I didnt' sleep last night. Not at all.
2 a.m. .... can i just please go to sleep?
3 a.m. ... God, do you wanna talk to me? Why won't You just speak? Please if You wont' speak, can I just go to sleep?
4 a.m. ... My face hurts. My mouth is on fire. I'm tired... can I not even rest?
Followed by tears. Sobs. Hoping no one wakes up to hear me. Because that's all I got.
Lord. Do you want me to pray? What am I supposed to ask? I dont know what to ask... I just wanna go to sleep.
I lay down. ball up around a pillow. And I sense the spiritual presence behind me. Know instinctively that satan has sent his representative to assault me.
Lord, I can't do this tonight. I'm surrounded by the enemy. Please dont let him kill me. My back is to the water and unless You part the sea, I'm gonna be overtaken. My heart is weary. My arms are weak. My foot is slipping. My spirit is broken. I can't do this anymore. Unless You move, I'm gonna drown. Please God... Please God...
Somewhere in all that, I fell asleep.
Woke up this morning feeling like there's still more to be revealed. Not sure what. Not really into the day. Grateful that at least there was a shift in the atmosphere between last night and this morning.
Get up. Shower. Dress. Check e-mail. Decide I want to listen to some music.
Just me and iTunes.
He Saw The Best In Me.
And all I can think is, I need to see the best in him. Lord help me to see the best in him.
The verse: He is mine. I am his. It doesn't matter what I did. Cuz He only sees me for who I am.
Repeats over and over and over.
And all I hear is: He is mine, I am his. It doesn't matter what he's done. Cuz I need to see him for who he is.
Lord, months ago You told me that he needs me to believe in him. I said to you, I believe in You, Lord, but how can i believe in Him? I don't know how to do that.
This morning. I know that I need to believe in him. I have to be able to believe in him. If I cannot believe in him, however can we stand?
'See him as I see him, Rosheeda. I see in full. You only see in part. There is more than what you see. All you can see is what you see. But there is more. See him with My heart.'
Lord, I want to believe in him. I need to believe in him....
A couple conversations from the weekend have rattled in my head for days now. Finally, God speaks to them...
'I took you as my bride even when I knew that you weren't ready to give me your life. I loved you long before you loved Me. I gave you My all. I gave you My best because I saw in you what you couldn't see in yourself. Taking you into Myself, calling you My own had nothing to do with your rightness or wrongness. It had everything to do with who I knew you were, even then.'
Lord. You loved me when I wasn't loveable. You loved me with no condemnation and no judgement. You paid for me. You gave everything You had for me. Because You found me worthy even though I didn't.... God. I dont have a right to judge him. I dont have a right to condemn him. Even though he's hurt me. Even though I feel this pain at his hands. I dont have a right to condemn him. Because You have never condemned me. You loved me. Christ didn't want to sacrifice his life for me. But he trusted YOU and he did as You asked. He didn't trust ME to honor his sacrifice. He trusted YOU to make the sacrifice worth while. He trusted YOU to redeem his life - because he gave his all for me. I don't have a right to judge him Lord...
'Rosheeda, I need you to be Christ to him. I need him to see My love in your sacrifice.'
'Lead him to freedom.'
Lord I wish I could say to You that You're God and I'm not. You gave Your all to me, but You had the advantage of knowing the outcome. But I can't say that. You've told me the outcome. Christ had to trust YOU to redeem the sacrifice; he didn't want to either, but You had also given him the grace of knowing the outcome. What You said had to live in his heart. He had to believe You even though he couldn't see the wisdom in the choice. So... I know the outcome....
Lord, Christ took my shame as his own. He took my failure upon himself and he paid for me. I dont have a right to judge. I dont have a right to condemn. I dont have a right to turn away.
Christ-likeness. Identity in Christ. Crucified with Christ... is that what this is? Is that how this looks?
My family Lord...
My daddy's words come back to me... 'You love that young man. You have for a long time. I owe you an apology. I've never taught you that it's ok to believe in a man. There's nothing wrong with believing in him. It's ok that you love him, that you believe in him. I should've taught you that.'
'It's ok to believe in him. It isn't wrong that you see his potential. That you see who he is outside his failure. Allow yourself to believe in him.'
And all I can think is 'Momma believed in Daddy. She chose to believe. She chose to obey.'
'Who you believe he is, is who he will become. He will live up (or down) to your expecations of him. Believe Me. Believe in him. Believe in who I've destined him to be - even though what you see doesn't seem to match. I see what you cannot. I know what you do not. You may not be able to trust him right now. But you can trust Me.'
'Your heart is precious to Me. I will protect it. I will not allow you to hurt this way ever again.'
Someone said to me, God won't force you to do what you dont' want to do.
But...God asks of us often to do what we dont want to do, doesn't He? Isn't most everything He asks of us something we don't want to do, because it goes against what is natural and instinctive?...
Lord, am I missing it here? Do I have the option of not doing this?
'You have the option. But you will do what I ask of you. I will not force. I cannot force I do not force. I ask. Your heart is soft enough for Me that you will do as I ask. Faith leads you to submit to My request.'
Hosea. God, did Hosea WANT to marry Gomer? Did he love her? Would You have asked him to take her as his wife if he did not desire that with her? Did love come first, did he want her,truly? Or did he act out of obedience and faith?
2 When the LORD began to speak through Hosea, the LORD said to him, "Go, take to yourself an adulterous wife and children of unfaithfulness...3 So he married Gomer daughter of Diblaim...
Well... i guess that's my answer. Doesn't say what Hosea wanted. Doesn't address how he felt. Doesn't allude at all to where his heart was. All scripture says is that God said so. And Hosea obeyed.
Alright... I believe You Lord.
I believe You.
My arms are weak. My foot is slipping. I need to see You... Please....
*trying to get back up and keep going; trying to hold on to His Voice and His Word. Choosing to believe that His word will live and be proven true for me like it did and was for Hosea.*
I'm choosing Your way Lord.... I'm choosing You....