Sunday, September 11, 2011

Balloon No. Three

Last night's post brings us to Balloon #3! (Can I just say, I am SO excited about this process right now. There is such a joy in my spirit and such a freedom. I am SOOOO excited!)


God does complete work. And He does eternal work. There is no need to be ashamed of the things that bring us to know Jesus. And there is no need to hide behind ... anything... because God chose a way you would not have preferred, to get His due.

God's word says lots of things, two of which keep coming to mind here: All things work together for good to those that love the Lord. ... and ... There is now no condemnation in Christ Jesus.

What satan has meant for evil, God is using for good.

We owe no apology for the work God is doing in our lives or relationship. I owe no explanation for choosing God over me and everyone else around me. I owe no apology for allowing myself to love and to experience the richness of succeeding and failing and getting back up again, together.

There is no reason to be ashamed of the choice to forgive him or accept the new things that this means for our lives and relationship. There is no reason to be ashamed of the fact that I need his love and support. There is no reason to be ashamed that we dont fit the box - that we are not perfect.

This doesn't make me silly simple or foolish. Nor does it make me weak - not in the way that most of us consider weakness. It makes me human and it reminds me that he's human too.

God has forgiven me much and there's not a thing silly about doing the same for my Love.

The world's view cannot be my view. I dont look at H and see all his trash. I look at him and I see the beautiful heart that God has put there. And I know that it's good and right and pleasing to my Lord that I would love the man He picked for me, without reservation or feelings of humiliation.

It might not feel natural, but it surely does feel RIGHT... and there's no shame in goin' with that.

So, God. I'm done with this one. I'm done with worrying about people's opinions and rejections and thoughts and all that. I can't change them. And I don't need to try. That's not even my job. I can love them. And I can respect their deep deep love for me. I can allow them to be human and to be flawed. I am choosing to recognize that most often our harsh judgement of others is, more than anything, a reflection of ourselves - not the person we're judging.... knowing how true those things are in our situation, I'm giving this fear up. Please take it and destroy it. Please remove it as far from my heart as east is from the west. It has no place and it serves no purpose. No more of this ridiculous fear God. No more. The people who leave, they will leave because it's time. And that is something I can accept. All things work together for my good becuase I love you and I have been called according to YOUR purpose. There is no condemnation in You and it is not up to me to decide how life should look - not for myself or anyone else. It is for freedom that I have been set free and I am choosign right now today, in this moment to walk in that knowledge.  I'm asking that You touch their hearts and that they would accept the beauty of us. But I'm releasing the fear that has kept me from fully loving H in the way You have instructed and that I have so longed to give.


You don't live here anymore.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Let's Have Some Randomness, Shall We?

Ok. So I'm not really sure what's even the point, but I want you to know that right now, in this moment, sitting in my chair, at my desk on a Thursday afternoon at 3:02pm - right now - I have this overwhelming sense of giddiness and excitement. And it makes me just wanna dance.

I am not a really exciteable person, so when I get excited, it's usually pretty low-key (unless you are Jenn, in which case, I am probably squealing and goofy and what-not). Right now, there is something lik a well of joy bubbling up from deep down somewhere - this light, free, airy kinda feeling - and I just wanna be someplace where I'm free to release all this 'happy'.

HOW FUN!!!!!!!

I love moments like this where life's joy just overtakes me and all I can do is stop to acknowledge how great it is. Because all things considered, it could be OH so much worse.

Take hold of the small moments and savor just how sweet they are. Feast at the Lord's table, because it is a blessing truly to be able to rejoice in life, with all it's unexpected's and unknowns. The greatest (and most important) 'known' we have, is God's consistency and His Character. That, if nothing else, is cause to FIND some joy somewhere and give to the Lord the worship of simply savoring the moment He gives you where all you feel is amazing freedom in the life He's called you to live.

Have a great Thursday and find something about which to be joyful today.


Authenticity... Trying to Grasp It All...

Off and on all weekend long I've come here. My head is full and my heart is too. But I dont know quite how to express it...

I'm shying away from talkin to people in any real way about any of this anymore; I dunno. I guess maybe I'm just ready for something other than this. Things are what they are and honestly I'm really just over the whole thing... not over it as in mad or exasperated. But just... over it...

I'd much rather God talk to me about work or my family or something. But this seems to be the order of the day, so I guess I'll just keep typing and see where it takes me this time.


That's a million dollar word. One I have apparently never really fully understood. Authentic to me just meant 'not fake'. As in, you are who you are. You just always make sure you put your best foot forward and you have all these nice neat little packages and compartments in life. And then I learned just how not realistic that thought was. But I still thought authenticity was in a lot of ways a very surface thing...

Who knew I'd learn through all this what it is to really be authentic? To really own your wants and needs and desires and etc - even in going before God. Truly. For whatever reason, that never quite dawned on me. But then the other day as i posted, it clicked. And it's interesting. In being so upfront during my time with God, I felt a sort of release in my own spirit.

I gave myself a pass to not do this perfectly. I gave myself a pass to not want to talk to H - and to actually indulge that in those moments.I gave myself a pass to not want to explain or justify my behaviors and responses to any of this - and to actually NOT be bothered to do either of those things. Its like I gave myslf permission to just not be that into this whole scene. And I'm really taking full advantage of that.

And finding that I like it.

Do I miss H? Of course I do. Do I want things to be resolved? Absolutely. Am I gonna just ignore that man for days and days on end? Most likely not. Am I gonna obey and really work on this with him? Sure am.

But... i get to breathe in this. I get to take a step back if and whenever I need to. I get to take care of me. I get to be my own advocate right now. And for once in my life, it doesn't feel selfish.

Becuse at the end of the day, responding to myself in a way that allows my heart to heal in a way that honors God and H, is just as important as how hard I work to show him... whatever he needs to see.

i'm still working th ru this one. I know there's more but I'm too tired to keep goin down the path right now. So I'mma get some sleep and maybe I'll be back in a few hours to finish discovering whatever truth God is trying to show me. - because I know its there. I can feel it in my spirit; I'm just too tired to grab hold of it right now and delve down deep into it.


Wednesday, September 7, 2011

That Way That You Love Me

Remember that song I said I'd share lyrics to when I was ready? Here they are:

This heart breaks…Slowly…Tell me, what are u doing to me?
When I prayed ‘Do what it takes’I didn’t know I’d lose everything
Everything that meant anything to me is gone
Somethin’ right has to come from this wrong

It is the hurt that breaks me
It is the pain that pulls me to my knees
And the, tears they changed me til what I couldn’t see becomes so clear to me…
This is the way, the way that you love me

My way
Destroying me
I couldn’t see I was my worst enemy
So you took away til my soul ached
And I knew that it was no mistake that everything that meant anything to me was gone
Somethin’ right has to come from this wrong

It is the hurt that breaks me
It is the pain that pulls me to my knees
And the tears they’ve changed me til what I couldn’t see becomes so clear to me

And this is the waaaaaay
You love me so much that you let, you let me fall knowing that I would lose it all and hear your call
You love me so much that you chased me…
When I ran away you captured me by letting me run to the end of myself

To the end of myself

And this is the way you love me

The way you love me
It is the hurt that breaks me
It is the pain that pulls me to my knees
It is the tears they’ve changed me til what I couldn’t see becomes so clear to me
And this is the way

The way that you love me

This is the way You love me ...

These words resonate deep inside me. They sound sad and like someone with a broken heart, but only if you've never been there with Him before.

HOWEVER, if you've been here before, you understand that even though there is hurt and pain and tears, there is also an amazing knowledge of God's power, sovereignty, and love that comes from this place.

This is the place in the journey where, when it's all said and done, you find your rest. Because in all that you've had to endure God's purpose has become (or is becoming) clear. The loss, the fear, the hurt, all the stuff that has befallen you confronts you and you look at Him and say 'I see it now. It's clear. Who You are. How You love me. It's clear.' All that becomes real.

And as I alluded to last week, I am here. There is one more thing before the door on my past is closed. One more fear to face, one more trial to endure, one more peace to make. And as He prepares me, I realize that this truly is the way that He loves me. What He's requiring of me brings with it a pain that I am afraid to experience. I doubt that I can stand under it. But He knows that I can. HE already knows what's needs to be. Because as a result of a pain so deep that it rocks my core, I will also simultaneously experience a love so deep that it heals all the hurts and washes all the dry places.

I will be made fresh and new in this next few months and I will be ready to walk in full obedience to the call on my life.

Because He loves me enough to take me to a place where He has to be my source and my strength, I will know His love in a new way, on a new level... Just like every other trial I've endured has taken me deeper, so will this one.

That in the midst of storms He speaks and calms raging seas is amazing. And I have watch it become reality in my own life, I find truly that it is an act of love that He takes us there and then demonstrates His own amazingness for all to see.

Over the next *however long* stretch of time, I will probably talk (or type) this out - because I need to. I need to wrap my mind and heart around all that's comin' and I need to let His love settle on my heart and spirit. I'm gonna share what I can (and it probably won't be much), but know that the encouragement you always give is invaluable and will be even moreso now than ever...

And Jenn, I know you're there. Always have been, always will be. And I love you for it. This soldier-girl action is no small endeavor and your tenacity will be well rewarded. Just obey Him. Trust what seems crazy; walk in what hurts to the core of your being. And then as you do all that, watch Him work it all out in a way that protects the life He's promised you, even as He systematically strips you of the life He never meant you to lead. His perfect time, His mysterious ways, they all work together for our good and He does all things well. Ride or die, chica. He told me to take you with me, so grab those timbs and that water-bottle and let's get to it... I love you with the heart and passion of Christ. I love you.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Holy Spirit Thought of the Day,August 10-09

"Pure power corrupts, but power clothed in humility and grace blesses the recipient of its service."

peace ya'll

King Solomon Was Right... Ecclesiastes Says It All

Life is a cycle. Plain and simple. All that we do and no matter how much we experience. It really is all just the circle of life. The situations may differ, the circumstances may be fresh to us, but the crux of the matter is that the circle of conception, birth, life, & death happens spiritually and physically time and time again in our lifetime. Call it change, call it evolution, call it whatever you like, but Ecclesiastes says throughout that there is nothing new under the sun. That there is season for everything under the sun...

I've been thinkin' about this alot over the last week. I just sense this spirit of change all around. I sense the shifting in the Spiritual and I wonder how it will all look as it materializes in the natural. This last few years has been something straight outta Ripley's Believe It or Not for me, but this last few months has just flat issued a whipping the likes of which I hope I NEVER face again. And even in all that, I am keenly aware that this is life. Conception in various areas of life. The pains of labor. The moment that life is first thrust into the world. The bittersweetness of the way life happens. And the bittersweetness of the end of a thing.

It's amazing.Nothing short of amazing. God shows us this cyle in soooo many ways, but my favorite the last few years has been in the seasons changing. I have been so aware of the gradual, seamless, blending of the seasons from one to the next and of the definite stark contrasts in each. Not all the seasons are my favorites but there is something beautiful unique to every one. There is something that makes me take notice and make the connections to those same cyclical changes in my own life.

My last summer... it seemed so short-lived. The fall. It was filled with melancholy as I recognized the same shifts and changes but excitement because I still saw so much beauty around me. Then winter came. And winter lasted for an eternity. So many things died. So many things just seemed to stagnate and not move a muscle. The interminable nature of it has hurt almost as bad as the death that's come with it. But spring showed up a few months ago and the birthing pains began. It has been excruciating (and ya'll if natural childbirth is anything like it, I see why folks want drugs. Some things you just want to sleep thru. Seriously.) The labor pains. This new life trying to spring forth from the womb. It knows that it must leave the security of that place, or it and the carrier will perish. It has to emerge from the sanctuary of the womb. There is no other choice. Because it is destined to live.

Summer. The labor pains are almost done and summer is upon me. 5 years ago I was keenly aware of fall, drawn to it, in awe of it, take aback by the vividness of that perfectly seasoned time of year, amazed that part of the beauty of all those colors and changes lied in the fact that death was slowly coming for those things and that winter would lay it all barren for a time.

But now, 5 years later, I am keenly aware of summer.Of the warmth and heat and discomfort and beauty and brightness and boldness and relaxed, go-with-the-flow atmosphere. I'm captivated by the bold color and the fact that life is blooming all around in various shades and volumes and forms. I'm drawn to the life and freedom that comes with it.

I said a while ago that I miss me. And I do. The last few years it's like God took me and hid me in Himself in such a way that who I've always known myself to be and who most others have always known me to be has been totally hidden from sight. My appearance has changed. My attitude. My demeanor. There has been nothing about me that is what it was - who I used to be. And in many ways that's been welcome.

But in lots of ways, it's been tough.

If you've ever been there you know what I mean. Its one of those places in life where you are forced to dig deep and discover truth about you. Some good and some not so great. And as you discover, you are forced to embrace or get rid of some things. You are walking in a place that is bittersweet the whole way - because the good stuff, well, it's really really good. But that stuff you'd rather not deal with - it confronts you on a regular and forces you to deal with it. You are required to see beyond your flaws and insecurities and to get some real perspective on who you were, who you are, and who you are meant to be. It feels intensely public, but it is really intensely private. What you think should be plain to people around you is most often not - and that most often is due to 1) a refusal to see and 2) blindness born of their own humanity.

That's where I've lived for 5 years now.

But over the last few weeks, I've felt like summer inside. The girl I missed has become a woman I long to see live and breathe.... She's comin out. Choices I never thought I'd make again, I'm making. Freedom I never thought I'd feel, I'm feeling. Life. I want to live it. I'm going to live it. On my terms. And I feel great about everybit of that. The new things I've found about me, I love them. The things in me that needed to be dealt with, well... they've been (or are being) dealt with. And I'm finally ready to leave the womb and take on the next chapter.

A new cycle is starting for me and I plan to live it and languish in it and drink in every part of it, so that the next go-round, it's just a little easier to know that all the cares in the world and all the wailing and nashing of teeth is vanity, because there is nothing new under the sun. Just like Ecclesiastes says.


Friday, September 2, 2011

For Darius

I got your question.

I work for a Development Company - actuall I work for TWO companies. (Both are development companies, as a matter of fact.)

I am office manager for one and executive assistant for the other; both full-time.

This works for two reasons:

My boss is partner in the second company, so I maintained my original position.
Both office out of one building. My first job is upstairs, my second is downstairs.

I was (am) able to fast at work because the company is small; very family-like and most of us are Believers.

Where we are right now, is relying fully on God and this week we have needed Him desperately.
So, one of us took the initiative to lead us all to fast.

Gotta love how the Lord works things like this out. The environment here is just what I prayed for. (Well, with the exception of one oddball - but that's neither here nor there.)


"to do for yourself the best that you have it in you to do - to grit your teeth and clench your fists in order to survive the world at its harshest and worst - is, by that very act, to be unable to let something be done for you and in you that is more wonderful still. The trouble with steeling youself against the harshness of reality is that the same steel that secures your life against being destroyed secures your life also against being opened up and transformed."

(The Sacred Journey)

I'm reading this book: Captivating.

I wasn't so sure I could get with it at first, but somehow about page 30 or so, I really started getting into it.

I just had to share this quote. I'll be back later with more on the book. And on some other stuff.

Love ya'll

Thursday, September 1, 2011

RANT.You Might Just Wanna By-Pass This Whole Post

I need to vent.

I am tired. Tired of hurt and frustration and egos that overshadow acceptable conduct and true dignity. I am tired of being required to defend my life and my decisions, JUST to make another person feel better. I am fed up with the notion that I owe anyone a level of honor that would force me to move in a direction other than the one the Lord has clearly charted for my life. I am absolutely disgusted with the concept that I am required to give respect that is not due - in form of worship to a man and for the sake of maintaining a relationship.

I have been persecuted, mistreated, called judgemental, told what my relationship with the Lord must be, compared to a w*ore, called an embarrasment to MYSELF and otherwised treated poorly. Because I have chosen to follow the Lord. And that, in and of itself, apparently makes me critical of everyone around me and the lives they live.

This whole thing of be quiet and do what's right no matter what anybody else does - I'm ok w/that. But when did 'right' become not requiring that our relationships with eachother remain dignified? When did it become 'right' that we allow the integrity of our interactions with eachother to be compromised, for the sake of turning the other cheek. Christ was gentle, but he was honest. And when it was required he was very strong in his speech. Why do we as, Believers, think that in order to honor the Lord we must forever allow what isn't pleasing to Him to reign. We have a responsiblity to each other as brothers and sisters in faith, FIRST before any other relationship we claim, to hold eachother to the standard that pleases the Lord.

I am heartbroken that nobody seems to want to speak the truth. It's not all bad. Well. No it isn't. But when things are done that are good, and then thrown back in the face of the recipient as a way to keep them under the control/thumb of another, then good pretty much flies out the window. When you choose to take care of others, then resent the imposition to your life, home, desires - then you pretty much nulify your 'good'.

And when you TAKE the right to speak to others about how they are living their lives and the 'mistakes' you just know they're making and about how you're concerned and bothered at how they 'allow' other people to 'use' them and 'toy' with them and 'mistreat' them, but you then treat your OWN far worse than anything you 'think' you see in that other relationship - that, THAT, makes you a hypocrite.

Am I looking for perfection?NOPE. But I'd just love to see something that resembles decency.

And then to ask me to pray for that person that is PURPOSELY harming me with their poor conduct - because you see, they know and will admit that their behavior SUCKS - as a way of softening the message you were given to deliver to me. THAT is just foolish. ARE U SERIOUS? WHAT would make you think that peace-keeping efforts are working here? WHAT would make you think that me praying over hearts and attitudes (like I've been doing, and you have too) would change the implicated next step if I don't 'get it together', so to speak???

I'm just freaking sick of this. And before I delve off into a me that needs to remain sleep, Im ending now.

Later ya'll.

Transparency Is Overrated


The last time me and him had a transparent conversation, where I was HONEST and such.... the last time THAT happened, all THIS foolishness came to the surface.

And wouldn't you know it. We had another honest conversation on Friday. No telling what'll come as a result.

*rollin my eyes*

I really hope this doesn't end up like THAT did.


We should be on Jerry Springer.

That is all.