Saturday, July 9, 2011

I Wondered...

when I'd really get angry about all this foolishness.

Last night I found out.

So we're having this conversation. He brings up this current situation. So I say honestly what I feel. And then he wants to start trynna put his paw all down. LIKE I BROUGHT THIS FOOLISHNESS INTO OUR LIVES.

So not a good move on his part. Not at all.

*be warned. this is a rant. i know what's right. I know what God says. But i need to get these words outta my head before they lead me to act like myself instead of trying to act like Christ.*

We've dealt with this same thing, to varying degrees for a long time. And now, because he gets his feelings bruised he makes an impulsive decision with serious far-reaching consequences. Instead of honoring my rights, I'm trynna honor God's will for us in this. And instead of him appreciating the support - and acknowledging that what he's really due is a whippin' - he comes at me like he's ENTITLED to my understanding.

OH BUT FOR JESUS. And I'm so serious about that statement. OH BUT FOR JESUS.

I know he's hurt. I know he's frustrated. I know he's tired. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

NEWSFLASH: WE'VE BEEN DOIN THIS TOGETHER. Which would mean that, last I checked, you are not hurt tired or frustrated alone. Not even a little bit.

Yet and still you are the only part of this dynamic duo that should freely speak his piece?! Nah, bro. Wrong answer. You might wanna try again. Because this road - the road where I am silent and I am expected to accept foolishness as righteousness?! That is NOT the road I'm travelin'. And by now,he should really know this. I grew up that way and it took me a long time to put that mess aside and find myself and a voice that was balanced and confident. I flatly refuse to repeat that cycle. On any level.

And I'm not sayin that silence isn't golden sometimes. Because it surely is. But when you make a choice that affects my life - my future, it is NOT the time for me to shut up so you can feel like a man. GET OVER IT. Cuz surely, you should not expect that you are free to indulge your bruised ego, at the cost of my well-being.

I know this seems like a bash. But it isn't. My anger does nothing to lessen my love. If i didn't love him, i wouldn't care at all what he did. But I do, and more than it not being good for me, it is most definitely not good for him.

I'm just sayin'. If I gotta take a big-girl pill and walk this out with God's heart for all the folks involved in this ridiculousness, then most certainly I should be able to expect him to do the same - especially since it is HIS choice that has us in this place.

yeah yeah yeah. I know that love doesn't love only when it's honored. i got all that. but it doesn't change a thing about how i feel right now.

At this moment i'm angry and over it. At this immediate moment, i'm good to wash my hands and walk away and let him fix this foolishness on his own - if he can.

Or, at least i WOULD BE ok with it.

Except for that pesky thing of trying to really be truly obedient to this commitment God asked me to make a long time ago.

So. I'm gonna keep walkin. and I'm gonna keep processing this. And giving it to God. Because if not, he is oh so OUTTA HERE.

*grace Rosheeda.Remember grace.*

*repeating over and over to myself: grace. grace. grace.*

On the off chance that anyone wants to advise me, I'm closing comments for this post. Cuz while I appreciate all the insight, I'm not searching for an answer. God's given me that. I just need a safe place to be emotionally honest.

It's not about my feelings. It's about my victory.

I know that.

But the feelings are still there and ignoring them wont do us any good.

later.

*p.s. dont be surprised if i come back Monday with something totally not angry and all full of God's p.o.v. - Remember in my last post I openly admitted to being a bit bi-polar in my response to all this.

bye ya'll.
ro

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