It's been almost two months since I posted, and even longer since I've posted anything of consequence.
2009... the year is almost over. I'm not sure how I'd categorize this year end, except to say that almost two years to the day, we had opportunity for a re-do.
And while the situation didn't end in nearly such a volatile way, I'm struggling to be okay with the way things are right now.
Apologies given on my behalf that are not at all justified and hardly warranted. Conversations relayed and the most vital parts excluded. Chastised for being unwilling to bear the responsibility of someone else's pride and what-not. Fault-finding where there really IS no fault, except that what bothers you is not really true cause to BE bothered...
I just don't know how to be ok with that.
Sadness permeates my spirit. I long to see God open up the windows of heaven and reveal to the rest of the masses publicly what He has long revealed to me privately.
I long for the rest and the peace of promises fulfilled and vindication made obvious.
We don't live in a perfect world, among perfect people. Nor are we perfect ourselves. And most often situations are not optimal on at least one side of the fence. But that knowledge doesn't lessen this pain... Not at all...
But then a friend reminds me: we are privileged to share in the sufferings of Christ. Because it teaches us to truly appreciate the Blessor and the blessing in the way that most honors His heart toward us.
In some ways, this is a comfort. In many ways, I'm still trying to navigate this...
Wish things were mended. Wish they weren't awkward. Wish it just didn't hurt so bad.
Ecclesiastes 5 says that the end of a thing is better than its beginning and that sadness is better than laughter because it does a refining work in our spirits. And oddly enough, this is comfort for me. Deep comfort. Because it acknowledges that sadness is part of this journey. That it is ok to feel it, to acknowledge it, and to accept it as simply par for the course.
I feel absolved of the need to put on a good face, when the only face I have inside is a somber one... I feel free to not be 'ok'... It is utter relief that I don't have to fight this tidal wave of tears. That I can indulge them, because they have a purpose and a place in the transformation God is working in my heart.
Somehow this is a tremendous comfort to me...
2009... began with tears
and is ending the same
And that's really alright. Because it all has it's place in the process of deeper intimacy with Christ.
It's really alright...
See ya'll in the new year. Have a great Christmas and a wonderful New Year.
ro
2009... the year is almost over. I'm not sure how I'd categorize this year end, except to say that almost two years to the day, we had opportunity for a re-do.
And while the situation didn't end in nearly such a volatile way, I'm struggling to be okay with the way things are right now.
Apologies given on my behalf that are not at all justified and hardly warranted. Conversations relayed and the most vital parts excluded. Chastised for being unwilling to bear the responsibility of someone else's pride and what-not. Fault-finding where there really IS no fault, except that what bothers you is not really true cause to BE bothered...
I just don't know how to be ok with that.
Sadness permeates my spirit. I long to see God open up the windows of heaven and reveal to the rest of the masses publicly what He has long revealed to me privately.
I long for the rest and the peace of promises fulfilled and vindication made obvious.
We don't live in a perfect world, among perfect people. Nor are we perfect ourselves. And most often situations are not optimal on at least one side of the fence. But that knowledge doesn't lessen this pain... Not at all...
But then a friend reminds me: we are privileged to share in the sufferings of Christ. Because it teaches us to truly appreciate the Blessor and the blessing in the way that most honors His heart toward us.
In some ways, this is a comfort. In many ways, I'm still trying to navigate this...
Wish things were mended. Wish they weren't awkward. Wish it just didn't hurt so bad.
Ecclesiastes 5 says that the end of a thing is better than its beginning and that sadness is better than laughter because it does a refining work in our spirits. And oddly enough, this is comfort for me. Deep comfort. Because it acknowledges that sadness is part of this journey. That it is ok to feel it, to acknowledge it, and to accept it as simply par for the course.
I feel absolved of the need to put on a good face, when the only face I have inside is a somber one... I feel free to not be 'ok'... It is utter relief that I don't have to fight this tidal wave of tears. That I can indulge them, because they have a purpose and a place in the transformation God is working in my heart.
Somehow this is a tremendous comfort to me...
2009... began with tears
and is ending the same
And that's really alright. Because it all has it's place in the process of deeper intimacy with Christ.
It's really alright...
See ya'll in the new year. Have a great Christmas and a wonderful New Year.
ro
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