then I'd be nervous. And sometimes I'd even try and stifle it because it overwhelmed me, but I could never run from it for long.

That's how I'm feeling right now with Clay. Like his essence surrounds me. Like his love lives and goes with me. It's like he's grabbed my hand and told me to come on, and he's swimming ahead of me - going faster than I expected. And I'm so busy trynna see and enjoy it all and take it all in, so excited about where we're going - wanting it to speed up, wanting to hurryup and get there, but at the same time wanting to slow down and enjoy the view - i'm too excited to be afraid. Or to be cautious. I'm just going. He's leading me. I'm following him. And I'm loving it.

This feeling. This moment. This sense of overwhelming peace and rightness about our relationship and where we're going. I want to hold on to it forever. I hope that I never lose this comfort. I hope that I never lose the feeling of absolute trust that I have right now.

It seems that with every step we take, we get one step closer to the oneness that I long for. Seems that he's longing for it too. Seems that he's running ahead of me to make sure everything's ready. Seems we're on the same page and ready to take our right places... Makes me tremble with anticipation, desire, excitement, some nervousness, and a whole lotta joy. Makes me wanna cry out of sheer astonishment.

This is a place I've longed for - and now that we're here, I'm not sure how to articulate it.

And the Lord whispers to me: I promised to give you beauty from ashes.

And I am in awe....

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Full Circle

What am I thankful for today?

That life comes full circle. That God's word lives and is true. That He loves me, even in my imperfection and short-comings.

A year ago, I wasn't sure how anything was supposed to look. And now, I'm blown away daily by how amazing things are shaping up to be in my land.

I'm grateful for the life the Lord has given me to lead.

Go see Iris. You know the drill.


Sunday, December 5, 2010

Just a Little Self Evaluation


I have no idea why I can only process this by blogging, but that just seems to be the only way I can work thru my emotions... so... here we go.

Blogging last night was part of me giving in to God and getting beyond my own willfullness in this. It always helps me to see things in black and white. Somehow, putting words on paper takes me beyond my own barriers and gives me a clear glimpse into my own heart... And as much as I dont like it right now, because of the fact that my heart changes from day to day, I really DO need to understand why i feel how I feel...

As much as I would like to resist it, I need to process this...

I'm saying all this, because I have been avoiding this blog all day. I do not want to face anymore truth. Nor do I want to deal with any more conviction. Nor do I want to delve into anymore of why I am how, who, or what I am.

But I need to do this.... I need to....


I spent the evening working thru that 'yes' action....

Literally every yes brought to the surface someting in particular that I'm agreeing to accept, understand, see, believe, trust, let go, or forgive. And with each yes, every realization of what exactly it means, came an extreme discomfort in the pit of my belly.

For real. I just feel sick inside. Because I have no idea what I'm agreeing to deal with. And in truth, this surrender is so much more about honoring God than anything else. Because the truth is I just dont wanna do this. I dont wanna deal with the fall out or the aftermath. Not from my family or his or his babymama or any of that other foolishness that comes with this. I just dont wanna do it. I just don't want to...

I'll just keep it real. I knew what the feelin' was as soon as it creeped up. I knew more than a week ago that part of why I'm struggling so hard to get past the hurt, besides that fact that it just isn't gonna go away overnight, is that if I hold on to the pain, I can protect myself. Because that pain is a barrier between us. However thin, and however slight. It is some sort of shield. And it lets me get back to angry and hard....

But to let it go? That means that, by default, I'm trusting him and I'm letting him back in - deeper than ever, more intimately than ever. Because one thing we ARE gaining in this is true transparency with eachother. Really letting go means that there's nothing between us and no way to protect my own heart.

So. As much as it may sound like drama, trust me when I say it's not. Admitting that I want to walk away was a hard thing - because in my heart that meant admitting that I feel defeat in this. Admitting that it took a serious word from the Holy Spirit to bring me to obedience is a hard thing - because really. I should know by now that God is not interested in what I feel, but in what is right in His sight. And I should be willing to honor that. Period.

And admitting that my 'yes' really is yes is the hardest of all. Because that means that I honestly truly did give up my only source of protection in myself. (I know God is my Protector. I'm just sayin... ) More than any of what yes means on H's behalf, what it means on my behalf is staggering... It means that I have relinquished control in this situation. It means that I have left myself vulnerable and that I have to endure this place of feeling like I'm at the mercy of somebody else's decision making. It means that I have to actually go forward with this process of delving into my own heart and workin thru the parts of this that take me to the place where all this mess started in me. It means I have to see me for who I am right now and that I have to decide who I am going to be as God's works this out. It means recognizing who he isnt and believing fully in who he is. It means knowing that this one situation isn't one that I can allow to color his character in my sight for the rest of our lives. For crying out loud, it means accepting the face that I'm agreeing to a 'rest of our lives'. It means knowing that he is still the man that I finally had begun to believe I could trust with my heart and my life. It means believing in  his love for me.

And it means accepting my love for him.

And more than all that, it means I have to check back in. I have to let the rift be fully mended. I have to follow all the instructions that come as a result of the yes that was offered.

I have to let God take my past and make me a new person, just like I've asked to see in H. I have to be that woman that truly does mean: you can tell me anything. I have to be that partner that really sincerely invites him to rest in me, no matter what we face. I have to allow myself to be turned into that woman who walks in real authenticity... I have to go deeper. Gotta give more - a lot more.

I have to give me.

Because if we go through all this. If we make it past ALL THIS only to be the same, then that means it was for nothing. And that I shoulda just walked away. Because not to take the risks of the yes is, in effect, to walk away anyway.

hmmm... outta all my thinking today, this was the first time I've been able to put words to the feelings...

The sick feelin' in the pit of my belly... I'm betting it's not gonna go away anytime soon. Because it's pretty near panic on my part. In all seriousness. And the only thing that's gonna kill it, is watching God work in this to make it right between us...

I guess what I'm  saying here is that my yes truly is yes; and that I'm willing to face my own demons and become the me that we both need and want me to be -  instead of an emotional stepford or a human machine.

So. All the messiness, all the imperfection, all the too much and not enough.... let's get it. I've kept you hidden for far too long and I think it's time we experience some real life together.

It's high time we live in freedom instead of fear. Me and him both...

Alright God. Let's get it...

*hmmm... i guess all this would mean i need to start answering the phone again, wouldn't it?! ha! ... we'll see how that works out for him tomorrow.*   =)

Ok God. Please help me to be brave enough to walk this out. Because only You and me really understand exactly how afraid I am right now. This is a tall order. And one that is certainly beyond my own ability to accomplish. I'm willing. I really  am  willing. I want he fullnes of what You've reserved just for us. You've shown me so many things and told me so many things. You've made me so new inside and I really want to le that woman live. I want to let her breathe and thrive.  I want all that You've done in my spirit privately to be put on display in my life, in my home, in my friendships. I want her to live God. I really want her to live. And I really want H to know her. I genuinely do. I know that he didn't do this to hurt me. I know in my heart that he's told me the truth and that he can be trusted. I know ... I know all that You've told me is real and right and good. So please help me. Help me to not be afraid with him or with You. Help me to not hide and to not check out. Give me time to process and time to be with You, but dont allow me to use it as a way to not face us... Give him the courage to be obedient and us both the hearts to deal with the consequences of it all.

We love You Lord and we want to do what's right. Both of us. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Anthony Evans: The Bridge

His music is great. Truly ministry. Powerful, heartfelt, passionate. I have enjoyed every one of his cd's.

The Bridge is his latest release and I've gotta just say that it's phenomenal.

I have a new favorite song, from this cd. I'll share the lyrics when I'm ready, but if you have a chance I really encouage you to check out Anthony's music. You can't go wrong.

For real.

This Thing of Wrestling...

For a few weeks now I have been facilitating the Love Dare for a group of ladies formed by a friend on FB... It has been incredibly challenging for me, but it has also been incredibly revealing. My heart has broken many many times during this study so far and we are only on Day 13 of 40.

I've done this once before. And we were having a bit of a time then. But this time....words cant even begin to express what it's taking - or giving.

My prayer has been that God would prepare me for what comes next between us.... A couple of days ago I realized something: I am willing now to make it easy for him. I said I was before. My mind had been made up, but my heart was so not there yet. I realized on the way home from the store that I have no intention of forcing a conversation or apology that really isn't valuable anyway right now. My heart is soft. Soft enough to simply say 'I love you' and let that be where we start.

My pride is finally sleeping and my pain is finally subsiding. My anger is not rage anymore. And all three of these things are signs to me of God at work.

Where'd all this come from, right? Cuz it certainly isn't just the love dares.

Well, me and God have been doing some talking and last week He showed me some things that brought to the surface the things that really make me most uneasy right now. And then as I talked that one out, other stuff came to the surface, consequences of this obedience thing...

For real... part of me feels like it's just crazy to even bother. But the part of me that is me, well... I think in terms of down the road. I'm very consequence minded. So in this for me, the only natural thing to do is break the whole into parts and look at what each part is gonna require as we walk this out. And THAT just made me even more at odds with God...

I believe I've said that I'm conflicted with God, but if I haven't, I'm saying it now. I've been more than a little conflicted with God in all this. Not because I dont know who He is or how sovereign or Holy or ... God... I got all that... I just have had a hard time reconciling the things that He's allowed and the price He's allowed, when at ever verbal tirade, He will say to me that I'm right about the reality of things - as far as character and conduct and etc... How He loves me and He allows ..... yeah... these are the things that leave me at a loss.

Anyway, me and a friend were talking and the road i was heading down, she cautioned me that maybe I needed to not head down it so that I didn't completely mess myself up trying to deal with all this. And of course, because I consider her words valuable, I started talking to God about it, asking if maybe I need to not think so far beyond the moment - because if so, then that would've meant He needed to shut my brain down and take me away from the thoughts of how to navigate what could be difficult waters internally - totally different from the craziness that will be my people.

All that kept coming to mind was: Wrestle with the Angel.

And then it dawned on me. When Jacob wrestled with the angel, it says that the angeld had to touch his hip in order to overpower him because Jacob REFUSED to give in until he got the blessing he knew was his. Jacob knew what God had promised him. God told him. But he was still afraid he would lose his life as he moved forward to claim the promise. There came a place where it was just Jacob and the angel. And they wrestled til daybreak. Literally Jacob would not quit. The angel had to 'wrench his hip' to get him to let go - and even then Jacob said he wasn't letting go until he got his blessing. It was then that he was blessed. And it was then that his name was changed to Israel - because he came face to face with God and survived. Scirpture says that he 'struggled with God and man' and that he overcame.

For me this is so powerful. Because indeed I am face to face with God in a serious way right now. See, I know what God's promised me. He's told me. And I'm walking it out. I am on the road to get the promise. And I'm almost there. But I'm scared for real that I'm walking right into enemy territory and that I'mma lose my life. And it is at THIS place where my faith is being tested....

God has been saying to me 'wrestle with the angel' and I didn't get it. How does one struggle with God? Well... I'm here to tell ya, it's easy. It's not that Jacob doesn't know who God is. It's not even that Jacob doesn't believe that God will keep his word. He's banking on that and he's decided that if God said it, it must be so, based on earlier in the chapter. It's that alone, in private, just him and God, he gets down and dirty and admits to all that he's not so sure of or so cool with about what God's asking. The struggle with God isn't really a literal struggle in a physical sense. It is the epic battle that comes when faith requires you to see beyond the natural and to believe God in spite of what is obvious to your human eyes. And then to WALK like what your spirit sees is real and like what is looking you in your natural face is not at all what that thing is gon' be. Jacob was conflicted with God. And that, I understand. I am convinced that Jacob had to be all 'God I know Esau. He's mad. Bro holds grudges and u're tellin me to trust that cat with my life... Can a brotha get a SIGN?!'

Cuz I'm sayin, 'God I know my man. And bro is ..... but you're tellin me he's gon' get this right... FINALLY... Can a sista get a SIGN?!'

But, even with all that. What really hit me hard the other day is that Jacob did not quit... If you gon' wrestle with (and PREVAIL over) an angel, you had to be a) determined, b) strong, and c) BOLD.

That's when it all clicked! A lightbulb went off. It finally all made sense. WRESTLE WITH THE ANGEL.

So, since Monday or Tuesday I've been wrestling with the agel.

And a curious thing has happened.... my pain has surfaced... not the fury I felt before and not so much the deep deep wail that has been.. But this dull throbbing ache that just makes me whimper to God and pray as honestly as possible and as boldly as i dare. It's driving me to hold God to His word, as opposed to running and hiding. A deep melancholy hit me last night and lingered into this morning. I was sitting, trying to blog, but only able to talk to God. And I heard myself say something I haven't said since this started:

"God, no matter how much this hurts, no matter how deep this ache, I WILL NOT quit. God I won't quit."

This is what it is to wrestle with the angel. This is what it is to struggle with God. Asking those hard questions. 'Choppin it up' as Sweetheart would say... facing the hard truths and pressing past the 'i dont wannas' and the family of WhyNot to arrive at your new home in the land of Promise. Looking at God and at the enemy and telling them both that you're in it to win it - knowing in your own heart that at the end of the day, nothing less than victory and possession is acceptable.

THIS is what it is to wrestle with the angel... I get it now.

I want my life. I'm not letting go til you bless me. I want my name to be changed. I want everything that you've promised. I'll be brave enough to 'chop it up' with You about all this, but I need You to show me who You are. Show us all. Show us both. I know You're working. I just know it. But I know that I need to act like I know. So I'm gonna do my part. I won't turn away. I won't give up. I won't quit. I won't abandon him. I won't defy You. I will lead my heart instead of allowing it to lead me. But God, You've gotta keep Your word. The promises You've made... Honor them. And I'll do my best to honor You.

In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

1 Corinthians 13:4-6

4Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,

5does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,

6does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;

Ok.Let's stick with yesterday's definition of love: unrestricted loyalty and unwavering commitment to what best serves another.

vs. 4:
love is patient - let's define patient...  (1) bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint (2) manifesting forebearance under provocation or strain (3) not hasty or impetuous (4) steadfast,despite opposition, difficulty, or adversity.

oh boy...

love is kind - kind... of a sympathetic or helpful nature; of a forebearing nature - gentle; arising from or characterized by sympathy or forebearance.

and is not jealous - jealous... (1) intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness (2) hostile toward a rival or one believed to enjoy an advantage

love does not brag - brag... cockiness in speech; proud words

and is not arrogant - arrogant... exaggerating or disposed to exaggerate one's own wealth or importance, often by an overbearing manner

Ok so based on all this: that verse really reads like this:

Unrestricted loyalty and unwavering commitment to what best serves another bears pains or trials calmly and without complaint,and is steadfast even under provocation or strain, and in the face of difficulty, opposition,or adversity; it is gentle and is characterized by forebearance and a sympathetic nature and is not intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness, nor is it hostile toward a rival or one believed to have an advantage. Unrestricted loyalty and unwavering commitment to what best serves another is not cocky in speech or proud in its words, and does not exaggerate it's own wealth or importance, especially not in an overbearing way.

Good grief. This is just verse FOUR. There are still two more to go, man!

vs 5:
does not act unbecomingly - unbecomingly... not according with the standards appropriate to one's position or condition of life

it does not seek its own - self-seeking... the act or practice of selfishly advancing one's own ends

is not provoked - provoked ... (1) to arouse a feeling or action; to incite to anger (2) to stir up purposely

does not take into account a wrong suffered - two definitions here: wrong... (1) an injurious, unfair, or unjust act (2) something wrong, immoral or unethical; suffered...  (1) to submit to or be forced to endure; to feel keenly, labor under (2) to endure death, pain or distress (3) to sustain loss or damage

Which leads us to:

Unrestricted loyalty and unwavering commitment to what best serves another does not act in a way not in line with the standards dictated by its position or life condition; it does not act in a way or put into practice things that selfishly advance it's own ends, nor does it become aroused or incited to anger or purposely stirred up. Unrestricted loyalty and unwavering commitment to what best serves another also does not take into account injurious, unfair or unjust acts - even of an immoral or unethical nature - that it has been forced to submit to or to endure, even when keenly felt and labored under and even it sustains loss or damage as a result.

*Alright. only one more verse to go. Then I'm gonna have to sit and try and digest all of this information. Goodness gracious.*

vs. 6:
does not rejoice in unrighteousness... again, two definitions here: rejoice... to feel joy or great delight; unrighteousness... sin or wickedness

but rejoices with the truth - truth... (1)sincerity in action, character, and utterance (2) the body of real things, events, facts (3) a transcedent (incomprehensible) fundamental (ingrained) or spiritual reality

The end result of those few lines being this:

Unrestricted loyalty and unwavering commitment to what best serves another does not take joy or delight in sin or wickedness, but does take joy in all things, as part of what it knows to be be an incomprehensible, ingrained spiritual reality - a reality rooted in real things facts and events (even if unseen) that eventually manifests themselves in action, character and utterance (speech).

Goodness. There is so much just in these three verses. SO much.

What it's boiling down to, right now at this moment in my heart, is that in order to fully grasp, embrace and obey verses 4 & 5, you have have to understand the depth and accept the revelation of verse six. Love cannot do any of the things in the first two verses if it doesn't look beyond the natural to see the spiritual truth of any circumstance or situation that would cause the sort of love previously mentioned to be necessary.

Which then also puts into perspective verses one through three. Beause if you have all this knowledge and make all this sacrifice but you dont do it with a heart that understands and welcomes the spiritual impact of yoru acts, then you aren't really loving. And the lack of proper motive becomes obvious, because when it's time to go through the fire, you cant sustain the facade at the highest of heat. Because the only way to stand in that sort of heat and to come out better than when you went in, is to have God's perspective and to hold it close so that in the midst of the heat, you can act with that unrestricted loyalty and unwavering commitment to your obejects best interests.

You gotta understand the spiritual truths to understand the true requirements of love.

And then, when you understand that truth, you are  - as an act of faith and submission in your own heart to God (not to mention gratefulness and understanding of His gift to you) - expected to behave in a way that allows the truth you know to reveal itself in the natural.

Which, if you think about it, makes pefect sense. Because when you know you are cared for completely, it becomes impossible to NOT respond to what's being offered. Love is so selfless and so focused on the receipient that, when its all said and done, they don't have much option but to respond to what's being given to them.


So. Love is not an emotion. It is a choice. One that can only be made as a result of understanding the deeper truths at work in our lives to bring about natural evidence of an internal adjusment in our spirits. (The fact that love is not an emotion, i knew that... but i never really dug in to understand how its'a choice and WHY it has to be a choice we make and not something that we feel.)

I have read this passage of scripture so much. And I took for granted what it meant.

This is a whole lotta revelation. And a serious challenge.

I'm convicted. God told me I would be....


i'm outta here. Got some thinkin' and prayin' to do... wow...

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

I am a Colon

Too bad most of this is truthful.

You Are a Colon
You are very orderly and fact driven.
You aren't concerned much with theories or dreams... only what's true or untrue.

You are brilliant and incredibly learned. Anything you know is well researched.
You like to make lists and sort through things step by step. You aren't subject to whim or emotions.

Your friends see you as a constant source of knowledge and advice.
(But they are a little sick of you being right all of the time!)

You excel in: Leadership positions

You get along best with: The Semi-Colon
What Punctuation Mark Are You?

Friday, November 12, 2010

Nothin' Much, But Then Again...

I've been pretty quiet since last week. I have SO much to say, but not really the words to say it all. There are so many things coming my way. Things I can't even begin to wrap my mind around just yet. I am excited beyond anything I can express.

The way God moves to answer His children just astonishes me every day, at every turn. I dont know what to think or how to take hold of all that is happening around me. I'm just at a total loss for words.

Just thought I'd pop in and share a little bit.



It seems that there is always some sort of transition happening in us or around us...

It seems that I have been in that same season for the longest time now. Always a change, always an adjustment to be made. Just when I get comfortable and think things are settling down nicely they get shaken up again.

I never quite get used to it.

It seems that what used to be 'home' is really not any more. Where I used to feel like I fit, where I used to be comfortable, not so much now. And the one place I've been dying to get free from - THAT place has managed to become home to me.

It is such a wierd thing - knowing that more than anybody else, I should feel a sense of belonging but I really don't. I do, however, feel a sense of duty and of responsiblity. I know that I have a responsiblity here and I have reluctantly accepted that responsiblity, but I also know that ultimately this role isn't mine to fill.

And really, I'm ok with that.

It just isn't what I expected it would be....

It seems that in my life the only constant really IS change...

Love Is...

1 Corinthians 13

1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

This has been on my heart for a few days now. I guess that means I need to read it and study it and commit it to my heart in a fresh way...

Don't be surprised if I flesh it out here.

May as well share the knowledge, huh?!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010


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Sunday, November 7, 2010

All This From a Book

Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers.

I've read it 3 times already. Now I'm on number 4.

Every time I read this book, it's different than the first or the last time There is some new insight or some new thought-provoking point of view. This time is no different. I've been reading all day long today and I've never paused so much to let a thought fully materialize or to take in what the Lord is saying to me in that moment.

Today has been full of that.

And amazingly this time, the focus is not on what Hosea is feeling - although I gotta say, I fully get the range of emotions goin on in his heart; this time the focus is on his wife.

How she feels is so real to me. Her fears, her past, her wants and dreams, her needs. All the reasons why the old way seems to be the easier way. All that is leaping off the page at me today. It's forcing me to think about H's heart in all this. Making me consider the things that I don't see  - but that I do SENSE - and that I find it easy to discount because in my sight there is no outward visible change in the condition of his heart.

It's really irritating. And humbling. Oh, and did I mention that it's convicting too? No?Well. It is. Convicting, that is.

Not because my feelings are wrong. Not because this betrayal of my trust or the pain that it has dumped in my lap isn't real. But beause, due to the personal nature of all this, I am failing to do in this situation what I am able to do in virtually every other one in my life: I am not looking beyond the symptom to get to the root. I'm not seeing clearly because I'm not looking in the right place.

My pain might be at his hands; but I have not given the courtesy or respect of recognizing that what is driving him internally had to originate from someone or something. And THAT is the thing that needs to be addressed. All the rest will come as that is worked out of him.  I know this. This is what I lead other women to dig into when I am walking with them through a behavioral transition. I KNOW this stuff.

So why can I do it everybody but H?

I would say it's fear, and I'm sure on some level it is - right now fear that this will keep on going and that it will drive me to be someone I don't know or like, but more than fear, there's the pain and shame of it. Because no matter what anybody says or doesn't say to me, what I FEEL is total humiliation that if I were to lay this bare in real life, this is the stuff that makes Jerry Springer and Maury episodes. It's embarrassing as all get-out that he's put me in such a postion. And other stuff too.

And the pain of it. Well. No matter what anybody says or how anybody tells me to cope or how I should be coping or how ok it is for me to cope my own way, there is a place in this where the pain just simply will NOT go away as long as God allows things to stay at this present impasse - because the behavior is cyclical, which means the emotional impact is also, the only difference from one time to the next being the depth of the pain as I try to deal w/it so that it doesnt take root and wreak more havoc in my spirit...

It's really an awkward place to be.

I discovered Thursday that having put away grieving for my plans, I have no choice but to face myself and let God peel back the scab. It has not been my pleasure, just lemme tell ya.... But I've been doin it. Talkin' to God all honest and what-not. Really gettin it in.

And listening as He reveals my own heart to me.

I have not been impressed with what's really inside me. If I were God, looking at my heart, I think I might feel a twinge of sadness at my internal response to this. But God, in His usual amazing way, has spent today clarifying to me how even the 'sad' part of my feelings is working to train me to love H well. It all goes back to the direction to love past my pain. If I can love God beyond what I know plainly is only taking place in my life because He's allowed it, I can love H in-kind.

Except for H is not perfect like God. And i know that no matter what my heart feels, any stress on my relationship with God is due to MY OWN carnality - not God's failure to love me well or honor my love for Him.

But God told me long ago to love H as I love Him - not in worship but in absoluteness. And that means loving him enough to do what I dont want to do - for him or for God, in spite of how little natural sense it makes to me - on the strength that I somehow trust God enough to trust H's true heart toward me.

And somehow that realization and conversation brought me to something I told God about H long ago: It took me a minute to give in to my heart for him because I knew in my spirit from the start that he was the only man I had ever met who had the power to destroy me emotionally. He awakes things in me that I didn't even know existed. Things that were kept under lock and key, he easily and very unexpectedly possessed. I've always known that I'd know emotional life or destruction at his hands.

In all the times I've read this book, it never dawned on me that there was reference to the fact that the woman Hosea took as his wife felt the same way. She was scared because Hosea's relentless, active love broke down her barriers and she really never saw it coming. She ran because she knew she wasn't at all in control of what was goin on in her heart. She was changing. She just wasn't sure she could openly show the shift and the desire to fully rest and fully trust....

She didn't want her old life. She was just scared as hell of the new one.

Just like H.

I have terribly discounted him in all this. And however counter-intuitive it is to care how he feels, I need to be willing to invest that way. I need to deal with my pain with God; but I need to do what God told me to do long ago: give H access to me and love beyond my pain. I need to see  him with God's eyes.

And that's only gonna happen if i look and listen with my love and not my feelings.

Good grief. This is a tall order.

I checked out a couple weeks ago but I haven't been ok with that. I've tried to make myself be. But I'm not. Because love doesn't do that. I can speak my heart. I can do the things that create a new dynamic between us. I can honor my truth. But I can do all those things and love him too. I dont need to sacrifice one for the other. That's been a huge part of our problem. We need to learn that for one to thrive the other has to exist and be honored - on both his part and mine.

Letting go doesn't mean giving up. It just means I dont have to figure it out.

God said to me a few weeks ago that working in me is His way of working on him. If I don't submit to this and start viewing this the right way, we're gonna live in this circle forever.

It's time to submit, because I can't afford for this to linger. Neither of us can. We need to see God work in our favor and if any part of that is contingent on me, I need to get my act together.

I take back what I've said numerous times...Gomer doesn't need her butt kicked. She needs to be loved beyond her failure, by someone who understands how profoundly changed they are because God loved them that same way.

Oy vey.

All this from a book.

I'm getting it now God... I think I'm starting to understand... Your love has done a profound work in me. For today, for right now in this moment, I'm choosing to believe that that same love, expressed toward H through me will have the same profound effect. Please help me to be strong enough to see past what people say and the advice that comes, to truly look for understanding of  Your instruction and to apply what You reveal, no matter how un-myself it may be. I love You enough to do what I dont want to do. Please don't be sad at my lack of desire; please find pleasure in my willingness to endure.... I do love You. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Thank God I'm Off Tomorrow!

Seriously, what I am more than thankful for today is that tomorrow is a HOLIDAY. Which would mean that I am off work. As much as I love my job, I have not had a day off in almost a year (except holidays). This is a much needed rest.


Enjoy your 4th! And go see Iris to read some more thankfuls.

Biblical Empowerment

The one thing people can do that will empower them beyond anything else is to accept the gift of salvation from our God. It's free and it's His Will. (It is not His will that any should perish.)

Then, as Believers, they should buy and study (again and again) the best self-help book ever written: the Holy Bible.

In these two steps we have found the keys to life. And the best part is that all this free. Doesn't cost a dime. Just some time and a willingness to change.

In exchange for just accpeting the gift and surrendering to the instructions you're given, you get healing, wholeness, and freedom.

What could be better? It is certainly not a fair deal. God gets gipped. We get all the benefit of it. Christ dies. And we get life.

And when you think about it, it's no different than drinking in our culutre's current self-empowerment bent - except that this authority is ... well... a REAL Authority and a true expert. You know He's never gonna mis-lead you or mis-diagnose your issue. HE's not gonna misunderstand or give biased advice, based on His own experience. And what He does in you, what He enables you to do, doesn't depend on your own will power. Only on your obedience. It's HIS Will & Power that makes it all work.

Seriously. You just show up and go along for the ride. He does the rest.

I'll take Jesus & His Daddy anyday.

Everybody else has it all wrong.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

I TOLD You What to Think, but ANSWER ME!!! What Do You Think?

It has been a while since I have posted anything really worth reading...

And this post just may not be worth reading either, but here goes.

So. The whole critical, controlling thing?

Over it.

So Over It.

Are you sure you want to eat that.

Don't watch that.

TV geared solely toward women is un-godly.

It's too dark in here.

20-somethings this. Young people that.

That's not clean enough.

I dont like it like that. I DON'T EAT IT THAT WAY.

No dirty dishes in MY sink - wash them the second you use them. But don't make me wait on you to come outside; I'm ready go right now. Because I can't be kept waiting for something as tedious as washing that cup you just used.

The dog. PUT THE DOG UP. Because she is barking. And playing. And well... Acting like a dog. But let her out. She's a dog. That's what they do.

Go get the grandkid. But don't let me see anything that would say there is a baby in this house. But put her in her bouncer. Feed her. Keep her quiet.

And yes I'm serious.

And yes this list could go on and on and on.

There are actual phone calls made for these sorts of things. Actual conversations had (if you can call one person speaking and the others looking at said person and not being allowed an opinion, a conversation).

Nothing is ok. Nothing is enough. To do what you are asked is still to fail.

And let's go there. Even voluntary things are subject to the opinion the resident dictator allows. Politics? Nah. Fa-get about it. Not TheDictator's opinion? RUBBISH! BAH! You're just foolish. Silly. Shallow. But I'm not being insulting. I'm just stating my opinion. And only my opinion is acceptable in this camp. But baby what do you think?

I have a lot of feelings best left un-said about this whole topic, but I will say this:

It is a beautiful blessing - one of the best the Lord has ever given - that man is NOT God.

Because if we were, we would all be sent to hell. No grace, no mercy, no compassion. Just jugdement, criticism, and a buncha self-righteousness.

It is indeed a blessing that God is God all by Himself.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

2008: A Year of Amazing Grace

I've really been thinking the last few days about this year and what my life looks like these days, how it's changed. I have been contemplating how I would sum up this year.

And finally I came up with an answer.

Looking back at this year, I've got to tell you that this year has been a year of Amazing Grace in my life.

There is always the amazing grace of God's forgiveness, but this year I've come to understand that His grace applies to so much more than just forgiveness for my sins and my failures and my shortcomings.

Grace is looking at people you love and wondering how it will ever be right between you again. And then one day you realize that things are right between you.

Grace is saying Lord I just cant keep waking up this way and going to bed this way. And then one day you realize that you haven't made that statement in ... well... you can't remember how long it's been.

Grace is loving someone so much more than you ever could've imagined loving another person, not sure if they will ever grow into the person you know they are. Praying for them, begging for their repentance. And one day you realize that when you look at him, now you see Christ.

Grace is looking at an unworkable situation, despairing and not sure what to do to make it thru. And you realize that a year has passed and that all things have worked together for your good.

Grace is carrying a burden so deep inside and not knowing how you can continue to serve a God who seems so far from you. You don't know if He really is as trustworthy as you have believed and as He has said. Yet you trust Him. Your mouth opens and worship pours forth. Praises fly off your lips and music flows from your soul because, somehow, you just know that He IS who He says He is.

Grace is being a poor, but living as though you are wealthy.

Grace is facing deep pain and being afraid you will drown, only to discover that you were never alone and that drowning wasn't in the cards for you.

Grace is looking back at a past riddled with mistakes and realizing that the road you have begun to walk has been a road of redemption - giving an opportunity to 're-do' what you didn't do (or do right) the first time around.

Grace is a love so deep that not even your own filth can keep your Lover away.

Grace is God become Life to you.

Grace is His Word becoming your breath.

Grace is His Touch soothing your soul.

Grace is God.

And God is amazing.

This has been my year. The year of Amazing Grace.

Merry Christmas, All.


Thursday, October 7, 2010

... And I Am Changed

Ok I keep starting this post and stopping this post.Typing and deleting. And then considering closing it out, but really wanting to share. So. I'll just let my fingers do their thing.

There is just something extra-special and marvelous about the way God works. Limbo has been my spot. Not so long ago, the Lord told me that all He's promised would come all at once. And it appears that this is true. I'm seeing some amazing things come to pass. All special and all BEYOND exciting. Truly, this is the end of the valley.

I thought I'd be more outwardly excited to be almost at the top of the mountain, but not really. This excited is an internal sort of excited. It is rooted way deep down and when it erupts, I just know it's gonna take me (and everybody else) by storm. This place is not one where the things are what's exciting. The rewards are great, don't get me wrong. But the real excitement is that I can see a truly new person in me. I truly can see the growth. The freedoms I once took so for granted? I view it all now as a privilege. I view it all as a gift that needs to be cared for and used in line with the convictions of the Giver. God's favor and His hand on my life is something I took for granted. Not anymore.

With every passing day, my life reflects more and more God's heart. The joy is that truly He is making me beautiful in His time - and His way. For the first time in my adult life, I believe in who I am created to be. I believe in God's plan for me. I was studying this morning in Exodus. Chapters 3 - 6. At the very end of chapter six, a reference is made to the promise that the Lord made to Abraham,Isaac,and Jacob - saying that in calling Moses (& Aaron), He is remembering that promise. Then it goes on to give the family tree for Israel (Jacob, after his name changed) and his descendants. There were so many names that I recall are seen later in scripture. But Moses and Aaron stuck out for me. There was nothing so special that made them great. Only that the Lord had made a promise that He was bound to fulfill. And He chose two ordinary people to walk in extraordinary relationship with Him. They were just regular men, living their lives, raising their families.

But the Lord called. And they were the two who answered. Moses, doubtful and unsure, but willing. Excuse after excuse. Afraid. But willing. He bore such a large responsibilty. He was GOD to Aaron, for crying out loud. WHO DOES THAT????

Scripture says specifically: 26 It was this same Aaron and Moses to whom the LORD said, "Bring the Israelites out of Egypt by their divisions." 27 They were the ones who spoke to Pharaoh king of Egypt about bringing the Israelites out of Egypt. It was the same Moses and Aaron.

I cannot describe how blown away I was. I am Moses. Ordinary and non-descript. There is nothing so special about me, but that I'm willing. Doubtful, afraid, excuses and all. I'm willing. Questioning the whole time. But I'm willing. Totally uncertain of my ability to weather the storms and the hard-hearted Pharaoh. But willing to serve my Master.

Total change of direction, total re-alignment. Totally new path to walk in shoes that were way too big at first.Tripping over my own feet, and feelin' awful inadequate and unequipped. BUT GOD, just like He did with Moses, made those shoes fit. He equipped me and He has led me in the same way He did Moses. I haven't had another person to guide me. I've only had the Lord. And I have been the one to guide others. Learning and growing the whole time. The Lord of Heaven and Earth has seen fit to use me.

And finally, I believe in the greatness for which He's purposed me. I believe in the plan He has for my life and my family. I believe in the ability (in Him) to do what He's called me to do.

That is the real mountaintop. The deliciousness of walking in such amazing intimacy that 3 years later, I can look at myself and know that I am changed. I am matured. I am unique and special and capable and equipped to live this plan out.

As things move forward, I have a clear vision and a heart that beats to see the unfathomable things of the Lord come to pass. He picked me. I'm that same girl who ran and hid her head in the sand for so long, who's grandmother looked at and saw that I would be the one the Lord would use to fulfill His promise to her. And still, He chose me.

How overwhelming. How absolutely, utterly overwhelming.

The fruit is ripe and fragrant and ready to be plucked from it's branches. It's harvest time you guys, and the best fruit of the harvest is, well, ME.

Because I am changed.

Really and truly be blessed, guys.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Oh The Conviction of It All!

"Love your husband as you love Me. Not in worship, but in absoluteness.'

And then to make that statement even more interesting, the verse that follows immediately is the one Job spoke 'though He slay me yet will I trust Him'.


how tha... ?!
what tha... ?!
who tha... ?!

I'm sorry. I don't understand. *blank stare*

That's all I got on that one.

As I say 'Yes Sir'


==========> THIS is me... kickin' rocks...

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Some Fresh Perspective on God

I have mentioned the study I'm sort of facilitating and the object lessons that I seem to be receiving as a result.

What I did not mention is that I am actually the one who is responsible for creating this study. And it has been an undertaking like nothing I've done before. I'm finding that by virtue of the position of 'teacher', I'm being held to a higher standard and to a much different level of accountability. It's pretty intense.

I've always been a 'teacher', but more in line with mentoring than actual teaching. And I've always taught things that are based on prior experience, never things that I know on the surface, but that I am learning on a deeper level, even as I teach others the same lessons.

This is a really strange place for me to be, because it is compounded by the great game of hurry-up-and-wait me and the Lord seem to be enjoyin' right now. He told me a few weeks ago that as trying as so much of what's happenin' around me is right now, it's all designed to draw me closer to Him. He wants me to know Him in a different way. In a way I've never known Him before.

I actually thought this study would be how He does that, and in some ways it is, but really what's bringing that to pass is that I'm having to change how I see Him as a whole. I have known His grace in so far as Him being a protector. I have known His favor in so far as the positions He's always allowed me to enjoy. I have known His friendship because He tells me lots and lots of stuff. I know Him as a Father because, well, it's how He makes the most sense to me.

Now, I am learning His grace because I am not perfect. And that imperfection allows me to recognize just how often He gives to me more than I could ever deserve on my own. I am coming to know His favor and His love beause He protects me. I am in a position of vulnerability and it leaves me uneasy, but every step of the way, He's keepin' me safe. I know His friendship differently because even though things are wierd right now and I'm all outta wack lots of the time, He sits with me. Lets me confide and vent and just get it all out. And then He tells me to get back up and keep on goin - just like I'd expect from a friend. And I know Him as a Father, because I have had the distinct impression that He hurts with me.

When I was a little girl, my dad used to cry if he had to discipline me or if I had to face something that was difficult. He would hurt because he knew I didn't understand it all just yet, but he knew that it had to be that way because I had to learn the lesson of the challenge. He knew that he could fix it, but he understood a much greater truth: fixing it would hurt me in the long run. But enduring it and standing under the pressure and the pain would build character and confidence in me, the likes of which I'd never know otherwise.

This is the sort of Father the Lord is to me now. I feel His heart when I weep because it's just so tough and I'm just so ready to be done. I know that He wants to take my pain, but He won't because I need to get thru the rest of the process. He's knows better than I do right now that if I don't do this now, I will suffer later. He loves me enough to allow the perfecting of this season to be completed, EVEN THOUGH I don't really get why it has to be this way. Not really. Not completely. But just like the lessons I learned at 15 that I didn't understand then, but understand all too well now, I will come to understand all too well the lessons of this season in my spiritual life as well.

I was feeling like I had hit a wall, and I was purposely trying NOT to break thru that wall because 'to whom much is given, much is required.' And I'm not really feelin' that requirement. But as I walk in obedience to prepare this study and teach it, I'm finding that the only choice I have is to break thru that wall. Because on the other side is the bounty for which I've fought and worked. And more than that, the other side is where I will find the Lord in a fresh new way.

It is in the breaking thru that I will dive deeper and deeper into an infinite God. I will learn His heart and His love in a way that adversity will never teach. There is a level of relationship that is only born of walking in the responsibility of our calls. I haven't been real sure about truly embracing this new thing, but He's been working on that.

In a lot of ways, it seems that this place is HARDER than a season of adversity. Because here is where you want to say 'nope. I paid my dues. I've walked out all that hard stuff and I'm entitled to a break. I'm not doing anymore, at least not right now. Let somebody else do this part. I'mma rest for a bit and I'll hook up with u later.' That tempation is so real for me right now. But my Daddy is so good that He isn't allowing me to fall prey to that. He's giving me the grace to look at this next step and say 'Ok. We both know I'm not really feeling this. We both know I'm tired and not sure just how much more I can take, but I've come too far to quit now. If You've gotten me here, You'll get me the rest of the way - whatever that way is. So I'm gonna trust You. I'm gonna accept this responsibility, even as it overlaps the end of the adversity because there is work to do. Doesn't matter how I feel or if I understand. Only matters that YOU understand. Because in Your time I'll know all I need to know. So let's do this.'

Thru this whole teaching thing, He's making me dig deeper. He's revealing a new side of His character and of His heart. And He's teaching me more than I'll ever be able to teach anyone else.

Time for a new season of transformation, different than any I've experienced before.

His question to me, even as I type this is 'Will you surrender to Me again, or will you take your life back and follow your own ways.'

And as hard as it is, with tears threatening to fall, my answer is fully forming in my spirit, beginning to rest on my heart, almost ready to flow from my lips. 'Yes. Yes Lord. I will surrender to You again. I will choose Your way and not my own. I will follow You no matter what. I will walk in obedience to You now, just as I have before and I will trust You with my life. Your ways are not my ways, nor Your thoughts my thoughts, but Your love is perfect and Your way is best. So, yes Lord. I will follow You.'

And so I guesss a new phase of this journey has begun.

If He asked you the same question, how would you answer?

blessings, ya'll.

Once Again... Thanks God...

'The conversation wont be one either of you plans or expects. But resist not the words in your mouth. Talk to him honestly.'

I start tentatively ... i stop...

'Speak your heart, Love.'

I start again... and then... one statement leads to another one that leads to a poor attitude on the part of H. That leads me to say 'Are we friends enough to have this conversation?'

That leads to the conversation that has been held at bay for a long time but that needed to happen if I was to be alright ever ever ever in life with us being together permanently, after all this.

If we weren't dead before. I'm sure we are now. And I guess that God is gonna revive it.

Because, if He doesn't. It's just gonna stay like it is. He made a choice when he left Friday. And I made one when I started talking.

I'm not even gonna recount the words we exchanged. None of em were nice. All of em were honest. And necessary.

I'm good with obeying. I'm not good with being taken for granted for the sake of his convenience or comfort.

I'm learning to be good with staying. I'm not ever gonna be good with staying at the cost of respect and a real future.

If he loves me, he needs to act like it. Bottom line.

And because I love him, nothin' less than his best is good enough. Real talk.

I'm tired.

Anger has given way to hurt.


And now that hurt is giving way to the warrior chick that I am on the inside.

It's just how I roll in this season of life. Once i get mad. Once I finally stand back up from the blow and really get hot, then I fight. Because I promise I'm not doin all this just to lose. Please believe.

And I know I've said I wanna quit. I know I said I'm willin to forfeit the promises at this point.


I've worked too hard and fought WAY TOO LONG for me to take this one for the team. I'm not handing my life over to satan or any of his minions. Nor am I handing my family over.

H may piss me off. And I might wanna beat him down. But I'm NOT gonna give up my life. Nor am I gonna give up his.

The other grown-butt in all this. I told him friday, that's not even an issue. An inconvenience and a pain in the butt. But not an issue... But i got them too. Thinkin' they won... I got a news-flash. NOT SO MUCH.

The little people that BOTH their triflin' butts have put in the middle - especially the one that I already love, who's heart is gonna be hurt because of the grown-ups? That's a problem. He deserves better than what they're given. And the small one that I'mma learn to love? He deserves a fighting chance at not being plagued by grown-up foolishness.

God has called this mangy pack my family. So I have too. For a long time now. If there was a hope that satan had of me throwin H away, it all faded when the realization hit me squarely in the face that a) that act would prove satan right, and b) children - INNOCENT children - are affected by the choices we all make.

I might be the grown-up who's been wronged in all this. But that doesnt give me the freedom to not take the spiritual responsibilty for all our well-being that God has given me seriously. I dont have to like anything. God never asked me to. But I do have to obey.

And because that's just who I am at this point, I'm gonna obey. God knows my heart. He knows every pain and every bit of frustration and anger that still lingers. But. He's bigger than that. And quite frankly, if He can work in me like He has, He can work in H and that other clown too.

I might feel like transparency is overrated, right now. But I'm not willing to live with defeat or hopelessness. Not at all. And I'm certainly not willin to take one for the team because it'll make me feel better right now.

I'm not givin' anybody the satisfaction of giving up the things I've come to long for because they make it damned inconvenient to cross the finish line. And I'm certainly not giving a THEIF the pleasure of punking me like it's trynna punk my man.

Not even.

Friday night was a wake-up call. He wants She-Ra. He talked all that yack about how he's knows I'm strong - hopin in his head that would mean I'm strong enough to let him hurt me while he bull-corns around and tries to tarry on some decision-making, all the while taking for granted that cuz I've said the Lord has told me to stay committed to us, I'mma do that and not require somethin of him. BLESS HIS HEART. REAL LIFE hit him square in his mug. He got She-Ra alright.

Since both him and God seem to believe - with two totally different motives in mind - that I'm so strong and stuff, I guess I'll just walk it out. And I guess they'll both be proved right.  In all humility and in all honesty. Cuz the very strength H takes for granted is the very strength that REQUIRES me to hold him accountable for my heart, our relationship, and our future. And the very strength God keeps tellin' me I have is the very strength He always restores and calls me to draw from when it's time to stand up and fight.

I guess they're both gonna get to see me rise to the occassion.

I hope I please God.

And I hope H finds some of the same character that he loves so much about me, inside himself.

He's not a sorry man. But he's behavin like one. And it's time that ends.

He thinks he walked away, but he RAN right on into a face-to-face come to Jesus meetin. And I'm gon' do my part to make sure I usher him there.

If you know my heart, you know this isnt said in pride. I know that he's gonna hurt. And I know that God is gonna do some tremendous shaking in him and in all of us. I know that  in the choice to accept this foolishness and receive him back as God rattles his cage is to choose my shame.

I'm choosin. I'm choosing the same shame Christ chose when He chose to die, hoping that I'd accept the gift of life... The shame of God's way. The shame of sacrifice and crucifixtion that leads to someone else's redemption. The shame that leads to something beautiful when the stone is rolled away.

So... I'm gonna accept the lessons about love. I'm gonna take all that and I'm gonna walk in it. Starting now. It's a fight they want... It's a fight they're gonna get. And since my commander-in-chief is God, it's a fight I fully intend to win.

Song of Solomon 8:6... Lord, may my love for H be as strong as death. May its jealousy be as unyielding as the grave. You conquered the grave before Christ faced the cross.  I cant say I believe You and then not stand up and do my part. It's Your job to fix this, not mine. But it's my job to obey and move like You say, to open the door and invite You in. So. Finally. I'll accept the strength You've given me. I'll accept the fact that my heart is not too hard to love H. I'll accept that my heart is not too bitter to love our newest sweetheart. I'll even accept the fact that I'm not too hurt to fight for the best interest of the Intruder. Anything less negates the work You've done in me. So. I'm choosing. Not my way. Your way. Not what's easy. What's right. Not what's natural. What's wise. And not what feels good. But what IS good. Prove Yourself. You spoke to me that You are proving something in my surrender. I will accept that and I will stand and watch as You revive and restore. The enemies I see today, I know in my heart, I will never see them again. Part the Red Sea, God.  I'm taking the authority You've given to me and I'm gonna fight. Because it's either fight or die. And death is not an option. I'm gonna fight. Lord please... Part the Red Sea. Take us safely across on dry land and drown the Egyptians that follow. The conviction that rang out in our conversation, use it to accomplish Your purpose and to draw hearts to You, rather than away from You. Show me what to do, how to love. Show me how to pray and how to stand. And show those who are praying with and for us, exactly what we need as You give us our life back. Heal my sweet son's heart; use the pain that he will feel in this for Your purpose in his life. Open my little one's heart to You, as he enjoys the sweet privilege of seeing his father walk in Godly manhood. Thank You for their lives and thank You for an opportunity to love them beyond my natural ability - as if they were my very own. I'm trusting You God. In Jesus Name. Amen.