Thursday, June 2, 2011

Daring to Love

My man is just amazing.

I've watched him over the last 18 months grow in ways that I so wanted but didn't expect.

Then it felt like we took two giant steps backwards at the first of the year. And I was at my breaking point. Not speaking. Not respecting. Not cherishing. Not gracious. Not forgiving. Not much of anything God called me to be.

Just mean and mad.

And then God challenged me to learn to love His way.

I was NOT a happy camper. Not even a little bit. Because our problems? They were not due to my bad attitude. Not at all. They were due to HIS bad decisions. My attitude didn't help, but it surely didn't start it and I really felt like I had every reason to be HOT and to show it for once in our lives.

God said otherwise. He was gentle, but firm in His requirements. Absolutely unwavering. Everyting I watched was love - loving even when you are the one being hurt. Loving simnply because He says so.

Then I watched Fireproof, finally. And was ready to just gag.

And then the Lord says, do the Love Dare.

I was not thrilled, but I was willing to obey because we were falling apart and I needed a way to regain my footing. I needed to see God do somethin' in us - in me.

Day 1. Not bad. Day 2. ok. Day 3. NOT EVEN.

I was unhappy. Seriously unhappy. And the emotional dam I seem to always have went ahead and broke. And then I broke.

Day 4. ok. Day 5. Then it got tough. But this time instead of getting mad, I got to the business of praying and being obedient. And listening.

And then it dawned on me. I was not the only one hurting. Maybe the hurt he was feeling had been tied to circumstances of his own making, but the fact is that whether or not he EARNED his hurt feelings because of his behavior, my responsiblity to love him did not change.

Doesn't matter that I was good and tired. Doesn't matter that the things that he felt were negatives on my part were, in large part, a result of some things that seriously needed attention on his part.

None of that mattered.

Because love always endures. Always hopes. Never fails.

Love is not a option or a feeling I was given. It is an instruction we are ALL given. And even beyond an instruction, it is a gift. One we receive when we accept Christ - and as such, one we are called to give to eachother because He gave it to us.

How absolutely humbling.

And as I looked into my king's face that day - day 5 of the Love Dare - it was so absolutely painful to me that I had failed to give him what has been so freely given to me...

But from that day, things started to change. The Love Dare was no longer just because God said I had to; it became a willing endeavor, because I never want to be the cause of his pain in that way again. I never want him to not feel like his heart is safe with me.

I have been amazed. That small concession to actively engage has reaped gigantic rewards. Trust is real between us. Real trust. Not just trusting him to be faithful or trusting him to tell me the truth, but trusting eachother with the hard stuff. The stuff that's deep down inside that you just don't think u really want to share. But somehow you figure out you do. And we've finally gotten here.

Really beautiful.

We really have come a long way from Day 1 - he and I both. Tolday is Day 37 and I wouldn't have traded these last few weeks for anything.

The Love Dare is a good thing.

A good thing indeed.

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