I feel like God is testing me. And He probably is.
This authenticity thing.
It's almost like God has allowed this door to open so that He can prove to me who I really am at this point. Which is all good, except... I dunno the answer.
I mean. I know that I needed to get to the place inside me where I could really be honest w/myself and God and even H about all this. That's not a bad thing at all.
But now, I'm faced with this unexpected turn of events. The more I've surrendered myself to this process this week, the more I see the freedom that I can take right now. I mean really. It is what it is, right? The instruction was to stay.... I'm still here....
But uh... cant that be on my terms?When it's convenient for me? Can't I still be here and even be checked in - only I do what I want outside the time we spend together? I mean... I'm strong enough to not compromise us in any real way, right? I deserve the time to breathe, right? Some 'me' time. Even H says I need it, right?
This authenticity thing... It apparently has the potential to go terribly wrong.
God told me a week or two ago that I would need to be making some choices as to whether or not I would keep on following Him. I would have the opporutnity to choose my road again.
So like, really. In light of the stronghold being broken and the new sense of freedom in my spirit, I am getting a literal do-over here. This is pretty much all the way back to the place where God called me to choose Him or me the first time. And I did it partially. H was the place where God gave me an opportunity to choose Him. H was the right choice, made with the wrong heart, attitude and perspective. God kept showing me, and I kept rejecting it out of hand because it didnt fit MY desires and MY idea of waht was best.
We're back here again. Who can really be shocked?!
And I can very literally do the same thing all over again: make the right choice with the wrong heart, attitude and perspective. I can take advantage of the bond between us and the fact that he'll work hard enough for the both of us to hold on to what we have. Just like I did then.
Or I can make the right choice on every level and choose God fully, instead of a little bit of God with a LOTTA BIT of me.
The glaring difference is that then, I didn't do the things I did with the knowledge that I have now.
But now. Now I know better. And now I'm being called to choose from a place of freedom, rather than of bondage.
The question on the table is this: do you get your freedom, only to squander it and go back to living with a worldly mentatlity? Or do you get your freedom and choose the slavery of righteousness?
"Will you put Me away now and live your own life, or will you follow Me still and fully commit to the life I have for you?"
I mean. Since you put it that way, Lord...
Out of all that I'm tempted with right now, this has been the most appealing. And I need to give it up before I ruin my own life.
A wise woman builds her house but a foolish one tears it down with her hands.
In all the pleasure of self-discovery and freedom, the reality is that I was not set free to do my own thing. God hasn't released me from my fears and bad choices only to have me live life on my own terms.
... God has such a way of making things plain....
H just called me. We talked for a second. He said 'I called you last night, about x number of times.' I responded saying that I saw the last couple of calls, but that my battery had died and I didnt have my charger to call back. Which, was kinda true. My battery was NEARLY dead and it would've died pretty much as soon as I answered. But... I didnt answer the phone because I really just didnt want to be bothered...
His response to my response was to start to say something, but then catch himself and just say 'ok'. Meaning he doesnt believe me. Meaning that he feels like whatever I was doing, I just blew him off...
As we hung up, God gave me an image of him. He's tired. Sweaty and worn out like he just finished the race of his life. And he's broken.
"He's trying to make his way back... "
And the only thought I had was, don't hurt him on purpose. Don't mistreat him.
"Dont reject his efforts."
I'm wrong. This whole set of feelings I've had the last couple of days. They're wrong. It is NOT what it is.
"You cannot on be partially vested. You are committed in full or not at all, but to only check-in partially is to hurt him. You cannot expect him to walk in maturity if you are unwilling to fully engage."
In that moment, I made my decision.
I wont hurt him. We've done way too much of that. We've been waay too careless with eachother - for whatever the reason. And what God is doing is much too precious to throw it away for something as foolish as an unanswered phone call.
Alright God. Your way. And Your way alone. Not a little bit of You and a lotta bit of me. No partial check-in. I'm here. Present and fully engaged. I'm sorry.
Oh boy. The irony of it all....