Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Promises Fulfilled...

"I make everything beautiful in its time"

Ecclesiastes 3:11

He does indeed. I cannot express what I feel as I type this. I am watching something unfold that in my wildest dreams, I could probably never have conjured up on my own. (Same as the Lord told me a week or so ago. Habakkuk)

He can do exceedingly abundantly above all we can ask or think. Seriously.

Once everything is finalized, I will share with you what all the excitement it, but for now, I just really need to share with anybody who'll listen (or read) how great my God is.

When I was praying for me, and then for others, I had no clue really how MANY others. I had no clue that my obedience was necessary for this to come together for any of us. I had no idea the way the Lord would work any of this out. I'm really pretty at a loss for words. I wonder what would've happened had I not been obedient enough two years ago to quit my job and to just wait on the Lord to provide His Job for me.

Goodness gracious. Thank God for His Sovereignty.

Blessings and I'll see you guys next week.

And by the way:


Monday, October 10, 2011

This Election And What-Have-You

XBOX Wife Ten Things Tuesday

I thought I'd join in this week, since I remembered before the week was already up!

  1. I cannot describe my joy that this election is almost over. I am not big on politics to begin, but this campaign has really grated on my nerves.
  2. I am grateful for the privilege of voting. It is a responsibility but also a huge honor.
  3. BE WARNED - I'M GOIN' THERE. I feel an extreme elation with regards to Barack Obama even just having the opportunity to run for office. Whether or not I agree with some or all of his politics and policies - and whether or not he wins - his representation of the black community is commendable. He is well-spoken, articulate, well-thought, and his family is his center - as much is obvious by watching he and his wife. I wasn't sure I'd ever see this opportunity for someone who looks like me and I count it a blessing that our community has that privilege.
  4. I am also grateful that I have such a diverse circle of friends. We are from such diverse backgrounds and ethnicities. I love that there is friendship to be found in so many different ways and perspectives.
  5. I am grateful for my relationship with the Lord. I have learned so much in the past few years - the things that come only from cultivating a genuine relationship with Him. Blogging presents so many different views of faith, many of them uber-conservative, and knowing Him for myself is helping me to form convictions that are truly mine.
  6. I burned myself pretty severely last week. It is healing and I am not hurting finally. YAY!!!
  7. I have also had the sinus infection from h*ll. It is FINALLY clearing up! WOO-HOO!!!!!
  8. Fall. The leaves are gorgeous. The temperature is pretty mild. And it reminds me of the way life cycles.
  9. Learning to relax with Chu. It's nice. We're growing and becoming more and more one. It's special.
  10. Grace. I am a heap of filthy rags. God loves me more than He hates my mess.

Stop by Jill's place and join us!


I've been trying for days to figure out exactly what is my deal.

This whole week has been thrown off. It has felt like a blanket of weariness and ... strife... has just been rested on me and it's been like trynna fight my way out of a wet paper sack. Something HUGE has just been in the way of my heart.

Monday sucked.

Tuesday got better. Then my two psuedo-bosses happened.

Yesterday... well... after a real straight conversation with a couple people, I was cool for the rest of the day.

And then....

I had a great night with H. An absolutely great night.

And finally... FINALLY.... I am able to do what God has been telling me I need to do for days now: process what's in my heart.

I couldn't put my finger on it; I haven't been able to hear God clearly. But in the midst of silence today He spoke plainly and what He said was: 'You're scared'

Can I just say, DUH?!

Well OF COURSE that's what's wrong with me!

Things are goin' way too smoothly for me and H. I'm struggling to rest in what I'm seeing happen between us. I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I had another do-or-die conversation yesterday. This one was professionally. And well... Much like the one with H, once my mouth opened... it didn't close. That ball started rollin' and it didn't lose steam til it was spent. It stopped as abruptly as it began. And it began for the same reason as the coversation with Heath; God said 'speak your truth, love'... so.... the door opened.... and i walked right on thru...

And ya know, the same w/H, I know that what I said was appropriate, right, and true. I know that I was not being emotional - although my emotions were pretty evident. And I know that it was necessary to put it out there, if for no other reason than so that all the cards on the table.

But just like that night w/H, it left me a little sad and hurt, allbeit in a different way. Because I know that something was broken in the midst of it. I know that, no matter what God chooses to do in that situation, the relationships that were touched are forever changed. Fundamentally and at their core. It's the end of a thing I've wanted free of for the last 3 years.

I'm excited about that.

But I'm also nervous. Because well... Good, bad, or indifferent (and let's please ALL hope that it'll be the 1st of the 3 - sheesh), it means change.

This whole season of life is beginning to be about change. And change scares me. It always has. Because I am a very straight-line kinda girl. I like life to be stable and predictable. Even after all this, I still am not a fan of lots of change - especially not if it means throwing me into a new group of people.

I am looking for a job. Have been for a while. And I have also committed to seeing the project w/this company thru to the end. Because it's right. But I have no desire, once that's done, to go back to work with or for them. And I doubt that I can now, because there really is no respect remaining...

But... i thought that same thing about H. I want(ed) to be done. Because really... respect... well... it took a vacation for a GOOD minute - and even now, only has it's pinky-toe in the water (just bein honest). And in spite of that, God DIDN'T let me turn away and I am STILL here.

Which is really what I fear most. Even more than change.

My greatest fear is that it will all stay the same....

It's been so tough for so long that I am strugglin' to let myself believe that the change is a) real and b) in my favor. Nevermind that I've been obedient and I should expect to reap the fruit of that. But the one lesson that thas been driven home again and again is that obedience doesn't guarantee an outcome that leaves you all blissful. Sometimes it bears a tremendous cost. And so far, more often than not, I've paid the cost and not seen that prosperous side of it all...

So. Needless to say, I am good and uneasy about believing that H is really turning around and that we are really gonna survive this OR that my work situation is gonna be what God has been saying for THREE YEARS He intends it to be. Because watching these jokers bumble around is not confidence-inspiring. And trusting them is not EVEN an option. But I did it on the strength of that God said so, and I'll take the next job w/that same perspective. If God says take it, I'll take it. No matter how ridiculous it all is to me.

I've set this precedent in my life of radical obedience and now I'm left to wonder if it will always be so... well... extreme... I'm left to wonder if EVERY thing about this life will always be such a miraculous  'if God doesn't do it, then it ain't gettin done' kinda thing.... I mean, I know that on some levels everything is that way. But I'm talkin about BIG stuff. Is everything gonna always be a BIG thing?

GEEZ. Can it just not ALL be a big flippin' thing?!

Move forward. I long to.

But limbo. It's easier. More comfortable.

H and I have this great thing happenin' between us, but what if what happened to us at first happens again now? Nobody knows it but me, but the real block for me and him hasn't been just some of his choices and etc. It's that we changed the dynamic. When we were just seeing eachother, as in not committed, things were easy and laid back. No rules. No responsibilities. It was exactly what it was for the both of us. Soon as we put a name to things it all shifted and turned into a silent battle to really get past ourselves. Because well really... who expected to have to take some ownership?

Now we're there again. We are 'us'. Nobody really wants to define anything. And we have this great thing happening - in large part, and in spite of us, because we do have SOME solid history to build on. But what happens when God says 'ok it's time to go on back home dude. enough of this. time for you to honor her heart and My instruction'... ? Do we lose that momentum again?

The very thought is enough to make limbo cool with me. Because in this place I have my H. The one that makes me laugh and smile and just in general relax. And while it's not ideal, it certainly is easier and preferable to another hurdle to jump. Cuz um. I'm over that.

And work. Well. It has been a hot mess from the start. And I only took the job because God told me to. Matter of fact, I VOLUNTEERED my time to these people and they offered a job.... I had no intention of this being a long-term anything w/them. Cuz well... They are a hot mess. (have I already said that?! My bad. *rollin my eyes*) But God had other plans. And professional obedience has cost way more than I care to revisit. The very idea that things might actually come togehter and those .... people... come lookin at me talkin' about, we want you to come back and  blah blah blah, and that God MIGHT say 'stay'. THAT is not on my top ten list of ways to spend my life.

I have no job now. I am doing sitter/helper/nanny-type stuff for a couple friends. But that's my only income. And seriously. It is pitiful for me to say that I'd rather kick it right here in this SAME place than move forward and be asked to stomach more of what I'm trynna get away from - or more of a new company with attitudes like that of the old one. But  that's exactly how I feel.... And that's sad.

What this all boils down to is this: God is unpredictable. His ways are unorthodox. His instructions have nothing to do with how they will feel or how it will make us look. And the obedience He expects of me is not rooted in the outcome, only in the fact that He says so. He doesn't care if  I look ridiculous before people. He doesn't care that I'm judged harshly for my surrender to Him. He cares that His purposes are accomplished.

And He's God. So He has that right.

But that said, knowing all that... understanding all that... it scares the heavens outta me. Because what if moving forward just means more of the same, except in an even more binding circumstance? What if, ultimately it's just the same song-n-dance, lived out as a more mature version of me than this last time around.

And really, I'm so not a fan of any of that. Not on any level.

I am just not a fan.

But there really is no choice in this, right? Isn't the only option to move forward and live life? Trust God and believe Him when He says that it's time to enjoy the fruits of the labor. That's the right thing to do, huh?

I know it is. And I know that God does care how I feel. He does care what affects me and the pain that it causes me. It all matters to Him.

But it doesn't change what He requires of me.

And maybe THAT'S what really has me afraid....

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Thankful Thursday - Deliverance

I am not going into detail on this one, but the Lord's deliverance is real and it is true. He has shown me so much in the way of grace, mercy, and love. This week has been a week of acceptance, release and surrender.

The Lord's word is real and true when it says He delivers us from stronghold and generational sins and curses.

Having been freed from those things this week, I am now seeing His Will begin to come to pass in my life.

I am thankful for the deliverance from things that have had a tight hold on me all my life. I am grateful that the Lord has opened my heart and my spirit to know when His deliverance is had in me and in those around me.

Lord, I love you.
Thank you for freedom from things that have long been a part of me. I love you.
In Jesus' Name, Amen.



The point of this post is pretty obvious by now, right?

I have been so leary of hoping or of being truly excited by all that is happening in my world and around me right now.

But I learned today that I don't need to be - not at all. Because EVERYTHING the Lord has told me and then some is coming to pass.

Provisional needs? Met. Every last one. And got the nerve to be met, with some left over!

I want to spill the details so badly, but I have to wait until it is all official.

Ya'll God is so good! So so good! I can rest easy now. At every turn the Lord is proving to me just how faithful He is. He told me long ago that He would elevate me and that noone would be able to doubt His hand in my life.

I am speechless....


Friday, October 7, 2011

Thankful Thursday - CLAY

I'm thankful today for my Man. I haven't mentioned him in a long time. But today I'm gonna talk him up a bit.

He and I have gone thru some things. Related to some stuff. And the Lord has still been so good to us (me) that He didn't take what He had reserved for us to enjoy together. Instead, we got another chance to get it together and make it work. And it has truly begun to work. Please know that he can be a challenge. But what man isn't? But his high points far outweigh his less-than-stellar moments.

So, this week we have:


  • He loves me, faults flaws and all. I can't push him away. I can't run him away. He just wont' leave. And that's JUST HOW I LIKE IT.
  • His heart is gentle with me and kind. Loving and caring.
  • I'm sorry is not something that is foreign to his tongue. (hard to say, but not foreign) I appreciate that he can admit his mistakes and that he really means itwhen he says 'I'm sorry'
  • LOL, pure vanity on this one, but um. He's just HOT.
  • The most important: He is every prayer of my heart for a husband, and what hasn't been fully cultivated yet, will be soon - because the Lord has said so. God has truly truly heard my petitions, seen my desires, and answered according to His riches in glory. Clay is one of those riches for which I will be forever grateful.

Ok. So now that I've gushed enough to make his head explode, if you want to join in or read more, head over to Iris' place and link back to your TT post!


The Conversation In My Head... The Reality of My Heart

The reality of my heart is so easy: I'm weary. Tired. And sad about somethin' - that very promise, in fact that I'm (trying not to) laugh at right now.

And I'm wrong.

My attitude is all wrong. Again with the quality time with God today. I hear Him in my 6a.m. wake-up whine from a 5 month old puppy. Thru my haze of sleep, I hear: 'Are you still here because of obedience, or simply because you haven't yet found an out?'

C'mon. REALLY?!

What sorta question is that?! ... I'll keep it real: it was a good one. Cuz what started out as obedience has over the last few months come dangerously close to resignation. And who can blame me, right?! The one or two people who read this blog and actually know me IRL KNOW that seriously, WHO CAN BLAME ME?!

But because God is well... God... He wants an answer. Which only leads to a conversation. Which only serves to frustrate me. Because 0ptimism is eluding me right now at this present time. And in spite of the wrongness of the stuff around me, I'M the one getting warned about an attitude adjustment if I'm not careful.

yeah. can we all say UNFAIR? Uh-huh. That's what I thought.

And so. Because me and God finally have this conversation (where I listened and He talked), I now have this crazy conversation running through my head. And it is terribly nerve-racking. Because really. All that I think, all that I feel. I shouldn't have to say this stuff. We're too far along in this game for me to have to say this stuff.

However. Apparently we are not. And as my mind is moving and my feelings are surfacing, I hear again through my cloud: 'Your feelings are not wrong. These things need to be addressed. I will give the opportunity. Be bold and frank.' ... I believe that God just needed comic relief today. Because bold and frank tends to be my perpetual state - especially these days. And I'm not sure how that's supposed to be of benefit to the other part of this duo.

Eh. Well. I guess we'll see what happens... And as much as I'm not looking forward to it, I know that it's true that this needs to happen. It seriously needs to happen. So. Bold & Frank it is.

Because the conversation in my head really IS the reality of my heart. I cant deny it. He cant' help but feel it. So I guess I need to say it.


Once again,God.You win.

REALLY. You win.


Wednesday, October 5, 2011

The Way You Love Me

Remember that song I said I'd share lyrics to when I was ready? Here they are:
This heart breaks…Slowly…
Tell me, what are u doing to me?
When I prayed ‘Do what it takes’
I didn’t know I’d lose everything
Everything that meant anything to me is gone
Somethin’ right has to come from this wrong
It is the hurt that breaks me
It is the pain that pulls me to my knees
And the, tears they changed me til what I couldn’t see becomes so clear to me…
This is the way, the way that you love me

My way
Destroying me
I couldn’t see I was my worst enemy
So you took away til my soul ached
And I knew that it was no mistake that everything that meant anything to me was gone
Somethin’ right has to come from this wrong
It is the hurt that breaks me
It is the pain that pulls me to my knees
And the tears they’ve changed me til what I couldn’t see becomes so clear to me

And this is the waaaaaay

You love me so much that you let, you let me fall knowing that I would lose it all and hear your call
You love me so much that you chased me…
When I ran away you captured me by letting me run to the end of myself
To the end of myself

And this is the way you love me

The way you love me

It is the hurt that breaks me
It is the pain that pulls me to my knees
It is the tears they’ve changed me
Til what I couldn’t see becomes so clear to me

And this is the way
The way that you love me

This is the way You love me

These words resonate deep inside me. They sound sad and like someone with a broken heart, but only if you've never been there with Him before.
HOWEVER, if you've been here before, you understand that even though there is hurt and pain and tears, there is also an amazing knowledge of God's power, sovereignty, and love that comes from this place.
This is the place in the journey where, when it's all said and done, you find your rest. Because in all that you've had to endure God's purpose has become (or is becoming) clear. The loss, the fear, the hurt, all the stuff that has befallen you confronts you and you look at Him and say 'I see it now. It's clear. Who You are. How You love me. It's clear.' All that becomes real.
And as I alluded to last week, I am here. There is one more thing before the door on my past is closed. One more fear to face, one more trial to endure, one more peace to make. And as He prepares me, I realize that this truly is the way that He loves me. What He's requiring of me brings with it a pain that I am afraid to experience. I doubt that I can stand under it. But He knows that I can. HE already knows what's needs to be. Because as a result of a pain so deep that it rocks my core, I will also simultaneously experience a love so deep that it heals all the hurts and washes all the dry places.
I will be made fresh and new in this next few months and I will be ready to walk in full obedience to the call on my life.
Because He loves me enough to take me to a place where He has to be my source and my strength, I will know His love in a new way, on a new level... Just like every other trial I've endured has taken me deeper, so will this one.
That in the midst of storms He speaks and calms raging seas is amazing. And I have watch it become reality in my own life, I find truly that it is an act of love that He takes us there and then demonstrates His own amazingness for all to see.

Over the next *however long* stretch of time, I will probably talk (or type) this out - because I need to. I need to wrap my mind and heart around all that's comin' and I need to let His love settle on my heart and spirit. I'm gonna share what I can (and it probably won't be much), but know that the encouragement you always give is invaluable and will be even moreso now than ever...
And Jenn, I know you're there. Always have been, always will be. And I love you for it. This soldier-girl action is no small endeavor and your tenacity will be well rewarded. Just obey Him. Trust what seems crazy; walk in what hurts to the core of your being. And then as you do all that, watch Him work it all out in a way that protects the life He's promised you, even as He systematically strips you of the life He never meant you to lead. His perfect time, His mysterious ways, they all work together for our good and He does all things well. Ride or die, chica. He told me to take you with me, so grab those timbs and that water-bottle and let's get to it... I love you with the heart and passion of Christ. I love you.

Easter This Year

As I was driving today, i was listening to a cd that was just worship...and as i started reflecting and really thinking and allowing a little of what has been deposited in my spirit over the last few days/weeks to sink fully in, it dawned on me that Easter is really the perfect season to learn about/study God's love.

Studying the 'Love chapter' has really shown me a different aspect of God, as Love. The feelings I'm wading thru in this place and the effort that it is to love in spite of those things is giving me a very new and much deeper understanding, appreciation, and respect for Christ's sacrifice for us... and somehow, out of all that musing, as I was thinking and asking God what exactly I should realize about Easter this year, what came to my heart is that Easter this year is a wonderful celebration of His power, in our utter utter failure.

The first of April marked 4 years to the date that this journey really started in a tangible way. It was the day God instructed me to leave my job. And things have never been the same. I had made a mess of my life and had no idea how it was gonna come back together. I was disappointed in myself and over the first year or two of the process, I have never felt such failure and shame. But God's power was so evident; His hand in
my life was so obvious and so overwhelming...

I thought about all that today and how powerful God truly is to take every detail and every decision into account as He planned my life, and how He's been bigger than ANY decision I've ever made. Then I thought of the cross and how powerful God has to be to very literally raise a man from the dead and bring him back to life. The fact that He led Christ thru the most painful set of circumstances he would ever face - that any man would face, for htat matter - knowing all that what looked like the end, was NOT, in fact, the end, but only the beginning. The story only got better from there. And all the shame Christ suffered was laid aside as God proved Himself God alone to all creation.

That blows me away;and it speaks to my spirit in such a tremendous way... God is Sovereign over all And all-powerful. Just blows me away, ya'll...

What about you. What does this Easter mean to you in your current season of life?

More Wisdom

'Sometimes when there are only a few words that can be uttered in truth or in kindness, you have to recognize that it only takes those few words to open the door for restoration and regeneration in your relationship'

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Emotionally Speaking...

I am all over the map.

Tired. Incredibly sad. Not a little ready to just move on.

Not angry. Not bitter.

Just incredibly ready to write this whole deal off.

I cannot help but recognize and believe that an awful lot of what I'm feeling is coming from the last few weeks' sermons and bible study.

There has been this series of conviction in my heart and again, God calling me. Asking me to be making some deicsions.  Par for the course, right?

Yeah. Not so much. Not right now anyway.

Then add to that that we had our first tiff since WWIII and well. I'm just ready to move along. The tiff wasn't even big. It wasn't major. It wasn't something that left me feelin' like we're fallin apart at the seams. Quite the opposite really.

I feel nothing.

And that's not the best place for me to be.

For me to feel nothing is for me to be totally disengaged.

And in light of what God's been asking of me and telling me, disengaged is not really a good look.

Words. I have them. But what good are they, since I cannot articulate them and do what God has said most recently: BELIEVE HIM....

Exhausted. And through.

I dont want to see the inside of my church. I dont want to pick up that flippin' workbook for my biblestudy. I dont want to hear his voice. I dont want to see a plan or a consider any detail that makes him further a part of my life or my journey.

I wanna get on with my life. Without him.

I dont want to deal with the folx. I dont want to navigate the water in front of us. I dont want to swallow my distaste for his people - because i really just wanna punch them in their throats, with the exception of just a handful. I dont wanna feel the hurt of my family's lack of understanding of all that's coming.

I just dont wanna deal with this.

I don't want to stand and fight for another soul that isn't willing to fight for itself. I dont wanna fight battles for people who could care less about me or my well-being; I dont wanna stand in the gap for people who encouraged him to break my heart. I just dont wanna do any of that.

I am tired.

This road has been long. This journey seems interminable. The effort its taken (and is taking now) to stand has been exhausting.

I dont care why he needs this. I dont care that I am the link he needs to see God in the way He desires. I dont care how he feels. I dont care that it's not easy for him. I dont care about any of that.

Right now, in this moment, what I care about is that this sacrifice and this grieving seems never-ending. I care that the next few months of my life is gonna be something that SHOULD BE amazing, but will only be more sacrifice. I care that he's taken all of what I was willing to give to him freely and turned it now into this giant set of hurdles to jump because he was too selfish, too irresponsible, and too in need of an ego stroke to do what was right and honorable and decent.

That's what I care about in this moment. That's where my heart is right now.

And I really wish God would just look at that, understand it, and tell me I dont have to do this if I dont want to. Because I don't. I wish that He would give me a pass and just let me move along. Deal with my own heart in all this and then get over this whole season of life.

I dont wanna do life with him. I dont wanna spend a few more years watching him grow up. I dont wanna bear the weight of his ridiculousness.

I freakin' dont wanna be bothered.


Why can he not just GO AWAY?

Better yet, why can't I just go away?! Then it would be a no-brainer. I'd be in control of it and I'd know exactly what choice I was making for myself.  Life w/out him, and probably alone thereafter.

I'm alright with that.

Oh. That's right. God said stay. God said accept him and all that comes with this. God said He'll make it right.

THAT'S why I can't go away.


I dont even know where all this came from.

I'm sure that I'll start to muddle thru the sermon notes and such soon...

What a way to be feelin' on a Friday afternoon.

Maybe I just need a good chick-flick so that I can have a reason to cry.

I feel foolish. I have for a long time. Believing God and acting on it now makes me feel even more foolish than I already did (who the heck even knew that was possible?!). And I'm tired of that. Tired of feeling and looking foolish for somebody who doesn't even get it. Why should i give up any more of my reputation for that? Why should i sacrifice anymore emotionally? Why should I work so hard for something that is so absolutely in shambles?

Where is the grace in this for me? Where is the kindness in this, that God says is in His every action in our lives? Where is the evidence that His love for me is at work to make this pile of rubble something worth believing in? Where is MY free will in all this? Why am I the only one who feels bound to obey God - in spite of the fact that it keeps bringing me to my knees and that I feel like I'mma drown in the tears that I cry when I eventually let myself feel this in full? Where are those people who understand God this way and who can walk me thru this pain? Where is somebody who's done this and who won't tell me how much this can't be God and how free I am to just leave? Where is just that one woman who will understand the unorthodoxy that is my life and our relationship and who will know that this IS a sacrifice that I am bound by love to make and that the cost and the ache in my spirit is beyond anything I can put into words? Where is that teacher who can speak over me and help me to hang on?

I'm not one given to looking for outside support. I'm not one who needs approval from others or truly values many opinions on my life when I know I'm doing what's right, what's best, what pleases God and/or makes sense to me. But right now. In this place. In this moment. I need a sister to come alongside me and tell me to hang on. I need her to know that I have to do this. I need my arms to be held up because they are faltering and dangerously close to just giving out. I've got a couple of women who love me and who are alwyas gonna encourage obedience. But they dont'  understand this foolishness. I know they don't. Because I don't.  Not fully. I just need someone who's been here and done this to tell me this will pass. That some want to will rise up from somewhere. That some miraculous transformation will start making itself known and that this WILL be worth it when it's all said and done.

There has got to be one other 'Hosea' story out there that has seen the hand of God deliver Gomer and legitimize that painful life choice. Just one.

Please God, let her find me...

Monday, October 3, 2011

Thankful - Hard Conversations

Ok. I realize that I waited til almost tomorrow to post, but here goes anway. :-)

My thankful today is this:

Me and my dude were talking just a bit ago and the conversation got a little uncomfortable. Nothing bad, but one of those areas that has always been a landmine for us. One of the things about how I do things that he just doesn't get. Because we are looking from different points of view.

I was like 'here we go. We've had this great day and now this.' To my utter shock, we just TALKED. We didn't fight it didn't get tense. We just talked. And it's cool.

The thanks is this: 2 months ago, we would not have talked. We would have had a really 'ANIMATED' discussion and would have been severely 'relationally challenged' for a day or two.

We are growing. Getting better at this communication thing. And buidling a much deeper intimacy with eachother. We've been on the phone ALL DAY. (like neither of us has a job)

Six months ago, that would certainly not have been the case.

Change is good people, very good.

Go see Iris. See ya'll next time!


My Yes Is Yes

I have been so quiet the last few months. I know I have. And I miss a more regular pattern in my blogging, but I just haven't had it in me.

There have been days when doubt has been fierce in my heart. There have been days when the battles around me have weighed heavy on my mind and burdened my spirit in ways I can't even begin to convey. There have been moment of discouragement and fear and all sorts of other things. And God has been there with me thru them all. He has been my bff, my Comforter, my Deliverer, my Redeemer, my Everything.

And then, just when I couldn't take one more day of emotional roller-coastering, God did something in my heart. So many things, I can't even begin to describe. But He did it.

This is a journey and it's full of all the things any long trip would contain. Anticipation and a fresh wide open optimistic heart - just yearning to go, impatience, tiredness, frustration beacuse it takes so freakin long to get there, the feeling that you'll never arrive. All that's been real. And those last three have been a killer for me.

But then God, in all His Godness, showed me something else: pure excitement that we are almost there! I am excited now. Because we are almost there. And trust me. Things dont look that way, but I feel it keenly in my spirit. I KNOW it inside my soul. We are almost there. This trip is almost over.

All the things God has revealed to me, now they're happening. All the things He's shown me, they're coming to pass.

There are so many promises that I've struggled to hold on to, and so many things I've anguished over. It seems surreal now that it's all coming together. There have been so many 'impossible things' on my list of "God, Prove It!"... and He's proving it.

Giddy. Giddy is a great word to describe this place right now.

And the crazy part is this: nothing is new. Not a thing looks different. I'M what looks different. The faith the Lord has given to me has been solidified in some unexpected, but much desired, ways. Again, His work in ME is the most noticeable thing of all. And it is well.

Genuinely, truly, it is well.

I'm lacking in no good thing. And everything else is just extra. This, I think, is the greatest blessing of faith. Seeing a plan so much bigger than any I could imagine and believing God. Seeing HIS PLAN at work in my life - the life He's given me - and believing in it's absolute BESTNESS in my life.

To not be able to see it, touch it, smell it, or taste it just yet - but to know that it is just around the corner - that is a blessing. It is what God has desired of me, and where I have so longed to be.

He's faithful, even when I'm doubtful. He's a blessing, by His very nature. In all cirucmstances He has taught me to be content. And whether I have little or I have much, that I have my God is plenty good enough.

The promises, they are big promises. Miraculous, in fact. And God is able to do it all. This I know. That has not been my question. My question has been 'Lord will you?Lord has all this been in vain? Lord have I given up so much, only to walk away with nothing to show for all the pain and all the tears and all the fears and shame? Has this been a waste?'

And He has been faithful enough to answer me: 'Daughter, I Am faithful and just to keep My promises. I Am not man that I should lie. I honor those who honor Me. I see the sacrifice. I know the cost to you. And I will not allow you to be shamed in your obedience to Me. The choice to follow Me has not been made in vain. This road you have walked, it has not been a waste. It has not been for naught. I see and I know. I will do all that I have promised you.'

Six months ago, three months ago, a month and a half ago, I wasn't sure that was enough. I wasn't sure I could keep going. But His grace has been enough. And I couldn't said it before, but I can say it now: whether or not He chooses to do any of what He promised me, He truly has kept His Word simply in what He has done INSIDE me.

I wasn't sure I'd be willing to serve Him anymore if He chose to allow me to be shamed to the capacity that I will be if His promises don't come to pass. I wasn't sure if, in my heart, I could truly call Him 'good'. But now I know. He's my God. No matter what. All these things. All the things that are 'impossible things', that He says are possible with Him - and His promises to me, no less - all those things are just not important if they come at the cost of me and Him. I can bear the shame, if that is His choice. I can bear the pain, if that is His will. I can bear the uncertainty of my future, if it comes to that. But what I CANNOT bear is life apart from Him. No matter my circumstance, no matter the outcome, I cannot go back. I cannot go back to living life on my own terms and in my own strength. I cannot go back to that place where I was what everyone thought I should be, and not much at all of what He wanted me to be. THAT PLACE is a place to which I can never return.

My faith has waivered, my heart has been faint, and my trust in Him has been lacking on more occassions than I care to admit. But today, right now, as I sit and type this I can say with my heart that I will serve Him anyway. If I never get any of the desires of my heart, I will serve Him anyway.

Because He is worthy. He is holy. He is beautiful beyon description. He is a blessing and a gift to me. And He doesn't owe me anything. Whatever He gives me, is given by His choice alone. I haven't earned it and I don't deserve it. It is enough that He has saved me for Himself in eternity. Anything else is just gravy.

I have wondered if truly my heart is Yours. Father it is. I belong to You. And You alone. I will serve You anyway. I will serve You in shame or adulation. I will serve You in poverty or in wealth. I will serve in isolation or out in the front. I will serve You all my life, til my dying day, and with my last breath. Because You alone are worthy. You alone are holy. You alone are God. If You never give me what I long for on this earth, I will Love You without reserve and I will serve You anyway. My yes, is yes, Lord. May it never change a day in my life. My yes is yes. You are my first love. My all-in-all, my everything. You have all of me, no matter what it costs. You have all of me, God.

In Jesus' Name. Amen.

For My Memory File

Lawlessness begets pain, but discipline reveals beauty.The blossom that is watered in real relationship and consistent sacrifice will always prevail over that which is rooted in the blind expression of selfishness and pride.

I'm posting this here because my journal is somewhere not nearby and I need to remember this, so that I can reflect on it...

Sunday, October 2, 2011

New Sight

God has done an amazing work in the last few weeks.

The things I'm seeing... I cant even begin to articulate how desperately I've longed for them. He is so faithful...

I know that my last several posts have been pretty personal and not a little emotion-filled; I needed that. The emotional dam that I manage to reconstruct time after time really needed to break ... so i blogged... because I want to remember.

I dont wan to dwell on the painful places, but I do want to remember how God has revealed Himelf to me in those places.

Especially now. Because this pain has certainly had a very clear purposed: in this pain we are finding release and healing. And some gentle (or not so much) correction.

Much as I hate to admit it, we needed this. Really we did.

God has given us some challenges. My main ones being to appreciate and to blossom, instead of hiding behind my nature to be more comfortable 'working' than being.

His are much harder, I think, in some respects. He's being challenged to accept newness in himself. To do something so totally not in his box. God's asking him to give up his comfort and control. To let go of self-sufficiency.

And praise Him, he's accepting ... and it's breaking him spiritually in ways that are foreign to him. And that just does something to me...

I cant say it makes me sad, because it doesn't. I've asked God to do this. I've asked God to pursue him relentlessly until he surrenders in full. I've asked God to work a new faith in him,to open his heart and his eyes to the wonder of total obedience and intimate relationship. So to see God doing that is a tremendous joy to me.

But still. I understand that it hurts. I KNOW how badly it hurts. I know how uncomfortable and convicting and frustrating it is to be broken as only God can break you. And that makes me cry out to God for him.

I hear it. I sense it. I feel it. All the emotion that comes w/this and all the tiredness and weariness and just sheer need to say 'FINE. I GIVE UP. Do what YOU want because obviously YOU won't back off until I say yes.'

That's scary ya'll. Very scary.

And, as is God's way, He's using one of the few things that matter to him to break him. The very thing he loves is the very thing that so clearly convicts his heart. What is breaking him, is also simultaneously building him.

It's beautiful, if not a bit heart-wrenching to watch. I see so much and I want so much for him to see himself as God sees him. So many things have taken up residence and lied to him about himself. And that makes me sad. But I can't help delighting in the fact that God is working in him to break down all the lies and deceptions and to plant seeds of truth that will blossom for the rest of his life.

Today, tonight, right now, I have a very real appreciation for what this is costing him. And a new respect for the sacrifice he's making on behalf of us both.

Old things HAVE passed away and all things are being made new.

God is seriously a God who does all things well.. Every detail is covered and every possibility is considered. All of it is carefully, lovingly, patiently orchestrated to ensure that what God does cannot be undone - no matter what may come,as long as we are willing to be obedient.

Obedience is blossoming in my man's spirit. And that's a beautiful thing.

Signs & wonders dear God. Miraculous things. I know where we've come from. And I know where we are now. I have no idea where we're going, but if this is just the beginning I know I don't wanna miss not one more moment of this ride. Protect my man's heart and build up his spirit. Teach him that obedience is better than sacrifice. Allow him to crave You like he craves air. Teach him Your ways oh God. You are a great God and greatly to be praised. I appreciate You. I am grateful that You love us enough to wait for us. Be his like You are mine. Let him live the faith and not just profess it. Thank you Father for all that You're doing. I love You more than anything.

In Jesus' Name, amen.

bye ya'll.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Talkin It Out

So. Now that I've named this thing, maybe I can freely  muddle thru this set of feelings that come so haphazardly these days.

There are those days when things are peachy and fine. And then there are days (or stretches) like the last week when peachy and fine is the furthest thing from my heart.

I have finally come to accept that the choices being made are not being made ONLY out of selfishness, but are genuinely in some way being made because he thinks it's right.... but that only makes it harder to believe that in the end it's gonna all be fine.

And if i'm honest, it only serves to piss me off. Because where was your sense of 'right' when you were making the choices that led to this situation that we now have to face? Where was your sense of right in the midst of all those conversations you were having with OTHER PEOPLE, to include your baby mama, about things that affect MY LIFE?

Is it beautiful that you want to do what's right by your sons? Yes. Is it acceptable that that comes at the cost of my heart? NO.

Me and God. We've been at odds for a minute. And while I'm not still raging about this, in my most lucid state of mind, the only question I've got is: why can I not just be done? He made the choice to walk away. I didn't. So why can't I just grieve this and go on?

Everything in me rails against this process. Everything inside me resents having to extend myself to display love toward him and to ensure that he knows the door is open.  And i know that's what love does. The prob is: i dont want to.

Sincerely, inside me, as much as I love H - because I do - I have no interest in reconciling. I'm good to call this done and move on. A lesson learned and all that. I mean, I have MOMENTS when I just wanna be w/him. But those moments in no way compete with the long-term desire that I have not to have to deal with this mess anymore

But then. Some days... some days I can see past myself to the blessing this really is turning into and I think that maybe if i just stick this part out, that just maybe if I can see the new thing God keeps on saying is showing up, then maybe it will be worth it. And maybe my heart will find it's way back to fully investing itself in us.

This is one of those places in life I could never have imagined. Not even in my wildest dreams....

Inside My Head

A friend sent me an email last night asking for some advice.

And the advice I gave her is drawn directly from this current season.

And that leaves me feeling some kinda way.

This last week has been a little ... non-committal... on my part. I'm doing the right things, but my heart is quickly become 'wrong'. I want to disengage. I just want to go thru the motions. But I need to be engaged. But quite frankly, that just feels like a set-up for there to be some brand new crazy and I just cannot make myself believe that's a good move on my part.

But this email from a friend. The advice was to accept her husband for who he is, where he is and to put up her 'rather-nots' about some things he does that she doesn't care for away in order to let the intimacy between them grown and the trust and freedom between them deepen.

On the surface no big deal. But to be living in my head these days, this spoke to something in me. It showed me that this is in some way a blessing and that what's happening between us is a result of following God's direction to me to close my mouth and be who He's called me to be.

Not throwing up on H emotionally is tough for me. Because all I REALLY want is to tell him what's really flotating in my head. But... I dont. And then nights like last night, he looks to me to be his person. And well. In my heart and humanity, what i REALLY say is, why are u askin that of me. Ask that chick. Why is she not doing these things for you? But what leaves my mouth is, 'we'll figure it out, or if i can i will'. Or even 'i got you. dont worry about it.'

And i just wanna gag. Because how is it that i'm not getting a pass here on the responsibility of us? I'm sooooo tired of bearing responsibilty by myself. But God says so, so i do it.

Then my friend emails me.

And after i send the email, the Lord whispers, 'Now are you beginning to see why this matters to your life? You are able to encourage and minister to others in a very different way than you be otherwise.'

Well. Thanks for that.

And then, as I am sharing how I'm seeing him trust me fully in this because I'm giving up my right to 'expect' of him in some ways, what i find myself wanting to do is take him in my arms and ask him how he's really doing in all this.

But really. I shouldn't care. He chose it. He did it. It's his deal and it's his fault. Why the hell would I care how he feels?

He's overwhelmed. Well...if you hadnt been too wasted to know you were... that chick UNPROTECTED, you wouldnt be overwhelmed.

He's hurting, torn between his kids and his love for me. Well. Again... if you hadn't responded to a LEGITIMATE conversation outta your ego and your pride, you wouldn't be torn. Not like this. Because you would've never made a choice that means you have to hurt your kids to fix your mess. You woulda had to face the music of telling me about small fry. But you would never have been asked to choose between me and them. Because the answer was a simple 'we'll figure it out.' Literally.

Things just dont feel 'right'... SO what. They'll never feel right if you dont figure out that God is God and that His view matters - NOT your own. But far be it from ME to tell you any of that - cuz u got this. OBVIOUSLY you got it, since you seem to be making choices these days that SCREW IT ALL UP for everybody around you.

And that chick. I don't even LIKE that broad. Never have. And pretty sure that at this point, I never will. But really. She doesn't deserve to be hurt, mistreated, and lied to every chance you get so that you can feel like a man but not have to make a choice. No matter how conniving, manipulative, vindictive and ridiculously silly she may be. She doesn't deserve that. No one does.

But, in my Granny's words: "Well I'll be d*mned'.

I DO CARE. And really . What part of the game is this nonsense?!

sigh. is this how love works itself out? really? you care when it's really not safe to do so? you make an effort that you KNOW is gonna leave you in pain?

Sheesh God. Can ya just give me a break on this one? Really. Just lemme breathe for a minute. Just for a minute.

This is my birthday weekend. I am NOT supposed to be this twisted up inside over someone else's foolishness.



That poor man. It really sucked to be him and Gomer needs her butt kicked.