Today It Begins

Luke 4:18-19
18"The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, 19to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor."

Wow. I have kept this to myself, but finally I'm free (& ready) to share. Today is the last day of my 40 days. And what a journey.

40 days of sacrifice.
40 days of waiting and not being sure just how to feel.
40 days of anticipating what comes next.
40 days with Jesus.

Luke 4 is the story of how Christ was led to the wilderness and tempted. How he fasted the 40 days and then satan tempted him 3times. And that when he had resisted that final time, satan left him.

I have been in the practice of fasting for quite a while now; we do it at church annually, and the last couple of years I've begun doing it on my own regularly as well. So, while it hasn't been routine, it has been pretty common-place in my life. Well, I got to the place in my journey where the only way to see the promises of the Lord come to pass was to seriously commit myself to fasting on a different level. So on Monday, March 17 I started a 40-day fast.

In the last 40 days, I have discovered so much about truly how powerful the Lord is to work in our lives if we just release them to Him and allow Him to reign. At one point I was discouraged, thinking I couldn't possibly stick it out until day 40. My body was craving everything I wasn't supposed to have, my family situation seemingly regressed and we were having undue dramatics. My man LOST HIS MIND right before the new family dramatics. And then let's not even go there about work. Not at all. And this was all in a two week time span. At you know, day 26. Almost done. More than 1/2 way there. And wanting to QUIT. I thought it would get easier as the days passed. How wrong was I??? Because the tempation was not only just for food. It was for my heart. My conduct. My level of obedient submission IN ADDITION TO my food sacrifice. And the farther along I went, the harder the battle for my heart got. I haven't experienced such an intense attack spiritually in a REALLY long time. And all in the course of 3 days literally all hell broke loose. And I was left with a decision to make: press forward or give in and throw away all that work.

I chose to press. And in the process of that choosing, I started seeing the Lord's word to me start to come to pass. Things that He revealed to me long ago are taking place now and I'm looking and saying 'wow'. And in my own life, for my own self, there are things I've been asking for and longing for. And fasting was the only way for those things to be released. And over the course of 39 1/2 days (because today is only 1/2way over *grins*) I've started seeing pieces fall into place in a way I just could not have imagined.

Day 15 , the Lord told me: 'Your fast has been ordained by Me. Do not doubt your ability to complete it.'

Today is day 40. And because of His grace, I have stood victorious. I woke this morning to the Father's praise and congratulations because I obeyed Him in this thing. And Wednesday as I spent some focused time with Him, Me gave to me the promise at the start of this post:

"The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor."

Truly, this has been an amazing time. I am overwhelmed at how this has worked. It seems like 40 days just started. And in some ways, I don't want it to end. I can't even articulate how I feel right now, except for a sense of jubilation. A sense of accomplishment. A sense of completion. I feel like doors that have been locked shut for a really long time are opening up right now, even as I type this post. I believe that God has waited patiently on me to get to this place in my life to be responsible enough and surrenedered enough to receive all that He has been wanting to give to me. I believe that just like with the Messiah, the fruits of this will be immediately evident in my life. I believe that this has unlocked doors for other people, too, to receive what God has in their own lives. It is a blessing and a privilege to be able to share that this journey is complete, as of midnight tonight.

The closer the hour gets, the more my spirit soars. I would never have known God this way without this last 40 days. The powe of the Holy Spirit is great and my God is greatly to be praised.

A deep worship rests upon me right now. A deep abiding knowledge of how powerful God is and how much He loves me. A deep-seated need to praie Him and to honor His patient endurance in His pursuit of my heart. A deep spiritual clarity that His grace is sufficient and His mercies are new every morning. A true sense that today is the day it all begins. Everything. All of it.

And I praise the God that I serve, whom I now confidently call my own because He is THE God who does all things well.

Peace and Blessings. And may all grace abound to each of you who read this and who are touched by the words of our Lord.

Ro

Lord,
I worship You. Thank you for Your Love. Habakkuk 1:5. I will stand and watch and be amazed at all You do. I love You.

In Jesus' Name, Amen.
rosheeda

My Military Men

So, this morning we found out that one of my uncles is going to be sent to Iraq late this fall.

And just before he came home on leave a few weeks ago, we found out that my OTHER uncle is being sent back to Kuwait for 13 months.

These two uncles are brothers - the only 2 brothers out of 4 siblings. My oldest uncle is in the reserves and has been to Kuwait once already in the last few years. My youngest uncle (who is actually younger than me) just went into the military a year ago. He has finished basic and all the job training and stuff and was just sent to Georgia. In fact, he has only been there for 5 days.

The oldest uncle will come to Texas in July and will be here for a month or so before he is deployed. The youngest will go to New York in July and will be there for 30 days. He will then return to Georgia (and maybe come home if he can - but I doubt it, since he JUST took two weeks leave) to get his affairs in order, before he is deployed in October or November.

My oldest uncle was in the service forever and he has pretty much always been away from home, so it isn't unusual for him to not be here - even now, because when he and his family moved back to the contiguous states from Hawaii, they moved to SC to be near his wife's mom. Nobody's thrilled about his deployment, but it isn't really all that different than the norm we've always had w/him.

Now, CJ on the other hand (not his name, but obviously for his privacy) has never been away from home - as in, no more than a few steps from my grandparents, and no more than a few minutes from the rest of us. The military is still new to us for him. He wanted it, he worked hard to accomplish it, and he really enjoys it. It has been very good for him. And we are all extremely proud of him.

But...

I dont want him in Iraq. None of us do really. I love both my uncles, but my youngest uncle and I grew up more as cousins than as Uncle/niece. When my mom told me about his deployment this morning, I felt some kinda way about that. A little sick. A little sad. A little... somethin... some kinda way.

Not thrilled about my Uncle-Uncle goin, but my Uncle-cousin... well, it's just different.

Really really different.

However, even with all that I feel, I am extremely proud of them both, especially CJ. The military was a big step for him and a pivotal point in his life. He's done well and I know he's gonna go far. Extremely far. And my Uncle-Uncle. What can I say? He's just phenomenal. An absolutely wonderful human.

They both love our country and our family. What more can we ask?!

I guess I'm gonna be a praying girl, until both our men are safe and sound, and home with us where they belong.

Thank you Uncle Jr. and CJ. We love you and we are so proud of you both. Hopefully we'll get to hug both your necks before you leave. And if we don't, you know we're with you in sprit (how cliche' but u know it's the truth) =)

Hugs & Kisses.
We love ya'll!

(and um, can both u jokas get Facebook so we can communicate?! Thanks!)

Rosheeda

Lord,
Protect our fellas. Please bring them home safe and sound, no worse for the wear, and changed profoundly - for Your Glory and their good. Show us how to pray and help us to trust You in this. Put a protective loving arm around my grandparents - especially my grandmother. Allow them to rest in You and to know that You will take care of Your sons. Build thier relationships with you and use them each for Your Glory. May they grow where they are planted.

In Jesus' Name, I ask these things.
Amen.

You're Ready - and I'll Prove It

"God I know it's time for what You've promised. But now that it's here, I'm not so sure I'm ready."

"You're ready. More ready than you know. There will be one collaborative set of circumstances that will prove just how ready you are to walk into this new season."

And once again. God told me the absolute truth.

This ball that's rolling? I dont even know where to start. Me and H are aiight. But on the family front, things have just gone HAYWIRE.

I dont even know where to start with all this, but .... I gotta figure it out, so I dont lose my mind.

Have mercy.

If ya think on it, would you just ask Jesus to give my family peace? We're gonna need it.

Later, ya'll
Ro

Beauty

God calls me Beautiful.

And that is a revelation that has long been lost on me.

Because He doesn't mean just physically beautiful, or just that a piece of my inner self is beautiful. He finds me COMPLETELY beautiful. Fully made in His image. Fully breathtaking. Fully striking.

He looks at me and He sees me in full color, shape, and dimension. And He finds every part, every emotion, every sensitivity, every cry of my heart, every detail of me... beautiful. Because, afterall, I am HIS creation.

Not that I'm perfect. And not that He is pleased with my sin or my failure. But that the heart of me is something He finds worthy of full embrace and acceptance and love. He finds me beautiful.

I know this all seems strange. I thought me and God had worked this out already, but apparently I stoppped before HE finished - and being Himself, He waited until I would invite Him in, to take me deeper into this thing of unveiling my beauty...

He set me up. Set me up to see that I cannot possibly get from others what I am unable to also give to them.

You see, I am not a fan of closeness - but not necessarily because someone has done something to me. It is really because I have always feared being fully known; I have always feared that if people were to know me well - to know my truth, my idiocyncrasies, my goofy tendencies, my high-strungness, and all the other pieces of the intimate puzzle that is me - that they would not like me. I feared that if I let them in, they would eventually find the one thing about me that would make me not good enough for them.

But I would never really have said all this out loud. And I have never really been put in a position to have it tested in an extreme way. I have close friends, intimate relationships and such. And I've learned to be ok with intimacy in that context.

HOWEVER. Then comes a relationship that is far more intimate than even the closest of frienships I've permitted myself to establish. There is this pesky thing of being known. Of NEEDING to be known. Deeply and fully and freely.

And God in His Sovereignty, met me right where I was. And took me deeper than I thought I could handle.

Now, I get it. I understand it better.

I am beautiful. Worthy of knowing and being known. Created in His image and purposed to do amazing things in my sphere of influence.

How very freeing this is.

And what a Mighty God I serve.

Love ya'll.

Rosheeda

Thankful Thursday - The Lord

This week.

I'm thankful that the Lord gives friends w/whom we can walk this thing out. I'm thankful for being able to share the journey and the opportunity to grab others to join me along the way. I am extremely thankful for the way the Lord just seems to work things out. That there is hope, and peace and joy if we just put in the effort to FIND it.

I'm thankful for the privilege of Daugter-hood.

Check out Iris' place for more!

Ro

Worship

The question is not IF we will worship, but WHAT or WHO we will worship.

We were created to worship. It is just a matter of whether or not we choose to worship God or something/one else...

food for thought...

rosheeda

1 Corinthians 13:7-10

Ok. Here we go again....

7bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away.

9For we know in part and we prophesy in part;

10but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away.

Once more... our definition of  love: unrestircted loyalty and unwavering commitment to what best serves another.

Vs 7:

Love bears all things - bear...to accept or allow oneself to be subjected to, especially without giving way

believes all things - believe... (1) to have a firm conviction as to the goodness, efficacy (the power to produce an effect), or ability of something (2) to accept as true, genuine or real (3) to consider to be true or honest; to accept the word or evidence of

hopes all things - hope... (1) to cherish (hold dear) a desire with anticipation (2) to desire with expecation of obtainment (3) to expect with confidence

endures all things - endure... (1) to undergo as hardship, especially without giving in (2) to continue in the same state (3) to regard with acceptance or tolerance (4) to remain firm, under suffering or misfortune without yielding

So...

Unrestricted loyalty and unwavering commitment to what best serves another accepts and allows itself to be subjected to ALL things without giving way; holds tightly to the conviction of the goodness, inherent power and ability of its object, and accepts all things as true, genuine, and real; it holds dear its desires,with confident expectation of obtainment in all things related to the object of its desire; Unrestricted loyalty and unwavering commitment to what best serves another undergoes all hardship without giving in, continuing in the same state and regarding all with acceptance and tolerance, while remaining firm- even under suffering and misfortune, and without yielding.

vs. 8

love never fails - fail... (1) to lose strength; to fade away or die (2) to fall short; to be or become absent or inadequate (3) to be unsuccessful (4) to disappoint the expectations or trust of  (5) to be deficient in (6) to leave undone.

Unrestricted loyalty and unwavering commitment to what best serves another never loses strength or fades away; it never falls short or becomes inadequate; it is never unsuccessful. The expectations and trusts of unrestricted loyalty and unwavering commitment to what best serves another are never disappointed; it is never deficient and never leaves things undone.

Now. this is not all of verse 8, but it IS all of what love is/does/or does not do. And of the whole passage, I find this particular section the most comforting of all - because what I take from it is that in all that love is asked to give and to sacrifice and to commit itself to, God says to us that the end result is absolute victory. He says that love is enough all by itself to ensure that hope if fulfilled and that trust ultimately in the good and inherent power of it's object is rewarded - because love always succeeds.

So, let's go on to the rest of the verse.

We're back to referencing the spiritual gifts of prophecy,speaking in tongues, and knowledge.Scripture says that IF these things are present, they will eventually go away. They will fade. Two things to notice here. The first thing is that there is no guarantee that these gifts will even be present; and the second thing is that even IF they are present, they are not lasting. They will eventually fade. It doesnt matter what God shows us or how we can commune with angels and men. Nor does it matter how much insight or wisdom we're given, because of all that God has spoken of so far in this, the ONLY lasting thing in all this is Love. Which then puts the first three verses into perspective for me. Because if we are all caught up in things that don't last, how will we ever properly view or invest in the one thing that IS lasting? Because the Love spoken of here is a gift just like all the rest. If we dont take the right perspective on the value of each gift, then we miss the mark. Think about that. God has more knowledge insight wisdom and anything else than we can ever begin to fathom, but what He gives is Love beyond even what He's asking us to give here. He knows EVERYTHING, all our motives and failures and sins - all that stuff that nobody else will ever know about us. He knows it all. And even in that knowledge the love He has for us doesn't fade. He never stops believing in who He has destined us to be and He never gives up on His purpose in our lives. He has been so committed to us that He gave us Christ.

And HE... well, we're endebted to him for all eternity. Because he was as human as we are and he lived this out to the fullest. EVERYDAY with EVERYBODY he met. What that means to me is that, since we are all called to walk in his likeness, we are capable of the same, just as he was - through his Father in heaven. Because Christ did not walk in his own power; all power he possessed was derived through his intimate relationship with God.

On to verse 9:

It says we know in part and we prophecy in part.

How much plainer can God be with me than this? What I get is , you dont know it all. There will ALWAYS be things you dont know or understand or see. Which means that I shouldn't behave as though I do, nor should I hold too tightly to the gifts of intimacy that God has chosen to allow me to experience for this short time.

and verse 10:

When perfection comes, the partial will be done away.

Ultimately, none of the gifts matter. Not in the face of perfection - not in the presence of God. Because HE does see it all  and know it all. And more than that, He's in control of it all.

Every last bit.

Reading and studying this passage of scripture bring to mind faith and meekness and humility and all those things. And it leads me to a better understanding of why Christ says the greatest commmandment is to love they neighbor as thyself. Because to love is to reflect Christ.

And that's the whole point of this whole journey, isn't it?

... alright God. Yes. Yes God. Just... yes...

It's Tuesday...

I was SO planning to have this done at 8:36. Too bad I got distracted. Can we say ADD(ddddddddd), as Clay would say?

1. I love Clay. I woke up this morning thinking about our first valentine's day together. It was sweet and clumsy and it made me giggle just to recall it.
2. Prayer time. I love being close to the Lord. I love the whole worship experience.
3. Puppy kisses. I'd have as many dogs as I want children if I thought my dude would agree with me.
4. My Boss! I love him. And it's great to work with people you see as family.
5. Natural hair. It's raining and humid, and I dont' have to worry about how my hair holds up. Ha! I love it.
6. People who love me.
7. People for me to love back.
8. A new friend. I really like Debs and I can't wait to see just how close we become.
9. I got to spend a lot of time with my mom this weekend, shopping and just hangin out. It was pretty fantastical.
10. That my daddy is Super-Man and Clay is He-Man. And that my brother and I together are the Wonder-Twins. It's nice to have men in my life who want to be my superheroes.

You already know the drill. Head to Jill's blog and link up!

peace.

Ro

6 days and no post. Seems like a long silence based on the

6 days and no post.

Seems like a long silence based on the last few months, huh?

Well... Me and God... Me and God and a bible study. Me and God and a bible study and some guest pastors. Me and God and a bible study and some guest pastors and H.

All that is why I have been silent.

Processing. Mulling it all over. Trying to start making some decisions.

And I gotta admit, I'm a little scared...

"You have obeyed Me. Now I want you to believe Me."

That's my word from God for the next season of me life.

'Praise me for releasing H and you into the rest of your life together. Praise Me as though it has already manifested.'

'Believe Me for the date. No more delay. Look at your calendar, note such-n-such a date. And believe Me for it.'

Radical obedience.

Hear God and obey. Immeidately.

Joseph and his murderous brothers.... "I Am training you to be Joseph, but you need to see in yourself the potential to be the murderous brothers..."

"Start planning"

This has been my last two weeks - just before & after my birthday and all this week....

I will be back w/more of a post later.

Oh. And my answer to God is: 'yes'.... so far... it's 'yes'...

The New Look

Ok Ok. I promise I'll keep this layout for longer than two weeks!

I love the colors and the absolute activity and vibrance of this template.

The new name: it's my life right now and I'm just loving it. Can't promise the name won't change again, but it'll still be the same old me. :D

Beautiful Silence

Thank you God that the inside of my head is blissfully quiet tonight.

such a small thing...

but such a wonderful rest.

I appreciate the quiet of the weekend so far.

amen.

Difficult Words

Difficult words.

Sometimes they just have to be spoken.

Sometimes truth is not easy to receive OR to give.

Sometimes the changes we need and want most in the lives of the people we love only come when we have the courage to say the hard things.

Sometimes saying the hard things means we risk being rejected.

But sometimes... sometimes saying the hard things opens the door for restoration.

Sometimes what comes next is redemption.

Sometimes you get to experience a deep love and a deep forgiveness - on both sides of the fence.

Sometimes peace comes and rest is a by-product.

Sometimes tears produce beauty and silence, repentance.

Sometimes the hard things - the difficult words - save what would otherwise be lost.

Praise God for His timing and His wisdom.

The painful thing is sometimes our protection. And our freedom.

This weekend was such a blend of things. God allowed me the grace to let go of our past, speak our truth in the present, and have peace for our future.

The words weren't easy to speak. Nor were they easy to receive. But they were a long time coming and necessary for growth - mine and his.

A Trip Through My Mind...

My head is so full of thoughts. They range lately from generational sin and how it affects our lives and others to 'radical' obedience to the isolation and intimidation of living an unorthodox christain life - a barbarian kinda faith...

My head is just so full...

Learning in a new way who this God is that I love so and how He loves me back....

Did you know that scripture says that His ever act toward us is a kindness? That is a tid-bit from biblestudy yesterday. Totally profound and thought provoking. The idea that in the deepest of valleys and the darkest of nights, God taking us, leading us, allowing us to experience the things that leave us with an inexplicable  pain or uncertainty or discomfort is a KINDNESS toward us.

I've been mulling that over since I heard it and it leaves me with just one question:

HOW SO?

He gave an answer, when I asked it in relationship to this specific situation in my life... but just in general, i'm still waiting...

My brain is on overload and my heart is trying to catch up with the deluge of the last few weeks...

God has something to say apparently, and the farther I get into this month, the more aware I am that He is not gonna let up until I've gotten the message loud and clear and until I've made a choice on every level, in every way, in every area of my life...

Ok. i'm goin to eat a kiwi and then I'm gonna try and close my eyes and sleep. I'm sure I'll be back to pull all the stuff in my head apart some more.

g'nite.

Beyond My Expectations

Monday was my 33rd birthday.

I gotta admit, I was not looking forward to it. But it turned out to be pretty great - in large part because of  a great friend who insisted that a birthday is something to celebrate. Between celebrating her day with her and then her making the point to make sure we celebrated my day too, it was great.

But then it got better. Because I got to spend time with my man.

Now. The first big deal is that i actually WANTED to spend the evening with him.

See, when we werer out celebrating my girl on Saturday I sent a random message saying I was out w/friends, wishing he was there and missing him. Even told him I love him.

Totally not who I am.

But I sent it. And he answered. And somehow his day worked out Monday so that he had plenty of time to talk with me ALL DAY LONG. Literally from about 9 in the morning til he left work at 8 that night. We had a really good, really lengthy, really personal conversation. No lulls, no blank spots. Easy and comfortable... like you'd think it should be anyway.

I did dinner w/Kesha and then he and I met up. Now. This is where a good day turned into something totally beyond my expectations...

In the last few months, H and I have been learning to talk and really be friends. We've been figuring eachother out in some fundamental ways and I've thought that was great. But I've still been leary of more serious convos and of ANY thing that leaves me vulnerable w/him. But this night, there was something brewing in my head and I just had to get it out. Random question, very tentative. But it was out there by then. His answer was, if i felt that way, I'd tell you. Things are good. It's good. I'm happy with it...

But that wasn't what i REALLY wanted to ask... HOWEVER. His answer was pretty straightforward so I was like... I'll leave it alone... And again. God comes with 'Don't be timid. Talk to him, Love.' So... I ventured out again... And asked the question i REALLY wanted an answer to. His answer was, yeah I do. And his expression was, why would you ask that.So i explained more fully and he said 'do you want an honest answer?'.... i was prepared to have my feelings hurt. But his answer blew my mind: Nothing's wrong. There's nothing you've done or haven't done. I'm just tired... You and I, things are good. Dont feel that way. Matter of fact, my plan tonight was... but I'm just tired...

There was more in there - as a matter of fact - that he's had this same convo w/that other one... But his response to that was that he found it amusing, because what she wants from him, in his words, he never wants with her. But that same convo w/me, his response was an immediate effort to reassure and to put away his tired to be what I needed.

Immediately God spoke to my heart "I told you it wasn't what you thought. I will not allow you to be hurt beyond what is necessary to accomplish My Will. I told you that I would not allow him to compromise you. I will not allow him to give to anyone else what is only for you."

In the beginning, I prayed many many things, one being that God wouldn't let us be compromised in any personal, too difficult for me to get over way and the other was that he would not desire ANY connection w/this other chick but that he would recognize what we have and honor it.

That his response to the SAME convo was night and day, that his desire for 'us' is alive and well but that his desire for her is non-existent, that he would extend himself beyond his own need of rest to fulfill my need of connection.. all that was proof-positive to me that God heard me and that even when I cant see it, even when i have to just trust that God is doing ... something... He's protecting me - my heart, my spirit, my confidence in this life He's calling me to. He's making it so that the desire for things outside us just doesn't exist.

I needed that. I needed to know that God was being faithful and I needed to know that H's heart is for me. I needed to know that he wasn't giving it away...

In spite of a series of lousy choices, I know beyond a doubt that his heart is mine. It's for me. It desires the beauty of us. I'm not in this alone. It's not me by myself trying to hang on and let things resolve themselves. I'm not the only one in love here...

I had been asking God the last few weeks to show me something so that I know this isn't standing still and that I'm not biding my time only to be completely broken in the end. I NEEDED to see what God had been doing...

He spoke to me last week that it was 'time to create the storm that would release H from this situation' and as I was headed home Monday night He spoke again: 'This is the start of the storm. I know you haven't understood the way I've instructed you to love H. I know it hasn't made sense. But your conduct, your love toward him draws him in because his heart can rest with you. Contention would only push him away. The more you walk in love, the more he sees clearly the difference between you and his current situation. Continue to love him and watch what I do next.'

Something was restored in my heart that night. We are making our way back to one another. It's been a long road, but finally I feel some peace that things will be ok. It was just so ... normal... so right... sitting talking, enjoying eachother's company, relaxing like we can only do with eachother. Like things are coming full circle,except better than when they fell apart.

I got home... God said to me: "I've shown you. I've shown you. You have obeyed. Now I want you to believe Me."

And finally. I am beginning to be able to make the choice to believe. I have obeyed. Because what other choice was there, really?... but now... now maybe I can truly rest in grabbing hold with both hands, holding on for dear life, and doing the hardest thing of all: BELIEVE.

Fear is falling away and doubt with it. I am able to pray again. I finally have words. And my prayers are changing to ones of acceptance on all sides of the fence and unity as we stand. I'm praying beyond the moment. I'm not asking anymore for God to fix it. I'm asking for him to help us to heal and to move forward as we deal with the aftermath. I''m confident in some way that I wasnt before....

I was talking with a friend yesterday and I shared with her that my biggest fear in this has been that I can't compete with the world. Not even a little bit. It's just not who I am. It's never been who I am. This other chick has represented everything about his old life that he misses and that I'm not and won't accept for our life. His hunger for so long has been the world and it's fruit. Because it's easier than living for Christ. And even before I started growing spiritually, my heart wasn't for those things. So needless to say, as I've grown the last few years, there has been a great divide between us and my faith has been an source of contention. So when all this happened, all I could think was 'I can't compete with that. I can't be that woman who accepts anything he chooses to do. I can't be that woman who doesn't require more than money and a warm body at night. I just cant be her. And I can't compete with the chick who's willing to let him be mediocre. That's not my heart; not my desire; not even my intetion.'

And because he seemed bent on that life and those ways, I felt hopelessly unable to stand and trust that God would prevail in this...

But Monday night... on my 33rd birthday... it finally clicked: I dont have to compete. That I am who I am and that God has put in him a heart that is hopelessly drawn to the spirit inside me is enough. God is in control. He's sovereign. Lord over all. And there is nothing we can do to change what He purposes. The very fact that I can't compete is exactly where the advantage lies. Things are simple with me. Far easier and less complicated than forever striving and forever chasing wind. Sometimes the best way to fight, the only way to fight, is just not to fight at all. Because the lack of fight lets truth reveal itself.

My way in this would only have destroyed. Nothing would've been salvaged. It would've felt better, would've been easier. But the cost would've been far too great.

God's way... It's giving life and it's transforming futures. His way is higher than mine. Better. Perfect. Right. And I am more than grateful.

I needed Monday. I NEEDED it. So desperately. I needed it.

And I'm thanking God that He was faithful and merciful enough to give it to me.

Now maybe some real healing can begin...

Eccesiastes 5:7

KJV

" For in the multitude of dreams and many words, there are also divers vanities; but fear thou God."

This was given to me today in the midst of my prayer time. Talk about God answering a question with His Word. I love how this thing works. Really I do.

Confirmation

'I don't know man. You're wierd.'

'Lemme ask you something. I need your help. You're a wise person.'

I heard both these statements directed at me within 3 days of each other.

The first was Friday night. I wanted to take offense because it was uttered in the middle of a pretty heated discussion. But mid-fight, I had to pause and say 'wow.' I couldn't really be offended, because after all, being seen as 'wierd' really is the whole point.We are supposed to not look like, act like, sound like, think like everybody else in the world.

1 Point for Jesus (cuz it certainly is not me)

The second statement came from my second daddy. Talk about just astonished? All I could do was take it in, say thankyou, and proceed to answer his question. Again. wow.

Another point for Jesus (cuz again, I am not that good.)

It is nice to know that the transformation in me is evident to the people who know me best.

How cool is that!

Self-Discovery

... can be so overwhelming sometimes.

But it is probably one of the best journeys life has to offer.

I really appreciate the beauty God is revealin in the midst of the challenges.

I appreciate even more that the by-product of self-discovery and submission to Him is an embrace of His plan and will and way.

Me and Kesha were talking yesterday and one thing that I'm sure she didn't miss, that I also didn't miss is that our conversation turned to kids and future and things of that sort - and I actually was talking fully in terms of me and H and the kids...

Somewhere along this way, acceptance has taken root. Somehow in all this, the sting isn't so strong anymore. At least not right now. And not unrelentingly so.

And I'll take that.

shhhhh... dont tell nobody, but I think I may be getting a little excited. I just may be EMBRACING this whole thing... but dont tell.

I just might be excited... how bout that...

A New Beginning

I was sitting thinking last week. The Lord has been preparing me for a REALLY LONG TIME for a season of loss.

Last week, during one of the times where I am quiet but my mind is busy, somehow, Death snuck in and I started thinking of what that really is for a Believer.

Anytime the Lord talks to me about this particular thing, He uses the words 'passing' and 'transition'. Neither of those words implies finality. Passing implies goin' to another place. Transition implies moving to something new. And it dawned on me that literally, that is all that death really is. Those two words sum up death for a Believer. We leave our families and all, but we are far from 'dead'. Indeed, we finally graduated. We get to move on into the true promised land of Heaven...

Lately the Lord has used the word 'bittersweet' with me as well, and that evening I started to understand it. The bitter part will be for us - the ones who stay. The hurt, the fear, the loss, the loneliness, the emptiness. All that accompanies someone we love leaving us. All the life changes that come as part of the physical death of the body. That part will be bitter. Extremely bitter. But oh, the sweetness. It will be REALLY sweet. As I was sitting, all of a sudden I felt a joy come over my spirit. In an instant, transition made sense to me. I thought 'What a cool reward. They get to be finished. They get everything they've worked so hard for. They get to be with Jesus. They will be happy. Their body will be made well. Their race is finished; they get to rest.' And I was happy for them. I thought, how sweet it'll be for them to be able to just rest. I know how hard I've worked and how much I long to be done already, sometimes, and that they get the privilege of being done already is just absolutely mindblowing. So the sweet? Yeah, it'll be really sweet.

My heart is happy for them; sad for me, maybe, but happy for them.

I hope that when this word comes to pass, I will remember all that they are gaining - even as I work through the pain of them leaving. I hope that even as I weep for myself and our family, I will rejoice for them and truly celebrate because they were allowed to enter into sweet sweet rest.

And I hope that when it comes time for people to prepare for me to leave, they will do the same for me; I hope that they will rejoice with me and be excited for my new beginning.

More For The Record

"Love him as you love yourself."

and on that note... I'm going to bed.

nite-nite, all!

Bittersweet...

This past week has been the best week emotionally and spiritually that I've had in a VERY long time. Something happened at church last week... the Holy Spirit whispered to me 'breakthrough annointing'... and I believe that that's exactly what's happened in my heart over the last few days. There is a fresh connection between me and the Lord that I've longed for and there is an emotional honesty - but also a stability - that I have also longed to have in all that's happened.

That experience on Sunday is where this shifting and changing is coming from in other areas of my life... it's a beautiful thing. Really it is.

But it's also bittersweet.

Feels like I'm moving forward, but not moving on. And in some ways I'm alright with it. But in some ways it makes me nervous. Because in a way, moving forward means going back. Back to parts of myself that I had left behind and that I had pretty much accepted would always be gone. Back to habits and preferences and desires that I had also surrendered to God's time and His will - IF they were to be at all ever again. Back to a place in life with a little more latitude in my decision-making. It's not that I don't want the freedom. It's that I don't know that I trust myself with it.

Virtually every choice I've made for the last few years has been prayed over and committed to God. That now, I'm beginning to make decisions again without thinking them to death, that I'm becoming more spontaneous, it unnerves me. Because a) I have never been a spontaneous sort and b) doing my own thing is what helped me to get all off-track with God in the first place - and that's a place where I never want to find myself again.

It really genuinely feels like everything is going back to what it was at the point that I screwed it all up and that God is saying to me 'now that you know Me - really know Me - do it again, as the you that you are now and not as the girl that you were then.' I appreciate the vote of confidene and all; I just wish that I was as confident of me as God seems to be these days... Independence is something I didn't handle properly before; I want desperately to do so now.

As I typed that, I think that's really what the bittersweetness is coming from. God told me at the first of this year that my relationship with Him would begin to change, that I wouldn't hear Him as much or in the same way. He told me that He would reveal Himself to me differently, in part to teach me how others experience Him and in part to give me a break spiritually. He said to me that it's time to relax and to enjoy the fruits of my labor; to know that He's always with me and that He'll never leave me alone but that it's time to live a little more freely and to play and learn how to worship Him through the act of enjoying the blessing, rather than always in a pensive or painful or sacrificial way. And while all that is beautiful, honestly... I dont want my relationship with God to change. I like it the way it is. I like that He talks so much about so many things. I like that He gives me such plain direction and such intimate insight. I like that we have a relationship where I genuinely dont think anything is off-limits to take to Him or to ask Him to show me. He's become my all-in-all, my best friend. And I want it to stay that way.

Shifting gears, moving forward, I'm afraid that it won't.  I know that every kid has to eventually leave the nest so-to-speak... but... really.... can't I just stay home a little bit longer? :/

And, this is laughable, but it's honest - and since this blog is nothing, if not honest, I may as well put it out there... This change between me and God also means trusting Love to hear from God on my behalf in some ways. And uh... well... THIS has nothing to do with our current situation. I wasn't too keen on that BEFORE all this happened. I've never given over control of my life to any other person, save my father. And I really dont want to at this point. Not that he can't handle it. I'm sure God will fix it so that he can and so that he does it well. Just, well, I like that the only consulting I neede to do before was with God. I mean... He's had me to begin learning to do it, but like, that's been nice and gradual. But now, very literally, I'm being told to follow his lead, do as he says even when I know it's all wrong and trust God to make it right. Because, in God's words, he needs to be my best friend (this being from a human relationship perspective, obviously) and I need to learn to rest in and trust his leadership and his heart for me. Not to mention that He says it's time to really let my guard down and allow him to enjoy me and me to enjoy him with no barriers between us...

Can I just say O.M.G.?!?!?!?!?!

Bittersweet.

Because there is one huge part of me that is REALLY excited about a little more freedom and a lot more happiness. But there is a huge part of me that so doesn't want things to change at the cost of what has become my familiar place. Because while it hasn't been fun and games, while it has not been (in any natural sense) a pleasure, it has most certainly been a blessing and a joy and a privilege. One that I know I will never have again, in the same way, or to the same extent. I just want to languish a little longer in the uniquness and the beauty of the place of transformation. Just a little bit.

But then, as I realize what it would mean to languish, I want to move forward into a new season of relationship and a different sort of intimacy.

I want to move forward; it's time. But I don't want to move on. Because this is where life is for me. Life is Christ. Life is the Father. Life is the very fact that in losing it all, I've found it in a much more profound way. This place, this season. It's where I've learened to fear God and to respect Him. It's where I've learned to value the beauty of every part of life and to respect the profoundness of the journey.  It's where I've learned what freedom truly is.

My prayer for myself is that I would continually move forward, but that I would never move on. My place is with God, in His courts, at the feet of His throne, drinking in His counsel, seeking after Him with my all, striving to love Him with my life. And those very truths require that I move forward - because He says it's time...

I sure hope that I prove to be as trustworthy with much as I have learned to be with little.

Thank you God for such an exquisite love. Please teach me, even in this new season, new truth. Please give me new insight and an always fresh relationship with You. Please allow me the grace to be trustworthy with the blessings, just as You have allowed me to be trustworthy in the brokenness. I need You forever and for always, above all else that I call good or right or desireable in my life. May I never lose sight of that fact and may this life, in all it's glorious unorthodoxy, continue to bring You and I intimately, infinitely closer and closer over the seasons and the years.

I love You, Lord. You are my everything.

In Jesus' Name. Amen.

The Weekend and It's End Result

We spoke.

We fought.

We did see eachother.

A conversation happened.

And whatever happens next is a direct result of whether or not he believes fat meat is greasy.

I cannot tell you how checked out I am. I know he thinks we made some peace. But we didn't. We called a VERY tentative truce. And I do mean tentative.

Can't even really pinpoint what brought this wall back out and up, but it's there in full force. And I see no way and no need of letting it down. Don't wanna punish him. But do need to beathe for a minute. And engaging with him at this point is not on my agenda. Not even a little bit...

I really feel like he made a choice and he needs to feel some of the impact of that choice. Up until now God has required that I try to be fully present. But at this point, that would require nothing short of an act of God. So. If that's what God wants from me... well... He's gotta make it happen.

Cuz as of Friday night, I checked out. And even in the light of Saturday and a conversation and yesterday and some pleasantries, I've no intention of checking back in. Not any time soon. And not until he makes some choices. You wanna raise your kids. Cool. You wanna treat them better than your daddy treated you. Cool. Can't argue w/that one. Won't even try.

But this thing where your conduct demeans who I am to you in God's estimation? Not so much. Settling. Not who I am. And not what I'mma do.

The very thing you hate is what you run to. The thing you love is what you damage.

Yep.

I'm angry. Again. And still.

I need to get one-on-one with God. And in order for me to do that i have to go beyond my hurt and my disappointment with God because of the challenge of what He's asking of me. I can't do that if I keep getting kicked in my teeth.

So. I'm checked out.  Cuz right now it's just better all the way around.

Yep. The wall. It has been hit. And apparently I hit it hard. This set of feelings is delayed from the battering of Friday and Saturday.

Everytime we do this, this pain deepens and pulls something else outta me... I dont like who I have the potential to be. I dont like the thoughts or feelings that want to take up residence and set up shop. This is not who I am. not at all.

I am at the brink of a meltdown.

God... well... this is His show...Hope He's got something working...Cuz if not... well... Mr. Man is gonna find himself all by  himself to work out his foolishness and clean up his own mess.

yep. that's pretty much it...

Love

I'm sitting today, trying to rest and relax. But I'm failing. I'm pretty restless. What I find myself wanting to do right now is just drown in Clay's love. I find myself feeling his love so completely in this moment that I'm not sure I know what to do with it. The depth... The honesty of it. It's beautiful. I'm not even real sure where all this is coming from. I just know that today is a day that I recognize his love for me in a way that I'm not sure I ever have before. I remember feeling this feeling as the Lord drew me closer to Him. I'd feel like He was pulling me under. Like there was a deep place He was taking me. And at alternating points, I'd be excited. Then I'd be nervous. And sometimes I'd even try and stifle it because it overwhelmed me, but I could never run from it for long.

That's how I'm feeling right now with Clay. Like his essence surrounds me. Like his love lives and goes with me. It's like he's grabbed my hand and told me to come on, and he's swimming ahead of me - going faster than I expected. And I'm so busy trynna see and enjoy it all and take it all in, so excited about where we're going - wanting it to speed up, wanting to hurryup and get there, but at the same time wanting to slow down and enjoy the view - i'm too excited to be afraid. Or to be cautious. I'm just going. He's leading me. I'm following him. And I'm loving it.

This feeling. This moment. This sense of overwhelming peace and rightness about our relationship and where we're going. I want to hold on to it forever. I hope that I never lose this comfort. I hope that I never lose the feeling of absolute trust that I have right now.

It seems that with every step we take, we get one step closer to the oneness that I long for. Seems that he's longing for it too. Seems that he's running ahead of me to make sure everything's ready. Seems we're on the same page and ready to take our right places... Makes me tremble with anticipation, desire, excitement, some nervousness, and a whole lotta joy. Makes me wanna cry out of sheer astonishment.

This is a place I've longed for - and now that we're here, I'm not sure how to articulate it.

And the Lord whispers to me: I promised to give you beauty from ashes.

And I am in awe....

Full Circle

What am I thankful for today?

That life comes full circle. That God's word lives and is true. That He loves me, even in my imperfection and short-comings.

A year ago, I wasn't sure how anything was supposed to look. And now, I'm blown away daily by how amazing things are shaping up to be in my land.

I'm grateful for the life the Lord has given me to lead.

Go see Iris. You know the drill.

Blessings
Ro

Just a Little Self Evaluation

Ok.

I have no idea why I can only process this by blogging, but that just seems to be the only way I can work thru my emotions... so... here we go.

Blogging last night was part of me giving in to God and getting beyond my own willfullness in this. It always helps me to see things in black and white. Somehow, putting words on paper takes me beyond my own barriers and gives me a clear glimpse into my own heart... And as much as I dont like it right now, because of the fact that my heart changes from day to day, I really DO need to understand why i feel how I feel...

As much as I would like to resist it, I need to process this...

I'm saying all this, because I have been avoiding this blog all day. I do not want to face anymore truth. Nor do I want to deal with any more conviction. Nor do I want to delve into anymore of why I am how, who, or what I am.

But I need to do this.... I need to....

So.

I spent the evening working thru that 'yes' action....

Literally every yes brought to the surface someting in particular that I'm agreeing to accept, understand, see, believe, trust, let go, or forgive. And with each yes, every realization of what exactly it means, came an extreme discomfort in the pit of my belly.

For real. I just feel sick inside. Because I have no idea what I'm agreeing to deal with. And in truth, this surrender is so much more about honoring God than anything else. Because the truth is I just dont wanna do this. I dont wanna deal with the fall out or the aftermath. Not from my family or his or his babymama or any of that other foolishness that comes with this. I just dont wanna do it. I just don't want to...

I'll just keep it real. I knew what the feelin' was as soon as it creeped up. I knew more than a week ago that part of why I'm struggling so hard to get past the hurt, besides that fact that it just isn't gonna go away overnight, is that if I hold on to the pain, I can protect myself. Because that pain is a barrier between us. However thin, and however slight. It is some sort of shield. And it lets me get back to angry and hard....

But to let it go? That means that, by default, I'm trusting him and I'm letting him back in - deeper than ever, more intimately than ever. Because one thing we ARE gaining in this is true transparency with eachother. Really letting go means that there's nothing between us and no way to protect my own heart.

So. As much as it may sound like drama, trust me when I say it's not. Admitting that I want to walk away was a hard thing - because in my heart that meant admitting that I feel defeat in this. Admitting that it took a serious word from the Holy Spirit to bring me to obedience is a hard thing - because really. I should know by now that God is not interested in what I feel, but in what is right in His sight. And I should be willing to honor that. Period.

And admitting that my 'yes' really is yes is the hardest of all. Because that means that I honestly truly did give up my only source of protection in myself. (I know God is my Protector. I'm just sayin... ) More than any of what yes means on H's behalf, what it means on my behalf is staggering... It means that I have relinquished control in this situation. It means that I have left myself vulnerable and that I have to endure this place of feeling like I'm at the mercy of somebody else's decision making. It means that I have to actually go forward with this process of delving into my own heart and workin thru the parts of this that take me to the place where all this mess started in me. It means I have to see me for who I am right now and that I have to decide who I am going to be as God's works this out. It means recognizing who he isnt and believing fully in who he is. It means knowing that this one situation isn't one that I can allow to color his character in my sight for the rest of our lives. For crying out loud, it means accepting the face that I'm agreeing to a 'rest of our lives'. It means knowing that he is still the man that I finally had begun to believe I could trust with my heart and my life. It means believing in  his love for me.

And it means accepting my love for him.

And more than all that, it means I have to check back in. I have to let the rift be fully mended. I have to follow all the instructions that come as a result of the yes that was offered.

I have to let God take my past and make me a new person, just like I've asked to see in H. I have to be that woman that truly does mean: you can tell me anything. I have to be that partner that really sincerely invites him to rest in me, no matter what we face. I have to allow myself to be turned into that woman who walks in real authenticity... I have to go deeper. Gotta give more - a lot more.

I have to give me.

Because if we go through all this. If we make it past ALL THIS only to be the same, then that means it was for nothing. And that I shoulda just walked away. Because not to take the risks of the yes is, in effect, to walk away anyway.

hmmm... outta all my thinking today, this was the first time I've been able to put words to the feelings...

The sick feelin' in the pit of my belly... I'm betting it's not gonna go away anytime soon. Because it's pretty near panic on my part. In all seriousness. And the only thing that's gonna kill it, is watching God work in this to make it right between us...

I guess what I'm  saying here is that my yes truly is yes; and that I'm willing to face my own demons and become the me that we both need and want me to be -  instead of an emotional stepford or a human machine.

So. All the messiness, all the imperfection, all the too much and not enough.... let's get it. I've kept you hidden for far too long and I think it's time we experience some real life together.

It's high time we live in freedom instead of fear. Me and him both...

Alright God. Let's get it...

*hmmm... i guess all this would mean i need to start answering the phone again, wouldn't it?! ha! ... we'll see how that works out for him tomorrow.*   =)

Ok God. Please help me to be brave enough to walk this out. Because only You and me really understand exactly how afraid I am right now. This is a tall order. And one that is certainly beyond my own ability to accomplish. I'm willing. I really  am  willing. I want he fullnes of what You've reserved just for us. You've shown me so many things and told me so many things. You've made me so new inside and I really want to le that woman live. I want to let her breathe and thrive.  I want all that You've done in my spirit privately to be put on display in my life, in my home, in my friendships. I want her to live God. I really want her to live. And I really want H to know her. I genuinely do. I know that he didn't do this to hurt me. I know in my heart that he's told me the truth and that he can be trusted. I know ... I know all that You've told me is real and right and good. So please help me. Help me to not be afraid with him or with You. Help me to not hide and to not check out. Give me time to process and time to be with You, but dont allow me to use it as a way to not face us... Give him the courage to be obedient and us both the hearts to deal with the consequences of it all.

We love You Lord and we want to do what's right. Both of us. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Anthony Evans: The Bridge

His music is great. Truly ministry. Powerful, heartfelt, passionate. I have enjoyed every one of his cd's.

The Bridge is his latest release and I've gotta just say that it's phenomenal.

I have a new favorite song, from this cd. I'll share the lyrics when I'm ready, but if you have a chance I really encouage you to check out Anthony's music. You can't go wrong.

For real.