Once Again... Thanks God...

'The conversation wont be one either of you plans or expects. But resist not the words in your mouth. Talk to him honestly.'

I start tentatively ... i stop...

'Speak your heart, Love.'

I start again... and then... one statement leads to another one that leads to a poor attitude on the part of H. That leads me to say 'Are we friends enough to have this conversation?'

That leads to the conversation that has been held at bay for a long time but that needed to happen if I was to be alright ever ever ever in life with us being together permanently, after all this.

If we weren't dead before. I'm sure we are now. And I guess that God is gonna revive it.

Because, if He doesn't. It's just gonna stay like it is. He made a choice when he left Friday. And I made one when I started talking.

I'm not even gonna recount the words we exchanged. None of em were nice. All of em were honest. And necessary.

I'm good with obeying. I'm not good with being taken for granted for the sake of his convenience or comfort.

I'm learning to be good with staying. I'm not ever gonna be good with staying at the cost of respect and a real future.

If he loves me, he needs to act like it. Bottom line.

And because I love him, nothin' less than his best is good enough. Real talk.

I'm tired.

Anger has given way to hurt.

Again.

And now that hurt is giving way to the warrior chick that I am on the inside.

It's just how I roll in this season of life. Once i get mad. Once I finally stand back up from the blow and really get hot, then I fight. Because I promise I'm not doin all this just to lose. Please believe.

And I know I've said I wanna quit. I know I said I'm willin to forfeit the promises at this point.

I LIED.

I've worked too hard and fought WAY TOO LONG for me to take this one for the team. I'm not handing my life over to satan or any of his minions. Nor am I handing my family over.

H may piss me off. And I might wanna beat him down. But I'm NOT gonna give up my life. Nor am I gonna give up his.

The other grown-butt in all this. I told him friday, that's not even an issue. An inconvenience and a pain in the butt. But not an issue... But i got them too. Thinkin' they won... I got a news-flash. NOT SO MUCH.

The little people that BOTH their triflin' butts have put in the middle - especially the one that I already love, who's heart is gonna be hurt because of the grown-ups? That's a problem. He deserves better than what they're given. And the small one that I'mma learn to love? He deserves a fighting chance at not being plagued by grown-up foolishness.

God has called this mangy pack my family. So I have too. For a long time now. If there was a hope that satan had of me throwin H away, it all faded when the realization hit me squarely in the face that a) that act would prove satan right, and b) children - INNOCENT children - are affected by the choices we all make.

I might be the grown-up who's been wronged in all this. But that doesnt give me the freedom to not take the spiritual responsibilty for all our well-being that God has given me seriously. I dont have to like anything. God never asked me to. But I do have to obey.

And because that's just who I am at this point, I'm gonna obey. God knows my heart. He knows every pain and every bit of frustration and anger that still lingers. But. He's bigger than that. And quite frankly, if He can work in me like He has, He can work in H and that other clown too.

I might feel like transparency is overrated, right now. But I'm not willing to live with defeat or hopelessness. Not at all. And I'm certainly not willin to take one for the team because it'll make me feel better right now.

I'm not givin' anybody the satisfaction of giving up the things I've come to long for because they make it damned inconvenient to cross the finish line. And I'm certainly not giving a THEIF the pleasure of punking me like it's trynna punk my man.

Not even.

Friday night was a wake-up call. He wants She-Ra. He talked all that yack about how he's knows I'm strong - hopin in his head that would mean I'm strong enough to let him hurt me while he bull-corns around and tries to tarry on some decision-making, all the while taking for granted that cuz I've said the Lord has told me to stay committed to us, I'mma do that and not require somethin of him. BLESS HIS HEART. REAL LIFE hit him square in his mug. He got She-Ra alright.

Since both him and God seem to believe - with two totally different motives in mind - that I'm so strong and stuff, I guess I'll just walk it out. And I guess they'll both be proved right.  In all humility and in all honesty. Cuz the very strength H takes for granted is the very strength that REQUIRES me to hold him accountable for my heart, our relationship, and our future. And the very strength God keeps tellin' me I have is the very strength He always restores and calls me to draw from when it's time to stand up and fight.

I guess they're both gonna get to see me rise to the occassion.

I hope I please God.

And I hope H finds some of the same character that he loves so much about me, inside himself.

He's not a sorry man. But he's behavin like one. And it's time that ends.

He thinks he walked away, but he RAN right on into a face-to-face come to Jesus meetin. And I'm gon' do my part to make sure I usher him there.

If you know my heart, you know this isnt said in pride. I know that he's gonna hurt. And I know that God is gonna do some tremendous shaking in him and in all of us. I know that  in the choice to accept this foolishness and receive him back as God rattles his cage is to choose my shame.

I'm choosin. I'm choosing the same shame Christ chose when He chose to die, hoping that I'd accept the gift of life... The shame of God's way. The shame of sacrifice and crucifixtion that leads to someone else's redemption. The shame that leads to something beautiful when the stone is rolled away.

So... I'm gonna accept the lessons about love. I'm gonna take all that and I'm gonna walk in it. Starting now. It's a fight they want... It's a fight they're gonna get. And since my commander-in-chief is God, it's a fight I fully intend to win.

Song of Solomon 8:6... Lord, may my love for H be as strong as death. May its jealousy be as unyielding as the grave. You conquered the grave before Christ faced the cross.  I cant say I believe You and then not stand up and do my part. It's Your job to fix this, not mine. But it's my job to obey and move like You say, to open the door and invite You in. So. Finally. I'll accept the strength You've given me. I'll accept the fact that my heart is not too hard to love H. I'll accept that my heart is not too bitter to love our newest sweetheart. I'll even accept the fact that I'm not too hurt to fight for the best interest of the Intruder. Anything less negates the work You've done in me. So. I'm choosing. Not my way. Your way. Not what's easy. What's right. Not what's natural. What's wise. And not what feels good. But what IS good. Prove Yourself. You spoke to me that You are proving something in my surrender. I will accept that and I will stand and watch as You revive and restore. The enemies I see today, I know in my heart, I will never see them again. Part the Red Sea, God.  I'm taking the authority You've given to me and I'm gonna fight. Because it's either fight or die. And death is not an option. I'm gonna fight. Lord please... Part the Red Sea. Take us safely across on dry land and drown the Egyptians that follow. The conviction that rang out in our conversation, use it to accomplish Your purpose and to draw hearts to You, rather than away from You. Show me what to do, how to love. Show me how to pray and how to stand. And show those who are praying with and for us, exactly what we need as You give us our life back. Heal my sweet son's heart; use the pain that he will feel in this for Your purpose in his life. Open my little one's heart to You, as he enjoys the sweet privilege of seeing his father walk in Godly manhood. Thank You for their lives and thank You for an opportunity to love them beyond my natural ability - as if they were my very own. I'm trusting You God. In Jesus Name. Amen.