Bible Study.
One In A Million.
Out of two million Israelites that were freed from Egypt, only 2 made it to the promised land. One in a million.
I want to be one of the two. And no matter how badly it hurts, I want H to be the other one.
Promised Land living. Abundant life. That's God's promise and I want it more than I want to not ache inside. I want it for H more than I want to be done w/all this.
Week 5 was all about breaking barriers. Movin beyond the place where you get stuck. Kadesh Barnea being a place of wandering because the people got complacent and the promised land started not to look worth it to them. Cost too much. Too much work. Hurt too bad. Whatever the reason, they found themselves stuck. Not sure about moving on and really not positive that following God that far was a great idea.
Day 5 of week 5. We talk about grieving. How it's ok to mourn the loss. That grief is a part of any loss. How sacrificing bring about grief because well... it hurts. And the point ws made that we have to choose to put grief aside and move forward. To linger in a place where you keep indulging pain is to find yourself sabotaging your own ability to move forward and enjoy Canaan.
One thing I underlined from the week is this: God's gifts require lifestyle modifications to handle,enjoy, and fully appreciate them.
That statement brought two things to mind: (1) This is a gift. No matter how painful it is in the moment. There is definitely goodness underneath the trash choices that we face. (2) My attitude needs to adjust in order to take the right view of things.
God doesn't make mistakes. He doesn't fail. What He does is never wrong and what He allows is never to destroy us.
It is not God who is wrong in this. It is me.
And before I can see with God's eyes, I need to allow myself to take stock of things with a heart that accepts that even in the most painful set of circumstances I can personally recall to date, God loves me and is working for my good - for our good.
It is not God who doesn't understand this thing. It's me. And I'll never understand if I don't let myself trust my God.
One thing I have known is that God is sovereign. Totally in control. My question has never been 'if'. It's been 'how long'. I am not prepared to say that I'm willing to do this thing indefinitely. But I AM willing to believe God that this will not end in destruction for me on any level.
I've spent the last few months camped out at the Mountain of God. He has moved me finally to Kadesh Barnea. The edge of Canaan. The very brink of the Promised Land. And the struggle is that I can clearly count the cost....
The instruction a few years ago to go back to our relationship, understanding that I was making a commitment to God to honor us no matter what came, that was easier to make. I mean I knew there was mess. But I also didn't know enough to REALLY know what that kinda commitment meant. But now. I know full well that walking into Canaan w/him comes at a price. A big one. A painful one. And one that has some tremendous fall-out....
So... I'm counting the cost. And I've learned a few things here. (1) I'm strong enough to face whatever comes. God has trained me for this. He has prepared me to stand up and take my life and walk in the fullness of the deep work He's done in me. I can give myself a break. I haven't done this perfectly but I've done it. I'm doing it. No matter what. I'm doing it. (2) My feelings matter. It's ok to feel. It's ok to let my emotions surface. And facing them will not kill me, nor will it keep me from doing what's right - not unless I CHOOSE to allow it to do that. Feelings have their place and they need to be handled like the tool for growth that they are meant to be. (3) There may be some humiliation in following God. There may be some persecution and some crucifixion. But there is no shame. There is no reason to feel the feelings that come with having made a bad choice that you know will end up in calamity or end up proving something negative to be true about who you really are. I have followed God. And there is persecution to come. Crucifixion. My family is gonna be RIDICULOUS. And his will be as obnoxious as always. But there is absolutely no shame that I need to feel because I choose to honor God and love H.
And probably the most valuable thing I've learned is this: Love is never a wrong choice. It wins. I'm watching it win. It comes at a cost - I believe that's true for every couple. But it doesn't fail. Not when it's God's thing. And me and H. We're God's thing. The only option is that we win. However imperfect we are at this, what God has put in us has to learn to live. It's learning. Slowly but surely. It's painful and it's difficult and I just wanna hide from all this challenge. But love is learning to live and to thrive. I see it in him. I sense it even in the middle of foolishness in us both. Nobody's willing to walk away. Nobody's willing to give up. Love is winning.
God spoke to me on Monday: "Take his hand and walk into Canaan."
It's time.
Abba has given me the grace of validating my feelings. He has acknowledged that my sacrifice is a real and as costly as I perceive it to be. He has said to me very candidly that the fear I have of the fallout of it all is more than right - but that I can trust Him to deal with the judges and persecutors, that He is bigger than them. He has said to me that He understands my pain. That He sees it and that He isn't letting me ache this way in vain. That I'm not wasting my time or throwing my life away by allowing Him to have His way in us.
I needed that. I'm conditioned to DO in spite of what I feel. But this has been a place where I needed to know that what I feel matters to God. I needed that validation of my heart. I cannot describe how much I needed that.
In the last few days, God has given me comfort in offering to my weak spirit that acknowledgement that what this has done to me matters to Him. I just needed to know that it matters.
So. It's time. Time to take my man's hand and walk into the Promised Land.
Grieving is important. But it also needs to end. And just like all else, we choose to stop grieving. We choose to put away the feelings and the indulgences of grief and to begin to learn to live again, with a new normal and a new mindset. We choose to embrace the new reality before us and to find the things of beauty in a place that is foreign. Eventually the emotion will catch up with the choice to live. But we have to choose to give up grief if we want to breathe again....
I want to breathe again. And I want to do it with H. I'm hurt. I'm angry. I'm broken. And I'm sad about it. And that's ok.
But I need to breathe again. I need to allow my heart to take a deep breath and to see what my God sees. I need a fresh vision and a new perspective. I need to learn to live the new normal and I need to embrace the parts of this new reality that are full of beauty and hidden treasure.
It's time to put my grief away and my apprehension. Time to stop mourning the death of my own wants and expecations and to embrace the fullness of the Glory of God in the sacrifice.
I've obeyed. Now I need to believe. My heart needs to be allowed to believe, if it will ever be able to recover and to live.
I want life for us. I want the Promised Land. The cost is high. But to not follow God will cost more. Of that I'm sure.
I'm not sayin' I wont struggle. I'm not sayin' there's not healing yet to be done. I'm just saying I'm puttin' my mourning clothes away.
I'm gonna take him by the hand, and however difficult this may be, I'm gonna lay aside my grief and go get my milk & honey.
Joshua and Caleb made it because they believed God enough to obey and keep going.
I want to make it. I want him to make it.
I want us each to be that One In A Million....
No comments:
Post a Comment