Ok.
I have no idea why I can only process this by blogging, but that just seems to be the only way I can work thru my emotions... so... here we go.
Blogging last night was part of me giving in to God and getting beyond my own willfullness in this. It always helps me to see things in black and white. Somehow, putting words on paper takes me beyond my own barriers and gives me a clear glimpse into my own heart... And as much as I dont like it right now, because of the fact that my heart changes from day to day, I really DO need to understand why i feel how I feel...
As much as I would like to resist it, I need to process this...
I'm saying all this, because I have been avoiding this blog all day. I do not want to face anymore truth. Nor do I want to deal with any more conviction. Nor do I want to delve into anymore of why I am how, who, or what I am.
But I need to do this.... I need to....
So.
I spent the evening working thru that 'yes' action....
Literally every yes brought to the surface someting in particular that I'm agreeing to accept, understand, see, believe, trust, let go, or forgive. And with each yes, every realization of what exactly it means, came an extreme discomfort in the pit of my belly.
For real. I just feel sick inside. Because I have no idea what I'm agreeing to deal with. And in truth, this surrender is so much more about honoring God than anything else. Because the truth is I just dont wanna do this. I dont wanna deal with the fall out or the aftermath. Not from my family or his or his babymama or any of that other foolishness that comes with this. I just dont wanna do it. I just don't want to...
I'll just keep it real. I knew what the feelin' was as soon as it creeped up. I knew more than a week ago that part of why I'm struggling so hard to get past the hurt, besides that fact that it just isn't gonna go away overnight, is that if I hold on to the pain, I can protect myself. Because that pain is a barrier between us. However thin, and however slight. It is some sort of shield. And it lets me get back to angry and hard....
But to let it go? That means that, by default, I'm trusting him and I'm letting him back in - deeper than ever, more intimately than ever. Because one thing we ARE gaining in this is true transparency with eachother. Really letting go means that there's nothing between us and no way to protect my own heart.
So. As much as it may sound like drama, trust me when I say it's not. Admitting that I want to walk away was a hard thing - because in my heart that meant admitting that I feel defeat in this. Admitting that it took a serious word from the Holy Spirit to bring me to obedience is a hard thing - because really. I should know by now that God is not interested in what I feel, but in what is right in His sight. And I should be willing to honor that. Period.
And admitting that my 'yes' really is yes is the hardest of all. Because that means that I honestly truly did give up my only source of protection in myself. (I know God is my Protector. I'm just sayin... ) More than any of what yes means on H's behalf, what it means on my behalf is staggering... It means that I have relinquished control in this situation. It means that I have left myself vulnerable and that I have to endure this place of feeling like I'm at the mercy of somebody else's decision making. It means that I have to actually go forward with this process of delving into my own heart and workin thru the parts of this that take me to the place where all this mess started in me. It means I have to see me for who I am right now and that I have to decide who I am going to be as God's works this out. It means recognizing who he isnt and believing fully in who he is. It means knowing that this one situation isn't one that I can allow to color his character in my sight for the rest of our lives. For crying out loud, it means accepting the face that I'm agreeing to a 'rest of our lives'. It means knowing that he is still the man that I finally had begun to believe I could trust with my heart and my life. It means believing in his love for me.
And it means accepting my love for him.
And more than all that, it means I have to check back in. I have to let the rift be fully mended. I have to follow all the instructions that come as a result of the yes that was offered.
I have to let God take my past and make me a new person, just like I've asked to see in H. I have to be that woman that truly does mean: you can tell me anything. I have to be that partner that really sincerely invites him to rest in me, no matter what we face. I have to allow myself to be turned into that woman who walks in real authenticity... I have to go deeper. Gotta give more - a lot more.
I have to give me.
Because if we go through all this. If we make it past ALL THIS only to be the same, then that means it was for nothing. And that I shoulda just walked away. Because not to take the risks of the yes is, in effect, to walk away anyway.
hmmm... outta all my thinking today, this was the first time I've been able to put words to the feelings...
The sick feelin' in the pit of my belly... I'm betting it's not gonna go away anytime soon. Because it's pretty near panic on my part. In all seriousness. And the only thing that's gonna kill it, is watching God work in this to make it right between us...
I guess what I'm saying here is that my yes truly is yes; and that I'm willing to face my own demons and become the me that we both need and want me to be - instead of an emotional stepford or a human machine.
So. All the messiness, all the imperfection, all the too much and not enough.... let's get it. I've kept you hidden for far too long and I think it's time we experience some real life together.
It's high time we live in freedom instead of fear. Me and him both...
Alright God. Let's get it...
*hmmm... i guess all this would mean i need to start answering the phone again, wouldn't it?! ha! ... we'll see how that works out for him tomorrow.* =)
Ok God. Please help me to be brave enough to walk this out. Because only You and me really understand exactly how afraid I am right now. This is a tall order. And one that is certainly beyond my own ability to accomplish. I'm willing. I really am willing. I want he fullnes of what You've reserved just for us. You've shown me so many things and told me so many things. You've made me so new inside and I really want to le that woman live. I want to let her breathe and thrive. I want all that You've done in my spirit privately to be put on display in my life, in my home, in my friendships. I want her to live God. I really want her to live. And I really want H to know her. I genuinely do. I know that he didn't do this to hurt me. I know in my heart that he's told me the truth and that he can be trusted. I know ... I know all that You've told me is real and right and good. So please help me. Help me to not be afraid with him or with You. Help me to not hide and to not check out. Give me time to process and time to be with You, but dont allow me to use it as a way to not face us... Give him the courage to be obedient and us both the hearts to deal with the consequences of it all.
We love You Lord and we want to do what's right. Both of us. In Jesus' Name. Amen.
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