Sunday, January 6, 2013

The Ever-Elusive 'Want To'... Some Perspective

God's grace is marvelous.

His Love is contagious.

His Heart goes to depths beyond my imagination or comprehension.

His Spirit... lives.

His Truth. ... It always prevails.

I love Him more now than I ever thought. I know Him better now than I would've imagined. And I hope I keep growing in love toward Him and in intimate, personal, life-altering knowledge of Him.

He is teaching me to love. To understand what it REALLY looks like, lived out. And in that teaching, He is displaying for me, making plain and tangilble to me, the way that He loves me. The way that He's ALWAYS loved me.

He loves me well. Well beyond what I deserve. Well beyond what I can begin to understand. And well beyond anything that I can articulate.

Want-to... It has not risen up in my spirit. And I'm sure that it won't for a while yet. But something better is showing up in a might big way: Compassion. And grace... and Love.

I'll take that.

Want-to is all about a feeling.

Compassion, grace and love are all about understanding (also known as wisdom).

Wisdom trumps feeling. Doesn't change feeling. But definitely overrules feeling.

I was asking for my feelings to be different... DUH. Feelings are fleshly and human. They change on a dime.

I shoulda been asking for insight to be given. It would probably have saved me a few days of tears and such...

Want-to will come as restoration continues.

Wisdom will do nicely until then.

I am discovering that, somehow, all this learning and revealing from the last few months has taken root in my heart and turned into a full-on determination to honor my commitment to God to love H without condition.

Yeah. I know. Blew me away too.

I am also discovering that walking in wisdom also brings peace. The kinda peace that leaves you KNOWING things will be fine when it's all said and done. THAT peace.

And that leads to remembering.... This morning on the way back home to get ready for church, talking to my mom just in general it came to mind that I prayed very specific things over my husband, even before I knew I really WANTED one. I was 20 or 21 when those bold, apparently dangerous, prayers flew from my lips. It dawned on me in the moment that I remembered, that God is establishing that character in H even as I type. In my mom's words: Nehemiah. The wall had to be completely turned to rubble before it could be rebuilt; the foundation had to be rebuilt because the one it was on wasn't good enough. Whatever God is doing, He wanted the foundation to be better in your life, for what He has planned. She didn't know it, but she spoke very directly to one of my 'why's' when she spoke that. As in, "Why Lord, did You do this?" 

Grace in droves. The more I give it, the more He gives it to me. He's preparing my mom's heart to accept this. They won't know all the details. But they'll have to know some. Our talk this moring was meant for us both - for me to understand and see His hand at work, and for her to be ready for the next curveball that comin' her way in the form of my life.

Wisdom. It comes by obedience. And that by Love.

Not by want-to.

Because one really has nothing to do with the other. Not when you consider that love is bound by it's own character to relentlessly pursue it's object, no matter the cost to itself.

Want-to isn't even on the team.

and I think finally, that i'm alright with that...

Not because I dont want it. But because I've learned that need turns into want, when we honor it...

So. I'll take that. I'll honor need for now - cuz I know God will turn it into 'want' later.


YAY!!!! for a change in perspective!

Now let's just hope I can hold on to it... ha!

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