Processing.... Muddling My Way...

So.One of my fortes has never been facing my feelings.

I tend to smush them.

It's one of the things God has broken in me over this last season in my life,and I'm guessing that right now all those lessons are being put to the test.

I'm having to learn how to face what I feel and still do what's right, rather than hide what I feel - even from me- in order to do what's right.

That's a tall order.

My first post. The way I used to handle stress was simply to not feel it. If something hurt, I just found a way to dull the pain - even for a little while. And sometimes for days on end, depending. Did my thing and kept it to myself. Nobody knew and I was able to go on.

Those years weren't that long ago, and apparently not long enough ago for my spirit to have forgotten how to make it stop  hurting, if just for a little while.

Today, for the first time in our association, my partner in crime told me no. Not because the option wasn't an appealing one, and not even because THEY'VE changed so much. But because they know me. They know my heart and they know that at the end of the day, I woudln't have been ok with it. Hurt or not. That's not who I am anymore. And I wouldn't have been ok with it. And then proceeded to be my friend, in truth. Gave good advice and offered a REAL suggestion as to how to relieve the stress and the hurt for a little while. Advice that I think I might follow. I gotta say, i'm impressed. And appreciative.

God's grace was real in that moment, because He had long ago told me that that was not a situation that I need to find myself in again, because I wouldn't be able to get out of it; that it would consume me if I ever opened that door. Today I knocked and was all but ready to dance my way thru it. And instead of being taken advantage of, I was cared for... My heart needed that moment...

I sat still, shocked at my own level of hurt - because I've never experienced anything close to this, other than death. And still, that's different than this. Death has never felt like betrayal. And I have a serious aversion to that word in theory AND in reality.

I was sitting and trying to pray. Trying to repent. Frustrated because my heart just felt so hard. Felt like a shell was being lain over it, to keep me from caring or feeling the impact of trying to kill the ache that's kept me restless for the last few days... avoiding people because the ones i'm close to know when i'm not right. And i'm just not ready to talk to them. Hoping that H will just stay away from me because I dont wanna talk to him right now, much less look at him. Staying away from my family at all costs, because my daddy is like super sleuth and he knows me waaaaaaay too well.  All this is in my heart as I'm trying to repent. And I finally just had to say 'Lord I dont want my heart to be hard. I just dont want to hurt this way. I just want to make it go away.'

Then I felt it. I felt the thawing begin.The last few days have been earnest tears, off and on. Not so much Saturday. Too busy to cry. But last night, I felt a need to just be with God. And the flood came. And in those tears He spoke.

"Last year you stood under tremendous pressure. This was not revealed then because it would have overwhelmed your already hurting heart. You would not have been able to stand. There is healing in your tears. Your heart is overwhelmed with pain and anger. I am allowing you to deal with your pain slowly; your heart is being strengthened even now. I have not allowed you to feel your anger because it is too great. You would not obey, were you to feel fully the depth of that emotion. It will be dealt with, a little at a time. You will be able to say the things in your heart to H, but not yet. It is not time. He cannot handle that. You will not be shamed in this. There is no more breaking for you. I know how deeply you are hurting. I know what this has cost you. I will take nothing else from you. This will not be required of you. I know you doubt his heart. You both need this. You need to see Me do this for you. You need to see Me keep My word in this way to you. You have it in you to do what I have asked of you. Your relationship with... blahblahblahblah... will be that of ... blahblahblahblah... I will not take the privilege from you of .... blahblahblahblahblah.... together. This will last no longer than is necessary for Me to show H the truth. Your faith has driven him away but the truth of his choices will drive him back. It is almost over. Allow him to fix it. Allow him to return. Do not make it hard. Do not punish him. He needs your grace.'

And as I sat this morning asking Him to soften my heart, He let the anger surface. Not much. Just a little. And He's right (like He could be wrong). It's strong. My mind opened and looked at the whole picture. The more I realized the depth of the effect of this on us, even before HE knew what was true of it all, the madder I got. Because it now all makes sense. All that crap I couldn't understand. And my hostility toward most of the players in this because of an intangible knowledge deep inside. It all makes sense.

I'm pissed. Livid. Furious that I'm hurt. Furious that he gets another chance, after all the other chances. Furious that  even when this is all done I can't banish the Intruders to the bottoms of the backside of the earth. I am stuck with ALL these people for the rest of my life. Even madder that I have to learn to love them. Madder still that I have to take on a new responsibility that I didnt want to start with, EVEN BEFORE THIS CAME - and that I certainly dont' now.

And even madder that I'm just foolish enough to be obedient and do all this stuff.

I mean really. Why the heck does everybody else get a pass to be human and to have had enough? When do I get that privilege? Why isn't THIS the last straw? Beacuse I love him? I'll get over it.

Why isn't this the place where God says 'you know what. this is enough. I wont ask you to endure anymore.'? Why won't He just release me from this? Why don't I just get to be done?

I mean. If I have to grieve this relationship, why not just let me walk away? Then at least I'm grieving it and can put it behind me. Instead of grieving it, only to have to STAY in it.

'There will be no shame for you in this. Hmm.. Drug detox I gotta say, i'm not really buying that. Use detox drug kits. Not unless He's gon' strike everybody blind and dumb. Otherwise, the truth is there for all to see. Live and in color. Because really. What the hell are we gonna do to hide it, frame it and call it WALL ART?

BLAH. Here comes that wall again.

And that's probably a good thing...