The Weekend and It's End Result

We spoke.

We fought.

We did see eachother.

A conversation happened.

And whatever happens next is a direct result of whether or not he believes fat meat is greasy.

I cannot tell you how checked out I am. I know he thinks we made some peace. But we didn't. We called a VERY tentative truce. And I do mean tentative.

Can't even really pinpoint what brought this wall back out and up, but it's there in full force. And I see no way and no need of letting it down. Don't wanna punish him. But do need to beathe for a minute. And engaging with him at this point is not on my agenda. Not even a little bit...

I really feel like he made a choice and he needs to feel some of the impact of that choice. Up until now God has required that I try to be fully present. But at this point, that would require nothing short of an act of God. So. If that's what God wants from me... well... He's gotta make it happen.

Cuz as of Friday night, I checked out. And even in the light of Saturday and a conversation and yesterday and some pleasantries, I've no intention of checking back in. Not any time soon. And not until he makes some choices. You wanna raise your kids. Cool. You wanna treat them better than your daddy treated you. Cool. Can't argue w/that one. Won't even try.

But this thing where your conduct demeans who I am to you in God's estimation? Not so much. Settling. Not who I am. And not what I'mma do.

The very thing you hate is what you run to. The thing you love is what you damage.

Yep.

I'm angry. Again. And still.

I need to get one-on-one with God. And in order for me to do that i have to go beyond my hurt and my disappointment with God because of the challenge of what He's asking of me. I can't do that if I keep getting kicked in my teeth.

So. I'm checked out.  Cuz right now it's just better all the way around.

Yep. The wall. It has been hit. And apparently I hit it hard. This set of feelings is delayed from the battering of Friday and Saturday.

Everytime we do this, this pain deepens and pulls something else outta me... I dont like who I have the potential to be. I dont like the thoughts or feelings that want to take up residence and set up shop. This is not who I am. not at all.

I am at the brink of a meltdown.

God... well... this is His show...Hope He's got something working...Cuz if not... well... Mr. Man is gonna find himself all by  himself to work out his foolishness and clean up his own mess.

yep. that's pretty much it...