Chu is the first and only man that I have ever had in my life that has allowed me to find the courage enough to see him as trustworthy. He has endured my distance and my coldness and my total lack of expectation - at least of anything worth having. And even in the times where he has met my expectation of UTTERLY failing, he has gotten up, dug his feet in and gotten back to the business at hand... And all of this proves to me that he is trustworthy. My heart is safe with him. And this, I have worked really hard to grow into...
Just when I get comfortable... BAM ... here comes some more growth. *rollin' my eyes waaaaaaaaaay too hard*
I gotta learn how to submit? Not really feelin' that. We won't even go there with the conversation between me and the Lord on this one. Just know: HE WON.
I followed the direction and let Chu dictate the flow of things over the weekend. And considering that this is in direct relationship to my miffed-ness with him last week, we all know this did not taste sweet going down for me. HOWEVER, for him it seems to have unlocked some door internally. That man started speaking like he intends to be the head of somebody's household *coughcough* and I sat and listened in sheer amazement at the fact that he seemed to grow like FIFTY FEET TALL in 30 seconds flat. And it was in that moment that I realized what I am being called to do is not just to do what he tells me to do, or to let him have the last say because that's really his right position, but I am being instructed (and please note, I did not say 'asked' or 'encouraged') to trust that man with my life.
Now, I have always known that submission is just a matter of whether or not I trust him and more than that, whether or not I trust Him with my life. It has been all good to learn all that in theory. I have sat thru marriage classes plenty of times and all this has been drilled into my head countless times - but seriously it was all good, LONG AS IT DIDN'T APPLY TO ME. Now that I am having to begin applying all this head-knowledge, I'm finding that my heart is a very reluctant student.
More and more we are talking about building a life together and as exciting as that prospect is for me, it is overwhelmingly nerve-inducing. Seriously. I break out in a cold-sweat (not really, just being dramatic). The very idea of that sort of one-on-one all up in my business all the time-ness is jus a BIT much for my not very public,unaccustomed to sharing or having to do what somebody tells me to, loner self.
I discovered this weekend that submission is about so much more than just accpeting his authority &/or input; it really is about trust. It is a matter of whether or not I trust him to care for me fully, whether or not I trust him to know me - really know me - intimately and still like me, let alone still love me, whether or not I trust him to see me in all of my un-pretty glory and still think I'm sexy. (He's seen ugly clothes and even seen ugly hair, but tied up hair? DO RAGS and satin caps people, and other 'before I'm semi-puttogether' mess? NOT EVEN.) And we will not even discuss the idea of goin to the bathroom with him in the same house. SO SERIOUS. *tmi, maybe?* Wondering if he will be so grossed out at the un-ladylike things that he has so far been spared, that it'll send him packin', and trusting that none of that foolishness really matters to him and all that DOES matter is the life we share.
Some of this is silly I know, but it's real and honest and in the course of the time we spent together this weekend and last night, all of it dawned on me in a very fresh, real, new way...
But I guess I'd rather tackle this mountain of trusting him fully than live a life that does not include him at all... So it's on to conquer the beast, people!
bye,
Just when I get comfortable... BAM ... here comes some more growth. *rollin' my eyes waaaaaaaaaay too hard*
I gotta learn how to submit? Not really feelin' that. We won't even go there with the conversation between me and the Lord on this one. Just know: HE WON.
I followed the direction and let Chu dictate the flow of things over the weekend. And considering that this is in direct relationship to my miffed-ness with him last week, we all know this did not taste sweet going down for me. HOWEVER, for him it seems to have unlocked some door internally. That man started speaking like he intends to be the head of somebody's household *coughcough* and I sat and listened in sheer amazement at the fact that he seemed to grow like FIFTY FEET TALL in 30 seconds flat. And it was in that moment that I realized what I am being called to do is not just to do what he tells me to do, or to let him have the last say because that's really his right position, but I am being instructed (and please note, I did not say 'asked' or 'encouraged') to trust that man with my life.
Now, I have always known that submission is just a matter of whether or not I trust him and more than that, whether or not I trust Him with my life. It has been all good to learn all that in theory. I have sat thru marriage classes plenty of times and all this has been drilled into my head countless times - but seriously it was all good, LONG AS IT DIDN'T APPLY TO ME. Now that I am having to begin applying all this head-knowledge, I'm finding that my heart is a very reluctant student.
More and more we are talking about building a life together and as exciting as that prospect is for me, it is overwhelmingly nerve-inducing. Seriously. I break out in a cold-sweat (not really, just being dramatic). The very idea of that sort of one-on-one all up in my business all the time-ness is jus a BIT much for my not very public,unaccustomed to sharing or having to do what somebody tells me to, loner self.
I discovered this weekend that submission is about so much more than just accpeting his authority &/or input; it really is about trust. It is a matter of whether or not I trust him to care for me fully, whether or not I trust him to know me - really know me - intimately and still like me, let alone still love me, whether or not I trust him to see me in all of my un-pretty glory and still think I'm sexy. (He's seen ugly clothes and even seen ugly hair, but tied up hair? DO RAGS and satin caps people, and other 'before I'm semi-puttogether' mess? NOT EVEN.) And we will not even discuss the idea of goin to the bathroom with him in the same house. SO SERIOUS. *tmi, maybe?* Wondering if he will be so grossed out at the un-ladylike things that he has so far been spared, that it'll send him packin', and trusting that none of that foolishness really matters to him and all that DOES matter is the life we share.
Some of this is silly I know, but it's real and honest and in the course of the time we spent together this weekend and last night, all of it dawned on me in a very fresh, real, new way...
But I guess I'd rather tackle this mountain of trusting him fully than live a life that does not include him at all... So it's on to conquer the beast, people!
bye,
PS - Don't be surprised if you see more and more of this mess. *Rolling my eyes* I have to work thru it somehow and it doesn't sound as babyish if I blog it, as it would if I were to oh... i dunno... tell Chu how I'm feelin. *sheesh. I liked it better when I didn't care what a man thought.*
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