Monday, December 12, 2011

My Ten Things... Sporadic Though They Are

XBOX Wife Ten Things Tuesday

  1. My Dad
  2. That the Lord is Sovereign
  3. That His strength is made perfect in my weakness
  4. That His ways and thoughts are not only different that, but SUPERIOR TO mine. (This is a biggie right now, because if He left it to me, I'd do some serious harm to things.)
  5. The beautiful EIGHTY DEGREE WEATHER in the middle of August in my part of the world.
  6. Family as He sees it
  7. Anthony Evans' 'The Bridge' CD
  8. Medial player (so that I could copy my cd to the library, thus avoiding just flat wearing the thing out.) :0)
  9. Confidence
  10. That I get to know His secrets. I love being close to the Lord.

This might seem all pious. Trust me it's not. Right now I'm grateful because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt who is in control. He was. He is. And He is to come. And He's got my whole world in His hands.

Head over to Jill's spot and check out more of this greatness.


There is this wonderful freedom in the midst of the surrender God's asked of me in all this.

For the first time in a long we have an unfettered intimacy with eachother. Nothing is between us. No secrets. No tension. Nothing at all but the fact that, at the end of the day we have a home in eachother.

We have more road ahead but it's so nice to see God moving in this even now. I see the work He's doing in H. I know the work He's doing in me and there is a strength that I finally see that I haven't believed was there for a very long time.

God is amazing. Perfect in all His ways.

I've got some accepting to do and some forgiving yet to give, but at the end of the day I can finally see now that it will be worth it and that God will be faithful and just to keep His promises.

This is an opportunity to see God's exquisite love for us in all this.

Just truly amazing.

All my heart can sing today is: You're amazing God, You're amazing God. You have borne the weight of our heavy hearts. You have healed the pain. You have cleaned the stains. You have turned our tears into songs of praise. Cuz You're amazing God...

Maybe everyday wont be like today. But I'll take what today has to offer in this moment for what it is. And that's beautiful.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Because My God is Just 'What It Do'! HA!!!! (forgive this title, been around Clay a liiiiittle too long)

"You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!" ~ Psalm 30:11-12 (ESV)

Dear God,

Thank you that Your Word cannot return to You until it has accomplished that for which it was sent. Thank you that You have remebered Your word to Your servant and are daily proving my hope. Thank you Daddy that You are all that I need. I AM. My God who supplies my needs according to His riches in glory. Thank you that You use even the most ordinary people to accomplish extra-ordinary things. Thank you just for being who You are.

In Jesus' Name, AMEN.


Go see Iris! You know u wanna join in on all this goodness.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

A Double-Edged Sword

It seems that pursuing God is a very double-edged experience.

Hear me out. I know that there is the faction that would say that the pursuit of Christ is a noble endeavor and that we should be proud to suffer so for the sake of the cross.

And to that I say one of two things: they haven't really pursued Him or they are not at all honest about how tough a road that particular road is.

Don't get me wrong. Their words are true and the sentiment is very real for anyone who's really come to an understanding in their hearts for what this sort of undertaking really means.

But if you've really walked that walk, you would never respond to someone who is struggling on the road to intimacy in such a way. Because your heart & spirit understand. They have struggled the same way.

I think this would be called seasoning our words with grace.

For my part, I have been on both sides of ungracious speech and careless words and platitudes. I know how it feels to have them thrown at me with no consideration for the sheer tenacity that has held me on the path of the ancient ways. And (as much as I hate to admit it) I have spoken - far too often - without considering the hearer's pain and their needs in that moment.

But I digress.

It seems that the more I grow in Christ, the more He expects of me - the more He wants from me in the way of reverence.

And I have to admit that lately I have balked at that, because I have for so long been the black sheep. I am looked at so often by so many people as very one-dimensional. And it hurts. Especially when the people who see me that way are the ones I'd expect (and so completely WANT) to see me for ALL of me.

I want them to know that I am the same smart, charming, funny, loves to laugh person I was before I got serious about my Jesus. I want them to see Him as an enhancement to my lifestyle and my personality, not a wedge between us that makes communication so much more complicated than it was before.

My best friends, save one - my BFF, don't relate to me on any level other than spiritual. And maybe it's because my conversation is so colored with God and His ways and instructions. I can see how off-putting it would be. But that too, is part of my uniqueness. I have always been pretty much all or none. So following Christ with all of me should come as no shock or suprise to anyone who knows me. To say that I feel excluded from our circle in a lot of ways is no understatement - unless I am in the role of counselor/advisor. Which is isolating in and of itself, because my advice is usually very geared toward what I believe the Lord would say about a thing.

Not necessarily all bad. But honestly, pretty lonely.

My family. This blog really has said it all. We have had an invisible wedge between us since I started this journey, for various reasons - all of which are tied to this season of seeking and growing - and learning what obedience truly looks like

My man. He is absolutely precious. But he doesn't understand any of this. He believes in God. Knows Christ. Has accepted salvation and that's pretty much the extent for now. Loves me to the depths of his heart. But does NOT understand this part of my life. Doesn't see faith this way. And really, who can blame him? He believes in the value of prayer and the importance of a spiritual life, but he hasn't really experienced the life-changing transformation that ONLY comes from seeking God, on HIS OWN terms.


But not empty.

Because the flip side of it all is that pursuing Christ with my all IS truly THE most amazing experience I could ever have dreamed of. I DO count it all joy. It IS the most noble thing I've ever done. And the most worthwhile.

I worry that if I continue to pursue Christ as I have been, I'll lose the relationships that I do still have. Call it what you wanna. I'm honest. The ones I have are the ones I value. I've lost other ones and that hurt. But the fear of losing these is unnerving. Because these people are MY people. My circle. Losing them would leave me alone for real.

And even in the face of that fear and feeling, I cannot say that turning back is an option. I can't say that I'm willing to give up the sheer beauty of a love relationship with the Holy One to be able to hold on to my friendships - or even my family or my man.

With my heart, I can say that God is my life. Without Him, I cease to be. My identity is in Him. My very being. My breath. It's all Him.

Painful? Yes. Lonely? Yes. Isolating? Yes. Challenging? Yes.

But also beautiful. Sweet. Savory. Eye-opening. And breath-taking.

Double-edged, maybe.

Worth the losses? Absolutely.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Comfort Is Overrated

My favorite time of any day is when it's still quiet, just before the world wakes up. And if I dont have to venture out, it's the time inside when noone's awake but me and I can sit and think or read or pray or whatever it is I do.

This morning, I could probably still be sleep - and going back to sleep is not a thought that's too far - but... i dunno... i just want to savor the time with me and my thoughts...

Last week was full of so much and i almost dont know what to do with it all. I sense a shift in things, a change that's comin. And I dont really know what it means in a lot of ways... Typically that would unnerve me, but so far this time, not so much...

I always forget what a joy it is for me to teach. Because I learn so much in return.... I used to want to teach elementary school, but somehow I discovered before college that I didn't really want to do that, so i delved into other interests - psychology... but... then, I realized that I AM a teacher. Just not of children, per se. I love to teach other women. There's just something special about building such community with eachother and discovering God and life together....

That passion is one that God has cultivated and grown in the last few years and it seems that He uses it in the most challenging times.... Facilitating the Love Dare this time has been such a challenge, but ya'll it has been so special so far. Not because I see other women diggin' in and beginning to grow, but because this time I am at a place in my own life where I know what it is to love beyond failure and disappointment, and to be loved that same way in return. I'm gaining new insight into God's word and His heart for me - for all of us, really... but that He is so personal to me in such a fresh way, it just makes me really really happy inside. There is a restoration and a tranformation & renewal happening in my spirit and in my heart that I cherish. There is the spirit of change all around me and it's the most phenomenal thing I've felt in a while...

Taking this journey with other women, because it causes me to look beyond my own desires and such, has required me to be in God's presence afresh and to prayerfully consider what He really wants to reveal in and to us all. And as usual, it always comes back to relationship with Him. Which is also a personal passion for me. Such a huge component of obedience is the ability to communicate effectively with God and He has made me keenly aware of how so many of us just dont have that with Him - but how much He desires us to. So recently, as a new component for the Dares, the blog, and the group, we have begun a daily Question for God. Only on day 3 so far, but already, ladies are commenting and sharing what God is revealing to them... I love it...

And I love it personally because in the waiting to recieve the question, God is challenging me also to ASK and not take for granted that He and I have been there and done that. He's challenging me to go deeper with Him. And His answers are astounding to me...

Personally I am walking a path I never thought I'd walk, but that I'm discovering I'd never want to take back. Emotionally I am living an honesty I've never known and that often leaves me conflicted insde... But at this point, I'd not have it any other way - because the self-discovery and the growth that it requires is something I'm finding to be absolutely beautiful in my spirit and perspective. Financially, God is the most amazing provider. He has been so faithful. Beyond faithful. I haven't missed a beat. And if you know my situation, you know that's significant. Professionally... I dont know what comes next. But as I sat and talked with God the other day, He prompted me to revisit some things He had startd revealing to me a long while ago. And I'm discovering that whatever comes next is for some very specific reasons. What I thought I'd pursue is NOT what I will pursue. What comes naturally is what I wanted to do. But God is calling me to venture into what does not come naturally or easily - at least not on some levels.

All this leaves me not a little bit intimidated, but also very very intrigued. Not afraid that I can't or unsure that it's right. God's been giving me thoughts along the lines of what He's started revealing for a little while, so I'm not shocked at the changes... just left with a healthy dose of the fact that, like everything else, there will be grace in abundance to get me through it and to help me excel in it...

I dunno how all the pieces fit; have no idea how it all comes together to ultimately equip me/us for the work I know God has on reserve. But I do know that I choose God's way and His plan in my life. I dont want distractions. I don't want man's wisdom. I don't want the easy road so much anymore (at least not right now. Ha!). I have learned to value my alien status. I have learned to appreciate not looking to the right or to the left, but staying the course set before me. I've learned to accept that God is not always to be understood.  And I've learned that a comfortable life is overrated. 

My own humanity sometimes craves that which doesn't require hard work or sacrifice. But my spirit yearns to know God's power and manifest glory... and since that only comes by being willing to go the distance with Him, then it means that comfort and convenience are not part of the deal. And finally, I'm learning to be ok with that.

FINALLY I am accepting that life is full of things we cannot even begin to expect, control, or ignore. It's meant to be lived in a glorious way, as an all-encompassing collaborative act of worship.

And that's exactly what I want. For me and everybody connected to me. I want our lives to be one big act of worship.

The beauty IS in the journey. You CAN dance in the rain. And God DOES give beauty for ashes.

As much as I want the destination, as much as I want the sunshine, as much as I want everything to be pristine, I want more than anything to know that God is pleased in what my life and heart reflects. And I want to see in my Love the amazing brokenness that facilitates transformation... not only for him, but for us and our family. I want him to love the way life looks too.... I want all that's inside him to belong to God. I want him to have what I have with God. I want his life to just be a beautiful expression of Christ on every level and at every turn... That's my heart's desire for him and for the life we live together...

God has said to me 'count the cost' ... I have. I am. And finally, with convicition of spirit, I can say 'Lord, it's worth it. It's all worth it.' Every tear and every bit of brokenness. Having gone thru the fire and being able to see even just the beginnings of the breakthrough. Having been so broken and so fearful of my own heart, and seeing what God has done in me; knowing that my allegiance is to Him alone. Sure that I am a Christ Follower for the long haul and not just a saved woman speaking empty words and never ever experiencing the reality of sanctification. Positive that I've made the right choices. And able to live and die with total peace in who I am at this point in my life.

I'll take that. I'll take it every time and over everything else. I am who God says I am. I believe in who He's destined me to be. I know that I'm strong enough to live life in all it's unorthodox glory. And I'm sure that the sacrifice has been worth the blessing.

Change is on the horizon. I know that life as I have known it will never be the same again. And I'm gonna embrace it with everything I got.

Have a great Sunday ya'll.


Thursday, December 8, 2011

Just a Thought

If Christ came for us today, what would He say about our current lifestyles? Would he be pleased or disappointed? Would he say that, at this point in our lives, we are representing him well?

just wondering...

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Words Of My Life

'It is the hurt that breaks me. It is the pain that pulls me to my knees. And the tears they've changed me til what I couldn't see becomes so clear to me. This is the way You love me.

And this is the way....... the way that you love me.'

Truer words....


God is a restorer. He is a redeemer. And He has given us a great opportunity to see Hiim be Himself.

In everything give thanks.

Be anxious for nothing.

Cast your cares upon Him, for He cares for you.

God is great and greatly to be praised.

Life isn't ending. We aren't dead. We are just dead to our past.

H's word for the year: release.
Thank you God for keeping your word. You are not man that You should lie. Thank you for releasing my man from his past life. Thank you that You love H infinitely more than I ever could and that You have him in the palm of Your hand. Thank you Father that H's future doesn't depend on his own willingness, but on Your mercy to give him a heart that is willing. Your word says that it doesn't matter who wills or who runs, You will have mercy on whom You have mercy and compassion on whom You have compassion. Thank you that You are a just God. Thank you that even if I were to wonder if You will choose H to receive Your mercy, I can know that simply because of Your promises to me, there can be no other outcome in this. Because You have spoken plainly and what You utter cannot, NOT come to pass.

Our relationship. It has been washed in Your blood and covered by Your grace. Nothing is impossible for You. Nothing is so far gone that it cannot be redeemed. No one is so lost that they cannot be brought home. No situation is too big or too small or too much for you. Thank you for the outcome. Thank you because You have already told me the end result. Protect evey life that is a part of this. Protect every heart and every promise for every one of us. Give us all release from the old things and into Your best for us. Thank you for the new life that has been birthed in this. Thank you Lord God for Your amazingness. That You are our God and we are not left to our own devices. Thank you God even in the painful place, because this is where we all have a fresh opportunity to come face to face with You. Redeem my H. Restore him to right relationship. Give him favor God to choose You and grace to forgive himself. Give him courage to accept the grace and the forgiveness that You are giving me a heart to give to him. You are doing an eternal work in this situation, in our hearts, souls, lives, minds, spirits. Thank you for that. Remove every desire from my husband for any life that does not include the life You've reserved for us together. Remove every yearning for the past and allow him to look forward with hope and joy in this situation. Restore us God. Please. Help me to boldly approach Your throne. To come before You with confidence. Thank you God that You call me friend, that You are mindful of me and that You hear me when I cry out to You. Thank you for Your Love and Your gentle convictions today.

I am in awe of You and I rejoice in the victory that is already ours.
In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Reconciliation Song

All the sides of us
All the things between us
Water under the bridge
The bridge between our hearts

I am you and you are me
Perfectly Imperfect

My first concept of love so sweet
My first reality of pain that lingers long and deep

The vision of God
The heart of the King
The love you carry
The heart you hold
Safety Security Consistency
Perfectly Imperfect - as it was meant to be

Good, bad, indifferent
Right or wrong
We are who we are - just who He knew we would be

Time to welcome eternity
But beautiful

What we have is a complex, not-so-hard to get beautiful bond
Me and you - we're the same
And God does all things well

Beauty for Ashes

Sweet Rest

Joy Peace Hope for the days ahead

It has all worked for good
I am who I am because you are who you are

You will never be far from my heart

I am grateful and thankful and utterly speechless at the wonder God has given to me in you

Special and rare, this relationship of ours
I would never trade it

Some places rough
Some smooth
Some sweet
Some sour
I am who I am because you are who you are

No need for 'sorry'
No need for regret, shame, or sadness
It is finished

No condemnation
Only freedom
Eternal Joy

Love is enough

I look back
And I remember

And I thank God every time.

Lord thank you for peace. The alabaster box is our story. Not just mine. Not just his. But ours. It IS finished. And love IS enough. May it be as You have said. May we not resist You. May we not be in doubt. May it be as You have said. And may we look back and know just how beautiful perfectly imperfect really is.


1Cor 13:1-3 ... Let's Get It

The Excellence of Love

1If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.

2If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.

3And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.

The first thing that jumps out is that verses 1 and 2 are talking about spiritual gifts. Speaking in tongues, prophecying, knowledge, knowing hidden things... all those things are things given simply because God chooses to. There is no great work of character that happens to open the door to the gifts. They are given as the Holy Spirit chooses to give. Faith is even included in these verses, which perplexes me a bit because faith really only comes from experiencing God -and anytime you experience God in a way that causes you to be able to walk in mountain-moving faith, a deep work has to be done in your character....
I guess I'll go verse by verse.
But 'love' needs to be defined first... (noun, as defined by Webster) unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another
Further broken down:
unselfish: giving or sharing in abundance, without hesitation
loyal: firm in one's allegiance to someone or something
benevolent: having or marked by consideration or sympathy for others; having or showing concern for the welfare of others (also considered 'charitable' - which some texts use in the place of 'love'... charity)
concern: marked interest or regard, usually arising through a personal tie or relationship
good: for the best
And it all ends up looking something like this:
love: unrestircted loyalty and unwavering commitment to what best serves another.
Which is actually a long way of saying what Paul says in Phillippians: count others better than yourselves.
Verse One: If I can speak in tongues - both foreign and heavenly... if I am able to communicate with both man and angels but do not count them as better than myself,  if I do not offer unrestricted loyalty and unwavering commitment to what is in the best interests of those same people.... then all my words don't matter. It's just a bunch of noise. A lot of loud empty sounds.
Because I am not giving them anything of eternal value. Not at all.
And we all know how it feels to receive empty words from people. We know when it's not true, when it's not genuine or heartfelt. And it inspires no desire to embrace anything they have to say or to offer. It lends no creditibility to who they are or what they share.
So... If i'm able to communicate effectively across the board, but am not speaking with an unrestricted loaylty and unwavering commitment to what is in the best intersts of the people to whom  I am speaking, I'm just making a lot of noise. The words are going nowhere and are accomplishing nothhing...
Verse Two: If i have the gift of prophecy and know all mysteries and all knowledge... and of faith that can move mountains... but do not have love, I am nothing.
The gift of a prophet is special. It is an unique intimacy with God and a different insight than most will ever know. the gift of knowledge is the same.
So... If I am able to see beyond the natural, if I know things beyond what my eyes or ears can discern, if God allows me to walk in such an uncommon spiritual awareness and I do not use that knowledge for to enable me to act with an unrestricted loyalty and unwavering commitment to what is in the best interests of the people involved in situations where I've been given the privilege of such insight and wisdom, then I am worthless. I have no value if I choose not to use the gift to display a heart of concern and compassion for the people God places in my path.
If I have faith that believes that God can do the things that are humanly impossible, if I believe God is God of impossibility but I don't allow that faith to propel me to walk in an unrestricted loyalty and unwavering commitment to what is in the best interests of others - of all those involved in the faith-building circumstance - then I am worthless. Beause faith without works is dead. Faith is acting like a thing is so, in order that it might be so. As it relates to people, to have faith and not ACT in faith toward those for whom you are believing... well are you really acting in faith, or are you just in it for yourself?
And really. That's the culmination of the first two verses. If you are walking in all these wonderful gifts and all this intimacy with God, but you are not using that privilege to the benefit of those in your path, then really. What good are you?
And these words are very personal to me. God's given me spiritual gifts that I very rarely speak of to most people. He's allowed me an uncommon relationship with Him and insights that are a result of that. I know more than is visible; and that is a privilege. One that cant be taken for granted or taken lightly. And one that leads to pride and self-righteousness if it isn't kept in its proper perspective.
Verse Three: And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing
All I can think about when I read this verse is: what's the motivation? What's really in your heart? What's really driving you? Beause if you give all you have away, but you don't do it because it genuinely is a desire to meet the needs of others, then the only OTHER motivation possible is one that is self-serving. If you sacrifice your life,but it's only about you, about how people see you, about the kudos you get for such a great act of service... then dude. Who have you really served? What has it really benefitted you? And what do you have to show for it, besides destitution and disfigurement? And if those things are metaphors of what happens in our spirit when we make all these grand public acts but in our hearts we really only wanted to be seen as these great long-suffering people, that's a sad statement. Beccuase spiritual destitution and disfigurement is painful at best. And deadly to our inner man if left unchecked.
And all that leads me to this: to do anything other than look at this situation in full, based on the knowledge God has chosen to share with me and with faith in His ability to change this thing on a dime, is to walk in pride,ego, self-righteousness and sin. And it doesn't only led to death for them. It leads to death for me in the end. Death in my spirit.
To not offer the unrestricted loyalty and unwavering commitment to what is in their best interests in all this would mean a couple of things. First it would mean that I don't understand what God has given to me, through Christ. Because He has loved me this way. An unmerited grace, unmerited forgiveness and freedom in Him. He has given me a relationship with Him that reflects none of the betray He has experienced at my hand. He has loved me beyond my foolishness and my shameful past. Christ paid a physical price for me and He has not once looked at me and said  to God 'Pops. Really. You are taking this just a liiiittle bit too far. Asking just a liiiittle too much on this one. I'm not so sure about it all...' He has always put me first.... my life mattered more to him than his comfort or his reputation. Through this, He's giving me of an understanding than I've ever had of how much He's always loved me and how much He will love me until the end of time. Because no matter what I do, I can never ever deserve what He continuously gives to me...
And second it would mean that I'm ungrateful and unappreciative of what God has given to me. It would make me like that slave who's master gave him release from his debt in full, but who then turned around and went and demanded a fellow slave repay him in full for a much lesser debt. Taking that attitude landed that slave outside his master's good graces. It would make me like that peson who looks in the mirror and doesnt really see -who, as soon as they turn away from the mirror, they forget their own reflection. And I dont want to be either of those people. I dont want to find myself outside God's grace. And I don't want to look at myself and forget what I look like;I dont want to forget who I am or what that means. I dont want to ever lose sight of what God has done in me or given to me...
God's word says that it is for freedom that we have been set free. He didn't lose me from bondage, only to have me hold someone else captive of my own pride. Because that is what this all boils down to. Pride....
He set me free, so that I could find Him. And so that in finding Him, I could be used in HIS way to lead others to the same discovery. And there is privilege in that, even when it hurts. There is privilege in sharing in His sufferings. The beauty in this is far-reaching and its about more than just how I feel or what I want. I wasn't made free to live life on my terms. I was made free to live it on His terms. And that He has chosen to use me to give someone else that same freedom, well that's just something beyond words...
God has been saying to me all along, let it go. Give him a pass. Let him off the hook. And it's made me mad. Because this isn't something that IN MY MIND warrants only a 'i'm so mad at you right now! .... ok. i'm over it. let's go play.' That's how that request felt to me at the time.
But now I get it. I'm starting to get it. This is not about giving him a pass. This is about God working in him to do something beyond soothing my hurt feelings. And as to the other party, this applies even more so in that respect. Because that person needs this just as much as H does. We're connected to one another whether I like it or not and my obedience to forgive and count that person as better than myself matters for us both. It matters in eternity. Letting them off the hook means that God can do His thing. And even though I'm sure He can and will do it whether or not I obey, I'm also sure that I owe Him more loyalty than to think i'm too good to forgive ANY transgression toward me...
I can't ask Him to do for me what I won't do for someone else. Not at all.
Love is not something that you feel. It's not something that you do because it's easy. It's not just a description of an emotion. And it doesn't just apply to people that you like. Love is a choice you make to put other people ahead of your own comfort and well-being. It is a choice to ask God for what's good and right and best in their lives, NO MATTER THE COST TO YOU. Love is an absolute act of selflessness, that should be and can only truly be derived from God's love for us.
So. Love it is.
God, I clearly feel Your heavy hand of authority resting on me right now. Help me to love them. Loving H is easier than the other. But You aren't giving me the option to choose one or the other. The ease, comfort or consequence needs to not be part of the motivation of my heart to obey. I WANT to obey. Please remove the illegitimate feelings. Please remove the feelings in my heart that will breed pride and arrogance. God please replace pain with compassion and anger with grace. Give us all beauty for ashes. Let all of us look to the best interests of each other. Let all of us give our very bests in this. Let all of us see You work and move in this to bring about Your plan for each life. Give me the grace to forgive and them the grace to recieve. In the obedience to forgive, please also give me the release of acceptance. God I need You and I need this. Thank you for answering my prayers. Thank you for showing me Your heart and for allowing me to be part of the work You are doing in my family. Thank you that the landscape of our family is unique, beautiful, and profitable for the furtherance of Your Kindgom and Your agenda. God please help me to get there. Unlock the door in my heart that is bursting at the seams to allow light into this darkness. There is a tree in my spirit ready to blossom and sing.Spring is here, but with no light, there will be no life. Lord provide the light. Life over death God. Eternal over temporal. Freedom over rights.
I just need you to help me, Lord...
In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Giving It A Name

Over the last few weeks, I have come to realize that ownership of this is a large part of healing and recovering from it. I have been loathe to really give this thing a name. Because vocalizing it in it's starkest form makes the sting come sharp and hard.

But if we are going to really rebound and come out of this thing in tact and on top, then I cannot be afraid or ashamed to call a spade a spade.

It's name is infidelity. Its name is a child that is not my child.

It's name is something that can genuinely be found on television everyday. A bad Lifetime movie. The Maury Show. Jerry Springer.

It's a mess.

It's a shame.

And it's an opportunity to rise to the occasion and to prove to ourselves more than anything that we are strong enough to endure this place and come out on top.

In spite of all that's come with it and the heavy price of enduring and trying to rebuild, it's name is Love.

And of all the names it can be given, that one is the only one worth being dwelled on.

"Love believes all things, endures all things, trusts all things, hopes all things. Love fails not.'

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Vulnerable & Not Real Sure I'm Lovin' It

Not many people know this, but this business of letting people get close to me really unnerves me. Somethin' serious.

Needless to say, letting Clay get close is not (and has not been) an easy process. And lots of things that should have been addressed OH SO LONG AGO have gone unadressed. That it, until last night...

Ya see, me and Jesus have been having some real deep conversations lately and he's told me oh so clearly that I need to break that wall down and trust my dude completely. So last night, my mind was full of stuff and just rambling over some things. And then my mouth opened. We had a really long (and Im sure very beneficial) conversation. He saids some things. And then I said some things. And some of the truths we shared were hard. And some of the perceptions were pretty revealing. But inside me, I believe that we did our relationship a tremendous amount of good.

HOWEVER, I feel naked. Vulnerable in a way I've never been. Intimidated and a little uncertain. And pretty afraid. Because it means that I have to keep on trusting him this way. I opened a door that leaves plenty of room for me to be damaged. And I don't want that. I don't want to be anybody's casualty. Obviously, I don't believe he would harm me. 5 years later, I trust him not to hurt me. But still. My poor heart is just as bare and uncomfortable as it has ever been. Because I had to admit to a need of him. Now. I know all that is SUPPOSED to be that way. But um. That has never been MY way. I've always been pretty self-dependent. And family dependent. And they've depended on me. Clay came along and the whole game changed. And I resisted it. (Obviously, seein' as how it's oh, FIVE YEARS later and I'm just now figuring this out.)

But the real of it is this: that man makes me whole. I need him. And I just plain ole' WANT him. He's sunshine and light and all that makes life good. He can make me mad, he can make me cry, but I love him no matter the difficulties, and I'm not goin' anywhere until and unless the Lord says otherwise. (Obviously, all this stuff is second to the way the Lord completes me.)

A sista is just all messed up. Because this dude has invaded my space and taken ownership of my heart. Last night, I handed over that last key and I'm just not real sure what to do with that.

Guess this is what love is, huh? Taking the risk and making the investment. Trusting the Lord to make it work and knowing that He's got it even when you don't have a CLUE what's up.

Yep. That's the deal.

Just thought I'd share.


My Baby

Ok so I have had something workin in my heart for a minute now. I'm finally starting to get an idea how to get started.

Here's an idea. Check it out and leave me your thoughts, will ya?

Friday, December 2, 2011

Ten Things Tuesday

XBOX Wife Ten Things Tuesday

Time once again to post my ten things for this morning so far.

Here we go:

  • I am thankful for my mom. We have our moments. And we struggle sometimes, but she loves the Lord, she loves me, and she wants His best for us both. She's a friend and I count that as a privilege.
  • So. I sat outside and pitched a fit last night. Just me and the Lord. And He heard me and spoke to me. Didn't rebuke me. But allowed me to minister to two other people, and in so doing, spoke truth into my life. I was corrected and things came together inside me.
  • One of the most beautiful things about spring is seeing the colors. How they change. Soft and gentle to deeper and bright. To darker and bold. Vivid and full of life. It's a gift of heaven to a thirsty soul.
  • Water. I drink lots and lots of it. I heart water, as a matter of fact.
  • Understanding my person's language. If I didn't, I'd want to kill him. And even though I do, I still sometimes want to bless him *ahem*. But all in all, its fun. He's fun. And that we have 'our language' means that we're growing the right way.
  • Music. It is the way I communicate most effectively with the Lord.Whatever song He lays on my heart, for however long. We are connected in that moment in a way I never experience any other way.
  • Pets. They love you. And they don't care that you're in a bad mood. Or that you stink. Or that you're tired. Or that maybe you're not feeling all loveable. They love you so much they make you love them back.
  • Emoticons! Because they are cute and lots of fun to add to e-mails and stuff.
  • Bloggy Land. What's not to love?
  • Friends who pray. Because that means they love me for real.

Check out Jill's place. She's got lots of greatness over there. Pop in and take a peek. I promise you'll enjoy hangin' out at her house as much as I do.

God is My Reality, Not Just A Concept

'I know You're real.'

This is the only phrase in my mind right now. I woke up with this one line stuck in my spirit.

God is real. He is who He says He is. He is perfection and He loves me anyway.

I'm thankful.


My Ten Things

XBOX Wife Ten Things Tuesday

Ok. I haven't done this in several weeks and I miss it.

So I'm back to it. :-)

  1. I am SO glad that I am not in charge of my own life. Heaven knows the mess it would be. God is much better at this sort of thing.
  2. God is doing a new thing in my man's heart and it makes me love Him so much more.
  3. I have been asking to see some specific things in my man and they are all coming to the surface.
  4. A chance I wasn't sure I'd have for several more years at least, seems to be juuuust around the corner.
  5. I'm learning how to swim.
  6. It is an amazing 102 degrees today. Beautiful and sunny and just an absolute display of God's power.
  7. My beautiful little niece.
  8. My precious, precocious nephew.
  9. A family that sometimes drives me batty and sometimes makes me want to disown them, but that I love with my whole heart.
  10. A man that loves me in a way that leaves no doubt that he is my 'perfect for me' fella.

Go see my girl, people. Join in all the fun.

Meek & Quiet

Lately my thoughts go in all these crazy directions. I'm learning so much and so much seems to be coming slowly, but really quickly - as if that makes a lot of sense. Anyway. I'm having the hardest time processing it all. It seems that just as soon as I get past one thing, something else comes up.

And it seems to always be a lesson in there somewhere. Something to share or encourage or whatever. As I have recently started facilitating a study with a small group of which I am part, the Lord has been giving me object lessons. In the form of .... you gotta see this coming... my guy. (U know all this makes my head hurt, right?)

Couple this with the very specific ways I'm praying for him right now and you have a very a very... "challenged" me.

Last week was on the words we speak and the reasons why. And the verses were Ephesians 4:29 and Luke 6:45. Both of which convicted me like nobody's business.

And this week. This week the topic is humility. And I've already told ya'll how me and pride have been buds since I was a little thing. The passage is Philippians 2:3-8.

Oh boy. All this is so much more than a notion.

Every couple has those hot-button topics. We are no different. Aside from a couple of family issues, this is really the only area where we have a CONSTANT battle. And seriously, a sister is just a little worn out by it all. This is one of those 'honor him but obey God moments.' And the lesson for me is clearly in the ability to speak with wisdom and also in the ability to HUMBLY address my dude. Both these areas are enough to send me screaming for the hills. If you know me at all, you know that this is asking a whole lot of me right now.

One would think that eventually my sweet honey would recognize that pushing for it to be his way and to be different is not working. This is not a situation where either of us is in control, after all. I suppose I am, more than him, but I cannnot do what he's asking on this one - because the Lord has told me to do quite the opposite.

There has been not one conversation the last two weeks that does not center around this hot-spot. And it's bothersome. Really it is. He's frustrated with me, because everytime he tells me to address it, I say 'ok'. He feels patronized. But he's not being patronized. I AM addressing it. Me and Jesus talk about it pretty regularly. And that's gotta be enough for now because that's where He's told me to leave it. And Im frustrated with him because well. DUDE. FOR REAL. How much longer is this gonna be all you can think of? It always works out, after all.

Can I just get a brother to relax?

And call ya'll pray for a sister to have that gentle (meek), quiet spirit that Jesus talks so much about?


Mountain Climbing

So... exactly what does one do with this? What does one do when she all but feels the Lord step back, as if to say: 'This is all on you. You choose. I'll wait.'

And then He decides to speak.

"You walk in wisdom, not foolishness. You will be proved in full in the decision to remain."

And then this ... because I responded with... 'ok God' to that ^. (I refuse to reject His voice and what He speaks to me... But uh... I'm not a fan right now.)

"Even after all you've experienced of Me,do you doubt My power? Do you not believe that I am bigger than this circumstance? Would you tear down all that you've toiled to receive at the moment things being to fall into place? Do you not believe that I Am who I say I Am? Would you relinquish your life now, at the risk of spiritual death for yourself and your husband, as well as your children? There have been many times when you have needed to extend grace, and each time I have enabled you to do so. Each time, I have healed your hurt in the moment that you surrendered to My instruction. Do you not think I am capable of that now?  What makes this time any different than those? Your heart will be mended through H's love. He battles no more with his decision. It has already been made. But now you must choose. Will you let him love you? Your decision will affect the boldness of his spirit to walk in his decision. DO YOU NOT BELIEVE THAT I AM WHO I SAY I AM? Will you choose now not to honor Me? Even after all that has come before? Will you, in this moment, turn your back on Me? He has chosen; now you must choose. Choose wisely."

Really, God? REALLY?


Alright fine.

Choose wisely... Alright... wisely... ok... well... fine God....

Put him first... ok God... We've been here before... So ok God. I DO love You more... Ok God. I can't risk spiritual death for them or me. So... ok God. You really pushin' it on this one. Really stretching me. I'm not a fan Lord.... But ok. Ok. ... ok. ... Lord, he cant hurt me this way again. Not ever again. Seriously. For real. Not ever again... But... OK God. Ok...

Knowing that what He's waiting on is 'Yes Lord. I will obey.' and almost chokin' on the words. Much like I did with the words 'I forgive them Lord.' Very much like that moment... Almost identical in fact...

Feeling clearly that God was not gonna play with me on this one. That draggin my feet was gon' probably gain me a real firm correction...

So lest I find myself completely mad and with hurt feelings.... we ended up just where He wanted me. Which was: 'Yes Lord. I will obey. Yes. I will let H love me. Yes. I will allow him to make this right. Yes. I will not walk away. Yes God. ... Yes God ... Yes .... Yes ... Yes.... Yes, Lord. *sigh* Just YES.

Every yes has felt like a step UP this mountain. And no doubt, it's gonna feel like that until I'm fully beyond my dislike of this whole scene... But... Yes is yes is yes. And rather than risk God's firm hand for being hard-headed, hard-hearted, and just plain mean, I'll just go ahead and scale this mountain.

So. In all that. YES GOD. I'll do what You ask.

Stacy, is this what you meant?

OY VEY. Can't God just wave His big magic wand and make all this instantly better? Or um... would that be a misguided view of who God is and how He works?... Yeah? It would be? ... Thought it might.. but I just had to ask...  : D

Alright... mountain climbing it is... 

Yes. To all that You're asking. In all seriousness. Yes. I will be obedient. I'll let him off the hook. And I'll act like I know who You are.

In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Ties That Bind

I posted a long time ago about a friend from college.

When I ended that post, I prayed for him and asked that God's will would be done.

It took me some time, but I was able to push him to the edges of my consciousness.

And for a while it worked. Then his name began to creep up again. I've been seein' his face. And I googled him. Didn't find anything. Let it go.Moved on.

Here we are a couple months later and I figure, lemme just try one more time. I wanna know how he is. That he's ok. I dont want to call and risk hearing his voice because I know me, but I need to know that he's ok.

So I do. And I find out a little more information than I did the first time. And there is also some new information that wasn't there before.

And as I sit here and type, it makes sense to me now. One thing led to another and he found himself in a situation where he wasn't able to choose anymore. And based on the new information, he is most likely again drowning in the same bottomless pit.

So help me, I want to help him. I thought, let me just see if I can get in touch with his mom. Mother will tell me what's goin on. She will tell me what I can do, how I can help. I have her number now. And then I think maybe I shouldn't call. I'll just wirte a letter. Because I also have the address. I'll just drop a quick note and ask how things are and give her a way to reach me if she chooses. Leave it up to her. Yeah. That'll work. That's the answer.

The Holy Spirit stopped me right in the middle of that thought process. And the answer was not a 'no', but it was a 'count the cost'. Which in parent-speak means, I will leave this to you, but if you are wise you will reconsider this.

I have sat for the last twenty minutes talking this thing out with the Lord and the Lord gave me two things to make it clear to me:

* I don't stop loving. I never have. A relationship ending or a friendship being severed does not release me from the love that I carry. It never has. I do not let go. I forgive. I get over it. I move on. But I don't let go.

* We are connected spiritually. We always have been. And that bond is still there, allbeit not like it was.

These two things, more than anything else, are the two reasons I must not reach. Not yet. In the Father's words, I must not use that number until He says otherwise. IF he says otherwise. I need to remain in the shadows and simply intercede for my friend. Neither of us can afford for me to be naive or idealistic on this one. The ripple effect would be far too great in both our lives.

So I must not interfere...And I won't.

But my heart truly does hurt for him and his family. Who would think that eight years later, this is where we'd be? Our lives have taken such different paths. He's made his choices and I've made mine and the two no longer intersect.

I am truly even at a loss for words really; I want to make this make sense. I want to understand because I KNOW him and if I can put my finger on what happened I can help him fix it.

But really I don't. I don't know him anymore. Who he is now is not who I knew eight years ago. And I can't take the risk based on what I remember, or what it USED TO BE.

Dear Lord, this is HARD.

You know me. You know my heart. You know what I WANT to do, and what I probably WOULD do if things were just a little bit different. But the stakes are too high. Please draw him close to You. Please woo him back to You. Please flood his life with Your light. Remind him of the greatness You have placed in him. Open his heart; clear the cloud and the muddled mess in his mind and give him hope. Give it to his mom and his family. Give them hearts to continue to intercede. Give those who are not saved such a burden for his life that they come seeking help to know what to do - then be their help. Woo them to Your arms. Do not let this be in vain. Lord do not let his life be wasted. Do not let this price be all for nothing. He has lost YEARS Lord. His heart feels defeated, but He is a son of the Most High and defeat is not part of his heritage. Remind him of his truth. And allow him to reclaim that which was left behind. Remove his safety nets. Remove his cushions. Allow nothing that will keep him from confronting himself - and YOU- to buffer his fall. LET HIM FALL. WHATEVER IT TAKES OH LORD to bring him home. TRANSFORM HIM Father that he might know truly the life-changing power of his salvation. Sanctify him. Prove Satan a liar in his life. Make him right. Make him whole. Clean him up for Yourself. Remind him: there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus.

And KEEP ME AWAY FROM HIM. Continually prompt me to pray, but Father protect me. I know how deep my heart runs and I know all the reasons this man is special to me, but he is not mine to fix or to chane. He is not mine to save. You are God all alone and you do not need me to interfere in this. So that desire to call and check on his mom - which is really checking on him - remove it, in the name of Jesus.

I bind up every evil spirit and every agent of darkness in his life. I cast down every lofty ambition against him and I ask Oh God that you would take him back.

In Christ's precious and holy name, I pray. I thank you and I praise you.


Honest.... But Not Venomous...

You know... for the first time in my life, I'm learning to not intellectualize things. That seriously is probably one of my greatest strengths AND one of my greatest weaknesses. I say that because on the one hand, it allows me to be very cut and dry - and that is extremely useful when I need to accomplish the task at hand irrespective of how I FEEL about said task... BUT when I need to engage my heart to accomplish a task fully, then well... a sista can be pretty lost...

Again, this revelation came as I was preparing tomorrow's Love Dare post. One of my favorite ways to study scritpure is to define all the words in the verse. I like to break it down to it's most simple form; I want to be sure I get the FULL meaning. And w/the dares, I've done that for some posts - as a matter of fact, for all the posts containing instructions. But this post. I was SO gonna do that... but all I could think was, 'listen with your heart. share what God gives you.'  -- not that He doesnt give me the rest,but you know...

One thing He continues to admonish me about is engaging my heart, giving H full access, trusting him fully w/me again... And well... ummmm...

Yes Sir.

Because it wasn't a question or a request. It has been a continual instruction. For days now He has been saying to me 'Break old patterns with H'... I finally was still enough to hear the rest. What it comes down to is that I don't have to think so hard.  I can just relax and let it be what it is.


A curious thing has happened yet again in all this... I trust our friendship. And I'm learning to trust that God is doing the same thing with H right now that He's been doing with me. God's told me a lot of things privately that I wont give away; but suffice it to say... all that God has said to me has confirmed what I've known all along in my heart: this playing field needed to be leveled.

Relationships require balance.

And that only way that's gonna happen for us is if I break the habit of using my intellect and my ability to appear always in control and aloof as a way 1) to block what I feel and 2) to get to H. Because the one thing he hates the most in the world is to not be able to ruffle feathers. So. No matter how much I'm ruffled inside, I RARELY let him glimpse it outside. Me staying IN control is a sure way to rattle his cage. And blocking my feeelings... well... that's a lifelong coping mechanism.

Hmmm... so... I've been re-thinking our last conversation and wanting to feel like maybe I was tooooo raw. But seriously. I said what was on my mind and what was in my heart. And aint nothing wrong with that.

Don't get me wrong. Im pretty sure that I failed in there somewhere. But so be it. Because at this point, he needs truth and a good dose of the reality that is this situation he's created for us. And I need to know that I can give him ALL of me and he not punk out.

He has always had (taken) the liberty to speak his mind on most occasions. And I've held my tongue more often than not for the sake of doing the right thing. But... not so much anymore. I mean, that's not  to say that I'mma just talk to him crazy on a whim and for everything I can find to be irritated about. Not at all.

But it is to say that I'm giving myself some freedom here. I'm gonna honor the lines of respect. I'm gonna do my best to not cross the line. But I'm not gonna be so quick to shut my ownself down when there's something that's better honestly addressed, than fretted over and ultimately that gives me reason to distance myself. Because the fact is, speaking up means that the air is clear and nobody has to be on pins & needles - especially me.

and... honestly... it also takes away what HE feels to be his most effective weapon when we disagree: the threat of distance or silence. I mean because really. It is what it is. And you don't get to do the wrong thing and cause all sorts of other stuff and then play victim...

It felt absolutely amazing to speak up. Seriously it did. It felt WONDERFUL to call him on some things and WATCH his face register the shock that he wasn't able to turn the table or manipulate me into silence. Dont get me wrong. I do not relish his discomfort or his pain.

But I absolutely appreciate that there is some sort of awareness now that my heart is not to be toyed with.

What he does with that knowledge... well... it is what it is... but balance between us is more than valuable to me at this point.

And if it means that I'm less controlled emotionally, that I let my imperfection show more in our relationship, that I allow my internal 'messiness' (as in, not always put together, not always poised, and composed) to breathe a bit more freely - then so be it.  Because this old pattern needs to be broken.

He's not the only one who gets to demand that he be accepted for ALL of who he is. Fa real. The least he can do is return the favor and give me the same absolute love, commitment, and devotion, in spite of the things he might FEEL makes it difficult to be with me. Cuz really. I'm not that bad. Not at all.

I can expect some reciprocity. And I can expect the freedom to really be me.

And really, he needs to be ok with that..

So. Too raw or not. It doesn't matter. What matters to me right now at this moment in time is that he understands his choices: walk away in full, for real... or return and stay. in full and for real. But whichever he chooses, it needs to be done with the clear knowledge that I am who I am and I have no intention of hiding any parts of that any longer, just for the sake of his comfort or convenience.

Not even a little bit. Not anymore and not ever again.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

My Very Own Bloggy Birthday

Ok people!

I almost missed my own birthday!!!! I turned one year old on the 18th of this month!!! Wooo-Hoo!!!

I have so not kept with the original purpose of this blog - and I'm so glad I didn't.

This is a great spot, and a great source of encouragement, fun and just general whatever-I-want-it-to-be-ness.

Can't wait until I turn two. Maybe by then I'll really be fancy and I'll throw some sorta classy soiree or something?

Love ya'll.

Im Eating His Words Now

"This year is a year of relase for you both."

"I want to take you to new levels of trust in Me."

"You are an anomaly."

"The path you have taken for Me is unorthodox, but not un-wise."

"Trust Me."

"There is always purpose in pain."

"True obedience most always stretches your comfort and understanding."

"Sarah doubted the promise as well but Isaac was conceived just as the angel revealed."

I've been set-up.

God has been giving me this stuff over the last few weeks and I wondered what was up, but not until yesterday did I find out.

And yet He says 'Stay. Trust Me. Stay. This is a blessing in disguise.'

Then, THEN, He starts reminding me of prayers I've been praying for over a year due to a certain situation that has contributed to my current circumstance.

And all I can say is... ok God.

And all this because I spoke my mind. All this because I said what needed to be said. All this because I am determined to live a life that reflects the beauty of holiness.

Ecclesiastes 8, 9, & 10. Wisdom, joy, and God's sovereignty. All that.

I know that to most, this is incoherent rambling, but... to me it is a memory trail.

I am apparently God's yes-girl. And I guess that if i had to be anybody's yes-girl, I'm good with it being God.

I'm not gonna lie. I am walkin' this thing out. I said yes and I mean it. I'm going for complete obedience; I want my due season...

But I'm scared as hell that this is the worst decision of my life. On this one, there is no in-between. It is the best thing I could ever do. Or the worst mistake I could ever make.

And I'm trusting God that the former is the truth.

All this preparation. All this revelation. All this, my life is your's Lord. All this 'whatever it takes God.' ALL THIS.

I'm eating those words big time right now.

They were sweet on my tongue at the time, but they are bitter now.

Here's hoping that they produce ripe, plump, fragrant, sweet fruit. My life is riding on this...

I love you. And I'll be your yes-girl. Just please help me stay focused on you and to live in the freedom of wisdom and position. Help me NOT to make choices rooted in my pride or my pain. I have jokes and all, but Im hurting and I'm scared. HOWEVER, you are bigger than that. You asked for the promise. I'm handing it back. I've taken it to the mountain top and I've lain it on your alter. The knife is raised and I'll do what you say... but Lord. Please send me a ram in the bush. Please...

In Jesus' Name

I Feel Like An Experiment...

gone way wrong.

"God, why would You let this be like this, after all this?'

And while this question sounds redundant unless you have any idea what the 'all this' actually is, it is a real honest to goodness plea to help me understand. I want to see this God's way. And really. I'm workin on it.

Balloons 1-3... I'm workin on it.

I really am letting go... but somebody told me that I'd go thru this thing where I'd go back to God over and over, and apparently that has begun. The more I try to let go, the more the reality of what's inside is showing itself. And I supposed that on some level, that's healthy... But it's really gettin' on my nerves.

So. My question today was 'God why would You do this? You say I need this... Why exactly do I need this - on top of ALL the rest of it?! Why do I need this?'

"You need this for your ministry. You need to know what women in your same position feel. You need to understand the pain they feel - and you need to understand it from the perspective of such a deep hurt that all they can see, all they can hear is what's driven by their brokenness inside."

I mean... Really?!

An experiment gone bad.

Since when did I become poster child for something from nothing?!


I mean. I'm not a fan. Not at all. I know He's God. And I appreciate His sovereignty and His all-knowingness and things... But for real... All this so I can undastand somebody else's situation?!

THIS is a pain in the butt.

A serious pain in the butt.

And then I had the nerve to keep talking... 'God, why is this hostility surfacing again? I dont like the way it feels. I really don't know what to do with it anymore. Why wont it go away?'


"You need to understand. What you feel is beyond anger, but it is still far less intense that what you felt intially. You need to deal with it now so that it's easier as I restore you... Imagine what this is like for those who don't know Me, who don't hear My voice, who don't have Me as their guide. You need to understand."

I mean. Again. For real?!

As intensely as I feel most things, even though on the surface it looks like i just dont care, this is not a good look.  Because I felt violent earlier. And perilously close to crossing the line into flat out sheer rage... But then the hostility subsided and turned into just a persisent sadness and a knot in my throat... Then God tells me that I'm really disappointed in him, not so much angry at him.

Well. THAT makes this all better.

And forgive me, but uh. I am so not appreciative of my life being flipped inside out for some nameles faceless people that I have never even imagined as of this present moment in time and history. Nope. Not even a little bit.

But not for the reasons you think.

I don't ever want to look another woman in the face and see all the emotions play across her face that I feel inside right now. I don't ever want to witness that pain and then be compelled to tell a sister that she's called to STAY in a situation that hurts so deeply and that takes so much to recover from. Cuz really, other side being better notwithstanding, this is patently unfair. And freaking unreasonable. Bordering on ridiculous. I just dont want another woman to feel this way, not at the hands of a man she loves. Not at all.

And more than those namelss faceless people, I cant help but think of my own daughters. I dont want them to follow my footsteps. I DO NOT want them to hurt this way. I DO NOT want them to travel my road. And if my fam is any indication, it's not lookin good for the home team...


"You were raised to stay. Raised to stand. It's never too much or enough. You're strong enough. You can do this. He loves you.... he loves you... He's a good man... Baby that man loves you. And you love him. That's all you need. That's what'll get you through them times when you dont know how you gon' make it. Don't you think I been there? I decided early on that wasn't NOTHIN' would make me leave. Nothin'. So many things happened between us, some don't nobody know about but me and him and some EVERYBODY know about. But we stayed together. Neither of us was perfect. But we loved each other. When we didnt have nothing else, we had that. And you have that. That's all you need. That man is a good man. He loves you. This won't last always. You won't always feel like you feel right now. It'll stop hurting. Just keep goin'. Trust the Lord. You know the Lord. Trust Him... Baby love wan't never meant to be easy. But it was meant to last. HE LOVES YOU. He is a GOOD MAN and he loves you."

'Yes mam. I miss you. I need you to be here with me. I need you to walk me thru this. I miss you. How am I supposed to do this? How do I get past it? How's it gonna be ok?'

"You don't need me. You used to, but you dont now. You know the Lord. Better than you even realize. That's what'll get you through this. That's what will make it ok. Don't worry about your daddy. The Lord'll handle that. Your mama either. You just do what God is tellin' you. You're ready. You don't need me anymore. I knew long ago that you would be fine. I knew you would get to this place in your life. I prayed many years for your life and your husband. You can do this. You'll be fine. Ya'll will be fine. I love  you."

'Yes mam. I love you too. Yes mam.... ok... yes mam.'

The voice I needed. She squelched the hostility. She calmed my spirit when nothing else would.


"I know you're tired and I know you're weary. But don't give up. Trust Me. You need this. You cannot understand exquisite love unless you understand exquisite pain. H will be a better man. He is My best for you. Trust Me. Don't give up. Don't quit. It's almost over."

I'm really hoping the point is proven soon. Because... well.. yeah...

I'm sure there is a balloon #4 being revealed somewhere in all this processing... I'm positive of it.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

He Is Risen

It's Resurrection time, Ya'll.

The start of a new season. Spring and all the beauty that comes with it. Everything wakes up. It all comes to life. Grass turns green. Flowers start to bloom. Everything is rich and lush, and sweet smelling. And GORGEOUS to look at. It's beautiful. Breathtaking, even.

Everything comes to life. Darkness, cold, barrenness is all over. Life replaces desolation and emptiness. Fresh vibrant, rich colors replace the dreariness of trees w/no leaves. Branches that have born no fruit now begin to sprout and flower and to bear much fruit.

This season is about new life and a clean slate. A fresh start.

I'm simply overwhelmed at that. Simply overwhelmed.

This is the week of the Ressurection. The hardest days in history for Christ, and the most GLORIOUS days for Him, as well. And for us.

He paid for us, and now we can enjoy fresh life.


Just, WOW!!!

I love you guys and I really pray that you would take in all that this week means to us, as His People. And more than that, His Children. Enjoy the beauty of this time. Reflect on the sacrifices that were made for us, and then REJOICE in the hope that was given to us the moment the Messiah took his last breath.

And then, when you remember the instant that the stone was rolled away and it was discovered that He was not in that tomb, give thanks. And once you recall how He returned and walked among His people, went to His disciples. Then, THEN you should WORSHIP HIM like you never have before. Because when He returned, He proved the scriptures true. He made salvation and eternal life a tangible reality for us.

WORSHIP Him with a grateful heart and a hopeful spirit.

Easter isn't chocolate bunnies, baskets, or jellybeans. And it's not about new dresses in pretty colors, and snazzy suits that make you look twice. It is about the fact that our Savior is risen. And he lives. Really and truly. He lives.

Have a great Easter weekend, and honor Christ's sacrifice with your all.


Prayer for Clay... Pray With Me Today

*** UPDATED TO ADD: Even if this is days later, weeks later, whatever later - if you feel led to pray, then please feel free. This is to be a constant prayer for him until the Lord says otherwise. So, even if it is midnight 3 weeks later, please pray. Thanks, all you sweet people!***
Hey People.

I don't do this often, but I really need some prayer support today. I am praying specifically this prayer today for Clay. And from 12-1, central time I will be praying specifically for him. Just him.Only him. Because he is special that way. *giggles*

In all seriousness, if you feel led, please pray the below prayer with me. And direct as many people here as you care to, to join in (and leave me a comment so that I know, and can thank each of you).

I realize that this is pretty personal, but the Lord is leading me clearly to share this prayer and request w/as many people as are willing to join me today. So, that being said, thanks for your support. (The prayer is adapted directly from Scripture. Psalms 34, Romans 12:2, Ezekiel 21:5, Malachi 3:1-4, Habakukk 1:5, and Jeremiah 29:11-13)


Ipray that Clay will extol the LORD at all times; that his praise will always be on his lips.
I pray that Clay's soul will boast in the LORD; and that the afflicted hear and rejoice.
I pray that Clay would glorify the LORD with me; that we would exalt his name together.
I pray that Clay would seek the LORD, and that He would answer; that he would deliver Clay from all his fears.
That Clay would look to you and be made radiant; that his face is never covered with shame.
I pray that this poor man would call, and the LORD heard him;that he save Clay out of all his troubles.
I pray that the angel of the LORD encamps around Clay as he learns to fear him, and that he delivers Clay.
I pray that Clay would taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is Clay because he takes refuge in him.
I pray that Clay would fear the LORD - for those who fear him lack nothing.
I pray that Clay know that the lions may grow weak and hungry, but if he seeks the LORD he will lack no good thing.
I pray that Clay would listen; that he would be taught the fear of the LORD.
I pray that Clay would love life and desire to see many good days, that he would keep Clay's tongue from evil and his lips from speaking lies.
I pray that Clay would turn from evil and do good; that he would seek peace and pursue it.
LORD your eyes are on the righteous and your ears are attentive to their cry; I pray Clay be made righteous.
LORD your face is against those who do evil, to cut off the memory of them from the earth. I pray that you would not turn your face from Clay.
I pray that Clay would cry out, and that you LORD would hear him; I pray that you would deliver Clay from all his troubles.
LORD you are close to the brokenhearted and you save those who are crushed in spirit. Be close to Clay. Save Clay.
A righteous man may have many troubles, but LORD you deliver him from them all; Father, deliver Clay.
You protect all his bones, not one of them will be broken.
Evil will slay the wicked; the foes of the righteous will be condemned. Condemn his foes, Oh God. LORD you redeem your servants; no one will be condemned who takes refuge in You. Let Clay serve you. Be his refuge.
I pray that Clay not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but that he be transformed by the renewing of his mind. Then he will be able to test and approve what Your will is— your good, pleasing and perfect will.
Then all people will know that You the LORD have drawn your sword from its scabbard; it will not return again.
I pray that you will send your messenger, who will prepare the way before you. Then suddenly the Lord Clay is seeking will come to his temple; that the messenger of the covenant, whom Clay desires, will come.
But who can endure the day of your coming? Who can stand when you appear? For you are like a refiner's fire or a launderer's soap. You sit as a refiner and purifier of silver; purify Clay and refine him like gold and silver.
Then LORD, you will have a man who will bring offerings in righteousness, and the offerings of Clay and I together will be acceptable to you LORD, in days to come, in latter years.
Then we will look at the nations and watch— and be utterly amazed. For you are doing something in our days that we would not believe, even if we were told.
For you know the plans you have for Clay. You have declared it,LORD. Plans to prosper him and not to harm him, plans to give him hope and a future.
I pray that Clay will call upon you and come and pray to you, and that you will listen to him.
I pray Clay will seek you and find you when he seeks you with all his heart.
In Jesus' Name.Amen.



This word has been coming to mind for the last few minutes or so. I had to it up. And basically it means to purge or purify...

It wold seem that allowing the realities that this situation brings to bear to actually surface is forcing me to face two things that i typically supress: anger and pain.

And I'm discovering that facing them means allowing them to breathe. Not to fester and not to linger unnecessarily. But to allow them expression when they surface.

That's a pretty novel approach.

Obviously, my last post has to tell you that anger showed up big and mighty this weekend. And pain on it's heels. And I found that besides being sick of them, there was nothing I could do with them but well... feel it.

But there's some good news in this!

Apparently feeling it and giving it voice is all part of releasing it. And somehow it would seem that it's building my faith.

Shocked me too.

It dawned on me this evening as I was singing a song that I only sing when in my spirit I sense God bringing about some sort of breakthrough. I was singing and hadn't even realized it. And the most beautiful part of the singing is that it was genuine. From my heart. And rich. The words were coming up on their own and then other words were flowing right along w/them. My voice got to stretch tonight. And that hasn't happened in a genuine, spirit-deep way in a while. There was passion behind the words. There was something beyond just it sounding nice...

Somehow, this weekend has been cathartic.

Somehow my heart is opening back up.

This is the wierdest place. This crazy synchronicity of such conflicting emotions.

But the one that's really wining is love.

I mean... at the core of it all, at the end of this road... love is alive and well. And friendship. And honesty.

It would seem that H is growing in those things too. His usual m.o. is to run from my pain. I can give him credit and say that today he didn't break my heart again. He got a lot of my pain Friday night. Pain he didn't think I'd give and pain I was hoping I was past feeling.... It hurt him. And he doesn't know how to face it. It convicted him and it left him unsure what to do or say. But he didn't run from it. He didn't try to mitigate it or brush it away. He faced it. For the first time ever. He faced the fact that my hurt runs deep and that just maybe i'm outta strength and grace. And he took the risk of staying connected instead of backing away or walking away.

Even though i could popped him in his face Friday, I appreciate this. Tremendously.

I realized as I was layin there reading and singing, that something's changing inside me.

I cant explain it or describe it. I just know it's different. Better.

Does nothing for the fact that inside there's still a serious prick in my spirit when a thought is dropped or an image is given that reminds me how real all this is. But that I can take that thought and say,God this hurts.. And then move on to whatever really needs to take up my mental space... I'll take that over the rage that wants so badly to destroy me emotionally in all this.

He's a good man who's made some not-so-good choices. When we dont have anything else, we do have the love that God established in us from the start... Maybe that really will be enough to get us thru this... If he's brave enough to face my pain and his failure, then maybe I am too...

The voice I needed was right. Very right. In the light of day and under the canopy of God's grace & strength, I know she was right. This wont last always. We wont always succeed. And we wont always fail. But we can decide upfront and no matter what to stand...

So... I'm guessing Balloon #4 is gonna be fear of failure...

But this is long and i'm tired of typing and thinking. So i'll work that out tomorrow or something...

I think maybe this is the start of healing.

yay for that!