A Blessing In Disguise Indeed

I sat for some of my favorite kids yesterday, which always gives me a little bit of free time. Because they are still young enough to nap. So during that time, I sat down and really just started talking to God, telling Him the truth of the things in my heart and of my desires.

I had gone to bed the night before, talkin to God, trying to give Him my fears, doubts, and failures like He asked of me. Woke up still feeling like I hadn't quite finished that task, but feeling better than I had in many  many days.Got dressed to go keep the kiddos and ... there began some real transparency with me and God...

One of the things God has been saying to me since this started is that He calls me friend. But I had no idea how that tied in here. Because I have felt like what He's requiring is more Master that Friend. But He has kept calling me friend in all this. And one of my four, the second of the two that I know has my back and supports my obedience, said to me a few days ago, it's ok for you to ask God for what you want. It's fine that you're really working to be selfless and put the best interests of others ahead of your own heart and desires, but this is not meant to be one-sided. It's ok to say to God that you need to see H give back the same thing you are being and have been required to give to him. Which was so significant for me, because during our conversation God had also impressed on me to speak my heart to Him and to do it with boldness and fearlessness - which has also been the prayer of my other ride-or-die chick in all this. And never mind that God has told me the same thing since this started: "pray boldly and honestly. dont worry about perfect words. Just give Me your heart. I will do with it what I mean to be done in this situation."

FINALLY, as I talked with Debs and we prayed together, I started to get the boldness thing. Then the posts from Tuesday and Wednesday emerged and God started showing me what He was doing in ME in all this. And I started to get the honesty thing. And then the fullness of what God is REALLY asking me to do here hit me, and with it, the realization that it is perfectly fine for me to expect an awful lot more than just H's faithfulness in all this. It is perfectly fine for me to expect him to be every bit the man I've been asking God for since I first started learning what it is to obey Him and to talk with Him and make my requests known. And it doesn't make me selfish or immature or any of that - which I wouldn't have thought of others in this situation. I just have thought it of myself.... yes i know how ridiculous it is, THANKYOU VERY MUCH. =)

Because let's be honest here for a minute. God has asked me to sacrifice a SIGNIFICANT set of desires to walk in this relationship. He has asked quite a bit in many many ways. And I have done it because I love Him and because I fear Him. But I have NOT done it to be some sort of martyr for the cause. Not at all. I have not been so obedient and so faithful and so prayerful and so meek and so ... any of what I've been ... to reap only a man who manages to be faithful. I have been all those things because a) pleasing God matters to me and  b) I want God's best for my life and my children; I want the promises He makes for generations to come. Faithful is NOT enough. Because it's not what I asked and it's not what God's promised. He's promised EXCELLENCE. Anything less is unacceptable.

But up until yesterday, I had not been bold enough to say that. I had been too shaken and too rattled to speak up and hold both God and H accountable in all this. Too tired and too hurt and too unsure. But real talk, i'd rather be alone than take back a man who doesn't have the gumption to get himself together and chase the life he wants and is called to live. Because I fully intend to have mine. I fully intend to keep on runnin this race. H is more than welcome to join me. I want it more than anything else, aside from salvation for our children and intimacy with God. But that's between him and God, and I cannot force him to do not one blessed thing. I CAN however call to account what God has promised. And I CAN remind Him of the years I spent praying specifically for things in a husband and father - because I have never desired to submit myself to a man who would  not be good to me and who would not lead me spiritually.

DUH!!! This is where I get to choose!

I have some power in this! I have some authority here! I can speak God's word. I can remind Him of His promises to me. I can ask Him to remember the prayers he put on my tongue at 21 years old for a husband I had yet to even know. I can ask Him to remember the promises He's made to me over the last four years, promises He started speaking to my spirit when He told me to go back to our relationship. I do NOT have to take the position of a foreigner here. I am not supposed to abdicate my position. And that has nothing to do with H and EVERYTHING to do with God. DUUUUUUH! My position in Him, the relationship that we share, the intimacy and the friendship between us allows me to come to Him in all honesty and basically say 'Hey God! Remember me? I know we're better than this. I know You're not just gonna leave me stuck out here. I did all this on the strength of You, Your word, Your promises. So I need You to make some things happen. I need You to show up. I need You to come through.'

I DO get a say. I am not at anyone's mercy in this. I just need to remember all the stuff that God has taught me through this season and act like I know who I am in Him.

My uncle told me this the day before the floor fell from under my feet. I believe he said, 'Remember that you have been given authority in heaven, on earth, and under the earth. You need to know when to use it and how to walk in it.'

Seems that this would have been the whole point of facing myself and God on His terms... Understanding my relationship with God, really recognizing my position spiritually unlocked the door to walk in the authority He's given to me.

I sat on the sofa as the babies napped yesterday and I talked to my God.  Nothing formal. Nothing eloquent. Just honest and true. I gave Him my heart. I used the privilege of our friendship. Seriously. I said 'God, friend to friend.... I will obey as a daughter and as a slave... but friend to friend, this is what's in my heart. This is how I feel . This is what I've asked and I really expect that as a friend those things will be honored...' And I started to remind Him, as He brought it back to my heart, all of the things I prayed for specifically in a husband and a man. I gave myself permission in those moments to be genuine and true to me. Authenticity took root. And confidence in myself and my desires and God's plans for me along with it.

Lo and behold. This would be the first fruit of the blessing in disguise. Pain has given way to spiritual clarity and a better understanding of the relationshp God has allowed me to share with Him. Every ounce of newness that has been worked in me these last few years has risen to the top, and that new woman - the one who knows and loves herself, the one who expects the best and believes the best - she is awake! She's alive! Far from killing me, this is helping me to live. I'm LIVING. And it is a wonderful wonderful feeling in the midst of an uncomfortable situation. I'm truly learning to live.

And between H and I... what can I say... we're blossoming beautifully. Our friendship is so strong right now and so apparent. After I posted Tuesday and Wednesday, I felt literally in my spirit like the gap between us had been closed. And as we started talking again yesterday, it was the strangest thing... I sense the change in him. He's behaving toward me like a friend and a partner. Playful and easy. No tension and no distance. He's asking things of me that one asks their person. Take care of this for me. Check on that for me. Would you do... ? And it's not out of a sense of entitlement. It's a genuine sense of comraderie and trust between us now. No barriers and no road blocks... Even today. More of the same, but way deeper than just a friendship. I sensed our foundation, how strong and solid it is, how it's all in tact and totally established. And now, FINALLY, how our friendship is being rightly established.

My mind is blown. What satan has meant for evil God really is using for good. Far from pushing us apart, this is bringing us closer together. There is a new trust, a new respect, a sense of oneness between us....

I'm almost in tears. God is establishing us in righteousness just like I've asked. Everything that's gone before is over and done. This is a whole new thing. God is doing a whole new thing. And watching it unfold is just something beyond me.

A blessing in disguise indeed.  INDEED.

I've finally found my long lost bff. And that just makes my heart sing...

Thank you God. A blessing in disguise... I appreciate You. I dont take for granted what You're doing. I'm grateful. Beyond grateful. And thankful. And excited.Finally. I'm excited. You are keeping Your word and I am in awe of You. I dont know what's next. But I do know that what You've done so far is worthy of praise and worship an adoration. Thank you Lord that You call me friend. Thank you for my high position and for teaching me how to use it. Thank you for the collision course H and I are on, the one leading us right to the center of Your will. All I can say is thank you Lord. I love you.We are learning to love You together. Thank you for the truth; Thank you for the fire and the proving. Prepare H's spirit for what's coming and do in his heart as You desire to bring about Your will in his life and his walk with You. Pleae keep remembering me. Please keep calling me friend.

In Jesus' Name. Amen.