Prayer Requests... From You to Me

So.

If you know me kinda well, you probably know that I'm a pray-er.

Most times I pray only as someone comes to my heart. But I know that prayer is a ministry that I need to cultivate, beginning now.

My heart is heavy for God's people. This is a new step for me. This level of bold is, well, BOLD. But I've gotta be obedient to the instruction.

If I can pray for you, let me know. I won't ask that you post in the comments unless you are comfortable, but please. Email me if you have a request. I will pray with you until you get an answer.

Noone will have access to what you give to me. I will do with it only as the Father leads. I won't speak it or share it w/anyone. No matter what.

Check the sidebar for the email address you can send your requests to. I will check it at least once per day and will pray for you and yours like I pray for my own - because you really are family to me.

I love you guys, and I'm humbled and really, truly honored to be called to pray with and for you.

You are also free to give the email addy in the sidebar to anyone you know who would want prayer.

Please know that this is only because the Lord has instructed me to do so. And that I don't seek to exalt myself. This is humbling for me and I don't take this lightly. I will honor your trust, and I will honor the Lord...

Lord,
As I obey this instruction, please touch the hearts of those that You would have to share themselves with me this way. Please guard my tongue as I intercede on behalf of Your children. Not my words. Not my thoughts. Not my will. Only Your Will. Only as You command. I am humbled and I feel unworthy, but Father I am willing. Obedience is better than sacrifice.Take this obedient and use it to impact the nations. Take this one act of service and build Your ministry in Your Daughter's heart and the hearts of Your People. Establish the work of my hands, Master. I am Your servant. A slave to Your will and for Your glory.

I seek to honor You alone.

In Christs' precious name, I pray. Amen.

Rosheeda

Inside Out

I have spent some real time this week praying and just hangin out with God and I discovered something that is kinda surprising to me.

Bad habits feel awfully good.

I was never really consciously aware of this. Good habits, while great for you, are not really all that fun and don't really seem to offer very much variety at all. I was considering my eating habits. Having cut back on a lot of my favorite things and being faced with a very limited range of choices at the time, it dawned on me that as much as I want to get healthy, I also really dont want to let go of that stuff that I like so much. Because it just tastes really good. And it's not that I dont like fruits and veggies and all. Because really I do. Fruit is one of my favorite things. It's just that healthy food is so... well... healthy.

There doesn't seem to be anything decadent or indulgent about it. Nothing that just makes you feel good. Not a thing that feeds your fleshly craving for richness - at least nothing that feeds mine.

Just keepin it real.

But I know that I have to cultivate some better habits and a more thoughtful approach to what goes in my mouth - beyond the normal not eating fastfood and not having sweets as much. I have to really truly consider my diet and eliminate (or seriously reduce) those things that don't contribute to a healthy me.

For heaven's sake, I have to do what's right.

And once I thought about this in the context of food, I thought about it as it relates to other bad habits as well. And I came to the same conclusion for them all. We just gotta do what's right.

I was so convicted. Convicted enough that I doubt I will be able to casually indulge in un-healthy food anymore. Which was really the point for me, I'm sure.

THEN, as I thought the lesson through I realized that this same mentality is what keeps many from coming to Christ and what keeps even more who HAVE come to Christ from ever really EXPERIENCING Him.

Because, let's just be honest here. The world doesn't taste all that bad. Live and let live, to each his own, if it feels good do it. That mentality is pretty appealing because it leaves us unaccountable for the choices we make. And who doesn't want to be free?

Thought so.

But here's the rub; the RIGHT way tastes pretty good too. You just have to dig deeper than the surface and go beyond the box.

If I'm honest, the way that I have been about this food thing is the way I was about my walk with Christ. I didn't wanna be THAT girl. You know her. Fanatical and crazy. Bible-thumpin' and ALWAYS talkin about Jesus. Because dude seriously, I'm wierd enough as it is. Not like I needed some help in that department.

But just like I've finally done with this food thing, spiritually I got sick of being out of the loop. I'd heard enough people go on and on about God and His faithfulness and all that. And I supposed they were right. But I got tired of not knowing for myself. I figured me and Him needed to really get to know one another. I needed to get deeper with Him and really put some elbow grease into that part of my life. Because grazing the surface and speaking in Christian just wasn't gettin it for me any more.

I didn't expect to enjoy it. I just decided it was right and I could endure it.

And like a ton of bricks, I realized that I wasn't just enduring it. I was flat out ENJOYING it. And all that other stuff that was so appealing before? Not so much now. Don't get me wrong. I still enjoy a lot of the things I enjoyed before I got serious about God, but I dont think I'm losing something if I have to give it up for a while to be with Him or to attend to His agenda instead of my own. It is actually for htat reason that I find it to be more pleasureable now than it was before.

And for the things that I gave up permanently. Well... I dont really even recall what they were like anymore, if that tells you anything at all.

The desire it gone and I dont feel in the least bit deprived. I just feel really... clean...

That's how my body feels when I treat it well.

Clean...

The same way my spirit feels when I cultivate my relationship with God.

Clean.

As I enter into this journey to cultivate a healthier lifestyle this year, I'm challenging you too. I'm challenging you to not see your relationship with God as something you do because it's right, but to see it instead as a source of Joy.

Dig deep. Go outside the box. And drink Him up. You won't be hungry, you won't be bored, and you won't be lacking in that indulgent feeling we tend to seek through so many other venues.

Give up just one thing that you know you should, but hate to let go of.

I'm doin' it too, so we'll be doin this togehter. I have made a commitment to my physical well being because I want my outside to match the inside.

Join in.

PROJECT ACK-RIGHT

Ok. So, if you know me at all, you know that one of my favorite phrases is:

CAN I GET YOU TO GET SOME ACT-RIGHT (or ack-right, as I spelled in the title)????

What it means is so simple: it means to get it together.

Seriously.

This seems to be a really difficult concept for folk to grab hold of, but really it isn't so foreign.

I struggle with this because there really is a lot of truth in that not everyone is at the same place at the same time, on any level. But for real. When you can look at me (and anybody else) and tell me what somebody else OUGHTA be doin, and yet in the whole time I've known you manage to never do what you told somebody else they NEED to do, you and I have a problem with eachother.

When you decide that you are qualified to teach other folks how to get it together, and u're still trynna hold on to old stuff and make it look new (which by the way, is NOT working), I think you might wanna re-evaluate some things.

When you start calling wrong, right and right, wrong... yeah. Here again, maybe you should take some time to re-group and just START OVER.

When you won't say wrong is WRONG (clearly wrong, at that ) JUST TO KEEP SOME PEACE, and at the cost of OTHER PEOPLE... you might just wanna step away from the madness and feel better about some things.

These are all causes to ask for some act-right.

And now that I have been comical, in all seriousness, every one of the scenarios above implies a struggle internally. There is a deeper issue than just accepting/doing wrong for no good reason. These things are spiritual malignancies and must not be allowed to run unchecked. Just like cancer, these sorts of symptoms mask a disease that will eat you away from the inside out if you aren't careful. These are the things that we shouldn't ignore, but that should prompt us to act. For ourselves, and in some instances for others as well.

How? Easy. PRAY. And then OBEY the instruction. Now don't get me wrong. I've had at least one of these moments at some point -and I'm sure I will again before it's all done... But really, if you help me, I'll help you.

Can we ALL just get some act-right and do what we KNOW we need to do, to get to where the Father is calling us to be?

All ya'll on my list - I'm fightin' for you, and I 'mma need you to join in the battle. THANKS

PROJECT ACK-RIGHT BEGINS, PEOPLE.

Seriously, join in. We'll all be the better for it.

Love is not Jealous... But Its Jealousy Is Unyielding As The Grave

I got punkcd today so I figured I'd share the joy.

"Love is as strong as death...its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire." Song of Solomon 8:6

I didn't understand this before. Not at all. how can God say love is not jealous. But in Song of Songs, King Solomon says that love's jealousy is unyielding as the grave?

Here's my take on that - and it's coming from this present place in my life and in our relationship...

When we look at 1 Corinthians 13, the bottom line of it all is this: truly loving eachother means that we ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS do what's best for the beloved, deserved or not,e asy or not, comfortable or not. We dont do it based on what they do in return. Not at all. We do it because living out God's kind of love won't allow anything else.

God says 'love never fails.'

God also says that He himself is love.

And God IS jealous. His word says that. But it's not a jealousy that destroys. It is a jealousy that relentlessly pursues it's object. Just like love. Love relentlessly puruses it's object.

God is Love.

God is jealous.

Love is jealous.

Death is an absolute thing. It does not change. When you die, you are dead. There is nothing else.

Love, if it is God's love, is absolute. It does not change. When you love, you love. And there is nothing else. Not if you do it on God's terms.

"love is as strong as death.'

There is power in love; the absoluteness of it's nature makes it the most powerful expression we can have toward eachother. Becuse God says it always wins... and if He is love, that would mean HE always wins.

Love's jealousy is unyielding as the grave. Just like death keeps on comin - even though we'd all rather it not, love does the same - even when we reject it. Neither love nor death worries about the consequence of it's pursuit. They both do what they were created to do. The both intend fully to lay claim to their object. Love wants what it wants and it does not stop till it gets it.

In this instance, jealousy is not the sort that destroys or does damage. It's the sort that refuses to be cast aside.

One thing about jealousy is that there is no agenda for a jealous person, but their own. Their sole pursuit is to prove their suspicions. And in human tems that's a negative thing.

But in God-terms, in God's way, it's not only positive, it's wonderful and liberating. Because Gods' suspicisions are 1) not suspicions at all. He always acts in and has full knowledge. and 2) His jealousy is rooted in the clear intent of proving His thoughts toward us to be right.

Think on that ya'll... God knows His thoughts toward us. He knows what each one of us really truly is and what/who we will be. He knows. And He sets out to prove it - to us and eveyrbody else. His whole goal is to prove that He's right in how He views us.

Just like jealousy.

And since He is Love, then Love is jealous.

And if we love His way, if we love like Love, then in that same way, we should be jealous. Because based on Love's Word, Love always believes the best.

And since Love sets out to prove itself right in it's thoughts of the beloved, then Love should be jealous enough to 'burn like a blazing fire' in order to accomplish it's goal.

We are called to love so relentlessly, so hard, so deep, so strong that Love consumes us and our object. Love should overtake the beloved in such a way that all it (the Beloved)  can do is prove the Lover's thoughts toward itself to be right and true.

Why & How

God is so faithful.

He's shown me so much this morning alone about how He has been in control and how He's had His hand all over this situation - and me - even before I knew there even WAS a situation.

The single most profound revelation of the morning is this:

It's not really about the 'why' of our pain; its the 'how' that matters.

The 'why' of any pain we experience, when it's completely reduced, boils down to the fact that we are flawed creatures, living in a flawed world, trying to build lives around and with other flawed creatures. That fact alone means that at some point, by our poor choices or someone else's, we are going to experience pain. Even of the most profound sort. Maybe even at the hands of people who love us. Or maybe in the shame of us being the ones to issue the hurt to people that we love. Inevitably, pain is experienced because we are utterly human. It just is what it is.

But the 'how'... That's a whole different story. The 'how' is the way we choose to handle the pain that life throws our way. Do we try to skirt it by pretending we don't hurt? Do we look for unhealthy ways to alleviatge it? You know what I mean... drugs, alchol, sleep, food, inappropriate intimacy...  Do we turn away from God? Do we retaliate in kind? How do deal with the things that hurt?

Ya'll. That matters.

And really, if we have a hope of dealing with it in a way that allows God to call us blameless, all we can do... ALL we can do... is cling to Him. Talk to Him. Give Him the hurt and the things that come with it. Because if we don't - if we don't rest on the relationship that we are called to have with Him - we are gonna fail. And satan is gonna make sure he keeps us slaves to ourselves and our natural inability to heal our own spirits.

We all make choices in our pain and they all lead us to or away from God. We all come face-to-face with Christ and choose to stand firm or run scared in those times when everything just seems to be crushing us and fallin in our heads. Every last one of us....

It's all a matter of where our hearts lie. Do we give satan the foothold or do we invite God to do a work through our pain that equips us to edify the body - even in our own homes & families?

Somethin to think on, huh?

bye ya'll...

God? I Miss You...

There are posts other than this that are in my drafts that I really want - and probably need - to finish...

But right now, what I need more than anything is just to feel God's arms around me. I just need to feel His presence, His power, and His love.

I've got this one song that has been trying to rise up in my spirit all afternoon.... Donnie McClurkin and Joan Rosario...

Satisfy my soul with the best of heaven

Satisy my soul with the fullness of your love

Satisfy my soul with the best of heaven

Satisfy my soul with the fullness of your love

My soul faints after You, seeking Your presence

My soul faints after You, seeking  Your power

My soul faints after You, seeking Your glory

Satisfy my soul.... satisfy my soul... satisfy my soul with Your love.

As I sit and listen to this song, even while I type this post, tears flood my eyes. Because this is genuinely what I want.

I dont want to be angry at God. I dont want to feel all the things that make me want to go back to my Egypt. I just want to know that God is near.

I miss Him. I miss our closeness. Nobody who knows me would say that I'm distant from God right now.

But I am. And I have been for a while...

There was a time, even at the worst part of this road, when all I wanted was to be near God. If He'd just speak, it made it better, more bearable. At every turn, at every breaking, at every obstacle. As long as He'd speak, I'd follow. But lately, even before the floor fell from under my feet, I haevn't felt that comfort.Or that peace. Not in the way that I crave to feel it.

I mean... He's speaking. I'm hearing. But I dont want to anymore. I just see the burden. And even in the moments when I see the beauty, I'm so absolutely aware of the pain that I just want to block it all out. Because hearing is so hard for me. For the God who I've prayed for years to tell me His secrets, to reveal things to me - even things that are painful for me or that will be painful as they unfold - is such an amazing gift. Such a joy. Such a powerful powerful testimony to what happens if we give ourselves fully and absolutely to Him.

It is an exquisite love.

But it is an exquisite pain.

Absolutely exquisite.

And as much as I wanna run, I want so badly to stay. I want so badly to not be distant from the God who has shown me so many wonderful things. I want to not be angry and not feel betrayed by Him. I want to still believe with all of myself that it's all good, jsut as long as I have His Voice.  I want so much to be able to find peace internally and the quiet place in my spirit that exists because He's become such a friend to me... 

I just want to know He's near.

He told me some weeks ago that He is near and that He will always be with me... I wasn't sure why... But I'm starting to see that I needed that reassurance. Because I don't really feel Him always near right now.

I want to not need someone else's voice to draw me into worship. I want to pick up my journal and note all the stuff He chooses to speak. I want to be someplace other than this place where I'm hiding even from the God who created me.

The absolute hardest part of this is that I can't reconcile my heart with God. I'm angry at Him. Angrier at Him, in fact, than I am at H. Because I know that God is sovereign. And I know that God is in absolute control. I know that this situation is ONLY becuase He didn't stop it. And part of me wants to question that decision on His part. But I can't. Because He's God. I am so angry because He knows how tired I am, how weary, how exhausted, how sad. And He has known. But then He allows this. He allows the one thing that He knew would take me to the very end of everything I can almost wrap my head around.  In fact, one of the very few thigns I asked NOT to have to face, because trust is already such a struggle for me.

How does my God, my friend, who knows me so well deem this best? How can this be? Why would my Lord, who loves me so deeply, betray me? Doesn't He know that i would do anything - anything at all - to please Him? Haven't I proven that? Why would He allow this, and all that comes with it? why would He betray me?

So weary that all I can do, literally at this point, is stand and wait for the stones that are coming.... I was typing a post this morning and the song Stand came to my heart and it stayed until mid-morning. And on the way to work, I had this image. Of me facing a group of people with hands full of stones. And all I could do was stand there and let them throw these rocks at me. I was alone and unprotected. Just a hood on a head that was hung low, trying to shield my face so that nobody would see the pain of that moment. And the stones just kept coming. All I could think was 'they're going to crucify me and there's nothing I can do... There's nothing I can do but let them.'

And the God that I love, my Adonai, He brought me here. He brought me to this place.

After all this time, all this everything... the only way to the promise is death. Death of my own desires and hopes, of my heart, of the rest of my reputation, of more relationships.

After everything else, the very little that's left... He's gonna let them take it.

And He says, I will be with you always.

I cant even begin to articulate where that leaves my heart.. but even now, I want so badly to be pleasing to Him... I just want so badly to please Him. And to know that I can trust Him.

I want so badly to know that life will not always hurt so much; to know that following God will not always leave me broken and lonely and unsure. I want so much to not be afraid of what deeper intimacy with Him will bring. I want so much to experience God on the mountain top instead of in the deepest part of the deepest valley of my life. I want so much to experience His love in a pleasurable place, in a place where there is rest and tranquility NOT borne of adversity.

I'm hungry for a season of close rest and respite with the God that I have come to love with my life.

I just want to know that He's nearby, that I can find Him, that He hasn't left me stumbling in the dark and gasping for air. I was tired before this. I was broken before. I was empty and on fumes a long time ago. I just want to know that He hasn't left me here to perish.

I just want to touch Him... maybe if I can just touch Him...just for a second...

Unexpected On-Slaught

Today is a hard day. Last night was hard.

I'm not even sure why.

Just... my emotions are all over the map.

Oh well. I guess it's just par for the course right now.

Pray for us if you think about it, would ya?

ro

I'm An August Baby

I was tagged! Jill Brownstone did it!

I am an August Baby. I am a Leo.

AUGUST: Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride in oneself (me and Jesus have come to an understanding abou this one). Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous (again, me and Jesus are working on some things). Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.

I've gotta tag twelve of you:
Jai, Jenn, Amanda,Larissa, Wynt, Shaneai (and I'm still workin' on the other six.)

Enjoy, Peoples!!!!

Ro

TAGGING RULES:

1. Mention the person who tagged you and create a link back to them.
2. Copy-paste the traits for all the twelve months (see below).
3. Pick your month of birth.
4. Highlight the traits that apply to you.
5. Tag 12 people and let them know by visiting their blogs and leaving them a comment.
6. Let the person who tagged you know when yours is up!

The Twelve Months

JANUARY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking at people’s flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very stubborn and money cautious.

FEBRUARY: Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizes dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

MARCH: Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.

APRIL: Active and dynamic. Decisive and hasty but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people’s problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.

MAY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.

JUNE: Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.

JULY: Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people’s feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

AUGUST: Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride in oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.

SEPTEMBER: Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people’s mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.

OCTOBER: Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to take things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn’t pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.

NOVEMBER: Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions. Unpredictable.

DECEMBER: Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egotistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.

Avoidance Isn't Working... Maybe Surrender Will Work Better..

Have you ever just tried to avoid dealing with something? Just decided that even though you know what's up, and you know you really don't look forward to it- really need to face it ahead of time so that when it comes in full you won't drown- that you'd just put it off and deal with it later? Much later?

That has been me lately. Don't get me wrong. Not only did I know it was coming - I've known it for a long time. But now, now it's being made real to me and I'm not really feeling this. I am typically one to face things head-on.

Nah.

Not this time. Not wanting to do that at all.

And because this is one of those times that only the Lord can get me through, that would also mean that I'm not dealing with HIM right now either.

*sigh* I know, I know. Not a good look. Not at all.

All this started right around a month ago. I thought I had gotten a reprieve on something -only to find out (in a more than clear way) that I have not.

Ok. I don't like it, but I can deal with it. Because you see, my way to deal with it is to simply ignore it until it actually MUST be faced and addressed. Easy enough. Pretend it doesn't really impact me - because feelings really don't count anyway - and just keep it moving. Face it when it comes, do what is required, and then suppress it all a little more. Because well, crying and hurting won't change a thing. Woman up and move the heck on.

Works for me.

... or not.

Because apparently on this one, the Lord is not allowing my She-RA-like tendencies to rule. He is, in fact, requiring that I accept that I am not immune to the depth of this thing and the impact it's gonna have.

And I'm angry at Him for it.

Oh I'm not mad just because it's gonna hurt like nothin' else. I'm mad because I WANT MY WAY.

I have realized today that I am angry because He is requiring the one thing I asked that He would NOT require. I am angry because even in the middle of this, I'm STILL held to higher standard than everybody around me. I'm HOT because even in all this - I'm still obligated to other people.

And really at this point - I DON'T WANT TO BE. Let them work all that out on their own. When do I get to be the needy one for a change? When do I get to be taken care of, instead of being repsonsible to be the caretaker? It's not fair, and I don't like it. AT.ALL.

I woke up this morning with the faintest remnants of this blanket of peace I apparently was given in my sleep - which means that something is underfoot. And then I got to work and tried to sit and get focused and talk to Him, only to realize fully that I couldn't get there. AND THEN a big ball of emotion hit me and it dawns on me that I have to face this head-on privately so that I can do what the Lord has instructed without falling apart. Yay. Yay for me.

But not to worry. Me and God have been chattin' it up. And I've already told Him what I'm tellin' ya'll. And do you know what He said: He said He's sovereign. Trust Him. Rest in Him. Hold on to Him. He won't leave me or forsake me.

And for the first time in a long time, I wasn't really interested in any of that. What I wanted Him to say to me is that what He's been preparing me for doesn't have to happen just yet. I want Him to tell me I've been so faithful that He's changed His mind and He will answer my prayer in MY way...

And that is not to be. He has made that abundantly clear. So I asked Him what He wants from me. And He says everything. Well. Let's see. I've already given that. What more is there to give? Exactly what else is left for You to take, because everything that has ever meant anything to me, thus far, You have required. And I have complied. I'm complying now, allbeit, not happily. I am complying. This is the last of what has meant anything at all to me...

And then I cried.

Because I know that even as I have pushed Him away, He has continued to pull me close. Scripture after scripture, passage after passage, confirmation after confirmation. He's making me ready. Giving me all that I need to endure. And all that I need to bear the responsibility that is mine to carry.

That doesn't make this easier. But it does make me know that He is Love. By it's very definition. He IS 1Corinthians13...

The part of me that wants to fight Him is the part that wants one last open door to the old - just in case I get sick of the new. Because even though I know it is time for the old to completely pass away, it's all I know. And it's where I'm comfortable.Where I feel safest. It's been that way all my life. But it won't be anymore. I know that the old isn't His best or His will. I know that I must keep going forward.

But it still hurts. To the core of my soul it hurts.

And then He holds me. He catches my tears. He wraps me in His arms. And He whispers to me:

'I will give you beauty for ashes.'

And slowly - ever so slowly - my heart truly accepts. I will not fight. Because this is not my decision to make. He IS sovereign. He knows best. He loves me. He and I, we've come too far together to turn back now. And if I leave Him now, then what happens to my life? What becomes of me? Who do I have? How do I endure?

I am not my own god. I am not in control of my own destiny. It is not my own will that must prevail, but His. He is infinite in His wisdom and His way. I must not challenge Him. I cannot rebel. Because in giving up everything that I have held dear, I have gained the only thing in this life that is truly valuable.

In losing my life, I have found my King...

Even as my heart breaks and my tears flow, I recognize His Holiness. He is the matchless, perfect God and He is all I need, even in the midst of a storm in which I fear I just might drown.

Lord,
I cannot tell You that I'm happy or sure of this. But I can tell You that I love you more. I love you most. I can make no promises. I can only give you my heart that says I accept Your will. I recognize Your sovereignty. And I will obey You. You promise not to let my feet slip. You promise not to slumber. You promise not to leave or forsake me. You tell me that You will give me rest. That You will give me a peace that passes all understanding. So. I'll hold You to it. Daddy I need You. Draw me close to You and hold me next to Your heart. Let me hide myself in You. Let me burrow myself in the glorious, comforting folds of Your robe and just rest. Let me hear the beat of Your heart. Give me rest. Please. Give me peace. You say 'this is the only way.' You are Jehovah. My God. Elohim. God who is my Strength. El Shaddai. God Almighty. El Roi. God Who Sees. You are my God. In You do I live, move and find my being. Lord I love You. I need You. And I choose You. Not my will, but Your will be done.

In Jesus' Name. I'm sorry for resisting. I surrender and submit. Let it be as You have ordained.

Amen.

God Is Good...

All the time.

And all the time, God is good!

How's that for some thanks?

A New Normal

It has been just over a month since I last posted. Can you believe it?

I have so much to say. But. Well. I just haven't been able to put it on paper yet.

But today. Today I think I'll share.

Life is wierd.

I was at this really strange place at the first of the year. Wondering just how much longer I had it in me to go thru the motions of EVERYTHING (which is ovbious in at least one area by my last post). I just didn't know how much more of this eternal limbo I could do.

And apparently God agreed with me. Because things I've been waiting on for anywhere from one to several years are beginning to slowly but surely come together. Step by step. Little by little. Piece by piece. It is all starting to pan out.

And I want to be excited,but I'm afraid to get there. Because I have been before and things just fell apart. And then I was thrown off and doubt set in. So this time, I'm taking it slow. But really ya'll. I'm excited.

... ya know, the wierd part of it all is that as this thing comes together, I can get my life back in some sort of order (and if you know me, you know what I mean - JENN). I'm not one for upheavals and unexpected curveballs or a lotta change. And this last 3 years has been that for me.

It was three years to the date on April 1, 2009 that I quit my job and started this new thing. And life has never been harder. Or richer. Or more of a rollercoaster ride. Or more of a blessing.

I miss normal. I crave normal. I long for routine and schedule and consistency. LOL.

Then I started really pondering on that and I came to a startling realization: My life is changed, never to be the same again, and what I will call normal going forward is not the normal I left behind three years ago.

The season is different. The circumstance is different. The woman is different.

The world around me is filtered thru new eyes and the things that used to mean something don't any more.

But the things that mean something now, well... they're irreplaceable.

I have seen a lot these past three years - been thru a lot, too. And I am rich. Truly rich. Eternally rich.

Above and beyond what I could ask or think is exactly what this new season is to me.

I see it around me. I sense it. I feel it deep inside. God is at work, doing some amazing things.

I will never be the unsure, uncomfortable, outwardly together, inwardly dying 25 year old kid that I was when I started playin at grown.

Now, at 31, I am sure, comfortable in my own skin, and inwardly stable. I have matured into a woman. One that I truly like and believe in. One who is confident for real, not just smart enough to make people THINK she is.

If I get nothing else in this season of my life, I can honestly say that this has been worth the fight.

Here's the the wierdness of a new normal and the joy of a life covered by Christ and drowned in His Love.

Lord thank you for Your love. I appreciate You. I am grateful. I worship You. I rejoice in You. And I am standing in awe of what You do and who You are.

In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Thankful Thursday - I can Trust Him

Psalms 114:49

Remember the word you spoke to your servant. For you have given
me hope.

This week we had Vacation Bible School, and this verse was the text for Monday night.

This is the prayer of the psalmist. And waht He's really telling the Lord is that he's trusting Him to make things work out like He told him He would, because the only reason he (the psalmist) is standing firm is that the Lord's revelation to him has given him what he needs to endure.

And for longer than I can recall at this point, this has been how I've felt.

And today, right now, I can tell you that the Lord has remembered the words He has spoken to His servant. He is proving my hope.

And thankful doesn't begin to describe where my heart is right now. Just astonished is what I am at this moment. Totally astonished.

Go see Iris. You already know.

Blessings,
Ro

Some Days...

Clay better be really really glad that I do not have homicidal tendencies - or his butt would be on my hit list.

*WOOF*

Grace

Grace.

There are so many times I need it. And so many times He gives it. And even more times that He gives it when I dont even KNOW I need it.

Grace is a good thing.

And a good reason to say thanks.

Go visit Iris.She's got tons of links to more of this goodness.

The Love of My Life

Or maybe I should say 'loves of my life'.

Because there are two.

The original isn't feeling the sharing, but the new one is oblivious to the fact that it even matters.

Such a hard time trying to satisy them both. *sigh*

But I'm a soldier. I can handle it!

My nephew and niece. Aren't they just too sweet? And of course, because he's a big second grader, he has to be handsome. *rolling my eyes* But she is just edible! Both of them are, really.

It's a Set-Up

You know, I've got so much I would love to say and to share, but I dont really know how to get it all out.

I'm learning a lot of stuff these days.

In a season of growth - which is what I have asked the Lord for.

It's wierd. I stayed in a stagnant state for a long time and now that I've really begun to enjoy a relationship with God, the thought of stagnation is unsettling to me. I'm so aware of when something is not right in me, when there is something I need to take to God so that we can get back to enjoying each other...

This past three years has seemed to go by in a blur, but it also seems like a lifetime's worth of stuff has happened - and most of it has been in me.

This year is starting off for me with a sense of anticipation and the understanding that much of what I've been prepared for is going to actually reveal itself in the natural over the next few months. I also have a sense of change for my family. We are welcoming a new generation. My generation has started building families and having babies. We've got two on the way right now and although they aren't the first babies for our generation, they seem to be the ones ushering in a new season.

So much newness and it seems that it's all a set-up for releasing the past and moving into the future. Exciting but a little uncertain.

That I have been prepared doesn't take away that butterfly feeling in the pit of my stomach; I watching mysteries unfold and I'm in awe of God's excellence in the way He orchestrates the details that create a complete picture...

How can you not serve a God who's standard for Himself is that everything He does, He does in the MOST excellent way possible?

Ro

Promises Fulfilled...

"I make everything beautiful in its time"

Ecclesiastes 3:11

He does indeed. I cannot express what I feel as I type this. I am watching something unfold that in my wildest dreams, I could probably never have conjured up on my own. (Same as the Lord told me a week or so ago. Habakkuk)

He can do exceedingly abundantly above all we can ask or think. Seriously.

Once everything is finalized, I will share with you what all the excitement it, but for now, I just really need to share with anybody who'll listen (or read) how great my God is.

When I was praying for me, and then for others, I had no clue really how MANY others. I had no clue that my obedience was necessary for this to come together for any of us. I had no idea the way the Lord would work any of this out. I'm really pretty at a loss for words. I wonder what would've happened had I not been obedient enough two years ago to quit my job and to just wait on the Lord to provide His Job for me.

Goodness gracious. Thank God for His Sovereignty.

Blessings and I'll see you guys next week.

And by the way:

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!!!!!

This Election And What-Have-You

I thought I'd join in this week, since I remembered before the week was already up!

1. I cannot describe my joy that this election is almost over. I am not big on politics to begin, but this campaign has really grated on my nerves.
2. I am grateful for the privilege of voting. It is a responsibility but also a huge honor.
3. BE WARNED - I'M GOIN' THERE. I feel an extreme elation with regards to Barack Obama even just having the opportunity to run for office. Whether or not I agree with some or all of his politics and policies - and whether or not he wins - his representation of the black community is commendable. He is well-spoken, articulate, well-thought, and his family is his center - as much is obvious by watching he and his wife. I wasn't sure I'd ever see this opportunity for someone who looks like me and I count it a blessing that our community has that privilege.
4. I am also grateful that I have such a diverse circle of friends. We are from such diverse backgrounds and ethnicities. I love that there is friendship to be found in so many different ways and perspectives.
5. I am grateful for my relationship with the Lord. I have learned so much in the past few years - the things that come only from cultivating a genuine relationship with Him. Blogging presents so many different views of faith, many of them uber-conservative, and knowing Him for myself is helping me to form convictions that are truly mine.
6. I burned myself pretty severely last week. It is healing and I am not hurting finally. YAY!!!
7. I have also had the sinus infection from h*ll. It is FINALLY clearing up! WOO-HOO!!!!!
8. Fall. The leaves are gorgeous. The temperature is pretty mild. And it reminds me of the way life cycles.
9. Learning to relax with Chu. It's nice. We're growing and becoming more and more one. It's special.
10. Grace. I am a heap of filthy rags. God loves me more than He hates my mess.

Stop by Jill's place and join us!

AH-HA!!!!!

I've been trying for days to figure out exactly what is my deal.

This whole week has been thrown off. It has felt like a blanket of weariness and ... strife... has just been rested on me and it's been like trynna fight my way out of a wet paper sack. Something HUGE has just been in the way of my heart.

Monday sucked.

Tuesday got better. Then my two psuedo-bosses happened.

Yesterday... well... after a real straight conversation with a couple people, I was cool for the rest of the day.

And then....

I had a great night with H. An absolutely great night.

And finally... FINALLY.... I am able to do what God has been telling me I need to do for days now: process what's in my heart.

I couldn't put my finger on it; I haven't been able to hear God clearly. But in the midst of silence today He spoke plainly and what He said was: 'You're scared'

Can I just say, DUH?!

Well OF COURSE that's what's wrong with me!

Things are goin' way too smoothly for me and H. I'm struggling to rest in what I'm seeing happen between us. I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I had another do-or-die conversation yesterday. This one was professionally. And well... Much like the one with H, once my mouth opened... it didn't close. That ball started rollin' and it didn't lose steam til it was spent. It stopped as abruptly as it began. And it began for the same reason as the coversation with Heath; God said 'speak your truth, love'... so.... the door opened.... and i walked right on thru...

And ya know, the same w/H, I know that what I said was appropriate, right, and true. I know that I was not being emotional - although my emotions were pretty evident. And I know that it was necessary to put it out there, if for no other reason than so that all the cards on the table.

But just like that night w/H, it left me a little sad and hurt, allbeit in a different way. Because I know that something was broken in the midst of it. I know that, no matter what God chooses to do in that situation, the relationships that were touched are forever changed. Fundamentally and at their core. It's the end of a thing I've wanted free of for the last 3 years.

I'm excited about that.

But I'm also nervous. Because well... Good, bad, or indifferent (and let's please ALL hope that it'll be the 1st of the 3 - sheesh), it means change.

This whole season of life is beginning to be about change. And change scares me. It always has. Because I am a very straight-line kinda girl. I like life to be stable and predictable. Even after all this, I still am not a fan of lots of change - especially not if it means throwing me into a new group of people.

I am looking for a job. Have been for a while. And I have also committed to seeing the project w/this company thru to the end. Because it's right. But I have no desire, once that's done, to go back to work with or for them. And I doubt that I can now, because there really is no respect remaining...

But... i thought that same thing about H. I want(ed) to be done. Because really... respect... well... it took a vacation for a GOOD minute - and even now, only has it's pinky-toe in the water (just bein honest). And in spite of that, God DIDN'T let me turn away and I am STILL here.

Which is really what I fear most. Even more than change.

My greatest fear is that it will all stay the same....

It's been so tough for so long that I am strugglin' to let myself believe that the change is a) real and b) in my favor. Nevermind that I've been obedient and I should expect to reap the fruit of that. But the one lesson that thas been driven home again and again is that obedience doesn't guarantee an outcome that leaves you all blissful. Sometimes it bears a tremendous cost. And so far, more often than not, I've paid the cost and not seen that prosperous side of it all...

So. Needless to say, I am good and uneasy about believing that H is really turning around and that we are really gonna survive this OR that my work situation is gonna be what God has been saying for THREE YEARS He intends it to be. Because watching these jokers bumble around is not confidence-inspiring. And trusting them is not EVEN an option. But I did it on the strength of that God said so, and I'll take the next job w/that same perspective. If God says take it, I'll take it. No matter how ridiculous it all is to me.

I've set this precedent in my life of radical obedience and now I'm left to wonder if it will always be so... well... extreme... I'm left to wonder if EVERY thing about this life will always be such a miraculous  'if God doesn't do it, then it ain't gettin done' kinda thing.... I mean, I know that on some levels everything is that way. But I'm talkin about BIG stuff. Is everything gonna always be a BIG thing?

GEEZ. Can it just not ALL be a big flippin' thing?!

Move forward. I long to.

But limbo. It's easier. More comfortable.

H and I have this great thing happenin' between us, but what if what happened to us at first happens again now? Nobody knows it but me, but the real block for me and him hasn't been just some of his choices and etc. It's that we changed the dynamic. When we were just seeing eachother, as in not committed, things were easy and laid back. No rules. No responsibilities. It was exactly what it was for the both of us. Soon as we put a name to things it all shifted and turned into a silent battle to really get past ourselves. Because well really... who expected to have to take some ownership?

Now we're there again. We are 'us'. Nobody really wants to define anything. And we have this great thing happening - in large part, and in spite of us, because we do have SOME solid history to build on. But what happens when God says 'ok it's time to go on back home dude. enough of this. time for you to honor her heart and My instruction'... ? Do we lose that momentum again?

The very thought is enough to make limbo cool with me. Because in this place I have my H. The one that makes me laugh and smile and just in general relax. And while it's not ideal, it certainly is easier and preferable to another hurdle to jump. Cuz um. I'm over that.

And work. Well. It has been a hot mess from the start. And I only took the job because God told me to. Matter of fact, I VOLUNTEERED my time to these people and they offered a job.... I had no intention of this being a long-term anything w/them. Cuz well... They are a hot mess. (have I already said that?! My bad. *rollin my eyes*) But God had other plans. And professional obedience has cost way more than I care to revisit. The very idea that things might actually come togehter and those .... people... come lookin at me talkin' about, we want you to come back and  blah blah blah, and that God MIGHT say 'stay'. THAT is not on my top ten list of ways to spend my life.

I have no job now. I am doing sitter/helper/nanny-type stuff for a couple friends. But that's my only income. And seriously. It is pitiful for me to say that I'd rather kick it right here in this SAME place than move forward and be asked to stomach more of what I'm trynna get away from - or more of a new company with attitudes like that of the old one. But  that's exactly how I feel.... And that's sad.

What this all boils down to is this: God is unpredictable. His ways are unorthodox. His instructions have nothing to do with how they will feel or how it will make us look. And the obedience He expects of me is not rooted in the outcome, only in the fact that He says so. He doesn't care if  I look ridiculous before people. He doesn't care that I'm judged harshly for my surrender to Him. He cares that His purposes are accomplished.

And He's God. So He has that right.

But that said, knowing all that... understanding all that... it scares the heavens outta me. Because what if moving forward just means more of the same, except in an even more binding circumstance? What if, ultimately it's just the same song-n-dance, lived out as a more mature version of me than this last time around.

And really, I'm so not a fan of any of that. Not on any level.

I am just not a fan.

But there really is no choice in this, right? Isn't the only option to move forward and live life? Trust God and believe Him when He says that it's time to enjoy the fruits of the labor. That's the right thing to do, huh?

I know it is. And I know that God does care how I feel. He does care what affects me and the pain that it causes me. It all matters to Him.

But it doesn't change what He requires of me.

And maybe THAT'S what really has me afraid....

Thankful Thursday - Deliverance

I am not going into detail on this one, but the Lord's deliverance is real and it is true. He has shown me so much in the way of grace, mercy, and love. This week has been a week of acceptance, release and surrender.

The Lord's word is real and true when it says He delivers us from stronghold and generational sins and curses.

Having been freed from those things this week, I am now seeing His Will begin to come to pass in my life.

I am thankful for the deliverance from things that have had a tight hold on me all my life. I am grateful that the Lord has opened my heart and my spirit to know when His deliverance is had in me and in those around me.

Lord, I love you.
Thank you for freedom from things that have long been a part of me. I love you.
In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Ro

Blessings

The point of this post is pretty obvious by now, right?


I have been so leary of hoping or of being truly excited by all that is happening in my world and around me right now.


But I learned today that I don't need to be - not at all. Because EVERYTHING the Lord has told me and then some is coming to pass.


Provisional needs? Met. Every last one. And got the nerve to be met, with some left over!

I want to spill the details so badly, but I have to wait until it is all official.


Ya'll God is so good! So so good! I can rest easy now. At every turn the Lord is proving to me just how faithful He is. He told me long ago that He would elevate me and that noone would be able to doubt His hand in my life.


I am speechless....

Ro

Thankful Thursday - CLAY

I'm thankful today for my Man. I haven't mentioned him in a long time. But today I'm gonna talk him up a bit.

He and I have gone thru some things. Related to some stuff. And the Lord has still been so good to us (me) that He didn't take what He had reserved for us to enjoy together. Instead, we got another chance to get it together and make it work. And it has truly begun to work. Please know that he can be a challenge. But what man isn't? But his high points far outweigh his less-than-stellar moments.

So, this week we have:

THE TOP FIVE REASONS WHY MY MAN IS SO GREAT *blush*

• He loves me, faults flaws and all. I can't push him away. I can't run him away. He just wont' leave. And that's JUST HOW I LIKE IT.
• His heart is gentle with me and kind. Loving and caring.
• I'm sorry is not something that is foreign to his tongue. (hard to say, but not foreign) I appreciate that he can admit his mistakes and that he really means itwhen he says 'I'm sorry'
• LOL, pure vanity on this one, but um. He's just HOT.
• The most important: He is every prayer of my heart for a husband, and what hasn't been fully cultivated yet, will be soon - because the Lord has said so. God has truly truly heard my petitions, seen my desires, and answered according to His riches in glory. Clay is one of those riches for which I will be forever grateful.

Ok. So now that I've gushed enough to make his head explode, if you want to join in or read more, head over to Iris' place and link back to your TT post!

Ro

The Conversation In My Head... The Reality of My Heart

The reality of my heart is so easy: I'm weary. Tired. And sad about somethin' - that very promise, in fact that I'm (trying not to) laugh at right now.

And I'm wrong.

My attitude is all wrong. Again with the quality time with God today. I hear Him in my 6a.m. wake-up whine from a 5 month old puppy. Thru my haze of sleep, I hear: 'Are you still here because of obedience, or simply because you haven't yet found an out?'

C'mon. REALLY?!

What sorta question is that?! ... I'll keep it real: it was a good one. Cuz what started out as obedience has over the last few months come dangerously close to resignation. And who can blame me, right?! The one or two people who read this blog and actually know me IRL KNOW that seriously, WHO CAN BLAME ME?!

But because God is well... God... He wants an answer. Which only leads to a conversation. Which only serves to frustrate me. Because 0ptimism is eluding me right now at this present time. And in spite of the wrongness of the stuff around me, I'M the one getting warned about an attitude adjustment if I'm not careful.

yeah. can we all say UNFAIR? Uh-huh. That's what I thought.

And so. Because me and God finally have this conversation (where I listened and He talked), I now have this crazy conversation running through my head. And it is terribly nerve-racking. Because really. All that I think, all that I feel. I shouldn't have to say this stuff. We're too far along in this game for me to have to say this stuff.

However. Apparently we are not. And as my mind is moving and my feelings are surfacing, I hear again through my cloud: 'Your feelings are not wrong. These things need to be addressed. I will give the opportunity. Be bold and frank.' ... I believe that God just needed comic relief today. Because bold and frank tends to be my perpetual state - especially these days. And I'm not sure how that's supposed to be of benefit to the other part of this duo.

Eh. Well. I guess we'll see what happens... And as much as I'm not looking forward to it, I know that it's true that this needs to happen. It seriously needs to happen. So. Bold & Frank it is.

Because the conversation in my head really IS the reality of my heart. I cant deny it. He cant' help but feel it. So I guess I need to say it.

OH THE DRAMA.

Once again,God.You win.

REALLY. You win.

ro

The Way You Love Me

Remember that song I said I'd share lyrics to when I was ready? Here they are:

This heart breaks…Slowly…
Tell me, what are u doing to me?
When I prayed ‘Do what it takes’
I didn’t know I’d lose everything
Everything that meant anything to me is gone
Somethin’ right has to come from this wrong
It is the hurt that breaks me
It is the pain that pulls me to my knees
And the, tears they changed me til what I couldn’t see becomes so clear to me…
This is the way, the way that you love me

My way
Destroying me
I couldn’t see I was my worst enemy
So you took away til my soul ached
And I knew that it was no mistake that everything that meant anything to me was gone
Somethin’ right has to come from this wrong
It is the hurt that breaks me
It is the pain that pulls me to my knees
And the tears they’ve changed me til what I couldn’t see becomes so clear to me

And this is the waaaaaay

You love me so much that you let, you let me fall knowing that I would lose it all and hear your call
You love me so much that you chased me…
When I ran away you captured me by letting me run to the end of myself
To the end of myself

And this is the way you love me

The way you love me

It is the hurt that breaks me
It is the pain that pulls me to my knees
It is the tears they’ve changed me
Til what I couldn’t see becomes so clear to me

And this is the way
The way that you love me

This is the way You love me

These words resonate deep inside me. They sound sad and like someone with a broken heart, but only if you've never been there with Him before.

HOWEVER, if you've been here before, you understand that even though there is hurt and pain and tears, there is also an amazing knowledge of God's power, sovereignty, and love that comes from this place.

This is the place in the journey where, when it's all said and done, you find your rest. Because in all that you've had to endure God's purpose has become (or is becoming) clear. The loss, the fear, the hurt, all the stuff that has befallen you confronts you and you look at Him and say 'I see it now. It's clear. Who You are. How You love me. It's clear.' All that becomes real.

And as I alluded to last week, I am here. There is one more thing before the door on my past is closed. One more fear to face, one more trial to endure, one more peace to make. And as He prepares me, I realize that this truly is the way that He loves me. What He's requiring of me brings with it a pain that I am afraid to experience. I doubt that I can stand under it. But He knows that I can. HE already knows what's needs to be. Because as a result of a pain so deep that it rocks my core, I will also simultaneously experience a love so deep that it heals all the hurts and washes all the dry places.

I will be made fresh and new in this next few months and I will be ready to walk in full obedience to the call on my life.

Because He loves me enough to take me to a place where He has to be my source and my strength, I will know His love in a new way, on a new level... Just like every other trial I've endured has taken me deeper, so will this one.

That in the midst of storms He speaks and calms raging seas is amazing. And I have watch it become reality in my own life, I find truly that it is an act of love that He takes us there and then demonstrates His own amazingness for all to see.

Over the next *however long* stretch of time, I will probably talk (or type) this out - because I need to. I need to wrap my mind and heart around all that's comin' and I need to let His love settle on my heart and spirit. I'm gonna share what I can (and it probably won't be much), but know that the encouragement you always give is invaluable and will be even moreso now than ever...

And Jenn, I know you're there. Always have been, always will be. And I love you for it. This soldier-girl action is no small endeavor and your tenacity will be well rewarded. Just obey Him. Trust what seems crazy; walk in what hurts to the core of your being. And then as you do all that, watch Him work it all out in a way that protects the life He's promised you, even as He systematically strips you of the life He never meant you to lead. His perfect time, His mysterious ways, they all work together for our good and He does all things well. Ride or die, chica. He told me to take you with me, so grab those timbs and that water-bottle and let's get to it... I love you with the heart and passion of Christ. I love you.

Easter This Year

As I was driving today, i was listening to a cd that was just worship...and as i started reflecting and really thinking and allowing a little of what has been deposited in my spirit over the last few days/weeks to sink fully in, it dawned on me that Easter is really the perfect season to learn about/study God's love.

Studying the 'Love chapter' has really shown me a different aspect of God, as Love. The feelings I'm wading thru in this place and the effort that it is to love in spite of those things is giving me a very new and much deeper understanding, appreciation, and respect for Christ's sacrifice for us... and somehow, out of all that musing, as I was thinking and asking God what exactly I should realize about Easter this year, what came to my heart is that Easter this year is a wonderful celebration of His power, in our utter utter failure.

The first of April marked 4 years to the date that this journey really started in a tangible way. It was the day God instructed me to leave my job. And things have never been the same. I had made a mess of my life and had no idea how it was gonna come back together. I was disappointed in myself and over the first year or two of the process, I have never felt such failure and shame. But God's power was so evident; His hand in

my life was so obvious and so overwhelming...

I thought about all that today and how powerful God truly is to take every detail and every decision into account as He planned my life, and how He's been bigger than ANY decision I've ever made. Then I thought of the cross and how powerful God has to be to very literally raise a man from the dead and bring him back to life. The fact that He led Christ thru the most painful set of circumstances he would ever face - that any man would face, for htat matter - knowing all that what looked like the end, was NOT, in fact, the end, but only the beginning. The story only got better from there. And all the shame Christ suffered was laid aside as God proved Himself God alone to all creation.

That blows me away;and it speaks to my spirit in such a tremendous way... God is Sovereign over all And all-powerful. Just blows me away, ya'll...

What about you. What does this Easter mean to you in your current season of life?