For a few weeks now I have been facilitating the Love Dare for a group of ladies formed by a friend on FB... It has been incredibly challenging for me, but it has also been incredibly revealing. My heart has broken many many times during this study so far and we are only on Day 13 of 40.
I've done this once before. And we were having a bit of a time then. But this time....words cant even begin to express what it's taking - or giving.
My prayer has been that God would prepare me for what comes next between us.... A couple of days ago I realized something: I am willing now to make it easy for him. I said I was before. My mind had been made up, but my heart was so not there yet. I realized on the way home from the store that I have no intention of forcing a conversation or apology that really isn't valuable anyway right now. My heart is soft. Soft enough to simply say 'I love you' and let that be where we start.
My pride is finally sleeping and my pain is finally subsiding. My anger is not rage anymore. And all three of these things are signs to me of God at work.
Where'd all this come from, right? Cuz it certainly isn't just the love dares.
Well, me and God have been doing some talking and last week He showed me some things that brought to the surface the things that really make me most uneasy right now. And then as I talked that one out, other stuff came to the surface, consequences of this obedience thing...
For real... part of me feels like it's just crazy to even bother. But the part of me that is me, well... I think in terms of down the road. I'm very consequence minded. So in this for me, the only natural thing to do is break the whole into parts and look at what each part is gonna require as we walk this out. And THAT just made me even more at odds with God...
I believe I've said that I'm conflicted with God, but if I haven't, I'm saying it now. I've been more than a little conflicted with God in all this. Not because I dont know who He is or how sovereign or Holy or ... God... I got all that... I just have had a hard time reconciling the things that He's allowed and the price He's allowed, when at ever verbal tirade, He will say to me that I'm right about the reality of things - as far as character and conduct and etc... How He loves me and He allows ..... yeah... these are the things that leave me at a loss.
Anyway, me and a friend were talking and the road i was heading down, she cautioned me that maybe I needed to not head down it so that I didn't completely mess myself up trying to deal with all this. And of course, because I consider her words valuable, I started talking to God about it, asking if maybe I need to not think so far beyond the moment - because if so, then that would've meant He needed to shut my brain down and take me away from the thoughts of how to navigate what could be difficult waters internally - totally different from the craziness that will be my people.
All that kept coming to mind was: Wrestle with the Angel.
And then it dawned on me. When Jacob wrestled with the angel, it says that the angeld had to touch his hip in order to overpower him because Jacob REFUSED to give in until he got the blessing he knew was his. Jacob knew what God had promised him. God told him. But he was still afraid he would lose his life as he moved forward to claim the promise. There came a place where it was just Jacob and the angel. And they wrestled til daybreak. Literally Jacob would not quit. The angel had to 'wrench his hip' to get him to let go - and even then Jacob said he wasn't letting go until he got his blessing. It was then that he was blessed. And it was then that his name was changed to Israel - because he came face to face with God and survived. Scirpture says that he 'struggled with God and man' and that he overcame.
For me this is so powerful. Because indeed I am face to face with God in a serious way right now. See, I know what God's promised me. He's told me. And I'm walking it out. I am on the road to get the promise. And I'm almost there. But I'm scared for real that I'm walking right into enemy territory and that I'mma lose my life. And it is at THIS place where my faith is being tested....
God has been saying to me 'wrestle with the angel' and I didn't get it. How does one struggle with God? Well... I'm here to tell ya, it's easy. It's not that Jacob doesn't know who God is. It's not even that Jacob doesn't believe that God will keep his word. He's banking on that and he's decided that if God said it, it must be so, based on earlier in the chapter. It's that alone, in private, just him and God, he gets down and dirty and admits to all that he's not so sure of or so cool with about what God's asking. The struggle with God isn't really a literal struggle in a physical sense. It is the epic battle that comes when faith requires you to see beyond the natural and to believe God in spite of what is obvious to your human eyes. And then to WALK like what your spirit sees is real and like what is looking you in your natural face is not at all what that thing is gon' be. Jacob was conflicted with God. And that, I understand. I am convinced that Jacob had to be all 'God I know Esau. He's mad. Bro holds grudges and u're tellin me to trust that cat with my life... Can a brotha get a SIGN?!'
Cuz I'm sayin, 'God I know my man. And bro is ..... but you're tellin me he's gon' get this right... FINALLY... Can a sista get a SIGN?!'
But, even with all that. What really hit me hard the other day is that Jacob did not quit... If you gon' wrestle with (and PREVAIL over) an angel, you had to be a) determined, b) strong, and c) BOLD.
That's when it all clicked! A lightbulb went off. It finally all made sense. WRESTLE WITH THE ANGEL.
So, since Monday or Tuesday I've been wrestling with the agel.
And a curious thing has happened.... my pain has surfaced... not the fury I felt before and not so much the deep deep wail that has been.. But this dull throbbing ache that just makes me whimper to God and pray as honestly as possible and as boldly as i dare. It's driving me to hold God to His word, as opposed to running and hiding. A deep melancholy hit me last night and lingered into this morning. I was sitting, trying to blog, but only able to talk to God. And I heard myself say something I haven't said since this started:
"God, no matter how much this hurts, no matter how deep this ache, I WILL NOT quit. God I won't quit."
This is what it is to wrestle with the angel. This is what it is to struggle with God. Asking those hard questions. 'Choppin it up' as Sweetheart would say... facing the hard truths and pressing past the 'i dont wannas' and the family of WhyNot to arrive at your new home in the land of Promise. Looking at God and at the enemy and telling them both that you're in it to win it - knowing in your own heart that at the end of the day, nothing less than victory and possession is acceptable.
THIS is what it is to wrestle with the angel... I get it now.
God,
I want my life. I'm not letting go til you bless me. I want my name to be changed. I want everything that you've promised. I'll be brave enough to 'chop it up' with You about all this, but I need You to show me who You are. Show us all. Show us both. I know You're working. I just know it. But I know that I need to act like I know. So I'm gonna do my part. I won't turn away. I won't give up. I won't quit. I won't abandon him. I won't defy You. I will lead my heart instead of allowing it to lead me. But God, You've gotta keep Your word. The promises You've made... Honor them. And I'll do my best to honor You.
In Jesus' Name. Amen.
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