Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Look at God

You know what? I haven't done a thankful post in a long time. But today, I feel a bit compelled to join in.

Last year was rough. And I really do mean ROUGH. This year is starting out significantly better. Which is my first thankful.

God has been showing me some things since the first of the year that just blow me away. Something I've been praying for for seven years is starting to materialize. I realized that the first part - which is a miracle in itself - has happened. Everything else will flow in due time. I'm thankful. You just have no idea.

My word for the year is 'release'. In my work life, that process is well underway. God is opening a new door, but working it out so that my loyalty cannot be dismissed. He is showing me that He does all things well and that He is indeed a promise-keeper. I'm beyond thankful on this one.

Preparation. So much has gone in and so much has been endured. And God has been good to give me a heads-up for a lot of it. He's doing that again; giving me word NOW for what's to come, so that it can be hidden in my heart and drawn on at the appointed time. My God is so beautiful. And I'm thankful

This list could go on and on and on, but I'll stop here. I've missed ya'll! I'll do this more often!

head to Lynn's blog to join in.

Love you.

Shame & All That

I was talking to my person yesterday and I mentioned the shame part of this thing and she said something so very insightful... Outside your family and your closest people, who really has to know? People know so little about the two of you in general that most people will never know the reality of this unless you tell them. And even with your family, how much do you really have to share. All they will know is that it's there. They wont know when you found out how you found out or any of that, unless you tell them.

She made a great point. And it stayed with me all evening and night and on into this morning.

Add to that the fact that I have a circle of women that God gave me pretty shortly after I started this blog as friends and a support system. As a matter of fact, I met one of my best friends through this group.

(See a set-up comin in this? Yeah. I didnt either at first... )

I was brave enough to ask them to pray in general yesterday. But I wasn't brave enough to share the whole story.

Even as I typed, I heard the Father say 'I have given them to you for support. Allow them to support you.' And like the wonderful women they are, they rose up with wisdom and encouragement that just blessed my soul.

This morning I heard again 'let them support you.' So. I took the risk. I shared all of it. Gave them details and specifics. These women, i know they are prayer warriors. I know they seek God. I know that they know God in the unorthodoxy of life. And God said let them in. So I did...

As I was typing, putting it all out there for everybody to know, God showed me something... The only way this will be a shame that we have to bear is if we treat it as such. Is this situation a result of sin? Yes. But is the end result truly something of which to be ashamed? Not at all.

It dawned on me as I was typing and feeling fear and uncertainty and all those things about sharing such an intimate personal part of my heart, that the only power this situation will carry is that that is ascribed to it by me.

Shame is only as powerful as you allow it to be.

This situation is no different than anyother one we've faced. Not really. I've taken the same position in this relationship all along: you dont have to like it. You dont have to agree. You dont even have to understand. But at the end of the day, you need to accept it and respect it. Cuz if I can get over it, and I'm the one in it and ultimately paying whatever cost for it, then surely you can.

This is the same. People make mistakes. Bad choices. There are countless personal indiscretions all across the board in all our lives and none is any worse or any better in God's sight. And they all cost somebody something somewhere. But that doesnt take away from the fact that we are each worthy of love and of experiencing God's absolute best for our lives.

I'm no better than H. Who, exactly, am I that should think myself to good to work this out? Who, exactly, am I that I should believe I have a right to be too tired, too done, too... whatever... to extend the same grace and offer the same love and take the same joy in healing that has been extended, offered, and taken in me?

I'm outta line. This is not a shame. But my attitude. My conduct. If it doesn't line up, it most definitely will be.

What satan means for evil God means for good.

No weapon formed against us shall prosper.

Love never fails.

This battle is not against flesh and blood. And as much as I have resented H seeing me as the enemy, I need to stop seeing his people that way. They are not the enemy. The spirits at work in & through them, THEY are the enemies. And they won't be defeated by my own pride, hurt, and bad attitude. The greatest weapon we have is Love. It's in Ecclesiastes somewhere.

Satan knows me. He knows my arrogance. He knows my history. He knows my fear of rejection. He knows my pride. He isn't playing for just one life. He wants the whole shebang.

Romans 5:19-21 'For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so alas through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous. The law was added so that the trespass might increase. But where sin increased, GRACE INCREASED ALL THE MORE, so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign THROUGH righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

The direction to me is nothing complicated: Know who You are. Stay firm. Be righteous. Love your husband.

I have asked God to credit my faith as righteousness. Obedience is a by-product of that.... and based on this passage obedience leads to righteousness, which allows grace to increase and to reign so that God's eternal work can be made manifest.

God is doing an eternal work. Of all the players here, the most important choice any one of us can make is righteousness. So... in as much as I can choose. In as much as my choice matters, I choose righteousness. And I pray that through that choice on my part, the many would be made righteous in this and that eternal life would come to them that have yet to recieve the gift of God's love.

I am no better than my husband. God's grace was enough for me and it's foolish of me to not believe that it's enough for H.

Yeah. I'm getting over myself.

When The Rubber Meets The Road... You'll Know You're Ready

"She needs to be loved beyond her failure, by someone who understands how profoundly changed they are because God loved them that same way."

This is real life.Where rubber meets the road.

God has also said to me repeatedly, and at varios times 'let your light so shine before men...'

Didn't really get it. But now maybe it's becoming clear.

I need to live what I've learned, live who I've become. And I need to do it out loud and in color.

It's no good to learn God's truth - to have a personal revelatory and experiential understanding of Truth - and then to hide it under a bushel until it's 'safe' to put it on display.

The time when truth most matters is when it's pitch black around you. That's when it's most clearly evidenced. That's when you know how bright and strong and real it really is. Not in the light when all  u gotta do is breathe and everything seems all sunshine-y and beautiful.

There's something about darkness that forces you to search for that switch. Frantically. Unrelentingly. Until you find it. Because if you dont find it, it'll take you FOREVER to find your way outta that room!

Simple enough, right?

Except that this light is internal and in order for it to shine,  you have to choose to let that switch (that is faith) come on and take center stage.

The more you use it, the brighter it gets. Just like a muscle. When u exercise it, it gets stronger and stronger.

"Rosheeda, let your light so shine..."

Don't talk about it, be about it. Anybody can talk a good game. But real faith puts the rubber to the road.

It allows itself to mature and to breathe the breath that gives it fresh life and deep roots.

This is character-strengthening and heart-tranforming. This whole process. That's what it's been about.This whole journey. All this work and all this pain.

I'm watching it collide in this space in time. God told me it would be this way, that in one colossal set of events I'd know I was ready for what He's asking. I see it now. I see it in the last few days of hashing all this out and just letting Him speak to my heart. That post last night. I'm realizing the truth of what He's done - what He's doing. The privilege that He's giving me by allowing me to play such an intimate intricate role in someone else realizing God's love for them and His desire to give them abundance.

I get it. 

I'm ready. 

I'm not thrilled about how it's gone down or how it's come to light, but really. As much as this kinda responsibility has always unsettled me, I know now that God made me for this. He knew what He wanted of me and for me before the foundations of time. He knew how i'd feel and what it'd take. He knew the stress it would bring and the war it would raise inside me. And He knew that at the end of the day, I'd do it because He asked. He knew I'd do it with my all and in spite of my fears and doubts. He knew how it would look and how it would end. He knows. 

If I or we weren't ready for all of this, He wouldn't have appointed it to come pass at this time in my life or H's. This is not about him or me. It's about what God wants to do and the part He's asking me to play.  

I am ready. H is ready. That we are making our way thru this road of MUD and still somehow holding tight to eachother and pushing for dear life to see this thru, it proves that.

He's called us for such a time as this.  He's called ME for such a time as this.

God ordained this season in my life and our relationship and He is not clueless. He's in control. Was at the start and is at this very moment.

He knew. He knows.

It's really time for me to believe Him and let my faith live so that we can make our way outta this darkness and into the light of a beautiful brand new day and way of life.

I dunno who, but I'm sure that there's at least one other someone on the face of the earth who has followed God this way and paid a high price up-front but the end result was beyond their wildest dreams. They didn't get there by bemoaning the sacrifice. They got there by accepting it and believing God enough to obey, trusting Him enough to press into Him, and knowing Him well enough to know when to rely solely on His voice and nothing/noone else's.

They let everything they had learned in the shelter of His wings surface when it was time to let the rubber meet the road.

They were willing to be a beacon of light even though the may or may not have felt 'ready' to walk in the call to shine.

So then. I guess it's time that I act like I know who God is. Little by little... Maybe I'm finally making some headway in all this....

Monday, May 9, 2011

Lord Prepare Me

There is so much stuff tumbling around in my heart right now. The Lord is taking me through a season of preparation. I've got one last fear to face - the biggest of all, by far. But it's ok.

And that's why I'm thankful. Because it really is ok. There truly is peace and there is the knowledge that I can do this. He's brought me through so much that I never thought I would be able to endure. He's loved me so hard and so strong and so long... He's moved in me and through me in ways I could never have imagined. And this trial will be no different. He's got this. He loves me and He's bigger than this.

And that fact alone really does make it all ok.

And just for fun, let's do a list:

  • Clay
  • Chrystlyn
  • Ranya
  • Milicent
  • My Church People
  • 1P3

All these people are my people. They are the ones who have my back and who support me no matter what is the madness arond me. I love them and they love me and it is a blessing for us all that we have eachother.

I'm thankful for all that.

Go see Iris. There's more of this stuff over there.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Growth & Progress

Just Be.

That seems so easy, but it so isn't. Not for me.

I've never learned how to do that. But now, through this circumstance, it seems God is about to teach me.

Last week was something to be reckoned with. This week has been significantly better between us.

God's shown me some things about me that need to adjust. He's revealed some things in me that I thought weren't an issue or that I didn't see, in relationship to our relationship.

Appreciation. I gotta do a much better job of that. Verbal and otherwise. I'm not good at it. And in part it's because I think that the things I see changing are things that shoulda already been his reality to start. (Yeah I know I'm wrong. I just said i gotta get better at this part. *smiles*) But the fact is, the changes are God answering my prayers and I need to be grateful, instead of acting like I'm entitled.

And lemme give credit where it's due. He's said this to me before. Just not in a way that made me willing to give it. It came across in a way that rubbed me wrong; and I responded in like fashion. Not good.

But now that I know, I'mma do my best to walk in gratefulness to God and appreciation for H.

And the other thing: let him in. Just BE. It's not always work. It's not always the next task or assignment or battle. Sometimes it just IS and you can just BE. He wants so much to know me beyond my wall. And as long as we've been together, he's never gotten beyond that wall. Not because he hasn't tried, but because I haven't offered to let him. Gotta give the man credit. He knows what battles are pointless. And that woulda been one of 'em.

Yeah. God told me lots of things about this particular battle in my own heart. And it really has little to do with H and more to do with my own make-up. But now it's time to get over that and open up. Really open up and let him see me. All of me. All of the messiness that makes me special and unique. He can handle it. I'M the one who freaks out about those sorts of things. But, he's a tough cookie. He can deal w/my 'me-ness'.

God said at the start of this particular road that it was a blessing in disguise. And it has been. We're emerging from the battleground and it's changed us somehow. Down deep. There is a new awareness of what matters - of what's worth working for.

Yay for growth and change. Thank God that the way we began this battle is not the way we're ending it.

Grace upon grace upon grace.

gotta love that...



... you should just fall. And trust God to catch you.

A friend told me this a few days ago and I havent been able to shake it. I know it was God speaking thru her. Because really. Only He would send such a message. For real. Cuz noone in my real life who knows me would ever suggest such a thing on their own. Because in truth, we all know better than that. Ain't nobody trynna fall, so ain't no need to be caught.

I'm just sayin...

But then God decides to talk to me in my sleep last night... and my dreams... well.. they all point to the fact that I need to fall and trust Him to catch me.

So. I guess i'll get to work on that.

Might even make a go of it this weekend.

ah well...

be back later....

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Thank You Ladies

Good morning Ladies!

I need to tell you thank you. All of you that are praying with me and for us, thank you. I appreciate your heart for a stranger and I appreciate your desire to see God reign in my life. You guys have shown me real community in this and it means more than you know.

More than you can know, I appreciate you. Know that I'm also praying for you.


Thank you Lord for who You are.

God, I come before You first asking forgiveness for anything that I have done that has not been pleasing or acceptable in Your sight. I ask that You would forgive me and that You would show me how to do what is pleasing and honorable in Your sight.

I love you Lord. Thank You for Your peace in all this. Thank You for clarity and for the heart to accept wisdom, even as it humbles me to walk in obedience.I appreciate You Father. I appreciate the love You've put on display for me and toward me.

I come this morning God asking that every woman who had come before You on our behalf would be given a special blessing. God I ask special favor, special grace, special annointing in their own marriages, relationships, homes, families, & lives. Lord please pour out Your power upon them and Your annointing. Give them abundant life.

Thank You Lord for sisters in You who are willing to stand with a woman they may or may not know and who are willing to come before You on our behalf,seeking Your best in our life when their time could be spent doing other things.

I dont have much that I can give, but I can give thanks and I can pray a blessing on their lives. So Lord, I pray a blessing on their lives.

In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Thankful Thursday - God & Stuff

So.Today I'm thankful. Just because God is who He says He is.