Love is so complicated. But then, really it's not. It just is what it is. And in love, there is sometimes pain. Whoever said love does not hurt LIED. Because love, in our finiteness, is imperfect at best. We are people, and however well meaning, we are going to hurt somebody that we love, at some point. The key to all that is understanding that love does not change because hurt enters the equation.
All this comes because of a text I received last night. It is too personal to post, but I'll skim the surface. A comment was made some time ago, by someone I love, to someone else whom I also love. The comment was spoken in truth, and with no disrespect intended. I, in fact, agree with the comment. And am the one who initially said it. I come from a parentage that holds fast to the philosophy feelings-be-damned. And that works out fine until the feelings that are not considered are YOUR OWN. This instance would be one such situation.
These words have lingered and in the text that was sent to me, they surfaced. There is hurt behind the perception that my view of my loved one's disposition is less than favorable. And frankly, oftentimes it is. HOWEVER, the fact remains that I love this person deeply. More deeply than I believe he realizes.
I see the hurt, the pain, the fear, the realization that we are not in right relationship, the doubt that we will be before the time for it has passed us by, the desire to be restored in spirit. And the deepest of loves. I see all that.
Because I am his mirror.
Not so long ago, he told me: I just want you to be alright with me.
What he does not know, what he has not realized: I just want him to be alright with me.
Maybe I expected him to be superman. Because he always has been. Maybe I didn't consider how that statement would be received. Because he is the first to admit it is the truth. Maybe there are some things that I haven't made my peace with yet. Because he won't just recognize that, in the simplest of ways, all this can be lain to rest.
But none of these things changes the depth of the love I hold for him.
All these mixed feelings. All the things buried under hurt and frustration. All this peace-making. All this self-protecting.
Who really wins? What do we really gain?
We work so hard to be in control - of our environment, of our people, of our circumstances and situations. And often times, we succeed. But, in exchange for control,we lose something so precious.
We lose the freedom to just love eachother. To experience eachothers' truths and to embrace all the imperfection and uncertainty, just because it is part of those whom we love. We all lose.
I'm not sure of much right now, but I am sure of this: I want us to have no regrets. I want it to be evident between us, the love that abides so deeply within us for eachother. Because, however flawed we both may be, the one truth that exists between us is that we are love in eachother's eyes. And it is the only truth that matters.
Pride, ego, rightness, I told you so, you owe me, you hurt me. Why won't you do this? Why won't you do that?All I want is... If you would only... I only want what's best... None of that is worth a pile of regrets when it's all said and done. None of that is worth remaining at odds.
I have been working through a whole lot of feelings about some things related to some stuff, and while I cannot say that I will welcome certain things into my life - while I am unwilling to stick my head in the sand - I CAN say that I am willing to love, however imperfectly it may be. However clumsy. And even if it means I overlook the hurt, in order to embrace the truth. Because that truth is love.
I am him. And he is me. We both found life in eachother and that outweighs anything else.
I haven't been guilty of judging him. I haven't been unduly critical. But I have withheld my heart. I have been remiss in my responsibilty to accept the flaws along with the greatness. And that would make me and him one in the same.
I can live with swallowing my pride; I cannot live with regrets.
So, to that end: To my person: You are alright with me.
I have felt deep forgiveness for you one other time in my life. It was the moment I decided that I had to forgive you so that I could learn to live.
I give you that same forgiveness again now. Because it is in this moment that I am deciding that I must walk in what I have learned. It was in that moment last night when I sat and held on to Granny's bear that I realized that to leave things as they are would be to face a mountain of regret.
I am unwilling to live with that.
So. You are alright with me. Whatever has happened, whatever is happening. You are alright with me.
It will read:
"She said her mother was an angel, but her father... he has been her He-Man for a long time."
No regrets.
Treasure
All this comes because of a text I received last night. It is too personal to post, but I'll skim the surface. A comment was made some time ago, by someone I love, to someone else whom I also love. The comment was spoken in truth, and with no disrespect intended. I, in fact, agree with the comment. And am the one who initially said it. I come from a parentage that holds fast to the philosophy feelings-be-damned. And that works out fine until the feelings that are not considered are YOUR OWN. This instance would be one such situation.
These words have lingered and in the text that was sent to me, they surfaced. There is hurt behind the perception that my view of my loved one's disposition is less than favorable. And frankly, oftentimes it is. HOWEVER, the fact remains that I love this person deeply. More deeply than I believe he realizes.
I see the hurt, the pain, the fear, the realization that we are not in right relationship, the doubt that we will be before the time for it has passed us by, the desire to be restored in spirit. And the deepest of loves. I see all that.
Because I am his mirror.
Not so long ago, he told me: I just want you to be alright with me.
What he does not know, what he has not realized: I just want him to be alright with me.
Maybe I expected him to be superman. Because he always has been. Maybe I didn't consider how that statement would be received. Because he is the first to admit it is the truth. Maybe there are some things that I haven't made my peace with yet. Because he won't just recognize that, in the simplest of ways, all this can be lain to rest.
But none of these things changes the depth of the love I hold for him.
All these mixed feelings. All the things buried under hurt and frustration. All this peace-making. All this self-protecting.
Who really wins? What do we really gain?
We work so hard to be in control - of our environment, of our people, of our circumstances and situations. And often times, we succeed. But, in exchange for control,we lose something so precious.
We lose the freedom to just love eachother. To experience eachothers' truths and to embrace all the imperfection and uncertainty, just because it is part of those whom we love. We all lose.
I'm not sure of much right now, but I am sure of this: I want us to have no regrets. I want it to be evident between us, the love that abides so deeply within us for eachother. Because, however flawed we both may be, the one truth that exists between us is that we are love in eachother's eyes. And it is the only truth that matters.
Pride, ego, rightness, I told you so, you owe me, you hurt me. Why won't you do this? Why won't you do that?All I want is... If you would only... I only want what's best... None of that is worth a pile of regrets when it's all said and done. None of that is worth remaining at odds.
I have been working through a whole lot of feelings about some things related to some stuff, and while I cannot say that I will welcome certain things into my life - while I am unwilling to stick my head in the sand - I CAN say that I am willing to love, however imperfectly it may be. However clumsy. And even if it means I overlook the hurt, in order to embrace the truth. Because that truth is love.
I am him. And he is me. We both found life in eachother and that outweighs anything else.
I haven't been guilty of judging him. I haven't been unduly critical. But I have withheld my heart. I have been remiss in my responsibilty to accept the flaws along with the greatness. And that would make me and him one in the same.
I can live with swallowing my pride; I cannot live with regrets.
So, to that end: To my person: You are alright with me.
I have felt deep forgiveness for you one other time in my life. It was the moment I decided that I had to forgive you so that I could learn to live.
I give you that same forgiveness again now. Because it is in this moment that I am deciding that I must walk in what I have learned. It was in that moment last night when I sat and held on to Granny's bear that I realized that to leave things as they are would be to face a mountain of regret.
I am unwilling to live with that.
So. You are alright with me. Whatever has happened, whatever is happening. You are alright with me.
It will read:
"She said her mother was an angel, but her father... he has been her He-Man for a long time."
No regrets.
Treasure
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