Not many people know this, but this business of letting people get close to me really unnerves me. Somethin' serious.
Needless to say, letting Clay get close is not (and has not been) an easy process. And lots of things that should have been addressed OH SO LONG AGO have gone unadressed. That it, until last night...
Ya see, me and Jesus have been having some real deep conversations lately and he's told me oh so clearly that I need to break that wall down and trust my dude completely. So last night, my mind was full of stuff and just rambling over some things. And then my mouth opened. We had a really long (and Im sure very beneficial) conversation. He saids some things. And then I said some things. And some of the truths we shared were hard. And some of the perceptions were pretty revealing. But inside me, I believe that we did our relationship a tremendous amount of good.
HOWEVER, I feel naked. Vulnerable in a way I've never been. Intimidated and a little uncertain. And pretty afraid. Because it means that I have to keep on trusting him this way. I opened a door that leaves plenty of room for me to be damaged. And I don't want that. I don't want to be anybody's casualty. Obviously, I don't believe he would harm me. 5 years later, I trust him not to hurt me. But still. My poor heart is just as bare and uncomfortable as it has ever been. Because I had to admit to a need of him. Now. I know all that is SUPPOSED to be that way. But um. That has never been MY way. I've always been pretty self-dependent. And family dependent. And they've depended on me. Clay came along and the whole game changed. And I resisted it. (Obviously, seein' as how it's oh, FIVE YEARS later and I'm just now figuring this out.)
But the real of it is this: that man makes me whole. I need him. And I just plain ole' WANT him. He's sunshine and light and all that makes life good. He can make me mad, he can make me cry, but I love him no matter the difficulties, and I'm not goin' anywhere until and unless the Lord says otherwise. (Obviously, all this stuff is second to the way the Lord completes me.)
A sista is just all messed up. Because this dude has invaded my space and taken ownership of my heart. Last night, I handed over that last key and I'm just not real sure what to do with that.
Guess this is what love is, huh? Taking the risk and making the investment. Trusting the Lord to make it work and knowing that He's got it even when you don't have a CLUE what's up.
Yep. That's the deal.
Just thought I'd share.
Blessings.
Ro
Needless to say, letting Clay get close is not (and has not been) an easy process. And lots of things that should have been addressed OH SO LONG AGO have gone unadressed. That it, until last night...
Ya see, me and Jesus have been having some real deep conversations lately and he's told me oh so clearly that I need to break that wall down and trust my dude completely. So last night, my mind was full of stuff and just rambling over some things. And then my mouth opened. We had a really long (and Im sure very beneficial) conversation. He saids some things. And then I said some things. And some of the truths we shared were hard. And some of the perceptions were pretty revealing. But inside me, I believe that we did our relationship a tremendous amount of good.
HOWEVER, I feel naked. Vulnerable in a way I've never been. Intimidated and a little uncertain. And pretty afraid. Because it means that I have to keep on trusting him this way. I opened a door that leaves plenty of room for me to be damaged. And I don't want that. I don't want to be anybody's casualty. Obviously, I don't believe he would harm me. 5 years later, I trust him not to hurt me. But still. My poor heart is just as bare and uncomfortable as it has ever been. Because I had to admit to a need of him. Now. I know all that is SUPPOSED to be that way. But um. That has never been MY way. I've always been pretty self-dependent. And family dependent. And they've depended on me. Clay came along and the whole game changed. And I resisted it. (Obviously, seein' as how it's oh, FIVE YEARS later and I'm just now figuring this out.)
But the real of it is this: that man makes me whole. I need him. And I just plain ole' WANT him. He's sunshine and light and all that makes life good. He can make me mad, he can make me cry, but I love him no matter the difficulties, and I'm not goin' anywhere until and unless the Lord says otherwise. (Obviously, all this stuff is second to the way the Lord completes me.)
A sista is just all messed up. Because this dude has invaded my space and taken ownership of my heart. Last night, I handed over that last key and I'm just not real sure what to do with that.
Guess this is what love is, huh? Taking the risk and making the investment. Trusting the Lord to make it work and knowing that He's got it even when you don't have a CLUE what's up.
Yep. That's the deal.
Just thought I'd share.
Blessings.
Ro
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