It seems that pursuing God is a very double-edged experience.
Hear me out. I know that there is the faction that would say that the pursuit of Christ is a noble endeavor and that we should be proud to suffer so for the sake of the cross.
And to that I say one of two things: they haven't really pursued Him or they are not at all honest about how tough a road that particular road is.
Don't get me wrong. Their words are true and the sentiment is very real for anyone who's really come to an understanding in their hearts for what this sort of undertaking really means.
But if you've really walked that walk, you would never respond to someone who is struggling on the road to intimacy in such a way. Because your heart & spirit understand. They have struggled the same way.
I think this would be called seasoning our words with grace.
For my part, I have been on both sides of ungracious speech and careless words and platitudes. I know how it feels to have them thrown at me with no consideration for the sheer tenacity that has held me on the path of the ancient ways. And (as much as I hate to admit it) I have spoken - far too often - without considering the hearer's pain and their needs in that moment.
But I digress.
It seems that the more I grow in Christ, the more He expects of me - the more He wants from me in the way of reverence.
And I have to admit that lately I have balked at that, because I have for so long been the black sheep. I am looked at so often by so many people as very one-dimensional. And it hurts. Especially when the people who see me that way are the ones I'd expect (and so completely WANT) to see me for ALL of me.
I want them to know that I am the same smart, charming, funny, loves to laugh person I was before I got serious about my Jesus. I want them to see Him as an enhancement to my lifestyle and my personality, not a wedge between us that makes communication so much more complicated than it was before.
My best friends, save one - my BFF, don't relate to me on any level other than spiritual. And maybe it's because my conversation is so colored with God and His ways and instructions. I can see how off-putting it would be. But that too, is part of my uniqueness. I have always been pretty much all or none. So following Christ with all of me should come as no shock or suprise to anyone who knows me. To say that I feel excluded from our circle in a lot of ways is no understatement - unless I am in the role of counselor/advisor. Which is isolating in and of itself, because my advice is usually very geared toward what I believe the Lord would say about a thing.
Not necessarily all bad. But honestly, pretty lonely.
My family. This blog really has said it all. We have had an invisible wedge between us since I started this journey, for various reasons - all of which are tied to this season of seeking and growing - and learning what obedience truly looks like
My man. He is absolutely precious. But he doesn't understand any of this. He believes in God. Knows Christ. Has accepted salvation and that's pretty much the extent for now. Loves me to the depths of his heart. But does NOT understand this part of my life. Doesn't see faith this way. And really, who can blame him? He believes in the value of prayer and the importance of a spiritual life, but he hasn't really experienced the life-changing transformation that ONLY comes from seeking God, on HIS OWN terms.
Lonely.
But not empty.
Because the flip side of it all is that pursuing Christ with my all IS truly THE most amazing experience I could ever have dreamed of. I DO count it all joy. It IS the most noble thing I've ever done. And the most worthwhile.
I worry that if I continue to pursue Christ as I have been, I'll lose the relationships that I do still have. Call it what you wanna. I'm honest. The ones I have are the ones I value. I've lost other ones and that hurt. But the fear of losing these is unnerving. Because these people are MY people. My circle. Losing them would leave me alone for real.
And even in the face of that fear and feeling, I cannot say that turning back is an option. I can't say that I'm willing to give up the sheer beauty of a love relationship with the Holy One to be able to hold on to my friendships - or even my family or my man.
With my heart, I can say that God is my life. Without Him, I cease to be. My identity is in Him. My very being. My breath. It's all Him.
Painful? Yes. Lonely? Yes. Isolating? Yes. Challenging? Yes.
But also beautiful. Sweet. Savory. Eye-opening. And breath-taking.
Double-edged, maybe.
Worth the losses? Absolutely.
Hear me out. I know that there is the faction that would say that the pursuit of Christ is a noble endeavor and that we should be proud to suffer so for the sake of the cross.
And to that I say one of two things: they haven't really pursued Him or they are not at all honest about how tough a road that particular road is.
Don't get me wrong. Their words are true and the sentiment is very real for anyone who's really come to an understanding in their hearts for what this sort of undertaking really means.
But if you've really walked that walk, you would never respond to someone who is struggling on the road to intimacy in such a way. Because your heart & spirit understand. They have struggled the same way.
I think this would be called seasoning our words with grace.
For my part, I have been on both sides of ungracious speech and careless words and platitudes. I know how it feels to have them thrown at me with no consideration for the sheer tenacity that has held me on the path of the ancient ways. And (as much as I hate to admit it) I have spoken - far too often - without considering the hearer's pain and their needs in that moment.
But I digress.
It seems that the more I grow in Christ, the more He expects of me - the more He wants from me in the way of reverence.
And I have to admit that lately I have balked at that, because I have for so long been the black sheep. I am looked at so often by so many people as very one-dimensional. And it hurts. Especially when the people who see me that way are the ones I'd expect (and so completely WANT) to see me for ALL of me.
I want them to know that I am the same smart, charming, funny, loves to laugh person I was before I got serious about my Jesus. I want them to see Him as an enhancement to my lifestyle and my personality, not a wedge between us that makes communication so much more complicated than it was before.
My best friends, save one - my BFF, don't relate to me on any level other than spiritual. And maybe it's because my conversation is so colored with God and His ways and instructions. I can see how off-putting it would be. But that too, is part of my uniqueness. I have always been pretty much all or none. So following Christ with all of me should come as no shock or suprise to anyone who knows me. To say that I feel excluded from our circle in a lot of ways is no understatement - unless I am in the role of counselor/advisor. Which is isolating in and of itself, because my advice is usually very geared toward what I believe the Lord would say about a thing.
Not necessarily all bad. But honestly, pretty lonely.
My family. This blog really has said it all. We have had an invisible wedge between us since I started this journey, for various reasons - all of which are tied to this season of seeking and growing - and learning what obedience truly looks like
My man. He is absolutely precious. But he doesn't understand any of this. He believes in God. Knows Christ. Has accepted salvation and that's pretty much the extent for now. Loves me to the depths of his heart. But does NOT understand this part of my life. Doesn't see faith this way. And really, who can blame him? He believes in the value of prayer and the importance of a spiritual life, but he hasn't really experienced the life-changing transformation that ONLY comes from seeking God, on HIS OWN terms.
Lonely.
But not empty.
Because the flip side of it all is that pursuing Christ with my all IS truly THE most amazing experience I could ever have dreamed of. I DO count it all joy. It IS the most noble thing I've ever done. And the most worthwhile.
I worry that if I continue to pursue Christ as I have been, I'll lose the relationships that I do still have. Call it what you wanna. I'm honest. The ones I have are the ones I value. I've lost other ones and that hurt. But the fear of losing these is unnerving. Because these people are MY people. My circle. Losing them would leave me alone for real.
And even in the face of that fear and feeling, I cannot say that turning back is an option. I can't say that I'm willing to give up the sheer beauty of a love relationship with the Holy One to be able to hold on to my friendships - or even my family or my man.
With my heart, I can say that God is my life. Without Him, I cease to be. My identity is in Him. My very being. My breath. It's all Him.
Painful? Yes. Lonely? Yes. Isolating? Yes. Challenging? Yes.
But also beautiful. Sweet. Savory. Eye-opening. And breath-taking.
Double-edged, maybe.
Worth the losses? Absolutely.
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