What If....

One of the biggest things that rambles thru  my mind in all this is: what if H doesn't choose to come back? What if, in spite of what I know God has told me, H chooses to live with ... what he's living with...?

I mean... Would I date again? Would I eventually get married? Would I have kids? Would I love another man limitlessly?

These are the questions that linger... because, as much as I want to be loved and all that, I just seriously dont have any intention of going down this road ever again.

I know some people who fall in love and who fall out of love, but who want love so bad that they'll keep goin til they get it right.

Me? Not so much. There has to be a very literal, very clear sign that God means that man to stay. Which is why I've been in love only this one time. And why I've been seriously hurt - like as in, taking me many many months to get over kinda hurt - only one other time.

So. My question of myself is: would I do it again.

And my answer is a resounding NO. Not on purpose. Not intentionally. Not unless God did it and I just didnt know at all what was up.

Cuz this thing of giving your heart away all for the sake of having some company, someone to come home to, someone to share with and all that? It's overrated. And doing it more than once is not on my agenda.

Not because I dont think love is worth it. But seriously... Honestly... the level of commitment this is and the level of personal processing and breaking it has brought and is still bringing to me... those two things leave me extremely clear that doing it more than once is not something I want. Because I believe that God has to do something significant in hearts when two people do this becoming one thing. And I believe He meant it to last until death for a reason.

If this doesn't work, I would never in my life, of my own volition, commit to another man limitless love. Because I am CRYSTAL CLEAR what that means.

I know I know...where's it comin' from, right?

Well. Last night, against my own inclinations to the contrary, I went out.Good bad or otherwise, it is what it is. I went. And I hated every waking minute. My auntie was all 'it'll be good for you.. you need to live your life.. God might have something different than you think and He just hasn't told you yet... blahblahblah' ... so I went. And it was a HOT MESS.

This thing of meeting a man's representative, having to constantly correct forwardness, having to try and dig up who he is on the inside and all that.This thing of that kinda learning... It's overrated and I'm past the point of having interest in doing it.

It just wasn't right... too much explaining. too little conversation. no sense of ambition or direction. no sense of drive or of any sort of energy that invited me into something more than just grabbin my keys and gettin' the heck outta dodge. Tpo willing to settle for a nice comfortable life with a nice girl... I dont want a man to settle. I want a man to want more than just comfort. I want him to want to LIVE...

I was home two hours after I left.

Cuz really, for all Sweetheart's flaws and all of what we have goin on right now, there is a passion and a fire and a love of life that is intoxicating and envigorating and alluring. It spills over and it makes me want to never be without it or him.

All last night taught me is that I love my man and that my heart is totally unavailable for anyone else. And it also showed me that there ARE some things about him that I can't get anywhere or from anyone else.

So. I stand by what I said. I'm only doin this once in life. If God releases me TOMORROW, I'm cool. I will get a new puppy to go with the one I have already and the three of us will live life... Dogs make great friends and great company.

I'm ok with that.

I'm REALLY ok with that...