I have mentioned the study I'm sort of facilitating and the object lessons that I seem to be receiving as a result.
What I did not mention is that I am actually the one who is responsible for creating this study. And it has been an undertaking like nothing I've done before. I'm finding that by virtue of the position of 'teacher', I'm being held to a higher standard and to a much different level of accountability. It's pretty intense.
I've always been a 'teacher', but more in line with mentoring than actual teaching. And I've always taught things that are based on prior experience, never things that I know on the surface, but that I am learning on a deeper level, even as I teach others the same lessons.
This is a really strange place for me to be, because it is compounded by the great game of hurry-up-and-wait me and the Lord seem to be enjoyin' right now. He told me a few weeks ago that as trying as so much of what's happenin' around me is right now, it's all designed to draw me closer to Him. He wants me to know Him in a different way. In a way I've never known Him before.
I actually thought this study would be how He does that, and in some ways it is, but really what's bringing that to pass is that I'm having to change how I see Him as a whole. I have known His grace in so far as Him being a protector. I have known His favor in so far as the positions He's always allowed me to enjoy. I have known His friendship because He tells me lots and lots of stuff. I know Him as a Father because, well, it's how He makes the most sense to me.
Now, I am learning His grace because I am not perfect. And that imperfection allows me to recognize just how often He gives to me more than I could ever deserve on my own. I am coming to know His favor and His love beause He protects me. I am in a position of vulnerability and it leaves me uneasy, but every step of the way, He's keepin' me safe. I know His friendship differently because even though things are wierd right now and I'm all outta wack lots of the time, He sits with me. Lets me confide and vent and just get it all out. And then He tells me to get back up and keep on goin - just like I'd expect from a friend. And I know Him as a Father, because I have had the distinct impression that He hurts with me.
When I was a little girl, my dad used to cry if he had to discipline me or if I had to face something that was difficult. He would hurt because he knew I didn't understand it all just yet, but he knew that it had to be that way because I had to learn the lesson of the challenge. He knew that he could fix it, but he understood a much greater truth: fixing it would hurt me in the long run. But enduring it and standing under the pressure and the pain would build character and confidence in me, the likes of which I'd never know otherwise.
This is the sort of Father the Lord is to me now. I feel His heart when I weep because it's just so tough and I'm just so ready to be done. I know that He wants to take my pain, but He won't because I need to get thru the rest of the process. He's knows better than I do right now that if I don't do this now, I will suffer later. He loves me enough to allow the perfecting of this season to be completed, EVEN THOUGH I don't really get why it has to be this way. Not really. Not completely. But just like the lessons I learned at 15 that I didn't understand then, but understand all too well now, I will come to understand all too well the lessons of this season in my spiritual life as well.
I was feeling like I had hit a wall, and I was purposely trying NOT to break thru that wall because 'to whom much is given, much is required.' And I'm not really feelin' that requirement. But as I walk in obedience to prepare this study and teach it, I'm finding that the only choice I have is to break thru that wall. Because on the other side is the bounty for which I've fought and worked. And more than that, the other side is where I will find the Lord in a fresh new way.
It is in the breaking thru that I will dive deeper and deeper into an infinite God. I will learn His heart and His love in a way that adversity will never teach. There is a level of relationship that is only born of walking in the responsibility of our calls. I haven't been real sure about truly embracing this new thing, but He's been working on that.
In a lot of ways, it seems that this place is HARDER than a season of adversity. Because here is where you want to say 'nope. I paid my dues. I've walked out all that hard stuff and I'm entitled to a break. I'm not doing anymore, at least not right now. Let somebody else do this part. I'mma rest for a bit and I'll hook up with u later.' That tempation is so real for me right now. But my Daddy is so good that He isn't allowing me to fall prey to that. He's giving me the grace to look at this next step and say 'Ok. We both know I'm not really feeling this. We both know I'm tired and not sure just how much more I can take, but I've come too far to quit now. If You've gotten me here, You'll get me the rest of the way - whatever that way is. So I'm gonna trust You. I'm gonna accept this responsibility, even as it overlaps the end of the adversity because there is work to do. Doesn't matter how I feel or if I understand. Only matters that YOU understand. Because in Your time I'll know all I need to know. So let's do this.'
Thru this whole teaching thing, He's making me dig deeper. He's revealing a new side of His character and of His heart. And He's teaching me more than I'll ever be able to teach anyone else.
Time for a new season of transformation, different than any I've experienced before.
His question to me, even as I type this is 'Will you surrender to Me again, or will you take your life back and follow your own ways.'
And as hard as it is, with tears threatening to fall, my answer is fully forming in my spirit, beginning to rest on my heart, almost ready to flow from my lips. 'Yes. Yes Lord. I will surrender to You again. I will choose Your way and not my own. I will follow You no matter what. I will walk in obedience to You now, just as I have before and I will trust You with my life. Your ways are not my ways, nor Your thoughts my thoughts, but Your love is perfect and Your way is best. So, yes Lord. I will follow You.'
And so I guesss a new phase of this journey has begun.
If He asked you the same question, how would you answer?
blessings, ya'll.
What I did not mention is that I am actually the one who is responsible for creating this study. And it has been an undertaking like nothing I've done before. I'm finding that by virtue of the position of 'teacher', I'm being held to a higher standard and to a much different level of accountability. It's pretty intense.
I've always been a 'teacher', but more in line with mentoring than actual teaching. And I've always taught things that are based on prior experience, never things that I know on the surface, but that I am learning on a deeper level, even as I teach others the same lessons.
This is a really strange place for me to be, because it is compounded by the great game of hurry-up-and-wait me and the Lord seem to be enjoyin' right now. He told me a few weeks ago that as trying as so much of what's happenin' around me is right now, it's all designed to draw me closer to Him. He wants me to know Him in a different way. In a way I've never known Him before.
I actually thought this study would be how He does that, and in some ways it is, but really what's bringing that to pass is that I'm having to change how I see Him as a whole. I have known His grace in so far as Him being a protector. I have known His favor in so far as the positions He's always allowed me to enjoy. I have known His friendship because He tells me lots and lots of stuff. I know Him as a Father because, well, it's how He makes the most sense to me.
Now, I am learning His grace because I am not perfect. And that imperfection allows me to recognize just how often He gives to me more than I could ever deserve on my own. I am coming to know His favor and His love beause He protects me. I am in a position of vulnerability and it leaves me uneasy, but every step of the way, He's keepin' me safe. I know His friendship differently because even though things are wierd right now and I'm all outta wack lots of the time, He sits with me. Lets me confide and vent and just get it all out. And then He tells me to get back up and keep on goin - just like I'd expect from a friend. And I know Him as a Father, because I have had the distinct impression that He hurts with me.
When I was a little girl, my dad used to cry if he had to discipline me or if I had to face something that was difficult. He would hurt because he knew I didn't understand it all just yet, but he knew that it had to be that way because I had to learn the lesson of the challenge. He knew that he could fix it, but he understood a much greater truth: fixing it would hurt me in the long run. But enduring it and standing under the pressure and the pain would build character and confidence in me, the likes of which I'd never know otherwise.
This is the sort of Father the Lord is to me now. I feel His heart when I weep because it's just so tough and I'm just so ready to be done. I know that He wants to take my pain, but He won't because I need to get thru the rest of the process. He's knows better than I do right now that if I don't do this now, I will suffer later. He loves me enough to allow the perfecting of this season to be completed, EVEN THOUGH I don't really get why it has to be this way. Not really. Not completely. But just like the lessons I learned at 15 that I didn't understand then, but understand all too well now, I will come to understand all too well the lessons of this season in my spiritual life as well.
I was feeling like I had hit a wall, and I was purposely trying NOT to break thru that wall because 'to whom much is given, much is required.' And I'm not really feelin' that requirement. But as I walk in obedience to prepare this study and teach it, I'm finding that the only choice I have is to break thru that wall. Because on the other side is the bounty for which I've fought and worked. And more than that, the other side is where I will find the Lord in a fresh new way.
It is in the breaking thru that I will dive deeper and deeper into an infinite God. I will learn His heart and His love in a way that adversity will never teach. There is a level of relationship that is only born of walking in the responsibility of our calls. I haven't been real sure about truly embracing this new thing, but He's been working on that.
In a lot of ways, it seems that this place is HARDER than a season of adversity. Because here is where you want to say 'nope. I paid my dues. I've walked out all that hard stuff and I'm entitled to a break. I'm not doing anymore, at least not right now. Let somebody else do this part. I'mma rest for a bit and I'll hook up with u later.' That tempation is so real for me right now. But my Daddy is so good that He isn't allowing me to fall prey to that. He's giving me the grace to look at this next step and say 'Ok. We both know I'm not really feeling this. We both know I'm tired and not sure just how much more I can take, but I've come too far to quit now. If You've gotten me here, You'll get me the rest of the way - whatever that way is. So I'm gonna trust You. I'm gonna accept this responsibility, even as it overlaps the end of the adversity because there is work to do. Doesn't matter how I feel or if I understand. Only matters that YOU understand. Because in Your time I'll know all I need to know. So let's do this.'
Thru this whole teaching thing, He's making me dig deeper. He's revealing a new side of His character and of His heart. And He's teaching me more than I'll ever be able to teach anyone else.
Time for a new season of transformation, different than any I've experienced before.
His question to me, even as I type this is 'Will you surrender to Me again, or will you take your life back and follow your own ways.'
And as hard as it is, with tears threatening to fall, my answer is fully forming in my spirit, beginning to rest on my heart, almost ready to flow from my lips. 'Yes. Yes Lord. I will surrender to You again. I will choose Your way and not my own. I will follow You no matter what. I will walk in obedience to You now, just as I have before and I will trust You with my life. Your ways are not my ways, nor Your thoughts my thoughts, but Your love is perfect and Your way is best. So, yes Lord. I will follow You.'
And so I guesss a new phase of this journey has begun.
If He asked you the same question, how would you answer?
blessings, ya'll.
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